Commitment

© Sweet Kisses™

~*~

July, 2001

I’m so stupid, and I have no guts. I can’t even begin to think of how an apology might sound, and how it would be for Kevin to forgive me, and nothing could be further from the truth: I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me, and I don’t want to experience the pain that would come with it when he tells me that he’ll never love me again. It would simply and utterly be too much to bear.

I wish I could think of a way to make it up to him, but I can’t - my mind is just blank, just numb. And to think that I’ve ruined every beautiful thing we had together just makes me wonder why I’m even still alive if I can’t have him back.

Me and him, in our own little house together. And he loved me, after all, through everything.

God, I’ve fucked everything up, so why don’t I just kill myself now?

~**~

Nick heard a faint knock on the door, and he almost thought that it could’ve been the wind. But after listening for a few moments, the tapping still continued. He bit down on his lower lip, wondering if it could be Kevin on the other side. And what exactly would he say to him if it was Kevin? That he was sorry? Definitely. That he still loved him? Of course.

That he was a complete fool for ever doubting him? Certainly. But it was just actually trying to get the words to form was the hardest task of all, and even though he felt these things, it was always harder to actually put them out verbally. He always had that problem, even in the easiest circumstances, and most people thought he was a push-over. But he was no push-over, and he tried to prove that by leaving Kevin, though he knew now that his actions and intentions in doing so were all wrong, right from the start.

He tried to think of a plausible explanation if it happened to be Kevin standing there. He had been miserable for the whole entire time he’d been on his own, crying until he thought he couldn’t cry any more, and then he’d just cry some more. He’d never really realised just how miserable and unhappy he’d be without Kevin, and now he knew that Kevin was his main source of life. Kevin was the reason he was still living, and Kevin was the reason he was breathing, and now that he knew the reasons behind everything, he wanted to cry once again.

And what exactly would he do if it was Kevin? Would he do what A.J. told him to do? Cry? Sob for all eternity? Throw himself into Kevin’s arms? Kiss him and reassure him that no matter what, he would always love Kevin? Would he even go as far as to try and seduce him, maybe? He didn’t know. But he knew that he had to say he was sorry, he had to start with that. That would be a good beginning, and then it would all be up to Kevin. It would be Kevin’s call as to what would happen next, whether or not they would end up back together or whether they would find themselves with a harsh reality of being apart forever, never to be together again.

He didn’t want that, that was the last thing he wanted, and somehow, someway, he had to prove that to Kevin.

With a deep breath and renewed vigour, Nick walked over to the door, took another deep breath and opened it, only to find Kristin standing in the doorway with a shy smile on her face. "Hi, Nick," she said softly. "Can I come in? I think we need to talk."

Nick frowned and stared at her for several moments. How in the hell did she know where he was, and why was she even standing there, anyway? But then he realised: A.J. A.J. must’ve put her up to this, he realised that in a moment. He nodded blankly. "Umm...sure, come on in."

The shy smile remained intact on her face as she thanked him and stepped past him, scanning the messy hotel room before her. She eyed with a certain degree of trepidation at the millions of tissues that were scattered around and the few empty bottles of alcohol on the coffee table. "You know, Nick, drinking and crying never mix."

Nick rolled his eyes. "Sometimes they do," he said and sat down on the black leather couch, motioning for her to take a seat on the adjacent couch. "So, how did you know I was here and why are you here?"

Kristin sat down and smoothed down her pale blue skirt and took a small breath. "A.J. told me what happened between you and Kevin, and so I thought it was up to me to set everything straight between you two, once for all." She paused. "Nick, Kevin loves you. He really does. I hate to admit it, but he loves you more than he ever loved me. When we were together, all he ever talked about was you. I never realised just what that meant, that you two were secretly together, when every second word that came out of his mouth was Nick. I understood that you two were close, that Kevin was like your father for so long when you were growing up, so I didn’t think much of it. But honestly, Nick, he loves you so much. He really does."

"I love him, too," Nick whispered. "But he hurt me."

"I know," Kristin replied, nodding. "But he wanted the house to be a surprise for you, to show you how much he loved you. And he does, Nick. More than he ever loved me." She smiled. "Which is why I’m glad that Kevin and I divorced when we did. I didn’t want my marriage to be a failure, but I didn’t want to be unhappy for the rest of my life. Which is also why I’m glad that I met Daniel when I did, all those years ago, and even happier that he loves me now. He loves me like Kevin used to when we were younger and had just first met. I don’t think anyone deserves to play second best in a marriage, which is why we’re both better off as friends than married."

Nick frowned. "So..." he trailed off, clearing his throat. "So, Kevin was actually doing all this for me?"

Kristin smiled. "Yes, he was. Kevin and I have remained friends after everything and we’ve managed to keep up with what’s going on in each other’s lives. When I told him that Daniel manages real estate and property, he said that the two of you had been looking for a house together, but had never found anything you both could agree on. So he talked to Daniel and Daniel found exactly what Kevin was after, though it was a little run-down in a few areas. But you know Kevin, he was up to it."

She let out a small giggle. "Daniel and I took pity on him and decided to help him out with some of the tough renovations that was needed. And I’ll tell you something. He almost drove us all insane from his incessant babbling about you! You were all he talked about. Daniel and I threatened to gag him one time, it got so bad! But honestly, it showed us both how much he loved you."

Nick placed his head in his hands. "God, I’ve screwed up everything!"

Kristin leaned over and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "No, you haven’t," she said quietly. "He still loves you, and you still love him." She paused and sighed. "I’ll admit something to you here that Kevin doesn’t know."

Nick raised his head and stared tearfully into her eyes. "What?"

"When I found out that you two had been together for a while, behind my back, I hated you for what had happened," she said seriously. "I hated you for ruining my marriage, and I wondered what the hell he saw in you and never saw in me. I hated that Kevin was slowly slipping away. I hated that Kevin hadn’t told me he loved me in a while. I hated that Kevin stopped showing me any affection. And most of all, I hated that Kevin had stopped making love to me. I thought it was something I was doing wrong, so when I tried to find out and tried to make it better, he only pushed me away, coming up with all these excuses that never rang true. And when I found out about you two, I was so angry. But luckily, Daniel was there to heal that. Thankfully," she added with a small smile.

Nick’s eyes widened. "He actually...stopped having sex with you?"

Kristin nodded. "He did. That’s when I thought he might’ve been seeing another woman, so when I confronted him, he started crying, and instantly I felt bad for doubting him. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that he might’ve been seeing another man and never, ever did I suspect that the other man was you. But it was. It was you he loved all along, not me."

Nick ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "You thought it was another woman?"

Kristin shrugged. "What else could I think of? That was the most reasonable excuse for him not wanting to sleep with me, for no longer finding me attractive. And that hurt, it really did. I tried to make it better, tried different things to sort of, I don’t know, liven things up but it never worked. I’ve since confronted him about that and he sheepishly admitted that the reason he stopped sleeping with me when you two were together was because he thought it was like he was cheating on you."

She frowned. "Which made me kind of angry at the time, even though we had since divorced when he told me this. I deserved more than that, I knew it. I mean, he was cheating on me. With you. I deserved to be considered like that. I was his wife, not just his girlfriend." She smiled wryly. "Or his boyfriend."

Nick chuckled sadly. He had never realised that, all along, he had been ignoring Kristin completely, even when Kevin went back to Kristin after those wonderful few weeks together in April. He had never suspected, he had thought that Kevin had selfishly forgotten about him. But how it was different. How he had mistaken Kevin.

"I never knew. I really am sorry. I never meant to fall in love with him, but I did."

Kristin nodded. "I understand, because I was in love with him, too. He’s a wonderful man, really he is, but I deserve better than that and I’m not going to be in a relationship for convenience or just because it’s comfortable. I deserve to be loved whole-heartedly, just like everyone else. It was just a real pity that Kevin fell out of love with me before I had a chance to save what we had."

She paused and took hold of Nick’s hand. "Don’t feel bad for what I’ve just told you. In actual fact, you probably did us a favour. We might’ve gone on for years in a loveless marriage and been both unhappy, so it was probably better off it ending now than later."

"So, you and Daniel," Nick said, sighing. "You’re both happy together?"

Kristin smiled prettily. "Very," she gushed. "We’re even thinking of getting married but after being married once, I’m not going to rush into it again."

"Good advice," Nick mused softly.

Kristin cleared her throat and sat forward. "Look, Kevin’s a very special person, you know that. And you should also know that he loves you more than he’s ever loved me or anyone else before in his entire life. Everything that he’s done, everything he’s doing is for you." She was quiet for a moment to let the words sink in. "Nick, he’s sold his house."

That made Nick sit up straighter. "What?" he cried. "Why? So soon?"

Kristin’s face was impassive. "There was no reason for him to stay there any more. He sold everything in it that reminded him of you, and he was going to sell it, anyway, after he surprised you with the house he found for you. He’s there right now, at the new house and I hate to say it, but he won’t be there for much longer."

"Why?" Nick whispered.

Kristin checked her watch. "He’s leaving for New York in about an hour." When she saw the questioning look on Nick’s face, she added, "he wanted to get away from everything that reminded him of you if you were never going to be together again."

Nick suddenly jumped up. "But he can’t!" he exclaimed. "He can’t leave without knowing how I feel!"

Kristin rose from the couch. "So go and tell him before he leaves," she said, placing a tiny piece of folded-up paper in his palm. "That’s the address. Go. Now. Before it’s too late."

Nick spontaneously threw his arms around the woman who had supposedly ruined his life. "Thank you! Thank you so much! I owe you my life!"

Kristin laughed and held him for a moment before pushing him away. "No problem, now go! Go get Kevin back!"

Nick rushed out of the room, thinking that that was the best idea he’d heard in a long, long time.

~***~

Nick stared up at the house in front of him, in total awe of the majestic grounds surrounding him. The house itself stood tall and proud against a sweeping hill that overlooked the blue, glass water and waves of the ocean. It could’ve put any Mediterranean mansion to shame. Greek-style pillars that closely resembled Corinthian columns stood holding the entrance to the house, which was completed by a small white walkway leading to the front door. The house itself was an off-white colour that reminded him of white-wash.

Tall, white pillars was formed into a gate that surrounded the entire area of the house, which would open up to a somewhat steep, curved driveway. The sun gleamed its yellow glow down onto it, giving the house an angelic, God-like appearance. The house seemed a few storeys high, maybe three, maybe four with an attic, and with a perfectly manicured grounds, the house seemed immaculate, impeccable, and very much like Kevin.

Nick sighed from where he was standing, still staring up at the house in amazement. He couldn’t believe that this is what Kevin had been doing all that time, and he never knew, and he actually went ahead and accused him of something so horrible, so mean, it seemed like there would never be anyway he could get himself out of the hole he was in.

Just imagining how Kevin must’ve felt, how he must’ve been hurting, when Nick had walked out on him and all he’d been doing was making this beautiful masterpiece, Nick knew that it would’ve practically killed him. Just like it killed Nick. But there was nothing he could do to wipe away what he had said, what he had done, the damage that he had caused, all he could do was try and make amends, try and work things out, try and apologise, and maybe Kevin would believe him and maybe, just maybe, trust him again.

He hoped Kevin would believe him, for if he didn’t...

Suddenly, Kevin appeared before his eyes. Nick watched and held his breath, feeling his heart stop in his chest and knowing that, just like before, nothing had changed - not his heart, not his feelings and certainly not his love. Sheathed in Kevin-like attire, all black, and dark glasses with a bag slung over his shoulder, he quickly locked the door behind him and ran down the steps to his car. Nick stared at him with wide eyes as Kevin stopped in his tracks and looked up at the house.

Nick knew what he was thinking. Nick knew exactly what it was that Kevin was thinking. He was probably thinking that all that work had been a waste of time. A waste. And Nick had never felt more guilty in his life as he watched Kevin lower his head slightly and turn away from the house, slowly walking to his car, as though he were trying to prevent himself leaving as long as could. He then threw his bag in the back and closed the door behind him, and stared back up at the house one last time.

Go. Now. You have to. He’s going to leave, and you might never see him again...

Nick ran up the driveway as quickly as he could, knowing that he had never run faster in his whole entire life. "Kevin!" he yelled as he kept on running. "Kevin, wait! Please! Don’t go!" He watched Kevin freeze in place, but didn’t turn around. He paused to catch his breath, placed his hand on Kevin’s shoulder and then repeated, "Don’t go."

Kevin remained with his back to Nick, lowering his head again, ordering in a soft but low voice, "Don’t touch me."

Nick winced and took his hand off Kevin’s shoulder and took a step back. He deserved that, he knew it. He deserved everything that he got. He knew that. "Kevin, I’m sorry. Please, look at me." When Kevin refused to turn around, he began to do what A.J. suggested. Plead. "Please, Kevin, turn around. Please."

Kevin reluctantly turned around and didn’t bother to take off his dark shades. "What are you doing here? What do you want? I didn’t think we had anything else to say to each other. You made it pretty clear what you thought of me, so why are you here?"

"I was wrong," Nick said, feeling as though he were losing the battle. "I know what you were doing, A.J. told me, and Kristin told me everything and I know that nothing was going on between you."

"But I thought you were so sure that I sleeping with her again," Kevin replied coolly, taking a step away from Nick and sighing. "How could you think that of me? How could you honestly think that I would do that? To you? How could you fucking think that?"

Tears developed in the corners of Nick’s eyes. "I didn’t know what else to think," he explained helplessly.

Kevin removed his shades and Nick saw the reason why he was wearing them. What was normally a beautiful combination of blue and green that reminded him of the dark depths of the ocean was replaced with watery red lines and deep bloodshot that had definitely come from crying. What were usually almond-shaped wide eyes were now small and puffy.

Suddenly, Kevin grabbed his hand. "I want to show you something."

Nick was immediately swept up the steps to the house and inside the front door, with Kevin leading the way. Just like the outside, the interior was pure perfection. Not even an interior designer could’ve done better, and still the feeling of regret washed through Nick like a mammoth tidal wave. The interior had been designed in black, white and chrome. White carpeting, black furniture, chrome entailing, giving it a classy but cool look. The centre of the first floor held a grand staircase that had a slight curve to it, leading up to the second floor. Nick turned his head and could see out to a pool and a jacuzzi that had been situated right on the top of the hill, making it seem as though it was built into the side of the hill, overlooking the water. All in all, the house seemed like a living fantasy.

Nick shook his head in despair. "I’m so sorry," he whispered.

Kevin remained quiet, his eyes downcast, and in response all he did was turn around and head for the stairs, casually looking over his shoulder as though he were giving Nick the directive to follow him. Nick immediately followed Kevin up the stairs, looking around himself to stare at everything that he could see in view. He followed Kevin down the board-walk that had a chrome railing and the ability to see everything underneath him. He saw a rather spacious bathroom on his way through, that had black marble tiles and chrome accessorising. Because he was so overwhelmed with everything around him, he almost smacked right into Kevin, who had stopped at a closed door. Nick didn’t like that his statement was still sad, and his eyes were still hurt.

Kevin took a small breath. "This room is kind of different from the rest of the house," he said softly, refusing to make eye-contact with Nick. He opened the door and allowed it to swing wide open. "You can take a look if you like."

Nick nodded and stepped past Kevin and into the room, and immediately he knew what Kevin had been talking about. Instead of the white-black-chrome coloring, the room had been painted a cool aquamarine, which was his favourite colour and simultaneously sending a dagger through his heart. The color itself wasn’t a ghastly aquamarine, but it had obviously been mixed in with a little white to tone it down slightly, still complemented by black furnishings.

In the centre of the room stood a four-poster bed, similar to the one that Kevin previously still had, and Nick still detected the black silk sheets. Nick chuckled softly to himself and turned his gaze out the full-length windows, watching the rolling waves of the ocean, the view captivating him.

"I thought you’d love the view most of all," Kevin said suddenly, breaking the silence and moving closer to the window to gaze out into the horizon. "I knew you would. You and the ocean just have this connection, I guess."

Nick sighed and turned to Kevin. "I really am sorry," he said softly. "I’m sorry, really. I know you did nothing wrong. I know that I was wrong, and I know I hurt you. Tell me that I’m not too late. Tell me that you still might love me, even just a little bit. Please, tell me that I didn’t hurt you enough for you to stop loving me."

Kevin’s eyes roamed around the room, quickly filling with unshed tears. "I thought...I thought I’d love you forever..."

Nick’s lower lip quivered. "You don’t love me anymore?" he whispered.

A single, lone tear trickled down Kevin’s cheek, and he didn’t even bother to wipe it away. "See that’s the thing," he cried softly. "I do, and I shouldn’t, but I do. I don’t want myself to because you hurt me so much. God, Nick, you hurt me so much. You...you..." His mouth snapped shut, for his voice was too choked up and he couldn’t speak any more.

Nick nodded, stepping closer to Kevin and lightly pressing himself against Kevin. "I know, and I was wrong," he murmured. "I just didn’t know what to think or what to believe." His fingers instinctively curled themselves around Kevin’s dark hair. "Tell me you forgive me. Please. Tell me you do."

Kevin unexpectedly shoved Nick away. "You can’t do that to me, Nick," he warned. "You can’t just expect that to make it better, because it won’t. If I stay here, with you, I have to be able to trust you, which means we have to start all over again and rebuild that trust."

Nick nodded again. "I know, and I’ll do anything."

Kevin stared at Nick for several long moments, just staring at him, his eyes narrowing slightly, his head turning sideward slightly, almost as though he were trying to convince himself of what he thought right then and there, until his arms falteringly opened. "C’mere," he whispered. "I missed you."

Nick fell willingly into Kevin’s embrace and held him tightly, tears running down his face. "I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!" he sobbed softly. "Please forgive me! I’ll never hurt you again, I promise."

Kevin sniffed back his tears and gently patted Nick’s hair. "I hope you don’t prove to me that this was a mistake."

"Never, Kevin, never," Nick said softly, holding him tightly against himself. "I love you."

A small, tiny smile creased Kevin’s face. "Love you more."

~****~