~*~

Don’t you think so?

~**~

Nick thought that maybe hot water would wash away his worries and pain and sorrow, and that maybe it would run down the drain with the water. But it didn’t. It only gave him more time to think, and more time to realise just how much he missed Kevin, and how much Kevin had hurt him. He was now in a hotel room, all by himself, hating himself, hating Kevin, and wanting to die. He had thought about it so much, trying to work out what he had done to make Kevin do this to him, to make some sort of sense of it all, and nothing ever came of it. He had been crying for so long that he wondered if he could keep on crying.

And once again, he’d proved himself wrong. He could keep on crying, and cry he did. Over everything. His broken heart. The fact that Kevin never told him the truth. The fact that Kevin had still managed to make Nick love him, no matter what he said or did. And of course, the biggest thing of all: Kevin’s disappearing.

He decided that he was a fool to love Kevin, and maybe sleeping it all off would be a better option than crying, but trying to sleep only made it harder when he imagined that Kevin would be laying next to him.

He was laying down on the bed after another unsuccessful attempt of drifting off to sleep, still absolutely numb and still crying for millenniums. His mind just couldn’t really register exactly what had happened between them and how he had the courage to leave. It was like it had been another world, another lifetime, another him. He had done the last thing he thought he’d ever do, and that was actually leave Kevin. Just the thought of it a while ago was enough to scare him, and now that he’d actually gone and done it, he was more than just scared. He was heartbroken.

He never thought that he would feel this bad, this horrible, as though he had done something drastically wrong. And maybe he had, and maybe he’d never know that until a long time away. He just didn’t think there was another way out for him, another way to save himself before he just became a meek person who’d just smile and agree when the horrible truth came out.

He just couldn’t stand the way he was being treated, and he didn’t deserve that.

Nobody did.

And now, he had nothing. No house. No partner. No friends. No love. No support. No nothing. Everything that he thought was for the best when he was with Kevin, selling his house and everything in it, now seemed to be a mistake. And the reason why he’d done it was because he had faith in the fact that they’d be together forever. And now, he was left with nothing. He’d always been silly and naive when it came to Kevin, and usually he let Kevin make the decisions for him, only because Kevin was older and knew much more than he did. And now, that was a stupid thing to do.

And maybe, as he thought about it, Kevin wasn’t good for him. He never thought for himself with Kevin, never did anything alone without Kevin, never made decisions without Kevin - he just became Kevin’s little puppy dog that followed him around, totally infatuated by him. And he now believed that them sleeping together was probably just an added bonus.

The high pitched sound of his cell phone broke him out of his wave of despair. He stared at it on the bed, wondering if it could be Kevin. Maybe. Maybe not. He’d never know unless he answered...

"Nick, what the fuck are you doing?" came A.J.’s angry voice. "Do you know what you’ve done?"

Nick suddenly burst into tears again at the sound of A.J.’s voice. "I left him!" he sobbed. "I couldn’t handle it anymore! He was treating me like shit! I don’t deserve that! He was never around! You don’t know what that was like!" He let out a strangled, heart-wrenching sob. "He was screwing his ex-wife behind my back! Ever had that happen to you, huh?"

A.J. sighed in agitation. "That, again? Didn’t I tell you that he wasn’t having an affair and that he’d never, ever do that to you?"

"What do you care, A.J.?" Nick yelled. "Why are you calling me? And how come you know what he’s been doing?!"

"Only the fact that I just finished talking to Kevin about two seconds before I called you!" A.J. yelled back. "Do you know the state you’ve put him in? He’s fucking hysterical! He made no sense and he was crying his eyes out! Do you know what he said to me? Go on, ask! I dare you."

Nick frowned and wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. "What? What did he say?"

"He says he wants to die because you doubted him," A.J. said in a quiet voice. "He says he wanted to die when you accused him of still sleeping with Kristin. He told me that when you said that, he felt like you were ripping his heart out! Jesus, Nick, you know him better than that!"

"Then you tell me why he was disappearing all the time and why I found her number in his jeans and why he’s got Daniel Wright’s number! Know who he is, do you? Bet you do, don’t you? Don’t you?!" he yelled again.

"Daniel Wright..." A.J. whispered. "Oh, God."

"What?" Nick said desperately. "Please, A.J., tell me. Tell me so I’ll understand. Please, A.J. Please."

A.J. sighed. "Kevin’s going to kill me, but..." He sighed again. "Nick, Kevin was surprising you with a house."

"What?!" Nick exclaimed. "That makes no sense!"

"Actually, it does," A.J. said in a controlled voice. "Nick, Daniel Wright is Kristin’s partner. He manages real estate and property. Kevin knew Daniel because they’ve met before, so Kristin gave Kevin their number so Kevin could talk to Daniel. Daniel found a place that he knew Kevin would like, but it needed a bit of work, so Kristin and Daniel helped him out. And that is why Kevin was disappearing all the time. He was fixing up a house to give to you. He knew you didn’t really like staying at his house because Kristin was once there, so he spent long hours on the new house to get it done quicker."

Nick sat there in stunned silence, his eyes wide, his mouth agape. "Shit," he whispered.

"Kevin called me practically every day," A.J. continued, "and every day he’d tell me that it was harder and harder to leave you. He knew you didn’t like him leaving you so much, so in the end he spent even longer there, well into the early hours of the morning, so he’d finish it quicker and you’d be happy again. He hated leaving you, Nick. He hated leaving you more than anything in the world. He knew it made you upset, so it made him upset. A few times he almost started crying because he’d take a day off and spend it with you and never want to go back. But he had to, because he was doing it all for you. For you, Nick. Ever heard of a labor of love?"

"Yes," Nick whispered.

"That’s what it was," A.J. concluded softly. "He was doing it because he loved you and he wanted you to be happy, and never, ever, was he sleeping with Kristin. He couldn’t have, because Daniel was always with them and Kevin didn’t want her, anyway. They’ve remained friends, sure, but they’ve both very much have moved on."

When Nick thought about it, it all added up. The card. The number. The answering machine. The faint smell of dust in Kevin’s clothes. Everything. And then he was crying again, his heart becoming a crumbling mess. "God, what have I done?" he sobbed.

A.J. sighed in despair. "I hate to say it, but you’ve really screwed up this time, Nick," he said. "And that’s why we’re all hesitant about you two being together, because if you both end up apart, it’ll hurt all of us collectively, not just the two of you." He paused. "Nick, just go back to him. Talk to him. Make him understand that you were just insecure and you didn’t know how else to react, considering the evidence. Just talk to him. He’s a mess."

"He hurt me."

"You hurt him."

"I can’t."

"You will."

Nick whimpered softly. "But what if he doesn’t accept my apology?"

A.J. was silent for a moment. "Can I ask you something?"

"Okay."

A.J. paused, trying to think of a nice way to construct his question. It was a bit embarrassing, but he knew he had to ask, to make sure, once and for all, just how these two felt about being together in love. "You and Kevin have been...well, getting it on for a while, right?"

Nick rolled his eyes and sighed. "Right," he said dryly, clearing the tears in his voice. "But it's more than that."

"Oh, I’m sorry," A.J. replied sarcastically. "Let me rephrase that. You and Kevin have been intimate for a while now, right?" When he got no response, he took that as a yes. "Right. So tell me. Why do you say it’s more than just sex?"

"Because..." Nick faltered for an explanation. "It’s not the way you do it, it’s how you feel when you do it. It’s the feelings you have and hold for each other, and show each other. You have all these feelings, all these emotions, it just all comes together when you do it, so it becomes more than just sex."

"Nick," A.J. said softly after a long pause, "let me just tell you that what you just said was pretty much what Kevin just said a few minutes ago. Don’t let it slip through your fingers, or else it’ll be too late..."

Nick buried his head in the pillow and began to cry more openly and more freely than ever before in his whole life. Exactly what had he done?

~**~

Nick sat out on the deck of his hotel room in the early hours of the morning, finding it rather difficult to sleep. It was just after three, and in the next two hours or so the sun would be rising and the sky would change from a black velvet blanket of twinkling stars to a bright blue masterpiece. He couldn’t sleep, and it wasn’t as though he hadn’t tried. Because he had. He had tried so hard, so many times.

It was just too tough, sleeping alone. He’d gotten so used to someone else laying in bed next to him, that he’d just treated it as second nature, that Kevin would always be there next to him, no matter what people like Brian said, no matter what people like Howie did to him. He’d always taken for granted the fact that Kevin would always be beside him, no matter what. He’d always taken for granted the fact that no matter what happened between them and everyone else, they would still be together and still be a part of each other, no matter people said or did to them.

Kevin was now gone.

He hadn’t realised just how hard it would be, being away from Kevin. He’d only been away from him for a day and already he was a mess. All he’d been doing was crying, crying, and crying. And just when he thought that he was all cried out, he’d just go ahead and cry some more. He didn’t know if the things that A.J. had told him were true, but they sounded true and he wanted to believe that they were true. He did, with all his heart.

Them. Together. In their own little house. Their first house. Together. Seemed like a fairytale, and a while ago their relationship was. Everything between them was perfect. But that was before Kevin had started disappearing on him and leaving him alone, leaving him to wonder just how deep Kevin’s love for him really was and whether or not he was just one of Kevin’s toys that he could play around with strictly when he was bored.

But he still loved Kevin. He knew that much. He would always love Kevin, no matter what he said or did. He would always love Kevin, he was sure of it. He had loved Kevin so strongly and with so much of his heart for so long, that he knew that he’d never, ever stop loving him. And now for Nick to think that he’d pretty much thrown it all away, it broke his already broken heart. Just broke it some more. Just solidified the gap right down the middle of it. He knew he’d always love Kevin.

He couldn’t survive without him. He couldn’t sleep without him. He couldn’t breathe without him. No matter how dependent on Kevin that he was, there was nothing he could do to stop himself being like that. Kevin was his main source of life, giving him a reason to live, giving him a reason to breathe, and giving him the ability to sleep at night.

Trying to sleep alone the night before had been one of the toughest things that Nick had to conquer. Even when Kevin was disappearing all the time and Nick used to fall asleep alone, sometime during the night or morning, Kevin would suddenly appear next to the bed, staring down at Nick while he slept. He’d tenderly kiss Nick on the forehead, turn around and begin to get undressed. Though he didn’t know it, but by this time Nick had felt the kiss and his eyes would flutter open to watch Kevin take off his clothes.

His breath would catch in his throat at the sight of Kevin stripping off in the moonlight, and he particularly loved the fact that Kevin would do that slowly, mainly because he was usually tired and just stand there, clothing free, for a moment or two and turn his head from side to side, and Nick drank in every smooth contour, every well-defined muscle, every perfectly sculptured limb of Kevin’s body with his eyes and that would be enough for his wake-up call. His heart would start racing, his insides would start feeling like water, his arms and legs would start to feel weak, and he would start to get a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach, like giddiness.

Then Kevin would turn around and Nick would tightly close his eyes as Kevin carefully and as silently as possible climbed into bed next to him. Nick wouldn’t move a single inch, he would still pretend that he hadn’t woken up. Kevin would wrap his arms around Nick and hold him close to his chest, and Nick would then absently snuggle into Kevin while Kevin would wrap his entire body around Nick’s. His legs would entwine with Nick’s, his arms would entwine with Nick’s, his fingers would entwine with Nick’s, and he’d place his head against Nick’s shoulder, kissing him there softly and he’d feel Nick stir but never waken in his arms.

Though, in his sleepy state, Nick would whisper, "love you," and that would make Kevin’s heart flutter before he’d fall asleep. But sometimes, though not all the time, Kevin wouldn’t go straight to sleep. He’d just lay there with his eyes open and with Nick in his arms and just delicately caress Nick’s arms or chest or just curl Nick’s blonde hair around his fingertips while kissing the nape of Nick’s neck.

That would be enough for Nick to wake up and he’d move against Kevin, to find that Kevin’s body was wrapped around his, and he loved it. He loved the feeling of it. He loved the feeling of Kevin playing with his hair and Kevin kissing his neck, and to let him know that he was responding, he’d gently squeeze Kevin’s fingers with his own. Kevin would then turn Nick onto his back and stare down into Nick’s sleepy eyes for several moments and instantly he’d see the need, the desire, the wanting of love and he’d softly press his lips down on Nick’s, just tenderly kissing at them before Nick began to return them, and then Kevin would floor him with kisses so deep and so charged with passion, that he’d feel a tiny shiver run though Nick’s body.

Kevin would try and calm him with a gentle touch in places that Nick loved to be touched, and it never did calm him, it would only cause the shiver that ran through Nick to be stronger and longer. But instead of stopping, Kevin would just continue until he heard a tiny cry escape though Nick’s lips and he could no longer just lay there, his body pressed against Nick’s, and simply just kiss him.

Kevin would look up to find Nick’s head thrown back against the pillow, his eyes tightly shut and his features slightly contorted from the feelings that were running through him, and Kevin would whisper into his ear for Nick to open his eyes. Nick would, and he’d stare straight into Kevin’s through narrowed eyes that came from what Kevin was doing, and had done, to him and from then on, they created their own little world, as though they were the only people in the world that mattered.

Their bodies would join together in a beautiful and sweet blending, their fingers would remain entwined and they’d both discover each other and rediscover just how deep their love for each other ran. Nick would grip Kevin as tightly as he could, allowing Kevin to claim his body and listening intently to the soft pants and gasps that came from the both of them, both of them just languidly enjoying each other and finding out just how much their body could give and take.

Nick would hear Kevin whispering into his ear, as though it were some kind of love chant, "Nicky...I love you, Nicky..."

That was all that he needed to send him over the edge, for ensconced in the black silk sheets, surrounded by Kevin, inside and out, he would see stars, fireworks, and all he could feel was Kevin’s soft kisses and Kevin’s gentle touch. Eventually he would calm down, helped by millions of Kevin’s tender kisses, and his body would still be wrapped around Kevin’s, Kevin still surrounding him, inside and out...

But that, too, was gone.

Nick wiped a tear away as he looked out into the distance, gazing at the black rolling waves with sad eyes and an unhappy heart. He wanted Kevin back. He wanted Kevin back so much. He loved Kevin, and he knew that that would never change. Ever. He wanted to believe what A.J. had told him. He wanted to believe in every word. But why couldn’t Kevin have told him himself?

That would’ve prevented all this from happening in the first place and Nick wouldn’t have been so upset and heartbroken. This whole thing would’ve been avoided had Kevin told him the truth. But he didn’t. But Nick understood why. Though it made him wonder why Kevin didn’t tell him the truth if he didn’t want Nick to leave as much as he said he did. Nick just didn’t understand that, either.

He didn’t understand a lot of things.

"A.J., it’s me."

"Nick, what the hell are you doing? It’s just barely after three in the morning!" A.J. exclaimed softly.

Nick sniggered as the gentle breeze ran through his body. "Hey, three in the morning is when you start partying."

A.J. ignored the comment and yawned softly instead, showing Nick how much he cared for it. "Hang on, Sarah’s asleep." He sighed sleepily. "All right, Nick, what’s wrong?"

Nick sniffed softly and felt more tears pooling in his eyes. "I can’t sleep. I miss him, A.J.," he cried quietly. "I really miss him. It’s killing me! What should I do?"

A.J. sighed again. "Nick, I told you what you should do and you won’t do it," he said. "I don’t know how to make it any more clearer. Kevin was never having an affair. Ever. I told you to go and see him before it’s too late and apologise, but you’re just too goddamn stubborn!" He paused to let the words sink in. "And if you feel like you’re dying, it’s nobody’s fault but your own."

Nick scowled. "Gee, thanks," he said brokenly. "I call you for help and this is what you say to me!"

"Sorry, Nick, but that’s the way it is," A.J. said evenly. He paused again for several moments, and then sighed once more. "Nick, just get off your ass and go and see him. I told you what happened, I told you what you’ve done to him, now go and fix it. Because if you don’t..."

Nick bit down on his lower lip, knowing what A.J. was going to say. "If I don’t, it’ll be the end of us, won’t it?" he whispered.

"Yes, it will be and none of us want that," A.J. answered softly. "Nick, just go and see him. Apologise. Cry. Get down on your knees. Beg. Just don’t leave until he believes you and trusts you again."

"Do you think I was wrong for what I did?" Nick whispered.

"No," A.J. replied, though reluctantly. "I guess I can understand. But he did all that for you, Nick, because he loved you. For you." He paused again. "Apologise. For the love of Christ, just apologise for what you’ve done and the mistake you’re making, and might make if you don’t."

Nick knew he was sorry, and Nick knew now, deep down in his heart, that Kevin had done nothing wrong. But it was a real pity that Nick didn’t have the guts to say that to the one person that mattered most in the world to him.

~***~