Commitment

© Sweet Kisses™

~*~

July, 2001

What does it mean to be happy? What does it mean to be loved? What is it like to be happy? What is it like to be loved? I guess my answer to these questions can be summed up with one small word, and I'm guessing you can already tell what it is: Kevin. Kevin makes me believe in love, makes me feel loved, loved like no other. Kevin makes me happy, continually makes me happy, and will probably make me happy for the rest of my life, until the day I die.

What is love? I never knew what it was until Kevin showed me what it was, and now I feel like it's my turn to make him happy, to make him feel loved, and continually make him happy for the rest of his life, and after all, that's all I wanted, all I want, for the rest of my life. And if I die with Kevin by my side, I think I'd be one happy man.

So now we have to start all over again, rebuild the trust that was once there but ruined by my suspicion and I'm willing to start again, to try again. I'll do anything he wants me to, as long as it means that we'll never be apart again.

Yeah, I'm one very happy man.

~**~

Nick was happy to find Kevin sleeping beside him, Kevin's body contentedly curled around his own. His head was placed on the area of Kevin's heart, his legs were entwined with Kevin's, and his arms were wrapped tightly around Kevin's waist, and Kevin's were wrapped around his. He was pretty certain that he had fallen asleep in that position the night before and, not surprisingly, he had slept a hell of a lot better the night before than he had when he wasn't sleeping next to Kevin.

It was just weird how his body could just tell when he himself wasn't happy, was without Kevin, and therefore couldn't sleep, couldn't dream, couldn't do anything but cry without Kevin. He had almost convinced himself that that was a bad thing that he was fully dependent on Kevin for everything, but now he knew that having Kevin was nothing short of heaven on Earth, and if he was dependent on Kevin, what did that matter?

He was still his own person, no matter what.

They had done a lot of talking after finally letting out the emotional drain of being apart in the form of tears and sobbing. Nick had told Kevin everything that Kristin had told him and Kevin had listened silently and obligingly, but with unshed tears shining in his eyes. And that pretty much signified something that they both couldn't deny, that nobody could deny: they just couldn't be apart. Plain and simple.

Either they were together, or they'd want to die being separated, and they had both made a solid promise never to be apart again. Nick had never seen Kevin cry as much as he had the night before when he talked about how lonely he had been, how wrongly accused he felt, and how much he felt like dying when Nick had left him. And of course, seeing Kevin's tears made him want to shed a lot of his own, and he did. So they just held each other while they cried together and spoke illogically through their soft sobs.

But what wasn't illogical was how much they needed each other. They needed each other like they needed a heart. If their heart was ripped out, they wouldn't survive and that was how they both felt about being apart from each other. They just couldn't survive without the other, and that wasn't hard to understand. They both gave each other life, a reason to live, a reason to want to be alive, a reason to be happy.

And so they ended up together, giving each other cooed promises of eternal love and trust, until they both felt entirely drained from crying and just somehow melted into each other, like they always had, just holding each other and kissing softly until they both fell asleep.

Nick stared out the full-length window out to the rolling waves of the ocean and felt captivated by the view, in total awe of the glassy blue-green sea and perfect white sand. Kevin just knew him too well, for he knew he'd never get tired of waking up to that, and as he carefully placed his head down onto the position of Kevin's heart once again, he knew he'd never get tired of waking up to Kevin.

The sun shone onto his face, giving him a faint glow, and combined with the peaceful look on his face gave him an almost angelic look, and Nick loved it. Nick loved him. Completely soppy as he knew it was, it was the truth and there was no use denying what was true. He knew now that it would only kill a person trying to deny what their feelings were. He'd tried it once before, and it didn't exactly make him a happy person at the time.

Nick lifted up his head and softly kissed Kevin's forehead before slowly and gently untangling himself from Kevin to begin his explorations of the house. He found that the adjacent bathroom was almost exactly like a Roman-style bathhouse with a cool white interior. He saw a rather large shower, with made him chuckle quietly, and a tub that seemed like it was above the water, giving it an almost floating appeal. He walked down the curved grand staircase and became enthralled with the layout before him.

Everything had been perfectly designed, it was almost like a fairytale. Maybe it was supposed to be like a fantasy when reality got too tough to bear, and he definitely liked that idea. When he walked into the kitchen, he found the sunlight streaming in through the glass doors, the sweeping hill rolling down to a view of the ocean, and Niven, sitting on the counter, watching birds fly by. Nick scooped her up into his arms and she quickly latched onto him while he tickled her behind the ear.

Nick chuckled when she brushed her cheek against his chin. "Hey, you," he said sleepily, staring out at the ocean.

"Hey, beautiful."

Nick felt someone's arms encircling his waist and he immediately let go of Niven and fell back into the embrace, knowing full well who it was. He looked down to find Kevin's hands reaching for his own and entwining them together before pulling them up to rest on his stomach. Nick sighed happily and rested against Kevin while he looked out to the horizon, just content to be where he was at that moment.

He stayed that way for several moments, his heart in a flutter, before Kevin turned him around so they could face each other and Nick's breath caught in his throat. He loved the look that Kevin always had when he had just woken up and this was definitely no exception. Clad in only his boxer shorts, his dark hair tousled in every which way and a sleepy look in his eyes made Nick's heart race.

No matter how many times he saw that look, it always captivated him and when Kevin's lips found his, he melted and he felt his insides become all weak. He wrapped his arms around Kevin's neck and continued the kiss, as though he were trying to make up for lost time, getting completely caught up in the moment, his fingers tangling through Kevin's hair.

Kevin pressed his forehead against Nick's, staring deep into his eyes, breathing somewhat deep. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you," Nick whispered back, utterly overcome with emotion, kissing Kevin once again, this time with a little more force and eagerness, feeling the overwhelming need to show Kevin exactly how deep his love ran. "Kevin..."

Kevin tenderly brushed away a strand of blonde hair that fell into Nick's eyes. "What?"

The look in Nick's eyes turned from love-swept to needy, a helpless, pleading tone creeping into his voice. "I need you," he said in desperation. And suddenly, a whole lot of words flew out of him at once. "I need you, I want you, I love you, please...?"

Kevin's eyes widened and he let out a small chuckle, leaning forward to brush his lips against Nick's lightly. "You're so cute," he said softly, kissing the tip of Nick's nose. "Very cute," he added in a whisper.

Nick whimpered. "Please, Kevin, please..." 

Kevin loosened his grip on Nick and took a few steps away from him, leaning casually against the counter. "See, that's what we've got to talk about," he explained. "Sure, you're here and I'm here, but we don't trust each other, not like we used to. So we've got to work on that, we've got to start from the beginning again, to be able to trust each other again."

Nick scowled. "But I do trust you!"

"Like you said to me, Nick, how do I know that?" Kevin asked. "All I'm saying is that sex won't fix the problem we've got here and the problem is our ability to trust each other, or more importantly, love each other."

Nick pouted and moved closer to Kevin, brushing himself up against Kevin like a languid feline. "But I do love you," he whispered, leaning in and gently kissing at the spot on Kevin's neck where he just knew that Kevin loved attention. "And you know that it's really the only way to prove to someone that you love them. You know that, just like I do, and you know how good it is..."

Kevin stood perfectly still for a few moments, almost won over by Nick's soft kisses and his soft words, but from somewhere, and he didn't know exactly where, he found the strength to push Nick away. "Nick, stop it," he warned. He stared at Nick with a somewhat hardened glare before his eyes softened at the sight of Nick's sad blue eyes.

"Nicky," he said softly, brushing Nick's cheek with his fingertips, "don't be sad. Please. Just because I don't want that now doesn't mean that I don't want you or that I don't love you. It's just as hard for me to say no as it is for you to convince me. All I'm trying to do is make right the wrongs that have happened between us, so they'll never happen again. And like you told me a long time ago, sex isn't everything."

Nick sighed in frustration. "But I'm...I'm..." He felt like punching something. "It's not fair!"

Kevin appeared entertained by this. "I sympathise, I really do."

"It's not fair!" Nick cried. "Okay? You don't know what it's like! You're not at your sexual peak! I am, which means I have absolutely no control over myself or what I want, and whatever my body wants, it has to have it or else I'll go crazy!"

Kevin took a step back and crossed his arms with an amused expression on his face. "Gee, what a profound statement," he remarked dryly, nodding in mock-approval. "I'm impressed."

Nick let out an angry cry and stamped his foot. "Oh, just fuck off!" he yelled and ran out of the room, running up the staircase in a flurry and down the hallway and bursting into the bedroom before hurling himself onto the bed and burying his face in a pillow.

He felt so angry, so hurt, that Kevin would treat him like a little kid or as though he meant nothing. He loved Kevin, he trusted Kevin, so what was wrong with wanting to prove that? If he did that with Kevin, surely Kevin would know that it meant that he trusted and loved Kevin with every little thing that he had inside himself. Surely Kevin had to know that.

And was wanting to love Kevin such a bad thing? He didn't think so, and yet Kevin seemed to have a problem with it. He certainly didn't. So what was going on? Was Kevin saying that because he had fallen out of love with him and was somehow trying to find a way to love him again, only because he had no one else to love, and no one else loved him? Was that it? And if it was, well, Nick wouldn't know what to do then...

Kevin found Nick curled up on the bed, his shoulders heaving, his head lost in a pillow. He gently sat down on the bed and placed his hand on the small of Nick's back. "Nick, stop crying," he said softly, gingerly removing the pillow from underneath him. "Come on, Nicky, sit up and talk to me."

Slowly, Nick sat up with tear stained cheeks and red eyes, sniffing dramatically and sobbing quietly. "D-d-don't you l-l-love me? Is that it? You don't love me?"

Kevin pulled Nick against his chest and wiped away the tears that rolled down his cheeks. "Shh, Nicky, stop crying," he cooed, brushing away more tears that rolled down his face. Instinctively, he pressed his lips down on Nick's to stop his sobbing and he felt Nick instantly collapse against him, a feeling that he had never gotten used to and loved. "Now will you stop crying and talk to me?"

Nick sniffed loudly. "I love you, Kevin, and is it so wrong to want to show you that?"

Kevin shook his head. "Not at all," he said. "I love you too, Nick, and you know that. I'm just saying that it would help fix whatever problems we had and make our relationship more solid."

Nick still remained unconvinced. "Right. I fail to see how that works."

"Think of it this way. You remember in the beginning, before we started sleeping together, how much fun it was just teasing each other? How much we looked forward to every moment with each other because we didn't know each other as well as we do now? And you remember how special it was when we eventually did sleep together? What couple has the opportunity to experience that all over again? Well, we could, Nicky. We could." A small, tiny smirk played on Kevin's face. "And who knows? Maybe you might even shed more than just a few tears this time."

Nick pouted and gave Kevin a tiny shove. "You're teasing me."

Kevin chuckled and kissed Nick softly. "But you love it," he whispered, kissing Nick again, only with a bit more depth. "So, what do you think?"

Nick shrugged. "I really have no say in this, do I?"

Kevin shook his head. "Absolutely none," he murmured and stroked Nick's cheek fondly. "I really did miss you, Nick."

Nick's eyes fluttered closed in a dreamy sort of way, his face reacting to Kevin's touch. "I know, and I missed you," he said softly, taking Kevin's hand away and kissing each one of his fingers tenderly, taking his time with each tip. "I love you."

Kevin bit down on his lower lip, trying to ignore the need to pounce on Nick and ravage him right then and there. "I love you, too," he replied huskily. "So much..."

Nick raised his eyebrows suggestively and kept his eyes fully focused on Kevin's as he carefully kissed over the tip of Kevin's index finger. "And you really don't want to love me right now?"

A tiny, almost high-pitched whimper escaped through Kevin's lips and when he realised what he had done, he scowled at Nick's soft chuckle. "Please, Nick," he begged breathlessly. "Please don't do this to me."

Nick shrugged and placed Kevin's hand down on his lap. "Fine. I guess I'll have to wait."

Almost immediately, Kevin pounced on Nick, sending Nick sailing down onto his back, and Kevin stared into his wide blue eyes. "But you know," he said seriously, running his hands down Nick's chest and taking hold of the band of his boxer shorts, slipping his thumb just underneath to touch Nick's stomach. "That doesn't mean we can't do other things..."

Nick's eyes widened even further when he realised what Kevin meant and the look that was lurking within Kevin's eyes. "You mean..."

Kevin nodded. "You know exactly what I mean, Nicky."

Nick's lower lip trembled. "Oh, Jesus..."

"Shhh," Kevin purred, lightly kissing at Nick's lips, and then he just stared for several moments into Nick's blue eyes, loving the beautiful colour of them and how he could just get lost within them. "Nick, tell me that it'll never happen again. Tell me you'll never hurt me again. Please, tell me now."

"I promise," Nick said quickly, weaving his fingers through Kevin's hair. "I promise to God that I'll never put you through that again."

Kevin smiled softly. "Good." Then a smirk played at his lips and his eyes slowly wandered down Nick's body, making him squirm, until he reached Nick's boxer shorts. "Now, how about a little fun..."

~***~