Commitment

© Sweet Kisses™

~*~

The sun shone onto Nick’s face as he stared up at Kevin’s closed eyes, Kevin’s face in the direction of the warm setting summer sun, Nick’s head placed in Kevin’s lap while Kevin absently toyed and twisted with Nick’s damp hair that was from them both swimming.

It had surprised Nick that he had woken up that morning to find Kevin actually asleep next to him, and not gone as he always was. While that had gotten the best of Nick for all the days that Kevin was away, it seemed that Kevin was trying to make up for the time that he had missed out on with him.

From the moment Kevin had woken up, he had made Nick his number one priority, and for that, it had almost cured Nick's worries caused by the thought that Kevin had been seeing his ex-wife. But, it seemed apparently not so, and Nick had no other choice and other option but to believe Kevin when he said that Nick was his world and believe A.J. when he said that Kevin wasn’t having an affair, and to trust him.

Nick placed his head further into Kevin’s lap, almost letting out a sly laugh when he heard Kevin’s reaction, which was a soft but deep strangled moan. "Something wrong?" he asked innocently.

Kevin gazed down at Nick with teasing eyes once he opened them. "Watch where you’re putting your head next time, blondie."

Nick pouted. "Blondie, huh?" he said, lifting his head out of Kevin’s lap and placing his lips just inches from Kevin’s, chuckling when Kevin, too, pouted when he tried to lean closer and kiss him, but Nick quickly darted out of Kevin’s line of attack.

It was definitely hard trying to resist Kevin, and he hadn’t been doing much of that lately, but he knew that when he resisted, Kevin only got more focused, and when Kevin seemed to focus all his energy on Nick, Nick knew that it was indeed a very good thing. He knew that from experience.

"That’s not nice."

Kevin smirked. "Neither is you trying to tease me."

Nick leaned closer to Kevin once more and lifted his hand up to brush over Kevin’s cheek, intently watching Kevin’s eyes and how they dilated with pleasure. He knew Kevin loved it whenever he touched him, wherever it may be. He just knew that Kevin loved just any sort of touch from him, for he described it as something euphoric, something like a small tremor, chemistry, even.

"Oh, Kevin," he purred softly. "You love it when I tease you. You love it when I touch you. I know you do."

All Kevin could do was nod and say, "uh-huh."

Nick kept his eyes firmly on Kevin’s as he allowed his hand to drift slowly down from Kevin’s cheek down to his chin, and saw Kevin’s lower lip quiver slightly. He then trailed his fingertips from Kevin’s chin down to Kevin’s neck, over the smooth and sensitive skin, sending a tiny spark through Kevin’s body. It was then that he saw Kevin’s eyes narrowing slightly, but his expression turning helpless.

A nice, warm feeling ran through Nick’s body as he became aware of what Kevin was feeling because of him, and carefully and as slowly as possible, allowed his fingertips to float down from Kevin’s neck to Kevin’s bare chest. And it was also then, when Nick’s index finger swirled around Kevin’s navel, that a tortured moan escaped from Kevin’s lips, and Nick couldn’t help being just a little bit smug.

"Hmmm," Nick drawled teasingly, "Kevin seems to like that."

Suddenly, Kevin snapped out of whatever land he was in and slapped Nick’s hand away. "Stop it," he cried and grabbed Nick by the shoulders and placed his lips firmly down onto Nick’s, eagerly pushing his tongue forward to meet and dance with Nick’s, and loved the way Nick dependently held onto him, like he was afraid to ever let him go. He felt the same rush of happiness that he always did whenever Nick wrapped his arms around Kevin’s neck and immediately collapsed into his body.

"Nick seems to like that," Kevin quipped softly with a small chuckle.

Nick then tackled Kevin to the ground and pinned him there with his body, placing his whole body on Kevin’s, his head placed on the position of Kevin’s heart. He placed his chin on Kevin’s chest and stared into Kevin’s eyes. "So, umm, what is it you do when you disappear every day?"

Kevin shrugged and played with the silky tresses of Nick’s hair. "Business."

Nick rolled his blue eyes skyward. "That’s what you always say," he said. "But what kind of business? What do you do? Where do you go?" He paused and frowned. "I miss you, you know."

Kevin pushed Nick off him and sat up, taking Nick into his arms, Nick’s back to his chest, his head on Nick’s shoulder, his arms around Nick’s waist. "I miss you, too," he said softly, staring into the sparkling water of the pool. "Its just business. You know, charities, lots of meetings with corporate and financial advisers, lawyers. It’s boring, tedious stuff, and believe me, I’d rather be here with you. But someone has to do it, and I guess I’m the one who seems right."

Nick’s lower lip pouted again. "But I miss you," he cried softly. "Doesn’t that mean anything? Can’t you get someone else to do it?"

Kevin sighed and tightened his arms around Nick, who was staring down at their fingers that were entwined. "Just because I’m with you doesn’t mean I can just throw away all my responsibilities. I know you don’t like me being away so much, and I don’t either, but the sooner I can get it all done and over with, the more time I can spend with you."

"But you’re not spending any time with me," Nick whispered.

"What?"

Nick pursed his lips together. "You’re not spending any time with me," he said more clearly. "Every time I wake up, you’re gone, and every time I go to sleep, you’re not there. You aren’t...well...you’re not..."

"Aren’t what?" Kevin asked. "What am I doing wrong here?"

One guess, Einstein, a voice inside Nick’s head screamed.

But all Nick did was shake his head. "You’re not doing things with me like you used to. I mean, even in the beginning and we were both paranoid about being caught out, we spent more time together then than now. I mean, we’ve got all this time, and you can spend it all with me, doing things together, making each other happy, and you’re never here."

Kevin was silent for a few moments, his mind pondering over everything that Nick had said. And finally, after letting his mind tick over the options, he said, "so tell me what I’m not doing, and I’ll do it. I mean, I’m here now, so why waste the precious time we’ve got?"

Nick’s heart soared and he quickly turned around and kissed Kevin for as long as he possibly could, as deeply as he could, loving the firmness of Kevin’s embrace and allowed himself to get caught up within the moment. When he felt Kevin’s hands trail slowly down his chest to his navel, and past his navel, and down further still, was all he needed to know that he needed Kevin, and right then and there.

"Kevin," he whispered.

"Hmm?" Kevin murmured, kissing down Nick’s neck. "What? What is it you want?"

Nick let out a tiny cry from Kevin kissing at the hollow spot on his neck and weaved his fingers through Kevin’s dark hair. "You, now," he whispered back, just as breathlessly. "It’s been a long time, too long, you know, since, well, we’ve actually...you know..."

Kevin was sure that he had never seen anything like what he saw in Nick’s eyes before in his entire life. Such need, such desire, such helplessness, it was almost overwhelming. He quickly pulled Nick up off the ground with himself, took him by the hand and led him inside, listening with amusement to Nick’s questions of what was happening, and guided him up the stairs and to the bedroom, still leading Nick by his hand. He pushed the door open and pulled Nick inside, shutting the door firmly behind them with his leg.

"Get on the bed," he ordered. "And lay down."

Nick raised his eyebrows inquisitively, but the small smile playing at his lips was anything but inquisitive. It was of some kind of pleasure, satisfaction, happiness. Nick did as he was told, and slowly sat down on the bed, keeping his eyes firmly on Kevin’s and then laid down. He stretched out his arms. "I’m here now, Kevin, do as you wish to me."

Kevin chuckled and stood beside the bed, staring down at Nick sprawled out on the blanket, his whole body doing nothing but inviting him, and so Kevin eventually lowered himself onto the bed, and onto Nick, holding him down when Nick struggled. "This is how it’s going to be, Nick," he said huskily, pinning Nick’s arms to the bed with his own. "You answer my questions wrong, and I won’t do a thing to you. But answer them right, and I’ll kiss you anywhere you want ….." His eyes lingered on the place just a few inches below Nick’s navel. "Starting right…….here."

Nick gasped as Kevin leaned down and kissed him where his eyes had been looking. He squirmed, and gasped again when he felt Kevin’s tongue come into contact with him. "Shit, Kevin……."

Kevin held down Nick’s arms even harder and continued to kiss him in that place. "So, Nicky," he drawled. "What do you like better? Silk or steel?"

Nick gasped for the third time from Kevin’s words and when he didn’t answer and saw Kevin moving upwards instead of down, he realised: if he didn’t say anything, Kevin wouldn’t do what he wanted, he’d just tease him until he finally either broke down crying or screamed.

"Uh..." Nick's eyes looked into Kevin’s. "Silk."

Kevin smirked. "Good boy," he whispered, and kept his eyes on Nick as he leaned down and kissed him further past where he had been. Kevin’s eyes lingered slyly on the next place he was about to kiss, and a naughty smirk was on his face, eagerly awaiting Nick’s answer to his next question. His eyes met Nick’s once more. "Fast or slow?"

Nick, by now, was panting heavily. "Umm...slow," he whispered breathlessly, moaning when Kevin laughed softly and kissed him just above the place he was longing to have some attention paid to, and arched his back from the sensations running through his entire body.

Kevin’s tongue darted out to flick over Nick’s skin. "How slow, Nicky?" he whispered.

"Jesus, Kevin!" Nick cried, trying to move desperately, but gasping when he couldn’t. Damn, Kevin was just too strong. "Slow. Really slow. Good enough? Just...puh-lease..."

Kevin placed his index finger over Nick’s lips. "Shh, I mean it." He paused and arched an eyebrow curiously. "Hot or cold?"

"Hot," Nick said in breathless anticipation. "Definitely hot."

Kevin’s face was then deadly serious. "Just one more question, Nick," he whispered, his fingertips brushing over the skin where he had just kissed and watching with suppressed amusement at the contorted expression on Nick’s face, his blue eyes closed, his whole face showing agony and torture "Ready for my last question, Nicky?"

"Yes, Kevin, please..."

"Do you love me?"

Nick nodded quickly. "Yes, Kevin, I love you. I love you! Now would you please do something with me already?"

Kevin chuckled and kissed Nick softly. "Okay, Nick, I’ll do something with you." His eyes gleamed playfully. "Starting with the shower."

~**~

Nick was woken up by the sun streaming in on his face and turned over, only to find that there was nothing there but a pillow when he reached out for Kevin. No Kevin.

He sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes and sighed sadly. That was no surprise. Really, when he thought about it, he should’ve been used to it by now. Because it seemed to be the same old thing now. No matter what they did together the night before, no matter how good or magical or even loved he might’ve felt, Kevin was always gone in the morning.

He felt like Kevin was treating him as though he was just a one night stand. And he considered himself stupid to think that even though they might’ve had a damn good time together that it would change anything. But he wanted it to. He wanted it to change what Kevin was doing to him. He thought that if he showed Kevin how much he needed him, how much he loved him, and how much he depended on him, then maybe he would stop leaving and never being around.

Nick thought it was time to live in the real world because it hadn’t, and it was never going to, change a single thing.

It was just not enough. It wasn’t the fact that he needed Kevin in some physical sense, and it wasn’t just the fact that he wanted to release a few needs and desires. It wasn’t about that. It was supposed to be about love. And sure, Kevin had said that over and over again, so many times that Nick almost thought he was a broken record. And it wasn’t enough anymore to just feel Kevin’s body against his. It wasn’t enough anymore to just feel Kevin against him, next to him, there - it just wasn’t enough anymore.

And did all this mean nothing to him? Was how many times Kevin had said that he loved him just another joke? Was how Kevin needed Nick, and Nick needed Kevin, just another stupid mistake? Was the way Kevin had kissed him, Kevin had held him, Kevin had tenderly brushed away his blonde hair, Kevin had said soft soothing words of love, just nothing? Meant nothing?

How could he tell what Kevin meant anymore?

And sure it was business. That was the oldest line ever. But his heart was telling him to trust Kevin, and maybe trust A.J., too. But the rational, more saner part of his head was telling him to look at all the evidence, and what did he have? Kevin’s ex wife’s number in the pocket of his jeans, Kevin disappearing twenty-four-seven, and Kevin saying it was business, was exactly what he had.

I.E.: an affair.

He rose from the bed in a sleepy state and stared at the framed picture of them both that was hanging on the wall. He remembered being sad that day, because Kevin had still been with his wife and Nick hadn’t found the courage to tell him how he felt. And he remembered thinking that Kevin looked good, almost too good for Nick’s liking, and was pretty must disgusted to find himself almost lusting after him then and there. He shook his head, thinking how silly he remembered himself being.

But really, wasn’t he being just as silly now?

Trying to make this work when Kevin was being pretty blatant about the fact that he didn’t want to be around?

Sure, he might’ve made Nick feel otherwise from the night before, but hey - that was just one night. Not almost a month of disappearing acts. He began to hate himself for loving Kevin, because it was just too hard to stop. Every time Kevin looked at him, he melted. Every time Kevin spoke to him, he melted. Every time Kevin touched him, he melted. Every time Kevin kissed him, he melted, and every time Kevin made love to him, or so Kevin called it, he melted.

And it just wasn’t fair.

It just wasn’t fair how much Nick was hurting because of him, no matter what Kevin did to make him think otherwise, because sex wasn’t everything, and it certainly wasn’t worth all this much pain. And when he thought about, that’s all they had. There was no more compatibility, no more companionship, no more laughter, no more sharing - just sex. And he hated himself for ever thinking that this could’ve worked. Yeah, he certainly had been living in dreamland, wasn’t he?

And Nick no longer believed in fairytales.

He stumbled down the stairs in a daze and strolled into the living room, only to be greeted by Niven who began to brush up against his leg - and nothing more. No Kevin. No partner. No love. No nothing. He sighed and scooped Niven into his arms, tickling her behind her ear.

"At least you still like me," he said softly and wandered into the kitchen.

The day that he could see out the kitchen windows were bleak, were cloudy, were dull - symbolically defining his own feelings. Ironic, really, when he thought about how many times the weather seemed to counteract with his moods. On the kitchen counter was yet another cup of coffee that was half-empty, which was what Nick usually found when Kevin disappeared.

Only, this time there was no note. No "I love you", no "I’ll be home soon", no "You looked too beautiful sleeping for me to wake you and say goodbye", not even a "Thanks for last night - it was fantastic, you were great", since he gathered this whole thing was just a prolonged one night stand - no nothing.

"Fuck," he hissed, and put Niven down on her feet and was tempted to throw the coffee cup against the wall, but caught his reeling anger in time. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself, and felt tears pooling in his eyes - yet another product of the one and only Kevin Scott Richardson.

Instead of letting Kevin get the better of him, and crying from Kevin’s cruelness, he cleared his throat and picked up the black cordless phone. He was going to call Brian. Staring at the phone in his hand, Nick wondered exactly what his reaction would be, and if Brian, and Howie, knew that their ignoring and silence was hurting him as much as it was. He didn’t understand. They said they were all right, they said they needed time to deal, but inevitably they were all friends, and friends stuck together.

So what the hell was going on here? Why were they ignoring him? Ignoring them both? What the hell was their problem? Did ten years mean nothing? Just shit? Is that all? Was that all it was going to take to let ten long years go down the drain? A tough relationship? Well, there was always a way to win friends and influence people...

Nick waited impatiently and nervously to hear Brian’s voice, and when he heard the chirpiness that was usual from Brian, his heart soared. "Hey, Brian!"

And suddenly, like clouds after sunshine, the chirpiness died. "Hey," he replied flatly and, if Nick didn’t know better, he sighed. "How’s everything?"

Nick nodded and hoisted himself up onto the counter. "Not too bad, could be better."

"Oh," was Brian’s only response.

Nick frowned. He didn’t like the sound of this at all. "So, listen. I’m here all alone and it’s a shit day. Do you want to come over or something? I’m really bored."

Brian paused for several long moments, and Nick continued to frown. "Umm..." Brian cleared his throat. "I kind of have a few things to do. Leighanne and I are...uh...umm...meeting prospective clients for our partnership."

Nick shrugged. "Can I help at all?"

"I don’t think so," Brian replied quickly and curtly. "But thanks," he added hastily.

Nick decided to get right to the point. "Brian, have I done something wrong? Is there something that I’ve done to make you so uncomfortable?" He paused and then he realised. "It’s me and Kevin, isn’t it?"

"No..."

"Don’t lie to me! I’m sick of people fucking lying to me!" Nick cried. "It’s true, isn’t it?"

"Yeah, as a matter of fact it is!" Brian yelled. "He’s my cousin, you’re supposed to be my best friend, we’ve known each other for ten years, which means you’re supposed to be best friends, not lovers! Do you know how that sounds and looks? The two of you together? I bet you think it’s fine, don’t you? And I bet that you even like what you two do together because you sure don't seem to have a problem with it!"

Nick gasped. "So what if I do?!" he yelled back. "So what if I like sleeping with him? So what if I like doing everything that I do with him? And so what if I think it’s fine? You don’t have to see it, you don’t have to live with it, and you don’t have to do it. We do, so back off!"

Brian paused again for several moments. "I can't help it if it makes me sick just thinking about it." 

"Fuck you!"

And it was then that Nick began to cry, not soft quiet tears, but heart-wrenching tears of hurt, pain, sadness, and possibly tears of regret.

~***~

June, 2001

This isn’t right. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t like what he’s doing to me, and I don’t like what I’m doing to myself. I can’t deal with this anymore. It’s just too difficult. I mean, I knew we were going to have it tough in the beginning, but I thought that if my friends were okay and still liked me enough, then I would get by, we would get by.

But they don’t, and I can’t.

Kevin keeps on leaving, disappearing, never telling me why, never telling me where it is that he’s going or what it is that he’s doing. I don’t know what else to do...but I don’t want to do that. I thought I would be with him forever. I thought I meant more to him than that. And maybe once I did, but maybe not now. Maybe he realised that it’s just easier if he was back with her. Maybe it might be easier for all of us.

I can’t cry anymore. Not over Kevin, and not over Brian. I’ve had enough. But I don’t want to go, so I’ll give him one more chance. If he leaves one more time, I’m gone.

Please, Kevin, give me a reason to stay...

~****~