©Sweet Kisses™

~*~

Date: February, 2001
Time: 5 A.M.
Place: My room
Mood: Blissfully happy!
Weather: No idea (will update as day goes on)


Kevin asked me to stay in his room last night.

I said yes.

How could I not? I thought my life was over when I told him how I felt. I thought he'd never speak to me again. I thought he'd cry homophobia (or whatever) and make a run for it. But he didn't, because I kissed him. I kissed him in the way that I've been wanting to for what seems like forever. And the good thing is that he kissed me back. I could feel it, and I could sense it. He didn't pull away, he only pulled me closer.

I was a little nervous staying in his room, basically for obvious reasons. Here they are:

1. I've never done anything like this before
2. I was scared of myself around him
3. I was scared of him
4. I didn't want him to think I was just after a one-night stand (hell no!)
5. I didn't want to get caught

So there you have it, diary. I stayed in his room, and now I'm finally happy. He seemed really comfortable about this whole thing, and it had only been just over twenty-four hours after I had told him I loved him when he asked me to stay. Maybe he's considering loving me. Maybe he's thought about it and he's realising that he does care about me, even in the smallest measurement. He must have, because I remember him telling me once that he never invited anyone back to his room unless he felt something for them. That was a sign. A very good sign.

Not that I'm religious.

It was quite late and he walked straight into the bedroom. I watched him in pure awe as he took off his jacket (breathe) and a rush of heat flowed right through my body. I was happy. I was finally happy. He motioned for me to lay down next to him, which I did, and he stared straight into my eyes. He asked me how long I've loved him. I said forever. He smiled. I wondered if he thought about Kristin at all. Obviously not, because then he stood up and began to get undressed.

Damn. His body is just awesome. Beautiful. He's far too sexy to be human. And he stood over me, like a gorgeous Adonis and fully unaware of his beauty. He then laid back down, clad only in his black boxer shorts.

DEEP BREATHS!

Note to self: for the love of your sanity, calm the hell down!

He then moved closer to me and asked me why I was still dressed. I couldn't answer (yeah, funny how the voice disappears when you've got someone who's hotter than hell laying next to you). He pulled me closer and began to undress me. I could feel the warmth from his fingertips on my extremely-sensitised skin as he eased my shirt over my head and my pants over my legs, leaving me (also) in my boxer shorts. He leaned down and began to toy with a few front strands of my hair. He smiled into my eyes.

Utopia. Pure utopia.

Kevin told me that he's always had a soft spot for me.

Kevin told me I was beautiful.

I almost cried.

Nothing naughty happened last night (mind out of the gutter, diary, if you assumed anything more!), I just was so happy to be there. I finally got the chance to touch him. I finally got the chance to kiss him, but I hadn't (as yet) gotten the opportunity to be loved by him. He said once (a long time ago) that it would all happen when the time is right, and the couple just know (ahh yes, but what if I know?).

So I'm waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting...

He called me beautiful.


Date: February, 2001
Time: Afternoon
Place: Backstage
Mood: Average
Weather: Cool


I'm having a hard time, diary, keeping my eyes off Kevin during rehearsal and not remembering that night. He hasn't asked me to stay again, so I don't know what to feel or what to think. He's screwing with my head again. I'm not sure what I should do. Should I just go up to him and tell him that I want to stay again? Or should I ask him to stay in my room? I don't know, and I'm so confused. Like I said, I've never been in this situation before, so I don't know what to say or what to do or how to act around him.

Things are different.

I can just tell.

This is normal, right? This isn't wrong?

I wonder if Kevin has any doubts. Well, he should have more doubts than me. He's married, for Christ's sake! Screw blasphemy, I'm not an avid Christian (unlike Brian!). So I know I'm not normal, but I really do think that I'm in love with him. What am I saying? I think? I know. It's a fact and I proved that to him just a few nights ago. I wonder how he's taking all this. Maybe he's as unsure as I am. Maybe he just doesn't know what to think or what to feel. Maybe he's as confused as I am. Maybe he doesn't know what he wants. Maybe he's just doing this for kicks, to screw with my head even more.

But he wouldn't do that, would he?

I don't know.

He hasn't told anyone. No one's looking at me weird or giving me strange looks or even ignoring me. I have to be thankful for that much. Maybe he just doesn't know what it's like to be around me, just like I don't really know how to be around him. I'd prefer it if we learnt all that together (how fun!), but he doesn't seem to be understanding that. Maybe he's realising that he's pretty much cheating on his wife and, in the process, batting for the other team. I guess that didn't fit into his equation of a perfect fucking life-long plan!

Fucking perfectionist.

Anyway, what was I saying?

Oh, yeah. I'm confused, and I'm scared. Maybe I should tell him all this. I mean, hell, I've told him basically everything in the past. So how is this any different? I'm Nick Carter and I have a sense of ink! That's right, ink! Meanwhile, I keep staring at him and his beautiful body and dreaming about how much I loved kissing him and holding him and just laying in the same bed as him.

Basically, I got everything I wanted. But I wanted more. I wanted it to last forever. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted to hold him and touch him and kiss him and love him forever. Most of all, I don't want him to be married.

That's what's causing this.

I don't understand how all this could happen in just a short amount of time. I don't know how to handle it, and if Kevin's brushing me off, I fear that my inexperienced and fragile heart might shatter, with nothing to protect it from the fall.

Diary, do you think Kevin loves me?

Kevin, do you love me?


Date: February, 2001
Time: Late
Place: Kevin's room (a-hem!)!
Mood: Content
Weather: No clue (at a time like this, who really cares?)


Love those apologies.

Kevin came up to me after the show tonight and apologised. He said he was sorry for ignoring me, he just wanted to get everything straight with himself. I didn't blame him, and I don't care about the fact that he's married. I guess I love him too much to care.

Is that wrong?

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I don't know. Anyway, he asked me to stay again. I said yes (duh!). This time, we curled up on the couch together and his strong arms were wrapped tightly around me and I could feel him occasionally kissing the nape of my neck very, very gently. God, this was beautiful. He's beautiful. And I was so happy, my heart was brimming with joy.

I had my head placed against his chest and I could hear the beating of his heart. He started running his fingers through my hair, and I looked up and smiled. He smiled back and I leaned closer and kissed him softly. However, not everything stays soft and gentle and whatnot.

I wanted him, and I wanted him bad.

I slowly massaged his tongue with mine and I heard him let out a tiny moan through the kiss. Loved it. Loved it all. Everything then became quite physical and passionate between us, and our bodies pressed together in a need and desire to be part of each other (weird). I tangled my fingers in his longish dark hair and he did in mine. I moaned when he pulled me down tighter against him with a little force and I could feel my whole body wanting to explode and erupt with ecstasy.

He pushed me away. He pushed me away and sat up. He apologised for going so far so soon, but I reassured him that it was okay. I didn't mind in the least (he-he-he). He smiled and wrapped his arms around me again and kissed my bare shoulders (hello, ever heard of clothes, Nickolas?!) before pulling me tighter into his grasp.

I felt so safe, so content, so needed and so wanted. No one had ever made me feel like he had right then in my whole entire life. Never. So, I got into bed with him and the funniest thing was that it felt like the most natural thing in the world, like I'd been doing it forever. I kissed him and wrapped my arms around him before falling asleep.

So now I'm awake and sitting beside the bed, watching him sleep and writing to you, diary. I'm telling you everything. Honest! No shit, I am. He's the most pefect thing alive (and asleep!). His dark hair, his green eyes, his body, his scent, his smile, his laugh, his voice, everything.

The man's a living sex God. Laugh all you want, diary. He takes my breath away every time he looks at me or even when he talks to me. I just love him so much, it might even be scary. Is it possible to be too much in love?

I don't know.

Hang on...

Sorry, I just had to touch him to see if he was real.

He is.


Date: February, 2001
Time: Early
Place: Living room
Mood: Sad
Weather: The atomic number of Zinc is...(c'mon, it's early - gimme a break!)


Kevin toldd me last night that Kristin is coming to see him. Tonight, to be exact. And she's going to be with him for the next two days. Which means, me and Mr Adonis (cute name, no?) don't get to fool around behind everyone's backs. I'm going to miss him. And I'm hurting, because I keep having this mental image of the two of them together.

God, it's killing me.

He told me that he was going to miss me. He told me that he loved holding me and kissing me and waking up next to me (Houston...). He told me again that he was going to miss me and that he'd think about me all the time. I told him the same, and as he walked off, a single tear trickled down my face.

I hate him being married.

I want him to be mine, and only mine. But that's not fair, is it? I don't know. I'm still confused.

Oh, guess what else Kevin told me last night?

Kevin said that he's falling in love with me.