~*~

"I think he’s waking up."

They all stood over him, peering down at him as he lay on the bed, completely dead to world. Unconscious he was, falling deep into the depths of a hysteric blackout for the second time that night, scaring the hell out of everyone around him. He was soaked to the bone out on the roof, so scared, so scared of everyone around him, and not trusting anybody. Not even his friends that he had known for ten years, that had helped him through everything, that he used to trust. They didn’t understand why he didn’t trust them.

They had seen him through puberty, growing up, maturity, girl problems, broken hearts, adulthood, everything. And then he had trusted them, allowed them to help him, listened to their advice, even thanked them for helping him. It was just something that went without saying, something innate in all their minds. They all just trusted each other unconditionally. It was an unspoken pact between all five men. They had no other choice but to trust each other.

But that was quickly changing. Everything was being changed between them all. They used to have the perfect friendship, and everything used to run smoothly. Well, not exactly smoothly - they had their share of problems in the past - but it pretty much ran like clockwork. They all had no trouble trusting each other, and telling each other their problems, particularly if the problem they were facing was hurting them as much as Nick seemed to be hurting.

There seemed to be a gap coming between them all, dividing them, and now, they were all on their last nerves. They were trying to reach out to help him, to learn whatever had happened to him and try and defeat it all together. But nothing seemed to be working. And it was killing them all, for when you saw your best friend suffering and there was nothing in the world you could do to help them because they were being so stubborn, there was nothing you could do but cry.

And they had, and they still were. They began to cry when all four of them had used all their strength and had carried him down the stairs from the roof and back into the house. They had quickly changed the soaking sheets on his bed that had been caused by the rain and put him in dry clothes and lay him down on his bed, taking seats on the floor around the room, waiting in vain for Nick to wake up, to stir, to give them some sort of sign that he was okay, that he was all right, and maybe find out what the hell he had been talking about on the roof and why he had thought that suicide was the only way out, the only way to solve his problems, the only way to help him. But that wasn’t true.

They knew that. All he had to do was tell them what had happened to him and then they could get him help. But they couldn’t help him one little bit if he refused to confess the secrets buried deep within his heart.

But they knew they were there, they knew that well.

They had never heard his voice so child-like before. So anguished. So scared. So frightened. He had never acted like that before. And it all had something to do with his father. But what? And that was what Nick refused to tell them, and that was what was killing them all the most. That Nick refused to confide in them. Didn’t he trust them enough? Surely he did. But they had all worked out, staring at him sleeping, that he didn’t trust anyone.

Not even them.

Maybe he had been pretending all those years that he did trust them, when all along he doubted them as much as he doubted the rest of the world. Maybe he saw them as his enemies, people he had to keep at arm’s length. But that wasn’t true. All they wanted was to help him, and by any means possible, they would get him to realise that. If it took them to the ends of the Earth, it would all be worth it if they had Nick’s trust.

The rain continued to pelt down onto the roof like gunshots and lightning continued to blaze through the sky like wildfire, making everything on the Earth glow. The wind howled through the windowpanes, causing just a little bit of the strong and heavy breeze to blow through the gaps and into the room. They had all gotten wet outside in the rain, but they were still in their wet clothes, not really caring if they were wet or had saturated clothes on their backs or even if they caught pneumonia.

All that mattered was Nick, and them still being in their wet clothes symbolically proved that, as though their own well-being didn’t matter nearly as much as Nick’s did. And that was what friendship was all about - putting your friends before yourself. And they weren’t the selfish kind. No, they were the caring kind. All of them were, though they all had their opinions of what exactly Nick was capable of, particularly Kevin and A.J. But that didn’t matter for the moment. Bickering and fighting was last on their list of importance.

Nick was their number one priority.

Kevin shook his head and leaned back against the closet door, closing his eyes and sighing. "No, he’s not. He’s still sleeping."

Howie bit down on his lower lip, staring at Nick with scared eyes. "Shouldn’t we have called an ambulance? Or a doctor, at least?"

Brian shook his head, his lips pursed together grimly. "What doctor is available..." He checked his watch. "After midnight?"

A.J. yawned. "Good point. But he looks like he’s sleeping, and maybe that’s what he needs. Sleep. Maybe he’s just tired. I mean, I remember when I was a kid and I used to scream and cry for hours, it used to wear me out."

"He’s not a kid, A.J.," Kevin snapped. "He’s twenty-two years old! He’s not meant to act like a two year-old! A two year-old is expected to scream and cry for hours, not a man of twenty-two! See the difference? Understand?"

A.J. narrowed his eyes and stared at the floor. "Well, look who didn’t take their chill pill this morning," he murmured. "Just trying to help."

Kevin arched an eyebrow, his green eyes gleaming in anger. By this point, he was just like Nick had been. Hysterical. And there was nothing he could do to reach out to Nick and to make him accept the help that he was offering. Kevin was the one who seemed to be taking all this the hardest, for he had been like Nick’s father since...well...forever, it seemed, and now that it seemed as though Nick’s father was responsible for his condition in some way or form, Kevin was ready for murder.

"Keep testing me, A.J. Let’s see how far you get."

A.J. rolled his eyes. "Here we go," he said under his breath. "Kevin taking on his Daddy role."

"Hey!" Brian hissed, his eyes narrowing hatefully. "Show a little compassion, huh? Kevin’s just worried about Nick, just like the rest of us are, and should be! We’re supposed to care about him, A.J.! Remember our rule: stick together, support one another, no matter what? He’s supposed to be your brother, A.J.!"

"I care," A.J. retorted in defence of himself. "I care about Nick. Really I do."

Kevin raised his eyebrows, almost as though he were mocking A.J. "Then how about you start showing him some of that care, huh?"

Silence then surrounded them like it had so many times before on the topic of Nick and the way he was acting. They were silent because they tried to work out just how to deal with what was happening around them, and the fact that they didn’t know how to help him. It was just too complex and scary a thing to even want to deal with it.

There was nothing that they could do because Nick wasn’t telling them what had happened, and because Nick wasn’t telling them what had happened to him, they would never know what would be the best way to help him, to get him better and get the old Nick back again. The happy Nick. The free-spirited Nick. But all that was left of him was a frightened Nick, a scarred Nick, a scared Nick, and it didn’t look like that would ever change.

Nick’s eyes fluttered open, blurred, and saw the four men sitting down around him and slowly sat up, frowning and rubbing his head. His head was throbbing, aching, as though he had drunken two tonnes of alcohol. His vision came into focus slowly and his mind registered the concerned expressions on his friends faces. He sighed and sat up straighter.

"What happened?" he asked softly.

"You passed out," Kevin explained, also frowning. "You don’t remember?"

Nick shook his head slowly, and any other action that was quicker would make his head split. He knew that much. "No, I don’t."

Kevin stared at Nick intently, trying to work out just what was now lurking behind Nick’s blue eyes and what he was thinking. He wondered if Nick remembered everything that he had done and everything that he had said on the roof. He wondered if Nick would finally realise, if ever, that he needed help and that help would come once he confessed his secrets.

Surely he had to know that, didn’t he?

"You were on the roof with this in your hand." Kevin held up the knife for Nick to see. "You were going to kill yourself. Why, Nick? Why would you want to do that yourself?"

Nick felt like he was on display or something equally as hideous, feeling four pairs of eyes all staring at him, eagerly awaiting an explanation. Yeah, well, what happened if he didn’t have an explanation or he didn’t even want to explain? What then? Scream? Yell? Cry? Suicide, again? Who knew? He shrugged.

"I don’t know."

Brian cleared his throat. "Your dad, Nick. You said your dad had something to do with it. What happened with your dad, Nick?" he asked gently.

Nick shook his head quickly. "Nothing."

Kevin’s eyes grew wide. "What?" he whispered. "No..."

Tears welled in Howie’s eyes, himself on his last nerves, for seeing his little brother hurt was like himself being hurt. Whatever Nick was going through, it was like he could feel it too in some weird genetic way. "Come on, Nick, this isn’t funny. You can’t just sit there and claim that this whole thing was some sort of joke."

Nick narrowed his eyes and shrugged again. "What if it was?" he countered.

A.J. scurried to his feet. "I’m going to fucking kill you!" he screamed, tackling Nick to the bed and holding him down with his own body, his fist clenching and his eyes blazing with anger and with unshed tears. "You asshole! That was going too fucking far! Do you have any goddamn idea how much you scared all of us? How could you do this to us? Did you think it was funny? Are you sick in the head or something?"

"Easy!" Brian yelled.

"A.J., he’s been through a lot! Back off!" Howie exclaimed.

Kevin jumped to his feet and grabbed A.J. by the shirt, seeing Nick’s scared eyes and deciding to intervene and pulled A.J. off the bed, though he struggled within Kevin’s grasp, but ultimately decided to make the situation more easier for all of them by not causing much trouble. Kevin’s eyes narrowed murderously at Nick.

"Nick, was it a joke?" he asked in a low voice.

"What if it was?" Nick repeated.

"I can’t believe this," Brian cried softly and buried his head in his hands.

"Was it a joke?" Kevin yelled.

Nick, however, appeared unnerved and unrelenting. "Maybe, maybe not," he replied cryptically.

Kevin felt his blood boiling and on his last bit of patience as he turned his head to read the expressions of his friends. Brian had his head buried in his hands, obviously refusing to believe that Nick would go that far with a joke or a prank. Howie appeared disturbed and stunned. Dazed, even. A.J. was angry and hurt, he could tell by the look in his dark, fiery eyes.

They were all angry to an extent, just some more so than others.

"Fuck you, Nick," he hissed.

Nick jumped off the bed and glared down at all of them sitting on the floor, ignoring the guilty and remorseful feeling growing by the second in the lower pit of his stomach. He tried to hide the fact that he was on the verge of breaking down and sobbing again. He couldn’t let them see that again. Not now, and not ever. Nope, never again would they see tears and hysteria from him.

"Fuck you all," he said in a choked voice and slammed the door on his way out.

They all sat there, with wide eyes and mouths agape, stunned into absolute silence. They just all couldn’t believe and comprehend just what had happened. Sure, they had expected Nick to be a bit belligerent, to be unwilling to tell them what had happened, they had expected that. They didn’t exactly predict him to be ready to tell all and be happy once again. But they had all planned on talking reasonably with him and ultimately prying the information out of him and simultaneously reaffirming their friendship and love for him.

But never in their wildest dreams, not even in the smallest cell of any of their brains, had they thought or even conceived the fact that Nick would deny that anything had happened and make it out to be a joke. Never, ever had they expected that. And they couldn’t believe it. They sat there, eyes staring in horror and bodies stunned in paralysis.

"I..." Brian trailed off, his face white as a sheet. "God."

"Kevin?" Howie said. "Do you think you could go after him? Follow him? See where he leads?"

Kevin rose to his feet once again and nodded. "It’s already done."

~**~

Nick ran through the rain, making a dash through the lightning and wind, and ran up the flight of stairs, taking two at a time so he wouldn’t get drenched from the pelting water that was coming down on him like a shower. It seemed that each time he took a step, lightning would accompany it, as though his foot movements were incurring red, blue and silver sparks to blaze across the sky, complete with rolling, looming thunder that spoke of danger and of fear.

The door itself at the front of the building was a tough one to open against the force of the heavy wind that blew the rain across his body, but with all his might and strength that he had within his arms, he stood firmly against the concrete and opened the door as quickly as he could, rushing inside and letting it close itself behind him, also closing out the torrential rain.

He began to run again up the three flights of stairs, running and running, up and up, until his thigh muscles began to weaken and slowed down his running. His chest tightened somewhat from the exertion that he wasn’t quite used to, but nevertheless, his body continued to surge on, up the second flight of stairs. He turned one corner, ran up seven steps, then came to another, and again ran up seven steps, until he reached the third floor.

He paused to catch his breath at the top of the stairs, bending over slightly and breathing heavily. He took several deep breaths, inhaling, exhaling, and repeating this motion until his deep, stagnant breathing finally ceased.

Nick walked slowly down the hall, his heart racing, adrenalin rushing through his body, not only from the fact that he had just run up three flights of stairs, but from excitement as well. He saw the door coming closer and closer to him, until his eyes eventually took in the gold encrusted numbers on the door. Numbers that he knew well. After all, it wasn’t as though it were his first time here. Nobody but him knew, and he liked it that way. It was just his little secret.

Something just for him.

Suddenly, the door opened and he was pulled inside, the door closing behind him softly, and his eyes adjusting to the darkness. He blinked, trying to see some sort of light around, but stopped searching when he felt someone’s arms encircling his waist.

"Hiya, Nicky," a soft but deep voice said, pressing their body against his back and gingerly kissing at the nape of his neck.

A small shiver of pleasure ran through Nick’s body. "Hey," he said in a shaky voice, trying desperately to control himself, though he couldn’t really.

The voice chuckled quietly and, from behind, removed Nick’s damp jacket slowly, still kissing the nape of his neck. "Soooo, Nicky..." A pause, and then Nick felt hands slide underneath his shirt and the warmth of palms on his abdomen, sending electric shivers up and down his spine. "You ready?"

Nick nodded. "Uh-huh."

Nick was then turned around quickly and was still faced with darkness, though he could slightly make out the silhouette of the person in front of him. "Clothes off, babe."

Nick nodded again and quickly removed his shirt, throwing it carelessly to the ground, kicking off his shoes, sending them sailing in whatever direction, he didn’t really care where, and finally lowered his pants before stopping hesitantly at his boxer shorts.

Nick looked up through the darkness. "Umm..."

Nick gasped when he felt a hand coming into contact with a very sensitive area of his and beginning to gently caress the area surrounding it. Nick heard a chuckle at his soft, strangled moan. "It’s okay, babe, take your time."

After surrendering his boxer shorts to the floor, Nick was then blindfolded and laid flat down on the bed in the darkness, not really knowing exactly what was going to happen or what he was in for. That was, until he felt his arms being raised into the air and placed against the cold steel posts of the bed and his wrists were shackled tightly with cuffs. He then felt soft kisses being placed across his cheeks and down his neck, the kisses slow, soft but persistent, carefully and gradually moving down to his chest.

"Ooohhh, you’re a little hottie aren’t you, babe?" the voice purred, chuckling softly, running their hands down Nick’s body. "And a beautiful body to match, too."

Nick gasped from deep down in his throat when he felt something curling around what physically made him a man - soft fingertips, it seemed, and threw his head back against the plush mountain of pillows. There was a small silence before Nick felt one of those very fingertips being dragged across his lower lip seductively to quiet his cries and a whisper into his ear.

"We’re gonna have some fun, babe. Hope you’re not too tired..."

Nick moaned when he suddenly felt a body pressing down onto his, and moaned again when he felt the sudden surprise of someone’s lips covering his in a ferocious desire.

~***~

The rain had finally stopped and Kevin had been waiting outside the building that he had seen Nick rush into for over two hours. He scanned his watch again for what seemed like the millionth time and drummed his fingertips against the dash of the car and turned the music up slightly, humming softly to himself while he waited. He felt like a spy, some sort of deviant, or a private eye, like he was working for the CIA or the FBI or something like that. A private detective.

All he needed was a black trench coat and a gun, and he’d look like a seasoned assassin. Hunting down those who were putting security at risk. But he wasn’t worried about that. All that he was worried about was Nick, and what the hell he was doing in some unknown building for over two hours. He frowned, and continued to drum his fingertips on the dash, still humming with the song that was playing.

"Well, let me tell you ‘bout the way she looks, the way she acts..." he sang softly, nodding along with the beat.

Suddenly, the building door swung open and Kevin stopped singing, sat up straighter and leaned forward in his seat. He saw Nick step outside the door, hesitantly, and looked both ways with a concerned expression, as though he were a little boy about to be caught out. And he was alone. Kevin continued to frown, but it wasn’t until he saw another man step outside with Nick that Kevin’s heart began to race.

"What the hell...?"

He gasped when he saw the unknown man grab Nick by the arm and wrap his arms around his waist and kiss him long and deep, obviously not aware of anyone watching them at such an early hour. It was Nick who pulled away first and toyed with the front strands of the unknown man’s hair and smiled, talking to him for a few moments before they kissed one last time and the man disappeared back into the building, Nick disappearing long into the night.

Kevin sat back, his eyes wide, completely blown away. He slowly let out his breath. "God, Nick, what the hell are you doing?"

~****~

Lyrics: The Struggle Within - Metallica