Long Lost

©Sweet-Kisses™

~*~

Nick unlocked the door to his old home and walked in, feeling a sense of trepidation running within him. He didn't know exactly what to expect or find. Or even what he hoped to find. Around the home, though, he found were furniture pieces that looked as though they belonged in a beach shack, not a large home such as his. The trepidation and nerves suddenly disappeared and he felt a comfortable feeling taking over.

Along the walls were the same records and magazine covers framed as he'd seen in the homes of his friends. He was suddenly disturbed by a series of small pictures that were framed on a mantelpiece. They were of him and Kevin. Some together, some individual - all looking as though one of the two had taken them. He was fascinated by one picture in particular. It was of him and Kevin, arms around each other's shoulders, smiling happily into the camera. In the background, Nick could see rolling waves and a cloudless, blue sky. It appeared as though one of them was holding the camera at a distance, a self-portrait.

What struck Nick as strange, or even disturbing, was how happy he seemed to be - and how happy Kevin was, too.

Nick shook his head and made his way up the staircase to the second level of the house. He wandered down the hallway and looked at various paintings hung up on the walls. The paintings themselves were simplistic in composition but all had an overall similar theme - the beach. What made him sad was the fact that he couldn't remember ever being so fascinated, or obsessed, with the beach. At all.

He surveyed the bathroom, a spare bedroom with a small wooden desk before arriving at the end of the hallway and entering a rather large bedroom. He guessed it was his. Or used to be his. The walls were painted in loud colors and the large bed in the middle had nothing on it but a bare mattress. The small wooden table next to the bed was bare. The door out to the deck was locked and the deck itself was covered with leaves of different colors and sizes. It really did seem as though no one had been there for a long time.

He noticed a closed door to his left. Curious, he opened it and found a few pairs of old shoes covered lightly with dust and some old garments hanging up and also some discarded in the built-in compartments of the walk-in robe. He paused for a moment and then realised what had captured his attention. In the corner, half covered by an old shirt, was a small cardboard box. He threw off the old shirt and took the box out to the bedroom. He sat down on the bed and pulled off the old tape that held the top of the box closed.

On the top of the contents was a small, leather-bound notebook. He flicked through it quickly. What he saw were drawings and what appeared to be poetry or attempted song lyrics, all heavily edited by red scribble. Toward the back of the notebook, however, he came across actual writing with dates. It appeared to be his thoughts. Was this his journal?

"Hate flying, even if it is first class or our own plane. Too tired to even think. Hate travelling. I need sleep. It's freezing and people scream at me. But it's my job. I love to sing," Nick read aloud from the first page. He quickly scanned the next few pages. There seemed to be a wide time frame between entries. Sometimes nearly two months.

"I don't know why it happened. Don't know how to explain it, why we're spending more time together. Don't know, if anyone asks. Kevin and I are closer now. Maybe it's because I'm growing up." He turned to the next entry and continued to read aloud. "Don't know why he kissed me, or why I even enjoyed it; for a split second. Both drunk. That's all it was. No-one can know." His stomach began to churn.

"So that's how it started," Nick said softly to himself, his voice displaying a degree of disgust. "He started it. I knew it!"

Nick read quietly. Don't know exactly what's going on with Kevin and I. Strange. Need time to think. Okay to admit being afraid. He's not. He's so sure of himself, so confident. How can he be? How can it be so easy for some people? Why? No idea. No one will be happy with this. Is it worth losing everything for one person? Is that what love is?

That was all that he wrote for that particular entry. The next entry was another eight weeks later. We're all separating for a break. Not for long, though. Kevin gave me this compilation of songs as a gift when I left. Looked sad to be leaving. But so was I. Good thing we've documented all of our travels, all five of us together. Life isn't the same without memories.

Nick rummaged through the box and found a small CD case. He opened it and found a small note inscribed on the inside cover. Nick, something to remember me by. KR. He raised his eyebrows and flipped the case over. He read the title of the included songs. He realised that they were all love ballads, spanning across a few decades. 

The next entry included a small piece of paper below that was stuck with adhesive tape. All been so busy. Life is busy. But that's my life. Things are interesting with Kevin. New findings, new days. Interesting. He wrote me a letter, since we don't get to talk much due to scheduling. Thought I'd keep it.

Nick pulled the note open and read softly. Nick. I was once told when I was young that when I found someone important enough to give my heart to, to be careful. You're probably thinking why. It's because once you give your heart to someone who you think is important enough, its difficult to ever get it back again. You've taken mine, Nick, and I didn't even see it happening. But that's the best thing about us. We're so many things in one, we're unique. I hope to stay like that forever. And remember: I'll never hurt you. I love you. Kevin.

Nick shook his head. "Interesting" he murmured and turned over the page in the journal. He nearly felt sick by what he read. I think I know what people mean when they say that when you're in love, you know. Finally experiencing it. At last. Kevin was right there, in front of me, and I never realized. Amazing. He's amazing. I hope this can last and it's okay for me to admit that. I'm okay with this. I think I've accepted it, and it's okay. More than that. I'm more than okay. Finally more than okay.

That was one of the last few entries. The remainder of entries had nothing to do with him, or Kevin, or their relationship but were simply related to his career and "ideas" for the future. One, in particular, was to attempt a solo career. He seemed to make the statement quite clear. It had been underlined in a red marker several times and throughout the last several pages, there was evidence to show an attempt at writing lyrics with musical notes included.

Nick wandered down the stairs again to see if he could find any evidence to what he meant by "documenting travels". There was a room with the door locked toward the back of the house. He sighed and began to try each key that was held together by a dolphin key ring. The fourth key that he tried unlocked the door with a soft click. He opened the door to a dark room that probably hadn't seen light in a long time.

A small desk with a laptop, stereo and digital camcorder was sitting in the corner. On what Nick thought to be a tripod-looking stand, the digital camcorder was perched on top. A widescreen TV was in the right corner of the room. He noticed that several CD's were stacked on top of the desk in a neat pile, blank. Nick shrugged and turned his attention to the three drawers of the desk, which were locked. He flicked through the keys he held in his hand, and the final one opened all three.

He quickly rummaged through all the drawers. He found nothing in them but old papers and magazines that he didn't really pay much attention to. However, the final drawer became stuck when he tried to close it. He tried to push it back into the desk with such a great amount of force, that the bottom part of the drawer fell out to reveal some sort of secret hiding place. Nick's mouth fell open when he found what was trying to be concealed. He found a few small video tapes and a stack of photos in a large sealed envelope.

Nick thought he had felt sick enough for one day. But what the photos illustrated made him even more so. The photos involved both him and Kevin, all taken on different dates. The top photo showed Nick and Kevin, sitting beside each other. Nick had one arm across Kevin's chest, the other around Kevin's shoulders. Nick was appalled to see that he had his lips placed against Kevin's cheek. Kevin, meanwhile, was staring above; a small, amused smile on his face. Nick couldn't tell who had taken the photo; it certainly wasn't a self-portrait.

He quickly went through the small pile; gasping at various photos. The final one made him more than queasy. It was a black and white photo, taken from a distance, Nick's back toward the camera, both standing up. The top halves of both Nick and Kevin's body were unclothed, and Nick couldn't tell if they were fully naked or not. He could see that his hair was spiky and that his arms were tightened around Kevin's neck. Kevin's hands were on the nape of Nick's neck. The photo illustrated them in the middle of a deep kiss.

Nick threw the photos in the air, dashed for the bathroom and waited until he threw up. But while he felt the need to, nothing happened. Wandering back toward the room again, he felt hot, angry tears spilling down his cheeks. He hated himself, hated himself for being so easily led. He was so confused.

He pulled the video tapes out and grabbed the camcorder. It took him several minutes to work out how and where to put the tape, but soon he was watching. He saw a background of a large city. They were obviously on top of a hill somewhere. He saw Brian, Kevin, AJ and Howie. They all had their arms around each other.

"C'mon, Nick, how much longer do we have to pose for? This isn't a freakin' photo, dude!" AJ yelled out.

"Calm down," Kevin advised.

Nick heard himself chuckle. Soon the group broke up and the camera zoomed in on Kevin, who was talking to an older, much shorter man in a suit. It stayed that way for several moments until Kevin turned his head slightly and gave Nick a small, conspiratorial smile. He heard himself chuckle again. Then nothing. Nick quickly fast forwarded the tape, but nothing.

He took the tape out and replaced it with another and began watching. AJ appeared, rambling about clothes and tattoos. It went blank for a few seconds and then Nick appeared on a football field, football in hand, running around and yelling. "Score! Score! The running man scores!"

Kevin was the director this time. Nick could hear his laugh. "Good, Nick."

Nick walked closer to Kevin, breathing heavily from all the running. "I'm all sweaty, you know..."

"Nick...no...you know I'm a faster runner than you..."

It went blank for a second time and then both appeared, laying on towels by the edge of a pool. Nick was on Kevin's right, face directly toward the sun, eyes closed. Kevin's eyes were closed, too, but what Nick finally realised was that their hands were linked together. This went on for several minutes and Nick just watched in amazement. They both looked so peaceful. Nick, on camera, moved his face toward Kevin and unlinked their hands. He watched himself place a kiss on Kevin's cheek and then he stood up and turned the camera off.

Nick sighed and pulled the tape out and replaced it with the final one. After watching the final tape, Nick actually did throw up.

Nick was the director, walking into a large bedroom. Kevin was on the bed reading, dressed only in dark boxer shorts, propped up against a mountain of pillows. Kevin's hair at the time just missed the top of his shoulders.

"That camera has been like an extension of your arm lately, Nick. I'm concerned," Kevin commented, without taking his eyes off the book.

Nick began to document the footage in a terrible British accent. "Kevin's reading a scintillating book at present. A Stephen King classic. Salem's Lot. Oh, scary!"

Finally, Kevin put the book down. "Nick!" he said sternly. "Turn the camera off."

"Yes, your Majesty!"

The camera was placed on the bedside table but was not turned off. Nick watched himself crawl on the bed and sit between Kevin's legs. They both stared at each other. Nick saw himself murmur something to Kevin, but it was inaudible. This bought a small smile to Kevin's face. Nick moved closer and they shared a series of kisses; each longer than the last.

Nick leaned into Kevin and nuzzled at his neck, his hands sliding down Kevin's bare chest and underneath his boxer shorts. The camera shook in Nick's hands while he watched Kevin raise his head back against the pillows and close his eyes. They kissed again, more aggressively and Kevin pushed Nick onto his back. He watched the two gripping each other tightly while they kissed and surrendered to their love for one another.

The second time Nick spoke, it was audible. And it was after Kevin had just taken off Nick's shirt. "I love you."

"That's not me!" Nick yelled. "That can't be me!"

But he knew the truth. He had to realise: once upon a time, a long time ago, he was in love with Kevin.

That was when Nick dropped the camera and made a direct run for the bathroom in order to throw up; twice.

Nick sat down in the living room on the couch, surrounded by memories that he couldn't recall.

He began to cry.

~**~