~*~

Date: February, 2001
Time: Midnight
Place: Kevin's room (Kevin decides to be Rip Van Winkle)
Mood: Sound
Weather: Stars, moon, sky...

Kevin and I had a really long talk tonight. And it was probably the thing we needed. We talked about absolutely everything that's important in a relationship (that's right, diary, we're now official). We set some ground rules and talked about what was going on between us and how we could go about doing all this in private. The subject of him being married came up more than once, and it seemed to be a highly touchy topic for the both of us, but we managed to get through it all.

He asked me if I considered him to be (what was the word he used...?) "different" than what I used to think of him. I said no. I admitted that he's possibly bi-sexual (you think?), but that's the worst he could be, and that wasn't a bad thing. He laughed and told me that if I had a problem with anything or with him, that I should just come out and say it. Nice theory. No sense in letting secrets kill a beautiful thing..

Kevin said he didn't like lying to everyone, and he didn't like to sneak around. Most of all, he hated lying to Kristin. I asked him when he was going to tell her. He said he wanted to tell her at the right time, which would be God knows when. He also said that even though it might hurt me, he didn't want his marriage to fail. I understood that. I did. I tried to put myself in his place and tried to imagine how he must feel with all this. I suppose it feels the same way that I did before I told him that I loved him.

I asked him tonight how all this happened between us.

He wrapped his arms around me and told me that he's been subconsciously in love with me forever, he just didn't know it until now. He said that, until now, he never really knew himself. He said that I bring out the best in him. He said that I can make him smile and laugh at the drop of a hat. He said that I make his whole body warm up at the sight of me. He said that I make him happy. He said that I complete him.

I ended up crying, and he comforted me in the best way possible. With kisses, of course, and lots of sweet whispered words. Nothing raunchy or anything, just a really sweet and innocent moment. He wiped my tears away and he said he didn't want me to cry. He said it made him upset. That made me cry all over again. I really can't believe it, diary, he loves me and now we're together. God, it's amazing.

Still, there's a little doubt in my mind. I mean, sure he might tell Kristin. But when? And for how long will I play this game of hide and seek while ruining a marriage? I guess I won't rest easy until we get a break and then we can really be with each other (hello, exactly what are you thinking of, Nick?).

Wish I could tell you.

Date: February, 2001
Time: 10: 56 A.M (to be exact!)
Place: Somewhere in the arena
Mood: Don't know (really)
Weather: Sunny

Note to self: if at first you don't succeed, deny, deny and deny again...

Howie (another one of my buddies, diary, but you knew that) came up to me just minutes ago while I was backstage. He looked pretty serious, which is really different for him. He gave me this look as if to say, "what're you doing?". But really, that look could mean a thousand things. Like, "what're you doing right now?" or "what're you doing tonight?" or "what're you doing with a married man?"

For me, I chose the latter. And here's some dialogue to enlighten you, diary.

He took a small breath. "Nick," he began softly, "I know what's going on."

That scared me, and I'm sure my face gave everything away. "What? What do you know about what's going on?"

His eyes kind of roamed around the place before he eventually looked at me. "I know what's going on between you and Kevin. I saw you sneaking out of his room this morning." He shook his head sadly. "Don't you know he's married?"

Oh, for fuck's sake, do I need to be reminded of this every single moment of every fucking day?! "Yes, I do," I whispered. "He's going to tell Kristin soon, too. And then we're going to tell everyone."

His eyes were still sad. Wonder why. "Nick, he'll never end things with Kristin and be with you. You should've figured that out by now."

"Why?" I countered. Of course he would. He would. "Why wouldn't he?"

"Because she can give him something that you can't. Something that he's wanted for his whole life. Something that he wants more than this."

I had no clues around this time of the conversation. No clues whatsoever. "And what's that?"

"Children."

But...?

Note to self (again): don't let this ruin your relationship with him. Talk it over. You have to.

Fuck you, Howie!

Date: February, 2001
Time: Late
Place: A deck
Mood: Sad/Angry/Confused....
Weather: Moon, stars, clouds...

I've been ignoring Kevin since Howie told me that.

And you know what, diary?

He's right. Kevin would never leave Kristin for me. There's a lot of things that he wants that only she can give him. I'm merely here to screw around with when he's feeling a little excited! He has no idea how much him being married is causing all of this.

And he has no idea how much I'll always be in love with him, no matter what.

He came to my room tonight and asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing and slammed the door in his face. I knew that would hurt him, and that's why I did it. But really, I guess I should've just talked it over rationally with him. I'm sure it would make me feel a hell of a lot happier than I am now. I'm depressed, and I'm nothing.

And now, I'm sad.

All because of Howie.

But Howie doesn't know what it's like. He doesn't know what it's like to just be around him. He has no fucking idea!

Is it so wrong to fall in love?

I can't take my eyes off him, and his beautiful green eyes were so sad when I slammed the door in his face tonight. He looked so sad. I wanted to cry, and I did. That's right, diary, not only does Nickolas Gene Carter have a sense of ink, but he now has a sensitive side.

When I closed the door on him, I did that whole crappy b grade movie thing and leaned against it and cried. I knew I should've told him what was going on and what Howie had said. Maybe then we could work it out together.

Me and my stupid fucking pride!

I'm sorry, Kevin. I'm so sorry.

Date: February, 2001
Time: Who cares?
Place: Yeah right...
Mood: Relevance?
Weather: Care factor?

D.E.P.R.E.S.S.E.D!

That's Nickolas Gene Carter in a nutshell.

Tears.

Please, let me be happy.

????????

Date: February, 2001
Time: 6:43 A.M.
Place: Living Room
Mood: Depressed
Weather: How the hell should I know?

12:45 P.M. ----- Still depressed, still missing Kevvin

2:56 P.M. ------ He still looks sad

5:19 P.M. ------ His eyes are so sad, he won't talk, and I can't talk for the words are long gone

Midnight ----- My heart is broken, shattered on the floor

Date: February, 2001
Time: 5 P.M.
Place: Limousine (cushy, huh?)
Mood: Unsure
Weather: Cloudy (now that's not ironic)

Well, well, well...

You can't keep away from him, can you?

Allow me to explain, diary.

I walked into rehearsal today and the first thing I saw was this beautiful creature sitting on the stage, with his legs curled up to his chest, and his head placed on his knees. No one else had arrived yet (ain't that a stroke of luck?). He looked like a sad little boy.

I decided to swallow my pride and go over to him. I placed my hand on his shoulder and he looked up at me. I couldn't speak. His eyes were red and bloodshot and his face was pale. Here's some dialogue that might interest you (and I seem to be giving that a lot lately):

"Do you have any idea what that did to me?" he whispered.

I think I have an idea. Being in love with him for a whole lifetime and no one knowing has given me a great idea. "Kevin, I'm sorry."

He stood up, his expression was still sad. "Why did you do it?"

"I'm just scared about this whole thing, and I thought people might be catching on." I wrapped my arms around his waist, and he didn't resist. "I'm just scared."

He placed his head on my shoulder and all of a sudden, he was crying and I was playing the comforting father role. What a reversal. "I thought you hated me. I thought you didn't love me anymore."

I stroked his hair soothingly. "Never." I kissed him softly. "Love you now, love you always."

He smiled and wrapped his arms around me. "Don't make me love you too much, Nicky," he teased gently and kissed me back.

So, all's well that ends well.

But still, he doesn't know why I slammed the door in his face or why I was ignoring him. He doesn't know. Should I tell him? At least then maybe we could get a few more things ironed out before we reach the point of no return. Anyway, I will tell him. Soon. I just have to find a way to tell him.

But what if Howie's right? What if he's doing this with me because he misses Kristin? I mean, we're both blonde. Resemblance factor here? I don't know, but I think the only way that this will be fixed is if I talk to him and we get this straightened out once and for all.

Because no one was around, we had the safety net of a few little kisses. God, I love him. I love the way he kisses me. I love the way he holds me in his arms. I love the way he says my name. I love the way he presses himself against me. I just love everything about him. There's not one thing he has that I don't love.

But Howie now knows and Kevin's still married.

~**~