Long Lost

Long Lost

~*~

Nick had been pondering the choices that he had been making. He knew that they weren't good, or fair to anyone; and after seeing all the memories that were within his old house, it was obvious that there was definitely something special between him and Kevin. That, he couldn't deny any further, longer. He wasn't about to. He remembered AJ's words. He had to get over it and move on, for the sake of his friends, and himself.

He didn't like what he had saw. He couldn't believe that two people could be so open about their love for one another, so careless and carefree. He couldn't believe that the couple were both men; and he couldn't believe that one of them was him. But he had come to realise that that part of his life, which he didn't even know existed, was no longer.

Which was why he was about to take a great leap and do something that he had never thought possible.

He was going to apologise to Kevin.

For it was when he had seen the video footage, the photos and his old journal that he realised how Kevin really felt; and more and more memories of the past were surfacing in his dreams. Dreams of himself and Kevin in happier times, better times; though he never told a soul.

He really hadn't meant to be so abrupt. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to quit the group, though he couldn't quite remember what the whole job included. He knew they were musicians, popular and wealthy. But what he really didn't like was being alone. He honestly believed, deep down, that if he surrounded himself with his friends, maybe he would no longer suffer from what was causing him so much pain.

Nick found Kevin, sitting at a small table, a white cup in front of him, an astray filled with ash and two used cigarettes. Kevin was reading the local newspaper; the front page declaring in bold letters that terrorism was on the rise. In any other circumstance, Nick may have cared.

Nick didn't sit down. He tried to be as sincere and polite as possible. "Kevin, may I talk to you?"

Kevin didn't bother looking up, or reply.

"Kevin. Let me sit down. You don't have to speak to me. Just listen. Please."

After several moments, Kevin finally moved. He took hold of the white cup, took a long sip. There was slight tension between them; they could both feel it in the air. Finally, Kevin replied coolly, "I thought you quit."

"I didn't mean to," Nick began, taking a seat at the table. He pressed his hands together. He noticed that there were dark circles between Kevin's eyes. Had he not been sleeping? "I was angry, that's all." He paused. "I went to the house."

Kevin's head rose higher almost instantly. His eyes widened. His mouth parted. "You...you did?" he whispered.

"Yes. I wanted to find out about me, about us, about the group. I wanted answers. I still do. I found my old journal. Most of the entries were done nearly 2 years ago and for some reason, I stopped all of a sudden. But what I read gave me some truth. The truth that I found was that, yes, I loved you. I really must have loved you and from what I could tell, you really loved me."

Kevin nodded slowly. "Yes. A long time ago."

"I was upset, angry, even physically sick when I saw all of that. I was. But after reading my thoughts, I came to another conclusion: I was happy. We were happy. It seemed like, to use a cliché, we were made for each other. You know? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm admitting that our relationship was part of my life and I have to accept that. If I want to make peace with myself, with you and the other three, I have to accept that."

"I'm glad you can do that."

Nick knew that what he was about to say next would most likely upset Kevin, but it had to be said. "But we both have to accept that our relationship is in the past."

Kevin seemed genuinely surprised. "Oh."

There was several moments of silence between them. While Kevin lowered his head, Nick scanned the room casually. "I'm still trying to deal with the fact that you and I were a couple. The accident has changed me, it's changed us all. I still have a hard time being around you knowing that we once...well, I guess that doesn't matter anymore."

"Right," Kevin replied, clearing his throat. "Good point. You've certainly done some thinking."

"And I'd also like to be a part of the group again. I asked the others, said it was up to you. Your decision."

Kevin stared at Nick. While he was glad that Nick was attempting to solve some issues between them, it still upset him to know that they would never be what they once were. Nick wasn't his first love, there was never that "you're the first person who made me realise what love was all about" idea. But, Nick was the first person that Kevin felt the most strongly for, the most compatible with. They had shared so much, so much love. Nick's request to leave it in the past seemed like such a big mountain for Kevin to climb.

But what could Kevin do?

"Okay. But let's get a few things clear. No more insults, no much punch-ups and no more stupid comments to the press. I mean it, Nick, if you drag my name through the mud one more time..."

"Don't worry. Won't happen." Nick paused and leaned forward. "Is this okay? Do you think we could work on being friends again?"

Kevin shrugged. "It seems so hard but...I guess it's better than nothing. Right?"

Nick put out his hand. "I apologise for what I have done. Let's try and work on friendship now. I'd really like to try to be your friend again."

Kevin shook Nick's hand. "Friends."

Nick felt as though there was an instant peace between them. He would have been quite surprised to find that Kevin didn't think so; Kevin didn't say as much. "Can I ask, just for my own benefit, your side of, you know, us? I never really gave you the opportunity."

The second thing that Kevin didn't say was how much Nick was acting like his old self. It was strange to him. "You know the story. Why rehash it?"

"Kevin."

He knew he was trying to dodge the walk down memory lane. But it hurt. Lord, it hurt. "We've always been good friends, Nick; you and I. Really good friends. However, when you were growing up, it was hard to communicate with you. The age gap and all. You felt as though you didn't know where you fit in. You told me as much. As you got older, it was more and more easier to have conversations with you, long conversations and then all of sudden, after having a few drinks together, I kissed you. I don't know why I did, I just...wanted to." He paused and let out a laconic chuckle. "So you were right. I did start it."

"And my reaction?"

"You were a little surprised. Well, make that shocked. We talked about it and kept whatever type of relationship we had then to ourselves. You were extremely uneasy about all of it. I remember one instance where you were hysterical. You couldn't stop crying. I was amazed; I had never seen that from you before. I mean, I had seen you cry before - plenty of times. But this time, was different. You had your whole heart right on your sleeve. You were so concerned about everyone else. What they would think, what they would do. But that was you, Nick. You worried so much about others that you forgot about yourself sometimes."

Nick appeared fascinated; enthralled, even. "So, obviously it was difficult for me."

"Yes. Having said that, it was difficult also for me. I had friends, family that I didn't want to offend, disappoint. But I loved you, and I knew that that was the most important thing. Nothing else."

Nick thought about one particular dream that he had. The one where he was walking down a long hall of a hotel building, knocked on the door of a guests room, and Kevin appeared. Nick had apologised profusely for any pain he may have caused Kevin, said that he wanted to have a relationship with Kevin, and nothing more. It was obvious to Nick that, in the beginning, he did have problems.

"So, after all that, I was suddenly okay with everything?"

"We both knew that ours was a relationship to work out. More so than others, so we both knew that. But we wanted it, Nick, both of us. Surely you've seen those photos to prove that what I'm saying is true."

"I also found, and watched, a little home-made movie of us. Was...well...unnerving, for a better word."

Kevin's face flushed slightly. "Oh, I see."

"I want to ask just one more question. You didn't miss women at all?"

Kevin's dark eyes manoeuvred about the room quickly. "No," he said simply. "Why would I? I had you."

A small smile crossed Nick's face as he stood up. "I hope we can begin a good friendship from now on," he concluded sincerely, walking away.

It was ironic. Kevin thought that Nick's words had an awful finality about it.

~**~