Commitment

© Sweet Kisses™

 ~*~

 August, 2001

I’m happy, yes, and that’s because I’m where I belong. But what if I feel that I’m trying too hard to make everything nice and happy and for everything to run smoothly? What if I’m trying too hard because I don’t want to cause another crack in the shiny veneer of our relationship? Is it possible to be too much in love with someone? I always thought I was too much in love with Kevin, and I made myself believe that it wasn’t a bad thing, and now that he’s put this stupid chastity vow on us both, maybe everything’s getting worse. I don’t know. And I don’t know why he’s doing this.

He says that it’s because we need to trust each other again. But if he knew what and how I felt about him, he’d know that if he allowed all that to happen, he’d know that I trusted him and loved him. Isn’t that the final way you prove to someone that you love and trust them, not only with your heart and soul, but also with your body?

Help.

I’m confused, and I don’t understand...

 ~**~

“Have you ever been called a faggot?”

Kevin turned his head to stare at Nick, frowning at the expression on his face. It was like a mixture of childish innocence, sadness and sorrow, and he had to admit, though he didn’t like to see Nick sad, it was very appealing and downright irresistible. He shook his head and shifted his eyes away, trying to ignore the feeling that was growing in the pit of his stomach and the accelerated beating of his heart. He thought himself as a massive contradiction or either just the same as Nick.

He wanted Nick, just like Nick wanted Kevin. Maybe even more, when he thought about it. He wanted from Nick exactly what Nick wanted from him. Nick of course didn’t know and as long as Kevin had anything to do with it, he’d never know, for he always wanted to keep the “I’m Mr Cool and Calm” persona about him and he was determined to keep that firmly intact. But he wanted Nick, just as much as Nick wanted him – he couldn’t deny that. Sometimes it got so bad, he just had to throw himself into freezing cold water – usually the pool.

Of course, Nick was heavily under the impression that it was all a one-sided need and desire in this whole thing, but little did he know that it never took much for Kevin to fall under his spell.

The time when his need for Nick had hit him the hardest, Nick happened to be in the shower and Kevin just happened to have caught him in there. At the time, he could hear Nick’s voice wafting down the stairs, obviously belting out one of his favorite songs, Kevin didn’t really remember or take much notice of it. So in an attempt to find out exactly what he was doing, Kevin walked up the stairs and down the hallway to find a trail of Nick’s clothing thrown on the floor.

Knowing that it was a usual act for Nick and not wanting to make a real issue of it, he silently picked them up and continued to walk, walking closer and closer to the sound of Nick’s voice. When he realized that it was coming from inside the adjacent bathroom to their bedroom, he realized what Nick was doing and what he’d be confronted with, if he decided to take a step inside.

Kevin decided he would, thinking that he could handle just a little look, so he did. But he didn’t count on the fact that right at the time Kevin’s eyes fell on Nick in the shower that Nick just happened to be running soap over his body and almost instantly, Nick’s clothes fell out of Kevin’s grasp and his mouth fell open in surprise. No matter how many times he had seen Nick do that, it always seemed to become a nicer sight than the last time...

So in order to give himself some sort of relief, he thought throwing himself into the pool was a good decision and as soon as he had hit the water, he knew it had been. The water was cool and seemed to run right through his whole body, over his body, like a clear blanket. Of course, Nick had wondered exactly what Kevin was doing in the pool after midnight, but he knew Kevin and he didn’t think much of it.

He didn’t ever think that the reason behind it was because of him, and Kevin had never told him or given him any sort of hint if he did want him, which never even made Nick think of that possibility, so Nick let it pass. Certainly Nick wondered why Kevin didn’t seem to want him at all, when he certainly wanted Kevin and he knew that Kevin could tell that, too, but Kevin never seemed to make a move, and each time he didn’t, it seemed to break just a little more of his heart.

And of course, Kevin never knew that either.

But what Nick didn’t know was that it broke just a little of Kevin’s heart, too, but he was determined to make their relationship work out - for the long haul.

The frown remained on Kevin’s face. “What?”

“Have you ever been called a faggot,” Nick repeated, this time making it sound more like a statement rather than a question. “So, have you?”

Kevin shook his head. “No, have you?”

Nick looked away, wondering if it was the right time to tell Kevin about what Brian had said to him and all his horrible words. He knew that Kevin would be deeply hurt once he had found out, for Kevin was still under the impression that, even though they were having difficulty with all this, they genuinely accepted what had happened between them.

He wondered how Kevin would react and whether or not he would cry like Nick had. And how would Nick comfort him if he did? With a comforting hug and “Don’t worry, we can be faggots together if that’s what this makes us?” He didn’t really know.

“Yes,” he whispered.

Kevin’s eyes widened. “You have?”

Nick squirmed on the couch they were both sitting on, moving away from Kevin just a fraction. He couldn’t meet Kevin’s questioning and penetrating eyes. Suddenly, he felt like a small boy and he wanted to cry, thinking of how much Brian’s words had hurt him. He thought that having Kevin with him meant that he could conquer anything. Bigotry, hypocrisy, homophobia, everything. But just like everything that he had found out about since being with Kevin, not everything went as he expected or wanted. He took a small breath.

“Brian...”

Kevin instantly sat up straighter and his eyes narrowed slightly. “What about Brian?” he asked slowly. “I mean, I know I haven’t talked to him in a while, but I didn’t...didn’t think...”

Nick fidgeted with his hands, weaving and unweaving his fingers from his nervousness. And then he had an idea. Brian had hurt him so much and surely he’d realize that he would tell Kevin, eventually, and if he wanted Kevin to trust him again, he had to start telling the truth.

“Brian called me a faggot. Whenever I’ve tried to talk to him, he says he’s too busy. I asked him whether or not it had something to do with me and you, and he admitted it did. He said...” A tiny whimper left his throat. “He said...he said that you and me, together, was disgusting and nauseating and that we weren’t meant to be together because we’ve been best friends, not...not...not...”

Kevin’s eyes were wide as he stared at Nick in silence, his hand over his mouth in horror, still staring at Nick, and Nick staring at him, obviously awaiting his response. Kevin quickly leaned over and kissed Nick's forehead. “I love you,” he gushed and jumped off the couch.

Nick, still seated on the couch, watched Kevin pace the floor in front of him, a black cordless phone nestled in the crook of his neck. He continued to weave and unweave his fingers together, butterflies swimming in his stomach, his eyes heavily intent on Kevin. He held his breath while he listened to Kevin talking.

“Brian, before you say it, you’re not too busy to talk to me. No, you’re not, and you remember that we’ve always made time for each other...yeah, Brian, I know how it is, I was married once too, right? You can’t fool me with that line. So what? I still know what it’s like. Brian, just shut up and listen to me for a minute and answer me straight. Did you or did you not call Nick a faggot? And tell me the truth...yes, I know...I know it’s not easy for you...would you fucking calm down?...Don’t you even try that line on me, Brian...Brian, listen to me! You’re the hypocrite in all of this, not me! You were the one that told me that the Bible contradicts itself so many times it’s not funny...what has my father got to do with this? He wanted me to be happy, and I am happy. Bullshit, Brian, stop lying to me. Nick told me everything...he’s not...I’m not...we’re not...Brian, listen to me...Brian...”

Nick watched in sadness at Kevin placing the phone down slowly, obviously in some state of shock and when he finally looked Nick’s way, Nick saw the tears shinning within his eyes. “You don’t have to tell me,” he said brokenly. “He said something along the lines of you wouldn’t know what it’s like to be married, even though you were married once but it didn’t work out, you’re both disgusting and how could you do this against your father who wanted you to have a nice family and how could you do this against God, the creator of everything and I don’t want to see you or talk to you because it’s completely sickening thinking about the two of you together...”

Kevin sat down next to Nick once again, staring down at the floor. “How did you guess?” he whispered.

Nick lowered his head. “He said the exact same thing to me.”

Suddenly, Kevin snapped out of his shock and sat up straighter, taking Nick’s hands in his. “He’s a bigot, tying himself to religious preaching's. Don’t worry. We’ll survive.”

Nick raised his eyebrows questioningly. “You’re a religious person, Kevin, so does that make you a bigot, too?”

Kevin shook his head. “No. I’m religious, I believe that there’s a greater being, but I don’t let it rule my life like some do. I don’t live my life by the book.” He quickly drew Nick against his chest and wrapped his arms around Nick’s waist. “Don’t worry, okay? He’ll understand, he just needs a little more time.”

Nick buried his head in the crook of Kevin’s neck and felt tears developing in his eyes. “I don’t want him to hate me,” he whispered and wrapped his arms around Kevin’s neck. “But I love you. And that means more to me than anything.”

Kevin sighed happily, tightening his grip on Nick, knowing that was exactly what he needed to hear to feel better. “Good,” he murmured, breathing in Nick’s scent. “I love you, too.”

Nick lifted his head out of Kevin’s neck and stared into his eyes. “I really do love you, Kevin.”

Kevin smiled softly and kissed the tip of Nick’s nose. “I know.” 

Nick began to plead with him with his beguiling blue eyes and ran his fingertips down Kevin’s cheek. “So...”

Kevin’s expression immediately changed from fond to slightly annoyed and shoved Nick away. “Is that all you want from me? Is that all I’m good for, huh?”

Nick didn’t exactly understand the sudden change in his mood. So he wanted Kevin to show him, and him to show Kevin, how much they loved each other. Was that such a bad thing? He didn’t think so, so he really didn’t understand why Kevin was getting all hysterical all of a sudden. “I’m sorry, have I missed something?”

Kevin narrowed his eyes once again and spoke to him in a relatively controlled but low voice. “You saying that makes me think that you only want me for one thing and one thing only. Do you know how that makes me feel? Are you only with me to suit your sexual needs? Are you only here because of that?” He sighed. “I thought you understood what we talked about. We have to work on everything between us and most importantly how much we trust each other, and if I did that with you that would mean that I trusted you...”

Nick’s eyes widened in realization. “You don’t trust me,” he whispered.

“I do,” Kevin clarified quickly, “but only to an extent, which is why we have to work on that, to make it like it was before.”

Nick frowned. “Excuse me, but correct me if I’m wrong here and I probably am since you always say I am, weren’t you the one who said it couldn’t be like before?” He paused for a moment, exhaling and hoping that his anger came out with it. “Once you get your story straight, why don’t you let me know?”

“Have you told your family about us?” Kevin asked suddenly.

Nick sat perfectly still on the couch, staring at Kevin with wide eyes, until finally he lowered his head once more. “No,” he whispered.

Kevin’s expression remained impassive, his tone of voice emotion-free. “Well, I have,” he said.

Nick looked up. “And...?”

“They didn’t scream and cry, nor did they think it was the best thing around,“ Kevin explained, “but the point is that they know. So why don’t your parents know, Nick? Tell me that. Why are you stopping yourself from fully committing to this? I have, so why can’t you?”

Nick sighed in frustration, aggressive tears welling in his eyes. “I’m trying!” he cried. “I really am! I really am trying in this, Kevin! I’m trying to do everything you want me to, but it’s so difficult for me! It’s easier for you because you’ve done all this type of thing before, I haven’t! I’ve never been in a serious relationship like this! I don’t know what the right thing to do at the right time like you do! I don’t know what to do like you do! I’m sorry that I haven’t told them, but I will! I promise!”

 “When, Nick?” Kevin asked, crossing his arms. “When?”

 “Soon,” Nick vowed. “I promise.”

Just as always, the childish innocence on his face and the sad expression there was enough for Kevin to lay down against the couch and pull a surprised Nick along with him, both making themselves comfortable until Nick had himself entwined with Kevin and Kevin had himself entwined with Nick, as usual and always.

Kevin fondly toyed with Nick’s soft blonde hair. “I’m sorry I’m making this difficult for you, if you think I am,” he said softly. “I don’t mean to, I just really want this to work out.”

Nick snuggled closer into Kevin, if that was ever possible from the way he was already tangled around him, and placed his head down on Kevin’s chest. “I know, and I’m trying. I really am.”

“I love you, Nick,” Kevin whispered.

Nick sighed happily, but deep in his heart he knew that everything wasn’t all happy and most likely never would be.

 ~***~

A.J. sat comfortably in a chair by the pool, watching Kevin and Nick being completely unlike the Kevin and Nick that he knew and acting all silly and...well...the way he would act with his own girlfriend. It was weird. He knew that. He knew that it would be one thing to say that he was okay with them being together and another completely different thing to accept them being together when he saw them together.

He thought that he was doing the right thing by supporting them and he was doing the right thing, but he knew that it was very hard trying to overcome the embarrassment he felt seeing them sitting together, talking to each other in voices he never even knew they had, and even having the nerve to kiss occasionally. So he understood that that’s what couples did and since Nick and Kevin were a couple, he had no problem with that, but he would rather have them not do that in front of him.

But, even though he winced occasionally and tried to hide it whenever they did kiss, he knew that they were better off together than apart. He’d seen them apart and nobody, not even them, deserved that.

 “So...umm...” A.J. fidgeted in his chair. “I guess you two are happy again.”

Kevin smiled lightly and kissed the tip of Nick’s nose. “Very happy.”

Nick let out a small giggle, which surprised A.J. “Uh-huh.”

A.J. subtlely looked away again. God, are they always like this?

He hoped not, because then he’d want to avoid seeing them at any given chance and since Brian and Howie hadn’t really jumped at the chance of seeing them, it was up to him to keep his part of the friendship deal. His eyes roamed the surveyed grounds and immediately liked what he saw. The house was beautiful, on a beautiful landscape and obviously it made them both happy.

His eyes moved back onto Nick and Kevin again and his mouth almost fell open when he saw that now Nick was sitting in Kevin’s lap, absently playing with Kevin’s fingers and staring out at the rolling waves of the ocean, Kevin just as absently looking down at their entwined hands. He tried to hide it, he tried his best, but from somewhere a small pang of nausea passed through his stomach, something that he didn’t think would ever happen.

He thought he’d be all right with the two of them together, but since he had never actually seen them together, like that, as a couple, maybe he was wrong.

“The house looks good,” A.J. commented, nodding. “You did a good job.”

 Kevin raised his eyebrows, but his eyes were completely focused on Nick. “You think so?”

 “Sure I do,” A.J. replied. “You should feel good about that, Nick, knowing that Kevin did this for you.”

Kevin chuckled softly. “Of course he does,” he said, taking his hands away from Nick’s and turning Nick’s head to face his and kissed him softly. “He’s my baby.”

Oh, God, here they go again. I think I’m going to be sick, A.J. thought and casually looked away again. He tried to avoid that nauseous feeling in his stomach again while Kevin and Nick seemed to be hell-bent on being love sick with each other, something that he thought he’d be prepared for, but something that he really wasn’t in reality.

The idea of them together seemed all right in words and so far, he’d only seen them acting like that on a few occasions and even then, they hadn’t been as bad as they were in front of him right then. When he turned back to them once again, he saw that now they were both laying together on the poolside lounge, almost every single part of them seeming to touch, but hopelessly content where they were.

He had to admit when he stared at the way Nick’s eyes fluttered shut and the peaceful expression on his face, laying against Kevin, he knew that Nick had never looked so happy in his life. Neither had Kevin, for that matter, who was fondly playing with Nick’s hair.

 “Are you happy?” A.J. asked Kevin softly.

 Kevin nodded, his eyes twinkling with happiness. “Very.”

 A.J. motioned toward the door. “Should I leave or...?”

 Kevin shrugged, still continuing to toy with Nick’s hair. “You can stay if you like.”

 A.J. nodded and looked down at Nick. “He looks like a little baby.” He paused, staring more intently at him. “Is he asleep?” he added in amazement.

Kevin stopped toying with Nick’s hair and looked down on him, waiting to feel if Nick would respond from Kevin no longer running his fingers through his hair. “I think he is. He’s had a rough day,” he said softly.

 “Oh?” A.J. questioned. “Why is that?”

Kevin sighed and shook his head. “I talked to Brian today. Turns out that he lied. Turns out that he’s also homophobic and that he thought it would be a real nice thing calling Nick a few colorful words.”

“Faggot?” A.J. supplied.

Kevin nodded. “He said some pretty awful things and it was a good thing he didn’t say it to my face or else I would’ve decked him.” He shook his head in disbelief, beginning to play with Nick’s hair again. “Bastard.”

A.J. felt a small twinge of sympathy for them both, staring at them both, wondering how it was that they could put up with everything that they had gone through and a lot more that they would go through in the future and still be so adamant on being together and loving each other.

His eyes fell on Nick again. “He looks like a little baby,” he repeated.

Kevin smiled. “That’s what I love about him, you know? He makes me into so many different things. Sometimes I’m like his protector, sometimes I’m like his guardian, sometimes I’m like his advisor, sometimes I’m like his confidant, and all the rest of the time...”

 A.J. nodded again. “I understand. He makes you feel needed, right?”

“You have no idea how that feels, being needed so much like that,” Kevin said. “It’s the best feeling in the world. And I love it. It’s something that I’ve never had with anyone, least of all Kristin. But I love it, and I love him.”

 A tiny frown creased A.J.’s forehead. “So...umm...I wanted to ask you...well...”

 Kevin’s eyes were inquisitive. “What? What did you want to ask me?”

 A.J. shook his head sheepishly. “This is going to sound completely ridiculous and you don’t have to answer it or anything but...what’s it like with Nick? Do the two of you act like a normal couple? Do you go to bed at the same time, say to each other ‘good night honey’ and kiss before turning out the light? And I mean...what do you find in Nick that you didn’t in Kristin, or any other woman for that matter? Is it really that much better for you with another man than another woman?”

 A tired, fatigued expression briefly crossed Kevin’s face. “God, A.J., I’m sick of having to explain and justify my reasons for loving another man as opposed to another woman. Nick loves me, I love him, and we’re like any other couple in the world, just like you and Sarah, like Brian and Leighanne. Because I love him as much as I do, everything is a hell of a lot better with him than anyone else. Okay?”

 A.J. sat back in his chair, making himself comfortable again, thinking that if the two of them together made them happy, then it just had to be a good thing.

 Didn’t it?

 ~****~