Commitment

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Nick had an idea all of a sudden when he had woken up yet again to find that Kevin wasn’t there, but had disappeared for the millionth time. He just wanted to prove something to himself, once and for all. For if Kevin was having an affair, he wanted to make damn sure that that was what was happening. He had been so lonely, so upset, and with no one to comfort him when Brian’s words had stung and broken his heart, he felt like there was no way in the world that he could cry anymore than he already had - but he could, and he knew he would.

It was like everything had come crashing down around him. Kevin’s disappearing, Brian’s cruel words, A.J.’s defence of Kevin, everything. It had all come down on him at once, everything, and all of a sudden, he was crying for hours. He wanted to hit, hurt, all three of them, all of them, for hurting him as much as they were. God, didn’t they understand that he was already a shell of a man because of what Kevin put him through when he was married?

They just had to keep hurting him, didn’t they?

What had he done, done to any of them, to deserve all of this? He’d done nothing, simply nothing but fall in love. And was that such a crime? Was it right to be tortured because of the person that you loved? And he knew about friendship, he knew about loyalty, but why in the hell would A.J. try to protect Kevin when he was guilty? Would there be no end to all of this? Ever? Would he always play second to a woman that he didn’t even really know, didn’t even really like?

And why was it so easy for her to just step in and steal him away? Was she brainwashing him or something? How had she managed all this yet again? Would he never be free of? Would he never be able to be happy with Kevin, once and for all? Would something always stand in their way? Would they be only happy one minute, and then that would be it?

He just didn’t understand.

Nick searched through the same jeans that Kevin had been wearing when he had found Kristin’s number and searched through each of the pockets. Nothing obviously, for it had been too long. Whatever had been in there had obviously been removed. He found another pair of Kevin’s jeans crumpled in a heap on the carpet with his shirt. Obviously he’d been wearing them the day before. He quickly snatched the jeans up and scoured the pockets, to find nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Nick sighed.

Then he had another idea. He picked up the shirt and held it to his nose, trying to make out any faint remains of female perfume. But nothing. Just a hint of Kevin’s cologne and...and, was that, dust? He detected a small, dusty smell. He frowned and shook his head. Things just weren’t adding up.

Nick threw the shirt to the floor and searched through all of the drawers in the bedroom for some kind of evidence that could be useful. So far, nothing. Not so much as a letter, a key, nothing. He sighed. And then, something that was marking a page in one of Kevin’s books caught his eye. He grabbed hold of the book and pulled out whatever it was that was marking the page. His eyes widened.

It was Daniel Wright’s real estate card. Yet again. "What the hell is going on?"

Suddenly, he had an idea and jumped onto the bed and grabbed the black cordless phone, and he found that he had a few butterflies swimming in his stomach. "Good morning, Wright Real Estate. This is Lisa," a chirpy female voice said.

"Hi, could I speak with Daniel Wright please?"

"I’m sorry, sir, Daniel’s not in right - "

Nick threw the phone down on the bed and sighed. There had to be some sort of connection, with him and Kevin. Or maybe it wasn’t Kristin Kevin was...no. He wouldn’t do that would he? There was just no way that it would be, well, another man, putting it bluntly, for Kevin had never said that he was attracted to other men, well, he had but...no, that was impossible.

There would be no way that Kevin was seeing another man. No way in hell. But he had a nagging suspicion in the pit of his stomach, a nagging voice inside his head. And it just wouldn’t go away. Kevin...and another man? Seemed ridiculous. But Kevin had told him once that he found himself staring at a good-looking man the same way he’d stare at a beautiful woman. Would that mean with...lust, desire, passion, intent?

Oh God, that couldn’t be it. There was no way in hell that that could be true. There was no way in hell that Kevin was seeing another man. No way in hell.

Nick sat down on the bed and placed his head between his hands, confused, hurt and angry. What had he done, done to anyone, to deserve this? What had he done to Kevin to deserve this? Maybe Kevin resented him for making him choose between him and Kristin, and maybe Kevin had just all of a sudden realised that he had made the wrong choice. But didn’t Kevin, didn’t Brian and Howie, know that he had a heart and that his heart was continuously being broken by the people that supposedly loved him and cared for him?

God, what a load of bullshit that was. Nobody loved him. Nobody cared for him. Everyone was ignoring him. He just needed some answers...and answers he’d get.

Nick stood up, trying in vain to remember the number that was supposedly Kristin’s that he had found in Kevin’s jeans, and began pacing the floor, deep in thought. "Five five five...six something...umm...come on, brain, think!" He paused and closed his eyes, trying to visualise the number in his mind. "Five five five...no, zero...zero something...five five five zero six, was it? Zero six...zero...zero six zero..seven! Five five five zero six zero seven!"

He quickly scooped the black phone into his palm and with shaky fingers and butterflies still in his stomach, he hesitantly waited for a voice. Any voice. But the voice that he did hear, however, shocked him. It was a male voice. "Hi, you’ve reached Kristin and Daniel. Unfortunately we can’t take your call right now, but if - "

Nick threw the phone down to the bed as though he were scorched and stared at it in horror, as though a tiny black cordless phone had the amazing ability to turn suddenly into an axe murderer. "Daniel and Kristin?" he whispered. "What the fuck is going on?"

Instead of trying to decipher it any further, Nick threw himself down onto the bed, buried his head in a pillow and cried as though his heart were breaking.

Too bad it was already broken.

~***~

Nick had decided, once and for all, to confront Kevin and demand the truth, for he knew he deserved that much from him after the way Kevin had been treating him. Like shit, like nothing, as though he meant nothing, and now with the latest developments, it had been the final straw for Nick, the final nail in his coffin, and if he wanted to know anything before he left, it was the truth. And truth he would get. And then he would leave. Short and sweet. And if he saw Kevin crying...well, that would just be too damn bad, wouldn’t it?

He deserved to cry, to hurt, just like Nick, and whatever happened to the saying, what goes around comes around? Kevin was simply getting what he rightfully deserved: no more Nick. And it wasn’t as though Kevin had actually shown him lately that Nick meant anything to him, so what would be the difference if Nick wasn’t around? It wasn’t like Kevin had been spending any time with him, more with Kristin or Daniel or whoever it was that he was screwing around with.

Nick was over it.

Nick sighed and checked his watch. It was after midnight, close to one in the morning and Kevin still hadn’t returned. He wondered how Kevin did it. Home after one, gone again before six...he certainly had stamina to have kept it up for over a month. He certainly wouldn’t be able to keep it up. He loved sleeping too much. But then again, Kevin loved slumber like it was his life-blood or something, so Nick had to resign himself to the fact that whatever he was doing, he was certainly dedicated.

Just like everything else. Whatever Kevin had on his mind, he was always dedicated, no matter what it was. So why wasn’t he dedicated to making their relationship work if it meant as much as he said it did to him? Why wasn’t he committed to him, like he said he was? Why was he always doing this to him? And why couldn’t he just stay with him, and just make him happy, like he wanted?

But Nick was no fool, and he knew that the end had come. There was no denying that. Once he lost trust in Kevin, he knew it was over. What was worth keeping a relationship going if you couldn’t trust someone? And what was the point in trying to make a relationship work if there was no trust? Nick knew better. He wasn’t just going to sit around and play second fiddle to whoever, and even though it would probably kill him, he had to leave. He couldn’t stand what Kevin was doing to him. It was just too much to cope with. If only Kevin had been telling the truth, then he wouldn’t have minded so much...

But what was the truth these days?

When Nick checked the time again, it was after two in the morning and Kevin still hadn’t come home. He felt tears pooling in his eyes at the mere wondering of what Kevin could be doing at that point in time. Maybe he was...no, Nick didn’t want think about that. So instead, he headed upstairs and decided to start packing. No time like the present. And he didn’t want to start packing if Kevin came back, for Kevin would find a way to make him stay. He always found a way to stop Nick from being angry with him.

There was just something hypnotic about his emerald eyes. Nick thought it was probably infatuation, awe, but maybe it wasn’t love. Maybe this whole thing was just that: infatuation. Kevin was probably infatuated because Nick was infatuated with him. Just a game, just a little thing that he could play with. That was Nick. And everybody thought that he didn’t care, that he never cared, that he was too young to care or feel real feelings.

God, how they were wrong...

Kevin had always promised to dream his dreams for him, and now his dreams were real. But how could Kevin just treat him like he was just another one of his silly little deals? Sure, he could fall for everything, like silver, everything nice and gold, and the promises Kevin held. Kevin had promised him everything. Kevin had promised him everything, through thick and thin. And the things Nick had believed in...God, how stupid he was. He believed in everything Kevin did. His kisses, his words, his touch...how could Nick have been so blind to see that it meant nothing? And Nick even cried once...the first time...

Nick wiped a tear away. "Fuck you, Kevin," he hissed and threw the remainders of his clothes into a bag and checked the closet one more time to see if he had missed anything important.

He had only packed the bare essentials. He didn’t care about the rest. It could all burn in hell as far as he was concerned, for it all had reminders of Kevin. It could all burn and turn to charcoal for all he cared. He hoisted the bag over his shoulder and took one more look at the bedroom before him and wiped another tear away. God, it held so many memories. And it hurt to leave it all behind, but he had to. He couldn’t stand this any longer.

As though on cue, and it was after two thirty in the morning, Nick heard the front door open quietly as he walked down the stairs. He quickly and as silently as possible hurried down the rest of the stairs and threw his bag down on the couch, crossing his arms defiantly. When Kevin walked through, Nick saw just how tired he looked. The early mornings and late nights did nothing to conceal that on his face.

"Where have you been?"

When Kevin saw Nick standing there, he was slightly taken aback. But then he sighed and rolled his eyes. "Don’t start this again. I’ve had a long day and I’m tired."

Nick narrowed his eyes. "Oh, that’s right. Business," he said sarcastically.

Kevin nodded slowly, though Nick could tell his guard was up. "Yeah, that’s right." His eyes finally became aware of the bag sitting on the couch. "What’s this?"

"I’m leaving," Nick said softly, his eyes downcast. "I can’t take this anymore, Kevin. I know what’s going on. I’m not stupid. I know what you’re doing."

Kevin’s eyes widened slightly. "Oh, yeah? Then tell me what I’m doing."

"You’re having an affair!" Nick yelled.

Kevin let out a small laugh. "Are you serious?"

Nick felt his anger bubbling over in the pit of his stomach, and he felt the overwhelming desire to hit him. "Just tell me the truth. I’m sick of you lying to me. Just tell me why you’re leaving all the time and why you’re never here and why you never tell me the truth! I deserve that from you, Kevin. I deserve better than how you’re treating me."

Kevin stared at Nick for several long moments, wondering exactly what had gotten into him. "I’ve never lied to you, Nick. I’ve never, ever lied to you. Ever. And that’s what is true. I have never and will never lie to you. I’ve never done anything to make you sceptical of me. All I’ve ever done is love you."

Nick rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, love doesn't mean much to you obviously!" He held up his hand to show Kevin his ring and talked in a low voice. "You gave this to me. That’s supposed to mean something. It’s supposed to mean that you love me. And you said that it’s supposed to show that we were committed to each other, like marriage. Marriage, Kevin. You know what that is, right?"

Kevin nodded. "Yes, I know," he whispered.

Nick continued, all the words just rolling out. "Oh, hang on. You failed at that once, so it’s no surprise you’ve failed again."

That clearly hit a nerve, for Kevin’s lower lip trembled and he stared at Nick in horror for several long moments. "Why are you so hell bent on hurting me?"

"You’ve hurt me!" Nick screamed. "You’ve hurt me almost beyond repair! You’ve made so many promises that you don’t keep! You promised me love! You promised me your whole life! Why did you make those promises if you didn’t intend to keep them?!"

Kevin shook his head sadly, his sorrowful green eyes filling with unshed tears. "I’m not having an affair, Nick. Honestly, I’m not, and it kills me to know that you’ve ever doubted me. I’ve been nothing but faithful to you. Everything I’ve done, everything I’m doing, is because of you, for you. My whole life is you."

"Everything I’m doing is because of you," Nick imitated and picked up his bag and sailed past Kevin. "I suggest you go back to your ex-wife. You seem pretty hooked."

Kevin turned swiftly around and grabbed Nick by the arm, spinning him back to face him. "Are you just going to leave?" he whispered, holding Nick as close as he possibly could without kissing him. "You’re just going to leave me? Don’t you love me anymore? Don’t you love us anymore? Don’t I make you happy? Don’t I love you enough?"

He moved his head into the crook of Nick’s neck, gently nuzzling at Nick’s soft skin and running his hands underneath Nick’s shirt. "Don’t I make you feel things, nice things? I do, you know I do. Stay, and I will. If you stay, I’ll do anything you want. Just tell me what it is..."

Nick felt his insides go weak from the deepness of Kevin’s voice and the softness of his touch. It was happening again, he was getting weak once more. "Stop leaving me."

Kevin sighed. "Nick..."

Nick then shoved Kevin away. "If you can’t stay away from her, then I’m not going to stay."

"I’m not having an affair!" Kevin yelled. "Why won’t you believe me?"

"What have you done to make me believe you?" Nick countered.

Kevin shrugged, his eyes cold. "Well, if you can’t trust me, I don’t see any point in you staying. What’s the point of a relationship if there’s no trust?"

Nick felt a tear trickle down his face as he gave Kevin one last look before closing the door behind him.

~****~