Commitment

 © Sweet Kisses™

~*~

August, 2001

You know what? I don’t think I understand anything.

I don’t understand why I can’t do whatever I want with Kevin. I don’t understand why he thinks he doesn’t trust me. I don’t understand why A.J. seemed to look like he was going to vomit when he was over here the other day. I don’t understand why Brian hates me, or hates us. I don’t understand why Howie is ignoring the both of us.

Do we have the plague? No. Do we actually intentionally act a certain way to make them uncomfortable? No. Do we actually kiss in front of them? No, and we wouldn’t even if they did bother to see us once in a while. And do we totally get it on in front of them? No.

And now I have to confess everything to two of the most important people in my life. And I don’t think I’m ready to do that. I mean, I lied to them already. They don’t know exactly where I am or what I’ve been doing, but they do know that I sold my house and they do know that Kevin’s divorced. Do you think they’ve already put two and two together?

I did tell them a while ago that I was staying with Kevin while I found something a little more permanent – either that or because he was lonely and was having a tough time dealing with everything alone after his divorce. And since Brian’s married, Howie’s wherever doing whatever and A.J.’s got Sarah, I suppose that made me the person to comfort him.

Do you think they know already?

~**~

Nick snuggled closer against Kevin and draped his arm across Kevin’s stomach and stared at the raindrops covering the glass of the windows and sighed softly but happily. As soon as he had opened his eyes, he was greeted with a cool wind and rain clouds outside, making the ocean a torrid, angry gray mess. He loved days like that though. It meant that it was just one of those days where nobody bothered to do anything, nobody wanted to do anything, or would even bother getting out of bed - which the both of them hadn’t.

Nick had managed to convince Kevin to stay right where he was, since Kevin had objected, and just share one of those rare and innocent moments together, where they would just lay in compatible silence and just listen to each other breathing and watch the view before them.

And so there they were, both laying between the sheets with the blanket pulled over them, Nick curled into Kevin’s side with his hand placed on Kevin’s stomach so he could absently tickle him with the tips of his fingers from time to time and Kevin slowly and tenderly running his fingers through Nick’s hair.

It was indeed one of the sweetest moments they had shared and they didn’t have many, but after everything that had happened between them so far, they both just wanted to hold each other close, to make sure that they both felt the same thing, to make sure that nothing between them had changed, no matter what people did or said to object to them being together. They both felt in heaven, and when something as normal as laying close together made them feel in some sort of blissful paradise, then they both believed that surely it couldn’t be wrong.

Nick raised his head and looked into Kevin’s eyes. “You look thoughtful,” he observed softly. “What’s wrong?”

Kevin smiled fondly down at Nick and kissed his forehead. “Nothing. You worry too much.”

Nick rolled his eyes. “You can’t fool me, Kevin. I can tell when something’s bothering you. So what is it? What’s wrong?”

Kevin sighed and his eyes redirecting themselves away from Nick back to the view of the rough sea. He couldn’t help but notice how the sea reflected the feelings inside himself. Sometimes he felt angry. Sometimes he felt so many emotions that twisted and twisted around each other that he just didn’t know which one was the right feeling to enact upon. Sometimes it was all just too confusing for him.

“Don’t you ever wonder why people act the way they do? Why some people accept certain things, and some don’t?”

Nick shifted his position until he was laying between Kevin’s legs, his chest pressed against Kevin’s, his fingertips running down the side of his face. “Perfect,” he said suddenly in a soft, sweet voice.

Kevin sighed again, this time with a hint of frustration and took Nick’s hand away. “Nick, please, be serious for a moment, huh?”

Nick chuckled. “I am serious. You’re perfect. So kill me for thinking a serious thought.”

“Don’t you wonder why A.J.’s the only one who’ll actually take the time to see us, want to see us, want to know what we’re doing and not hurl abuse at us?” Kevin asked, trying hard to ignore the fact that Nick was purposely pushing himself further against him, that Nick was ignoring everything that he was saying and instead, his concentration was on drawing invisible patterns with his fingers on Kevin’s stomach, quietly humming as he did.

“Nick?”

Nick didn’t bother to lift his head or meet Kevin’s eyes with his own. “Uh-huh, yeah, I agree,” he said carelessly and traced a circle around Kevin’s navel, the tip of his index finger dipping inside. “Have I ever told you that you’ve got really soft skin?”

Kevin bit down on his lower lip. “Nick, what’re you trying to do?”

Nick’s blue eyes danced with excitement and anticipation. “Well...” he drawled, swirling his fingertip around Kevin’s navel again. “Since you don’t want to sleep with me, I thought that I’d just...” His eyes met Kevin’s and he stared with his most seductive look. “Seduce you.”

Kevin’s eyes widened slightly and his mouth fell just a tiny bit open until a small laugh escaped his throat and an amused expression crossed his face. “Nicky,” he began softly, taking Nick’s hand and entwining it with his, “I bet you wouldn’t even have a clue about how to seduce someone. You wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

Nick suggestively raised his eyebrows. “Let me find out if I can, huh?”  He then pushed himself down further onto Kevin, watching intently at the way Kevin’s eyes fluttered shut. He suppressed a laugh and leaned down to Kevin’s ear. “Why don’t you let me try, Kevy?” he purred in his most husky voice. “Come on, I know you want me to...”

It was indeed hard for Kevin to fight off everything that he was feeling at that precise moment and he knew that Nick wouldn’t stop what he was doing until he got what he wanted. Sometimes he was really that stubborn. But he just had to not feel what he was feeling. He just couldn’t feel that...well...feeling that was growing in the pit of his stomach.

He just couldn’t feel that...thing that...well...he always felt whenever Nick acted like this. And he just couldn’t want what Nick talked of, for it was always him that made the moves, and he just couldn’t be just that curious and well...just excited from what Nick had said. He wanted to know how Nick would do that, he wanted to know what Nick would do to seduce him, he wanted to know it all and he wanted to experience the pleasure of someone flattering him for a change.

Even though he took great pride in being the flatterer, he always wanted someone to return the favor and now that Nick had offered...well...could anyone blame him? Could he just forget everything that he had said and the trust that he was trying to find in Nick?

And from somewhere, Kevin found the strength to shove Nick away and pulled himself out of bed. He stared down at Nick, who looked especially confused, with a hardened glare. “Let me ask you this again, and tell me the truth. This sounds really stupid but...” He paused and shook his head. “What are you here with me for? Really and truly here for? You’ve made no attempt to solidify this relationship and all you seem to want from me is sex, so why are you here, Nick? Have you got nowhere else to go, huh?”

Nick rolled his eyes. “Oh, here we go again. Kevin the broken record.”

“Fucking take this seriously Nick or you can leave right now!” Kevin yelled and watched with satisfaction when Nick sat up straighter and his eyes widened. “I thought because you don’t take things all that seriously, it would be good for me because I do take a lot of things seriously, so I thought that you could help lighten things up. But just once, just for once in your life, can you just take this seriously? Take our relationship seriously? Take me seriously?”

Nick sighed again and stood up, opening his arms. “That’s me, Kevin. I never take anything seriously, do I? I don’t care about anything, do I? I don’t love anything, do I? Oh no, I don’t love anything. I only love you. I only worship the ground you walk on. I’ve only admired you since I was thirteen years old. I’ve only wanted to be like you. I only cried over you because I knew I couldn’t have you. My heart only broke when you told me you were getting married. I only cried for hours the day you told me you had fallen in love with me. I only cried the first time we slept together. And I only want to show you how much I love you. I’m only killing myself here trying to do everything you ask me to. I’m only dying trying to be what you want me to be. And I only left behind my whole life to have you. But no, Kevin, I feel nothing. I take nothing seriously. Absolutely fucking nothing.”

Nick’s show of emotion clearly did nothing to sway Kevin, his eyes only narrowed into a glare. “What have you told your parents, Nick? Don’t they wonder what you’ve done? Why you sold your house, what you’re doing, whether or not you’re dating? What do they know, Nick? What have you told them? Did you tell them that you’re dating another man? Or me? Have you told them that you’re living with another man? Have you told them that you go to bed with another man? What, are you ashamed of this? Are you ashamed of telling them who I really am to you? Have you told them you’ve been sleeping with me since, oh, April? Have you?”

Nick shook his head. “I’m not ashamed,” he whispered.

“No?” Kevin yelled. “Then why haven’t you told them? I have. I told my family. I told my family everything that has happened between us and suffice to say, I’ve officially made them uncomfortable around me for the rest of my life. But I don’t have that guilt on my conscience anymore. I told them, because I want us to be real. But you sure as hell don’t. So let me ask you this again: why don’t you take this seriously?”

“You want me to take this seriously?” Nick yelled back. “Fine, I’ll fucking take this seriously!”

With that, Nick dived for the phone and pressed the numbers with shaking fingers, the phone itself shaking in his grasp. His eyes bored into Kevin’s, almost as though he were staring through Kevin’s entire body. He noticed the confused expression on Kevin’s face but did nothing to explain. But then he saw realization cross his face and Kevin stepped just a little closer to him while he stood next to the bed. Nick cleared his throat the moment he heard his mother’s voice.

“Hey! Yeah, yeah, I know and I’m really sorry. Oh, no reason in particular...well, actually, there was something...umm...what if...what if I told you...well...I mean, what if...I’m sorry, I...umm...” He let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, I’ll stop stuttering now.”

He took a small breath and Kevin instantly wrapped his arms around Nick’s waist and buried his head in Nick’s neck. “What if I told you that...that...umm...I’ve been living with...umm...Kevin?...Uh, no there’s more...what if told you that we’ve been together since February and...well...we’ve been together ever since? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please, just, don’t hate me...”

“Don’t be sorry,” Kevin whispered.

Nick’s eyes widened. “How? How did you...oh, I see...well, yeah...so what do you think?...I know...I know...I know it’s difficult to understand but if you just...yes, he’s here...oh, you do?” He lowered the phone and placed it in the palm of Kevin’s hand. “She wants to talk to you.”

Kevin took a deep breath and cleared his throat. “Look, before you saying anything, I just want you to know that...yes, I do...yes, I do...” Kevin closed his eyes and winced, holding his free hand up against his forehead. “Yes, we have...I know, and I do...I won’t, I promise...I know that it’s difficult for you but please try and understand and I’ll talk to the rest of his family if it...oh, okay, sure...thank you, thank you so much...”

He handed the phone back to Nick. “She wants to tell you something.”

Nick nodded and took the phone in his palm. “So do you hate me?...I know you didn’t but I just thought that...” Tears welled in his eyes. “Thank you, thank you so much...I love you, too. Bye.”  He slowly lowered the phone until his arm was just hanging down by the side of him, as though he were numb. “I did it,” he whispered. “I told them.”

Kevin instantly took Nick in his arms and as soon as Nick’s head touched his shoulder, Kevin felt him crying and so he comfortingly caressed the small of his back and purred soft, soothing words into Nick’s ear. “Baby, shh, no more tears. Shh, baby, shh...” he crooned.

While Nick sobbed, Kevin simply held him in his arms and waited until Nick’s crying subsided. And while he did, Kevin felt a small portion of his trust for Nick returning.

~***~

Nick and Kevin stood in front of the house that they knew so well and stood so majestically before them. It was definitely a house they knew well. They had been inside that house so many times, but not so much lately since they had started their relationship. The house? Brian’s house. They had both decided that it was time to confront him and get a few explanations and since their relationship was pretty much out in the open with those who loved them, they decided that it was time to get everything out in the open, to really listen to how Brian really felt and after all, they deserved some answers for the way that Brian had been treating them both, silence and harsh words and all.

But of course, they were both nervous. They were both scared that this would lead to the end of them, though neither of them had said as much. They were both feeling that if Brian actually had the nerve to not listen to what they had to say and even have the audacity to throw them out and vow never to accept them or talk to them again for as long as they lived, or for as long as they continued to be together, it would indeed be the end of them as they knew it. If they didn’t have their friends who did they have besides each other?

And if love didn’t conquer all, which they knew all too well that it didn’t, would it just be the two of them against the world?

They didn’t know, but they didn’t want it that way.

Kevin took Nick’s hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. “It’s okay, we’ll be all right. Whatever he says, whatever he does, just remember that I love you.”

Nick breathed a tiny, shaky sigh and nodded. “Okay.”

They both walked up the driveway together, neither of them saying or uttering a single word or syllable. The sun was shining and the sky was a cloudless blue, but on the inside, neither of them felt that happy or cheerful. What could be up ahead for them was the end, or the beginning. And it would all come down to the words of just one person, and that one person only, but they’d do their best to win him over and see that them together wasn’t a bad thing, but a good thing. And after all, it wasn’t as though Nick and Kevin would totally start making-out in front of Brian.

Unless, of course, Brian wanted to them to, which they didn’t think he would but they’d oblige, nonetheless...

They waited at the door while the doorbell chimed its somewhat saintly and biblical tune, something they both expected from Brian. And it was Leighanne, his wife, who opened the door and greeted them. “Hey!” she exclaimed, giving each of them a warm hug. “I haven’t seen you two in so long!” She gave them a mock-stern look. “Are you ignoring us now?”

More like the other way around, Kevin thought dryly, but smiled anyhow. “Yeah, well, you know, it’s the lifestyle. So hectic.”

Leighanne rolled her eyes. “Don’t I know it! With Brian it’s always either sudden flights to who-knows-where, burying himself in his office or his cell constantly ringing at all hours of the day or night. I tell you...” She made wringing motions with her hands.

Nick laughed. “We thought you’d grown to love all that!”

“Yeah, right,” Leighanne replied sarcastically. “Come on in. I think Brian’s buried around here somewhere...”

 Nick and Kevin were led through the spacious white and beige house, through the living room that was immaculate and looked like an interior designers dream, giving it a look that seemed as though not even a fly had lived in there, down a long hallway to a room that was built just off the main roof of the house. They all stopped before a door.

“He’s in here, conducting business. Or so he says.” She rolled her eyes again, much to the chuckling of both Nick and Kevin. “You guys want anything to drink?” After they both declined, she gave them both a warm hug once again. “Nice to see you again. Next time, make sure the visits aren’t so few between.”

Kevin watched her disappear down the hallway. “If only she knew...”

Nick didn’t reply to Kevin’s rather somber expression and took a small breath before opening the door and walking in, finding Brian sitting on a lounge, with papers in his hands, talking candidly on his cell. As soon as he saw the door open, he looked up and smiled, assuming it was his wife, but when he saw that his guests were in fact not his wife, but Nick and Kevin, the smile died.

“Uhhh...I’ll have to call you back.” He placed everything that he was holding down in front of him and stood up. “What are you two doing here?”

Kevin smiled. “We thought we’d come to see our friend. And after all, it’s been a long time.”

“Too long,” Nick added, also smiling and nodded in agreement.

Brian sat down behind his desk and leaned back in his chair. “I have nothing to say to you,” he said coldly. “Everything that I’ve wanted to say, I’ve said. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m very busy...”

Kevin sat down on the lounge that Brian had been previously sitting on and pulled Nick down with him. “Yeah, faggot. You’ve said that enough.”

Brian sighed exasperatingly. “Does this have a point? Because if it does, make it already and leave!”

“You can’t treat us like that!” Nick cried. “We’re your friends! You’re supposed to love us!”

Brian remained impassive, incredibly cool and detached. “I might have been your friend and I might have loved you before you two found yourselves in bed together. And just for the record, I’ll also add that I find it incredibly sick and twisted and above all, against God’s goodwill that the two of you can believe that what you have is love. You make me sick.” He pointed to the door. “Close it on your way out.”

Kevin’s eyes narrowed. “That’s not fair and you know it,” he said. “If you were this way and you were in love with another man, we’d all support you and love you, because that’s the nature of friendship and we’ve all been through too much to let something as trivial as that to get in the way.”

“Trivial?” Brian repeated. “Trivial! You call two men kissing each other, touching each other, being intimate with one another, having sex, fooling themselves into believing that they’re in love, trivial? I’d hate to find out what you call a nuclear disaster!”

Nick rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so fucking dramatic! We just wanted to tell you that no matter what you say or do, we’ll always be together and that you’ll be the reason for us splitting up, not me and not Kevin, because you’re dividing us, you’re forcing all of us to take sides. And that’s not right, Brian, and you know that.”

Brian leaned forward in his chair, eyeing them with disgust. “Did you think that if you just showed up, I’d change my mind? This isn’t a fairytale, okay? Wake up and live in the real world. You two aren’t normal. You two aren’t accepted. Not by society, not by your friends and certainly not by me. So, in all truth, you’re both wasting my time and your breath.”

Kevin stared at Brian for a moment, feeling sad and knowing that he had never, ever seen this side to his cousin before, and that it really hurt, sent daggers through his heart. “What makes you think it’s so disgusting? That because we’re both the same kind? We’re both men? What makes us any different?”

“You want to know why?” Brian countered. “Fine, I’ll tell you why. Because you’re both men and you’re both different, and you do...everything different.”

Kevin shook his head. “Not really, Brian. Matter of fact, we do everything the same as you and Leighanne do. We kiss the same. We talk the same. We hold each other the same. We touch the same. We feel the same. We love the same. So how do we do everything different?”

“You just do!” Brian shouted. “You’re just...” He scowled and shrugged before blushing slightly. “You’re just not, well, not supposed to do it that way...”

“Now who’s being disgusting,” Nick murmured and turned his eyes away from Brian. “You’re no friend, Brian. And if you don’t realize that you’ll separate us all, all five of us, then...”

“Okay,” Brian said, standing up and leaning against his desk with his hands. “This does not mean that I accept you for what you’re doing. This does not mean that I like you. This does not mean that I condone the both of you, but I’ll only keep my mouth shut because this group is my life and I’ve worked too damn hard for too many years to let it go over something like this.”

“Fine by me,” Nick said, walking out the door.

“Fuck you, Brian,” Kevin said, throwing him an evil glare. “And if you think that what you’ve just said hurts me, you’d better come up with something better than that. Because you know what? I’ve stood up to bigger and better than you and I’m still alive.”

The door closed behind them and Kevin and Nick were left alone in the hallway, just simply staring at each other, both completely silent. It was as though they were both giving each other strength through their stares, just silently willing the both of them to continue, that what mattered was the both of them together, and then, as though they both could read each other’s minds and needed consolation, they both embraced each other, just as silently giving each other support through their body and through their love.

~****~