Tears In Heaven

 © Sweet Kisses™

~*~

Kevin sat in the waiting room, the most nervous and scared as he’d ever been in his life. He tangled and untangled his fingers together, praying to God that everything would be all right and that nothing bad would ever become of him. But he’d had so many suspicions and feelings that something bad would, it was almost like he was having premonitions of his own death.

And that was such a morbid thought, thoughts, but it seemed so real. And still he’d told nobody. Nobody knew exactly the battle he’d been fighting within himself for the last week since he’d been told that he had cancer. He had dealt with it all himself and so far he’d done a pretty good job trying to conceal it from his family and friends and most of all, his wife. Someone who knew him better than anyone in the world hadn’t even guessed that he was trying to fight this all alone, strictly all on his own.

So far she hadn’t caught on, though at times she had caught him staring at her wistfully with tears in his eyes and she’d question him, thinking that something was dreadfully wrong, but he’d reassured that nothing was wrong, that there was no reason for him doing that, that he was perfectly healthy and that he’d live forever.

But that wasn’t true.

No matter how much he tried to believe it.

And she hadn’t questioned how dedicated he seemed to be all of sudden and how fixated he had been all of a sudden for the chance of having children. She hadn’t questioned that, either. So many things that she didn’t know, it was killing him. He knew he’d have to tell her some time or at least before he went into surgery. He’d have to tell her then, but he just didn’t want to see the look she’d give him, the tears that she’d cry once he had told her, and he didn’t want to give her the possibility of death and leaving her all alone, when he’d promised her forever and ever and ever, until the day they both died...

“Kevin Richardson?”

Kevin looked up and saw a tall man in a white coat and a stethoscope slung around his neck eyeing him with a curious but friendly smile. He stood up quickly and nodded. “Yes, that’s me.”

“Dr Newman,” the man said with a smile and shook Kevin’s hand. “I’ll be the one taking on your case. So, if you’d like to follow me, we can get this over with quickly.”

Kevin followed Dr Newman obligingly and was led into a quiet, cool white office that looked down at the city below, the mad rush of cars and people showing a hectic lifestyle. And he couldn’t help but think that that was once him and now would never be again. So many things he’d be missing out on, so many things he wouldn’t get to do, so many things he wouldn’t get to see, maybe even his own children, for one...

“Now, Kevin,” Dr Newman said, interrupting Kevin’s reverie, “you’ve been diagnosed with colon cancer. How do you feel about that?”

Kevin shrugged. “How am I supposed to feel? Well, for one, I feel cheated. I feel robbed. I haven’t done a single bad thing in my life to deserve this and I feel both cheated and robbed of my life and I have absolutely no control over it. I feel powerless to stop this. And I also feel hate. I hate this happening to me, I just...”

He paused and caught his breath and his throat choked up. “It’s not fair.”

Dr Newman cast him a sympathetic look. “Now, Kevin, let’s not be pessimistic. People beat this every day, young and old, so don’t feel as though this is the end and you’re about to have your last rites read. Let’s not get ahead of everything. What’s going to happen to you is quite simple. I understand that you had severe bowel discomfort and bleeding for more than a few days so you went to your doctor and he gave you the diagnosis. Is that the case?”

Kevin nodded. “Yes.”

“And it’s hereditary, too,” Dr Newman mused, opening Kevin’s medical file and scanning it quickly. “Your father also had colon cancer.”

“And he died of it,” Kevin insisted.

Dr Newman shook his head. “That doesn’t mean you will, too. The procedure is very simple and it’s a very good thing you were detected early. I’m sure going through this with your father you know the procedure fairly well, but just for the record what will happen is that we’ll find exactly where the polyps are located in your colon and we’ll cut them out. At the same time, we’ll scan the rest of your body to see if any other nasty thing that are growing anywhere else.  That doesn’t sound too frightening, does it?”

Kevin let out a shaky breath. The whole thing was frightening. Who was the doctor trying to fool, here? Certainly not him, that was for sure. “I guess not.”

“After that is done and worked successfully,” Dr Newman continued, staring directly into Kevin’s eyes with utmost seriousness, “you’ll see me every six months for routine check-ups. I won’t go into what will happen if more are found during those check-ups because that hasn’t happened yet. What’s best for you and your nerves right now is if you concentrate on what’s there now and not what could be in the future. You’ll only cause yourself more stress and from the look of you right now, I don’t think you need anymore.”

Kevin agreed. He thought that was pretty good advice, considering that he’d had hardly any sleep since he’d been told by his doctor that he had cancer. Nothing had been the same for him since he’d been told that. Everything had been different. His whole world had been changed by two little words and now he didn’t think that the world would ever hold anything good for him since that day.

“When can all this happen? Soon, right?”

Dr Newman nodded. “Yes. I’ll schedule surgery for you in two weeks.” He gave Kevin a slightly suspicious look. “How are your friends and family dealing with this? Are they supportive? Do they even know?”

Kevin reluctantly shook his head. “No, they don’t,” he said in a soft voice. “I know I have to, but it’s...God, it’s just so hard! I didn’t think there was anything tougher in the world than losing my father and now the same thing is happening to me and...” He paused to compose himself and nodded. “But I will. I know I have to.”

“Good, good,” Dr Newman replied approvingly and stood up, his hand extending out to shake Kevin’s. “Don’t worry, Kevin, I’m sure everything will be fine. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. I know that’s hard for you to understand me saying that and I’m sure you’re thinking that I’m not the one who has to go through it, but try to make things easy on yourself. Think positively, Kevin. Positive things happen to positive people.”

Kevin thanked the doctor and walked out of yet another doctor’s office, firmly believing that nothing positive would ever come of this.

Ever.

~**~

Kevin leaned forward in his chair and rested his arms against the table, his eyes drifting onto each of his four best friends. He couldn’t help but notice how lively and happy and how just...alive they seemed. They were so much different from him. They seemed happy. They seemed to have not a care in the world. When all the while Kevin was different, when all the while Kevin was silently fighting a battle inside himself that he was quickly losing. A battle that he knew that there was no chance of him winning.

It just wasn’t fair. He didn’t deserve this. He had thought that so many times already, but he didn’t care. It was the truth. A man like himself who had tried to do everything right and live by the book and do everything that he was supposed to in order to live up to everybody’s standards. He had done all that, and what had he gotten in return? A death wish. A death sentence. Like a man on death row. And all the while, seeing these happy faces before him, he wanted to hit something. He wanted to scream and cry and kill whoever had sentenced him to this, when all the time he’d tried to live and love and be perfect.

Those happy, smiling faces were enough to kill any sort of feeling that he had in his body. He all of a sudden went numb, his whole entire body numb. He wasn’t even sure if he was there. Well, he was there, sitting at the table trying to put up a false façade of happiness while he was having lunch with the only friends that knew him as he was. If he wasn’t there in mind, which he wasn’t, then all he was, sitting at the table, was a lifeless body. He hadn’t pulled a smile, hardly said two words to anybody about anything, and all he could keep on thinking about was if they would miss him if he were no longer around. Would they miss him?

He hoped so, for after all, he had been like their father for so long. He had been their friend, their father, their brother, their backbone, their stability, everything. And even though at times he knew they didn’t like him playing all those roles with them, Kevin knew underneath everything that they just expected it and secretly loved it, in their own individual way.

He wondered how he could tell them and say goodbye, if he needed to. All he could think about was the surgery not working and him dying. He couldn’t bear to die. He couldn’t bear to leave behind everything that was important to him. It was just simply not fair. And how would he say goodbye? He didn’t really know. All he could think of was a river of tears and broken hearts and even then that didn’t seem enough...

Kevin looked to Howie, who was listening to A.J. talking. Goodbye my sweet brother. I hope you always stay that way.

He then turned his eyes on Brian, who was nodding in agreement to the conversation that was going on. Goodbye my brother and my cousin. I’m thankful you’ve found happiness.

Kevin placed his eyes on A.J., the holder of the conversation, his eyes wide and expressive. Goodbye my rebel brother, but the most kind-hearted out of us all. I promised you love would find you and it has. Always keep believing in it.

Kevin then put his eyes lastly on Nick, who was heavily interested in what A.J. was saying. Goodbye my youngest brother, who was also like my son. One day you’ll find someone, and then you’ll find yourself...

Feeling tears welling in his eyes, Kevin abruptly pushed his chair back and stood up. “I’m sorry.” he choked and made a mad dash for the bathroom.

Howie frowned, watching Kevin leaving the table in a hurry. “What’s wrong with him?” he asked, concern filling his voice.

Nick laughed. “Trouble in paradise!”

A.J. let out a small cackle. “Finally! About time they had a lover’s fight! But you know what’s good about fighting...” he added suggestively.

Howie rolled his eyes. “That’s not even funny,” he retorted, much to the laughter of A.J. and Nick.

Brian, however, stared in the direction of where Kevin had fled, thinking that he had seen Kevin that upset only on one occasion in his life and he knew that Kevin was fighting something just as bad, but the demon inside Kevin, that Kevin alone was fighting, was more threatening than any one of them could ever imagine.

~***~

It was in the early hours of the morning when Kevin sat out on the deck once again, once again not being able to sleep, marveling at the black velvet sky and the twinkling brightness of the stars that reminded him of diamonds. Much like the diamond that he had given Kathy as her engagement ring. He remembered that day with a hell of a lot of sadness within his heart. The whole day had been perfect. It was Valentines Day and they had been dating steadily for two years and somehow, someway, they both just knew that they were meant to be together and Kevin wanted nothing more than to propose to her.

He had never felt anything like the feeling that she gave him, the things he had felt when he was with her, the feelings that she made him feel. And he was certain that she made him into a better person. She quickly cut him down if he ever started acting like a spoiled little rich star and he had never found that quality in any woman, apart from his mother, and he just knew. He just knew that they were meant to be together.

“Katherine,” Kevin said softly, stopping her from walking on ahead of him in the snow by taking her arm before looking questioningly into her eyes, “how do you feel about me?”

Kathy let out a small laugh. “You already know, Kevin,” she replied, kissing him gently. “You should already know how I feel about you. I love you.”

Kevin, though he knew this, continued to act unconvinced. “How do you feel about us? Do you think we have a future together? A long future together?”

Kathy narrowed her blue-green eyes inquisitively. “Kevin, what are you talking about?”

Kevin reached into his pocket and pulled out a small black box, loving her surprised gasp. “I’m talking about this,” he said, opening the box and revealing a diamond ring before her eyes. “But my other is question is: how do you feel about wearing this ring? And maybe even, that is if you can stand me for the rest of your life, marrying me?” 

Kathy covered her mouth with her hand in disbelief. “Oh my god...” she breathed, taking her hand away slowly. “That’s so beautiful.”

Kevin raised his eyebrows. “So, your answer would be?”

“Yes!” Kathy exclaimed. “Yes, I’ll marry you!”

Kevin smiled and carefully and delicately placed the diamond ring on her finger before taking her in his arms. “Katherine Richardson,” he murmured, kissing her tenderly.

“My husband,” Kathy whispered, giggling quietly and then losing herself within Kevin’s embrace and kiss, thinking that there was no where else she’d rather be...

Kevin wiped away a tear just as he heard a quiet voice say his name. He turned around in the deck lounge and saw Kathy standing in the doorway, and even though he knew that he’d been married for what seemed a long time to him, he was amazed to find the same feelings for her still intact as when he had started dating her.

A white robe was wrapped around her, her cheeks were slightly flushed from sleep, her eyes held a sleepy look which Kevin found to be completely irresistible, and she just had this innocent look about her that he just loved and even though it was supposed to make him happy, it made him hurt. It broke his already broken heart. He guessed that it just broke into more pieces than it already was, and that wasn’t really hard to do anymore, considering everything that was happening to him...

“C’mere,” Kevin said, patting the space in front of him on the deck lounge.

Kathy, without a word said, slipped easily into the space and fell comfortably back into his arms, staring up at the sky. “What’re you doing out here and awake? It’s barely past two in the morning.”

Kevin nuzzled at her neck, loving the softness of her skin and the sweetness of her voice. “Couldn’t sleep,” he whispered.

Kathy suppressed a laugh and patted at his hands. “Control yourself, mister.”

Kevin chuckled and tightened his grip around her waist. “Yes, Ms Vice President. Whatever you say, Ms Vice President. I’ll be your lap dog, Ms Vice President...”

Kathy couldn’t hold back a giggle. “Oooh really? Now that’s certainly kinky of you!”

“You don’t like me being kinky?” Kevin whispered into her ear, placing just one small kiss on the hollow spot on her neck. “And isn’t it me who’s the controlling one in this relationship, according to you? So, really, I’m doing you a nice gesture here. You should definitely take me up on it.”

Kathy closed her eyes for a moment to enjoy the safeness and security of his arms and his embrace before she finally opened her eyes after exhaling deeply several times. She turned around and stared into his eyes, loving what she saw and quickly losing herself within them. “Kevin, is there something wrong?”

Kevin shook his head, an innocent look on his face. “Well, if you call the bed getting cold because we’re not in it a problem, then yeah...”

Kathy sighed and playfully swatted his arm. “I mean it, Kevin. You just seem to be...I don’t know, different. You seem to be...preoccupied. Everything all right?”

Kevin nodded. “Everything’s fine.”

What if I told you that I might be dying?

Kathy eyed him cautiously. “Are you sure? I know you, Kevin, and you haven’t been acting like yourself this past week or so...”

Kevin tried to smile. “Everything’s fine, baby. Fine.” 

Would you still love me and want me if I told you that?

“And you would tell me if something was wrong? Absolutely anything? Good or bad?”

Kevin nodded and crossed his heart with his index finger. “Promise.”

But don’t make me promise you anything more than what I have, because I’m afraid I can’t give it to you...

Kathy smiled and fell back into his embrace once more. “Good,” she said softly, kissing him gently. “I really do love you, Kevin. Forever and ever.”

Kevin stood up and faced her, his back toward the door and his hand outstretched. “So, my lady Katherine,” he said in a soft drawl, “what do you want more than anything in the world right now?”

Kathy pretended to think this over and placed her hand in his. “You,” she said after a moment’s pause, herself being dragged in the direction of their bedroom while Kevin walked backwards inside, gently leading her. “Just you. Forever.”

Forever’s just a word, Kevin wanted to tell her. Forever doesn’t mean anything and nothing lasts that long, he also wanted to tell her, but he couldn’t, he just couldn’t find the courage inside himself to tell her.

But instead he drowned his worries in his wife, thinking that if he focused on how beautiful, how sweet and how perfect she seemed to him and how their love seemed to be all those things, then he wouldn’t have to worry about anything bad for he’d be too consumed by everything that was beautiful and sweet and perfect, and he wouldn’t have to live in a world that was filled with death or sorrow or anguish, but just a world that was created by himself and his wife, and then maybe, just maybe, he’d forget about the fact that he might never have the chance of making his wife happy or himself ever being happy again.

~****~