Sweet Kisses

~*~

Date: April, 2001
Time: 10 A.M.
Place: My house
Mood: Sad/Depressed
Weather: Sunny


Kevin's finally gone.

And I'm back here, at my place, feeling like absolute shit. I still have Niven to keep me company but shit, how am I going to cope?

 I've just come to the conclusion that he'll never tell Kristin. Why would he, when he's now got the both of us to screw around with? There's no way that we can change anything now.

God, I need help.

Saying goodbye this morning was so hard.  I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay with him forever, lay in his bed with him forever, open my eyes and see him give me that sexy sleepy smile that he did. He's changed everything. Well, we've changed everything, and I didn't know that it was going to be this bad. If I knew that it was going to be this bad, I wouldn't have agreed to all this, I would've gone ahead and told Kristin everything.

He said a few things to me when I left this morning, some things which meant a lot to me then, but mean shit to me now.

"Nick," he said and ran his fingers through my hair, like he's done so many times. "Nothing's going to change. I'm still going to see you, I promise, but just not as much." He kissed me gently. "And that's why I did what I did with you last night, so you would know that I love you and you'd have a reminder of that. The feelings we have and shown each other won't change, they'll always still be there, in our hearts. I love you, Nick, surely you should know that. Now."

Yeah, fucking now.
 


Date: April, 2001
Time: Late
Place: Still at my house
Mood: Still sad
Weather: Don't know, don't care


I haven't heard a single word from Kevin in two days. I assume that he's caught up with his wife. I can't believe he's doing this to me. He says he loves me. He says he cares for me. And sure he might. But how do I know that for sure? Just because we had sex? For some people, sex means nothing but a way to pass the time. Maybe he was missing Kristin so much that he didn't care who he was getting it from, as long as he was getting some.

God, I've totally changed since being with him. I feel used. For the first time.

Basically, that's what he's done, and is doing. He's used me, using me. I'm just his little toy that he plays with when the wife's away because he ain't gettin' enough. And that's exactly what I'm saying now: enough. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore. It's so goddamn hard.

And I keep thinking about when we slept together and the things that he did and the things that he said to me, the promises that he made me. God, I sure was gullible then, wasn't I? I couldn't help myself, I couldn't help myself from wanting him to sleep with me, and believing all his sweet words. Things like, "I love you so much" and "I'm gonna love you forever" and "God, you're beautiful" and "I'm never going to hurt you."

What a fucking crock of shit.

Just as I suspected, Kevin Richardson ain't full of nothin' but shit.

Fuck you, Kevin.


Date: April, 2001
Time: Midday
Place: Beach
Mood: Relevance?
Weather: Still sunny


I'm at the beach now, and the sun is warming me. I had to get out of the house, it just held too many memories of when Kevin was there, and he's left one of his shirts there and I did the most ridiculous thing by picking it up and smelling it and his scent was still there. And then I did an even more ridiculous thing by holding it while I was sleeping, so it was like I was sleeping next to him, breathing in his scent, imagining that he was with me...

I want to cry, but I won't because that'll mean that he's won and I've lost. And I'm going to be the winner in this. I'm going to be the victor.

I've also come to a decision. I think it would be better if I just, well, find someone else, maybe. Let Kevin go back to his wife.

Kevin called this morning, and my decision was based upon it. This is what happened. Kind of like a script here, for you, diary

The Kevin And Nick Conversation:

Kevin (sounding happy): Hey! Miss me? I miss you
Nick (feigning a happy tone): God, I've missed you, Kevin. I've missed you so much! How come you haven't called?
Kevin (falling silent): Nick, you know why. Kristin's back
Nick: Have you told her yet? About us yet? Have you? Have you?
Kevin (stalling): That's the thing. Things are different between us, Nick. She came back and she just...looked so much more beautiful than I remembered and so much sweeter...things are really good between us
Nick (tears filling his eyes, whispering): Is that it?
Kevin (sighing): Just give me a little more time, okay?
Nick (feeling his heart breaking into a million tiny pieces): Okay. But..,don't you love me?
Kevin: God, Nick, I love you. I love you so much. Don't you know that by now? Is making love to you not enough?
Nick (whispering, again): How do I know that?
Kevin (sighing): Nick, I don't sleep with just anybody. I slept with you because I loved you, and I love you. All I'm asking for is a little bit of patience and a little more time to sort this all out. This isn't easy for me, Nick.
Nick (exasperated): You think it's any fucking better for me, all alone here? I'm dying here without you, Kevin! DYING! You have to tell her, now! I need you, Kevin. I need you!
Kevin: I'm sorry, Nick, but I have to go. Talk to you later.

I assumed it was then that Kristin walked into the room. And after that, I cried. I cried for a long, long time.

Maybe it would be easier for everyone if I wasn't around. At least then I wouldn't have a broken heart, and Kevin wouldn't feel torn between Kristin and me and nobody would hate me when they eventually find out.

Sounds good to me.


Date: April, 2001
Time: Midnight
Place: My bed
Mood: Unhappy/Angry/Sad
Weather: Stars, moon...


I now haven't heard from Kevin in three days, since our conversation. I figure he's just too busy with his wife than to care about me. And why would he care about me, anyway, when he's got another person to fill his bed? This whole thing is killing me, and killing me slowly. I can't stop thinking about him and every time I do, tears well in my eyes. I just think about all the things he's said to me, and how he seduced me (which was exactly what he did to me, I've worked that out), and how I even let myself let him, because it's made this whole thing worse.

The reason?

Was because he became a part of me, he discovered me, for that one time I felt true love and now it's hell. I keep dreaming about us together and it just...makes everything worse because I wake up thinking that it's real and when I realise that it's not, I just lose it.

I can't live like this, and I won't let myself.

But I still love him. I can't help it.

I wish I didn't love him as much as I do. I wish I didn't do all the things that I did with him. I wish I didn't kiss him that day in the dressing room. I wish I didn't tell him that I loved him that day in the dressing room. I wish I wasn't so adamant on wanting him to love me back, because all it's caused me is pain and hurt and sadness.

He's not around anymore, and I can't even talk to him anymore, so there's not really a hell of a lot that I can do but just forget this whole thing we've got going and brand it as nothing more than just a fling. An affair on his behalf, and a sexual awakening on mine.

Well, that doesn't mean I'm going to go out there and find another man to love, because I'm not. He's the only man that I've ever loved in my life. I think it's best if I just go out and find a nice girl. That'll make life a hell of a lot more easier for me.

But will it?


Date: April, 2001
Time: Night
Place: Bathroom
Mood: Horrible
Weather: Horrible


Still haven't heard from Kevin.

It's now been five days since our last conversation.

I can't keep going on like this. And I won't. I won't let myself be used like this, be screwed around with, let someone mess with my head as much as he is. I figure he's pretty much forgotten all about me since Kristin came back, and I accept that. It's taken me a long time to say that, but if he's forgotten me, there's nothing that I can do about it than just smile, nod, and cry silently, inwardly, and forget about the things I've felt for him, the things I've done with him, and just let myself live, pain-free, for a while.

And so, I've come up with a remedy.

I'm currently staring at a bottle of sleeping pills and a tall, glass bottle of Russian Vodka. This is my remedy. Do you think that if I doubled the dosage, that would knock me out cold, maybe even hospitalise me? Maybe even kill me? Do you think anyone would miss me? Kevin wouldn't, I know that for sure. He's too busy with his wife. And no one has even bothered to call me.

Not Howie. Not Brian. Not even A.J. And God, I think I've lost all my friends. I've lost Kevin and my friends. Life's quickly getting the best of me, depression is quickly making me a victim, and these pills and Vodka seem to be the only thing comforting me, talking to me, wanting to talk to me, wanting to be around me.

So, diary, this could be my last entry. Forever. And so, I'll give you some famous last words to remember me by, if anyone manages to find this and read this, which they won't, I can guarantee that for damn sure. I mean, nobody's bothered to even know about me, my best friend's don't care enough to talk to me, and Kevin's ignoring me, making it seem as though, to him, I don’t exist. And maybe I don't.

Maybe it would be better if I didn't exist. I think it would be better, so much better.

Nick’s famous last words: I’ve lived and loved, yet died trying to love.

I believe that if I did take these pills with this drink, everything would be easier and better for everyone who's in my life. It would stop me from being hurt, for one thing. It would stop Kevin from cheating on his wife. It would stop my friends from hating me but simultaneously helping them to ignore me, once and for all, and it would stop the world from hating me, if ever they found out what I was doing. Yes, it would be better if I took these pills.

Better.

So much better, better for everyone.

For the world.

For my family.

For my friends.

For Kevin.

For me.

So, it wouldn’t make a difference if I took one pill, or two, or ten, or twenty, or the whole bottle...