Commitment

© Sweet Kisses™

~*~

June, 2001

Okay, so I found Kristin's number in the pocket of his jeans. Not that big a deal. And besides, it could've been there ages ago. Maybe Kevin just never threw it away. Maybe Kevin just wanted to keep in contact with her, even after everything. Maybe I'm just overreacting. It's possible. There could be a million reasons as to why Kevin has her number. I just didn't think that this would happen.

And sure, there's a million reasons why Kevin has her number, but also a million reasons why he could be secretly seeing her. I wonder if he is. I wonder if I can find the courage to ask him. If I did, will he get defensive and think I don't trust him? Will he just brush it off as though it means nothing? How could he explain this?

Nothing could be further from the truth: I'm scared, and my trust in him has slightly deteriorated. I just need an explanation. One that I can believe in, that would make me think that he's telling the truth, because if he's not...

I don't know.

Would I leave?

Or would I stay?

~**~

Nick walked down the stairs, his heart feeling heavy, his stomach churning, and felt himself needing to vomit. Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe the note was from a while ago and Kevin had never realised that it was still there, hiding away in his pocket. But why would he have Kristin's number like that, even when they were together?

Maybe he was...no.

That just wasn't possible.

That wasn't going to happen again. He'd already been through that nightmare once before, and Kevin knew how he felt about that and what had happened, so there was just no way that was possible. But he remembered someone saying that there was a possibility for everything. And if so, what had he done that could've made Kevin do this again? Didn't he love Kevin enough? Didn't he show his affection enough? Was this whole thing just a silly little game to him, like it seemed before?

He was driving himself crazy, he knew that much, and there was only one way to settle his heart and the uneasy, nagging feeling in his stomach. He'd simply tell Kevin what he had found and demand the truth. And after all, he deserved that much after everything that they had gone through. And they'd gone through a hell of a lot in the last few months, and now with Brian hardly even talking to him, everything just seemed to be crashing down around him. Or maybe he was just exaggerating an awkward situation. He had tendencies to do that, even he knew that.

Nick found Kevin standing at the full-length window, peering out to the bright sunny day, the cloudless sky and the gentle waves of the ocean. He stopped suddenly when he saw the black cell in his hand and heard Kevin's voice and the last words of the conversation with whoever it was he was talking to.

"Yeah, I know...I've got to be even more careful now...yeah, I know, I can't wait..." He chuckled softly. "I hope so...after all, it'd mean nothing then...okay, okay, your choice...got it, and I will be careful." He chuckled again. "Okay, and yes, I can keep a secret. Bye."

Nick's heart was racing and he crossed his arms tightly against his chest and waited for Kevin to notice that he was standing there. He cleared his throat and Kevin spun around. Nick noticed the guilty and surprised look in his eyes, but the smile on his face instantly won him over, and just as instantly, he regretted Kevin having that kind of an affect on him.

"Who were you talking to?"

Kevin shrugged, stepping closer to him. "Just business," he said vaguely, staring directly in Nick's eyes, and narrowing his own eyes in suspicion. "Anything wrong? You look a little pale."

Nick shook his head, fighting the urge to scream at Kevin and confessing everything that he was feeling, when he knew deep in his heart, that was probably the best thing. But all he did was shake his head. "Oh, nothing," he said softly, moving out of Kevin's line of sight and falling down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling.

He fought that same nagging voice inside his head yelling 'ask him, ask him, ask him' and tried his best to forget that he had found anything in the pocket of Kevin's jeans. He then suddenly had an idea and turned his head to Kevin with a smile.

"Want to go out on my boat? It's a beautiful day."

But Kevin was already slipping into his jacket and shaking his head. "Sorry, Nick, but I've got some business things to deal with." He knelt down by the side of the couch and placed his palm on Nick's abdomen. "But I would stay here and go out on the boat with you, you know I would if I could," he said softly and gently brushed his lips with Nick's.

He traced small invisible circles with his fingertips on Nick's stomach. "You know I would if I could," he repeated in a whisper and placed his lips down on Nick's again, this time with more firmness and force.

Nick let out a small cry and pushed Kevin away. "Don't do that to me if you're just going to leave," he warned in a low voice.

Kevin frowned. "Nick, what's wrong?"

Nick sat up and looked away. "Nothing's wrong."

Kevin got to his feet and sat down next to him. He stared at Nick's profile, knowing full well that Nick was lying. He could just read Nick so well and it wasn't surprising to know that he could tell. He cupped Nick's chin in his palm and turned Nick's face towards him. "Nick, talk to me. Something's wrong, I can tell. And you know it's not good if you keep it to yourself. You know what happened last time."

Yeah, well, pity you have everything to do with it again like last time. Nick tried to think of a plausible excuse, something that would make Kevin believe him. Finally, he thought of something. "It's, well, Brian."

Kevin nodded. "What about Brian?"

Nick shrugged. "Well, you know that he hasn't been talking to us much, and when I talked to him last, he didn't really want to talk to me. Did you think he hates us? I mean, even though he said he was okay with all this, maybe underneath everything, he's really not. I mean, who knows how he really feels? Maybe he does hates us."

Nick paused for several moments, with imploring eyes on him. "I want this to work, and if Brian's ignoring us, and Howie doesn't seem to care and A.J.'s the only one who's talked us properly, then what are we doing to ourselves? To our friends?"

"What are we doing to ourselves?" Kevin repeated, incredulous. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

"Listen to me, Nick," Kevin said forcefully. "There's nothing wrong with what we're doing. Millions of people everywhere are doing the exact same thing. We're not breaking any new ground here so what's making you think all this? And if they still don't understand, maybe we'll just have to talk to them and prove to them that this is for real, until they do understand. But remember this: there's nothing wrong with what we're doing. Absolutely nothing."

Nick smiled softly. "Okay, if you say so."

Kevin chuckled. "I do say so." He leaned over and kissed Nick softly, trying not to get caught up within the moment, like he usually did. "Okay, I have to go now. I'll be back soon. Promise."

"Kevin?" Nick called out when Kevin headed for the door.

Kevin turned around, his eyebrows raised. "Yeah?"

Nick narrowed his eyes, his mind thinking of a million and one reasons not to say what he was about to, but inevitably he would have to ask. Either that or it would eat him up inside, and that would kill him, and he needed the truth. "Why do you love me?"

"Why do I love you?" Kevin said, walking over and kneeling down before Nick and taking Nick’s hands in his. "A million different reasons why." He paused, his emerald eyes darkening as he searched Nick’s face for answers. "What’s going on with you, Nick? Why all the questions? Why do you need to be reassured that I love you?"

Because you’re going to leave, that’s why!

Nick cleared his throat to rid itself of the lump that was forming. "No, I mean, why did you fall in love with me? It all happened so quick. I kissed you that day in the dressing room. All of a sudden, you were mine and I was yours. Why did you want me so easily? How could you’ve wanted me so easily, when you had a wife to love as much as me? Why didn’t you shove me away that day? Hit me, scream at me, anything? Why did you kiss me back?"

Kevin leaned over and pressed his lips to Nick’s forehead, before placing his forehead against Nick’s and holding onto Nick’s hands tightly. He could feel a slight tremble in Nick’s hands, he could feel that, but he wanted to know why. And all the questions. Everything.

"I think I’ve always loved you, Nick. I just never fully realised it until you kissed me that day. You solidified everything that I felt with that kiss, and I knew for sure after that that I loved you, that there was no denying what I felt. I couldn’t help it, Nick." Kevin paused, his eyes staring longingly into Nick’s. "I couldn’t help but love you."

Suddenly, Nick pushed Kevin away. "Go," he said in a choked voice. "I’ll see you later."

Kevin nodded. "Okay." Just as he reached the door, he turned around. "I love you, Nick. Always remember that."

Nick nodded, but he still wondered exactly where it was that Kevin was going.

~***~

Nick woke up to find that the place beside him in the bed was empty. He sat up and rubbed his eyes before checking the clock. It was just past seven. He found that Kevin's clothes from the day before had been tossed into a pile near the bed, and he remembered hearing that Kevin hadn't returned until past midnight, though he didn't fully wake up. It made him a hell of a lot suspicious but for some reason, he didn't question Kevin like he thought he would.

It was still eating away at him, but he couldn't find the courage to ask Kevin about it, because he didn't want to know the truth. He didn't want to know that there was a big possibility that Kevin was still seeing Kristin, and doing a hell of a lot more than just seeing her at that.

He got out of bed and picked up Kevin's clothes, to see what else he could find in the pockets or if he could smell the scent of perfume at all. When he picked up Kevin's shirt and held it to his nose, all he could smell was the familiarity of Kevin's cologne that he loved so much. He frowned.

Something wasn't right. All this just didn't add up in his head. So, to see if he could find something in the pockets of Kevin's jeans that would make some sense, he fished around in one pocket and found nothing. That was good. He fished around in the opposite pocket and felt something like a small card. He frowned again and pulled it out.

"What the hell?"

Daniel Wright - Real Estate and Property

555 6547

Nick shook his head and threw the jeans to the floor and placed the card back in the pocket. "I so don't get this," he said softly to himself. Suddenly, he broke into a run and fled the room. "Kevin!" he called, running down the stairs. "Kevin!"

There was no answer. He walked into the living room. Kevin wasn't there. He walked into every room on the first floor. No answer. He walked into the kitchen, and found a white coffee cup on the counter that was still half-full and a note beside it. He picked it up and began to read:

More business, can you believe it? Sorry I came in late last night, but the meeting I was at went longer than expected and I didn't have the heart to wake you. I promise I'll make it up to you soon, and hopefully I won't be late tonight.

Love you

Kevin

"Yeah right, you do," Nick said and threw the note down on the counter in disgust.

He shook his head, thinking that this was the second time in a row that Kevin had done this. And sure, they were busy people. But they had both managed to see each other albeit their hectic schedules for at least a few hours in the morning or at least spend the night together. This just wasn't something that either of them did. T

hey had both made a pact with each other from the very beginning to make time for each other, and all Kevin seemed hell-bent on doing was leaving him stranded at Kevin's house. He wondered if Kevin was seeing Kristin, if Kevin thought that that was wrong, that he would get suspicious at all. Surely Kevin knew that he would. After all, Nick was hardly stupid. He just didn't know that Kevin would do this all of a sudden, so suddenly. It was just too hard to comprehend.

Suddenly, a high-pitched shrill interrupted his thoughts. "Kevin," he said softly and pounced for the phone. "Hello?"

Unfortunately, it was A.J., not Kevin, and Nick's heart sunk just a little further into his chest. "Hey, Nicky boy! What's goin' on?"

"Nothing," Nick replied sadly, leaning against the counter. "Kevin's left me by myself. Again."

"Poor baby," A.J. replied with mock-sympathy.

Nick frowned, an idea coming to mind. "Hey, you wouldn't know where Kevin is, would you? I mean, today's the second time he's disappeared without telling me. He says it's business but we both know that meetings don't go past midnight."

A.J. laughed, though Nick heard a faint nervous tone to it. "When you're Kevin, they do."

"A.J.," Nick said softly. "I think he's seeing Kristin again."

"What?" A.J. cried. There was a pause, then laugher. "You've got to be kidding!"

"I found her number crumpled up in the pocket of his jeans," Nick said, feeling a little sick to his stomach, remembering exactly how he had felt when he had found it there. "Isn't that normally how it goes with affairs? You know, you find their numbers lying around for the world to see?"

"Nick," A.J. reproached. "Just trust me on this one, okay? Kevin isn't having an affair. You know how he is with that kind of thing."

"How the hell would you know whether or not he is?" Nick yelled. Then he realised. "You do know. Kevin's said something, hasn't he?" Silence. "Hasn't he?"

"Just trust me, Nick, and trust him," A.J. said. "Kevin's not having an affair."

Nick rolled his eyes. "Well, since you seem to know everything, maybe you can tell me why Brian doesn't want to speak to me and Howie hasn't called either of us in over two weeks!"

"I don't know," A.J. said. He felt back for Nick, and he could hear the distress in his voice. "Maybe you should try talking to them. Together. You know, you and Kevin. As a couple. To show them that no matter what they think, you and Kevin are going to be together. Maybe if you talked to them as a couple, both you and Kevin..."

"Yeah, maybe when he's actually around," Nick snapped, feeling sick to his stomach yet again. "So how do you know that he's not having an affair?"

"He's just not, okay?"

"Fine."

"Want me to come over?" A.J. asked.

Nick shook his head. "No, I'll be all right. Maybe Kevin might come back earlier."

"Yeah, maybe." He paused. "Are you sure you're all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

But he had a hard time believing his friend when he said that Kevin wasn’t having an affair, and a hard time believing himself.

~****~

June, 2001

This is the fourth time that Kevin has left at dawn without telling me. This is the fourth time I've woken up and he's not been there. And this will be the fourth time that I'll go to sleep and he won't be here. I find myself wondering what I've done to make him do this. I wonder why he's doing this to me. Disappearing the way he is.

Actually, I'll correct myself. This will be the third time that I'll go to sleep without him being here. Let me amend that. He came home the other night, it was past one and I waited. I was hoping to find out where he'd been. When he walked in the door, I just melted.  And his hair was wet. Warning bells went off in my head. So I asked him why.

"It started to rain a little when I left," he said evasively.

But when I looked out the windows, I saw a starry sky, meaning: there was no chance in hell that it could've rained, not even in the slightest.

So even though I wanted to question him, I kissed him instead and just wanted to show him that I loved him, and I wanted just a little reassurance that he still loved me, even if it was just physically.

And when I woke up today, he was gone.

I've tried to talk to him, but when he's not here, it's pretty damn hard to talk. And talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity. I've even tried to mention this whole thing to my Mom, since, apart from A.J., she's the only one that's talking to me.

But of course, I couldn’t. What do I say? "Hello! I’m gay, and I’m dating Kevin!"

You know, I thought us finally being together would make everything better, but now I find that it's just the same as before.

And so, do I stay?

Or do I leave?

~*****~