© Sweet Kisses™

Date: March, 2001
Time: Morning
Place: Still at Kevin's
Mood: Happy
Weather: Sunny


Meow!

Okay, I guess I need to explain that.

The reason why I wrote "meow" is because we're going to get a cat. Yes, a little purring fluffball. Kevin said that we need female presence around here and I suggested a dog, but he's not too fond of that idea so I said a cat. We both agreed and so today, we're going kitty-hunting.

Kevin said, "it'll be like our own little baby."

Life has been treating me pretty great so far. Except for our little brush with Brian, but apart from that everything is going perfectly. And I'm really, really happy. It's so great being able to do things with him (a-hem) and not have to worry about people catching us or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time or trying to be discreet or watching our backs or even hiding our feelings.

It's just really great to be able to do all these things with him, like kiss him whenever I want to, hold him whenever I want to, talk to him whenever I want to, or just sit there in silence with his arms around me (and I love those moments - really). It's just beautiful, and yes, I am aware that I'm being incredibly girlie here, but who cares? Love will do that to you.

Hey, give Mr Van Winkle a huge round of applause for finally making it into the land of the conscious! He's now coming down the stairs, his hair's tousled, he has this sleepy look which is pretty damn sexy, and he's only wearing his boxer shorts.

I need to take a cold shower. A very, very, very icy-cold, artic-freezing shower. Uh-oh, he's now staggering in my direction.

Hmmmm...

He just threw himself into my arms and smothered me in kisses. Now he's disappeared into the kitchen in search of coffee. What can I say that I haven't said before? I'm his willing victim.

And now he's walking over to me again, this time with a cup in his hands. I think he's going to shower me with kisses again, he's got that crazy look in his eyes...


Date: March, 2001
Time: Late afternoon
Place: Kevin's (of course)
Mood: Still happy (I'm wondering how long that will last)
Weather: Colourful?


Niven.

We called her Niven. The kitty, that is.

We looked at a million and one kitty's. None of them really struck me as unique, I just felt bad for them having to be caged up all day and all night. Sad. When we had come to the last cage of the last pet place (I can't remember the name, pet place will suffice, I guess), there were four little kittens in there, and as soon as they saw me, they started scratching at the cage. And there was little Niven, sitting quietly at the back, staring up at me with her big eyes. I had to have her.

Kevin agreed, and that's why we named her Niven, because she's ours together. Just like Kevin said.

She's so cute and tiny, she can fit in the palm of my hand! She's grey, and she's got big blue eyes and she's a purring fluffball! She scratches everything like a nymphomaniac on death row and annoys me at 4 in the morning. If I don't wake up, she'll just meow in my face or try and bite me. She has no idea that we humans only sleep around 8 hours a day and that begins at night, not all day every day! The life of a cat. Eat, sleep, and be an absolute mental.

Kevin and Niven (there's going to be heaps of confusion with these two, I can tell) have already had a Kodak moment together. I walked into the bedroom to find Kevin dead to the world with Niven snuggled into his neck, who was exhausted from her manic behaviour of her new surroundings, and he had his hand across her, like he was trying to protect her.

I was thinking, "damn, where's my camera when I need it?"

But I think she's going to have quite a time with us. We make a great family.


Date: March, 2001
Time: Afternoon (again)
Place: Still at Kevin's
Mood: Still happy (redundant, of course)
Weather: Rain, thunder, lightning


Spent most of the morning in bed with Niven and Kevin (ahhh, see I knew it - confusion!). This morning was just one of those mornings where it's raining cats and dogs (metaphorically, of course) and there's thunder and lightning and there's nothing really better to do than just stay in bed. Kevin, on the other hand, was actually going to get up. But I had other plans. He said I was making him lazy (just between you and me, diary, I'm sure I can make him a hell of a lot more than lazy - if he gives me the chance), so in return, I made him breakfast.

He loved it. I was really content to just lay my head on his chest, listen to his heartbeat and talk to him while we watched the rain drops on the windows, and he made me feel even more content by toying with my hair and kissing me softly millions of times.

Actually, he asked me some very serious things. I guess as an official "couple" he feels now that he can ask me some rather personal (and I mean personal) questions. I was surprised (to say the least). He asked me, well...he asked me if I've ever had sex with a man before. I had no idea how to respond. Truth works is my motto, and here's some dialogue.

Kevin stared into my eyes. "No?"

"No. Is that a problem?"

He kissed me lightly. "Not at all." Then he kissed that hollow place on my neck, which he knows is one of my spots. "Actually, it's good. That means we can learn together, and it'll mean much more to the both of us."

He takes this rather seriously, doesn't he? "It's just sex."

"Yeah, for other people. But when we do it, it's going to be more than just sex. It's going to perfect. Just you and me. It's going to be an act of love and trust. It's going to be more than just sex, so much more..."

The words send shivers up my spine. But hang on, is he hinting?

Anyway, he gave me a confession. And here's some more dialogue. "You know, when I see a good looking guy, I find myself staring. But in the same way that I stare at a beautiful woman, you know? And the funny thing is that I don't care. Who really cares?"

I ain't objecting.

I was really glad he told me that, and I wasn't at all surprised or shocked, because I knew exactly how he felt. The topic of conversation (ie: sex) led to a rather long and languid making-out session (love those). There was nothing fast and furious and 'oh-my-God-get-your-clothes-off-right-now-because-I-want-you-so-bad' happening.

We were just content to kiss forever and we were both relaxed and happy and it was so good to be able to kiss him and be twisted in the sheets with him and not worry about someone catching us. We were able to find out what we like about each other, what we can do to each other (a-hem!) and what we're both comfortable with.

And in came Niven to interrupt everything, who curled up in between us, and Kevin and I just lay there, talking about whatever.

An announcement, made by Kevin.

"You're my boyfriend."


Date: March, 2001
Time: Morning
Place: My house
Mood: Strange/Sad
Weather: Cloudy (the weather finally interacts with my moods)


Welcome back.

I'm now at my house and I happen to bring two very meaningful things along with me. One happens to be the maniac, Niven (aka:fluffball!), and the other happens to be Kevin.

Actually, coming back here was all Kevin's idea. He said it was probably a good thing to stay here for while, just so that people don't think I've totally disappeared from society and dropped right off the face of planet Earth. Good idea, huh? The man has a brain. He's quite intelligent really (and I mean really).

I'm also Mr Popular, too! I had a million messages waiting for me. They were mostly from Brian. What started off with, "Hey, Nick, gimme a call - we'll get together", soon turned to "Where are you?" and "Are you ignoring me?" to "Are you dead?"

It really shook me up, and it made me think of when he called Kevin and asked where I was. Wouldn't he ask the others and they would soon realise that Kevin wasn't around either and conclude that I'm with him?

Shit.

Anyway, after I played the messages, Kevin saw the expression on my face and comforted me in the best way he knew how. With soft words and kisses. But it wasn't enough. I wanted more. I want more than that now. I want him, plain and simple, and in his full capacity. I want his love. The love he talks about giving to me when the time is right. Well, I'm more than ready and he's shown that too, so what's the problem?

Here's my theory:

Maybe he's realised that he's gay and that he's cheating on his wife and he's not strong enough to face all that. Maybe he's realised that if he does have sex with me, that'll really mean that he’s got me as his boyfriend and that he really is gay. Maybe he's realised that if he has sex with me, that'll really mean that he's cheating on his wife. Maybe he's realised that he can't bring himself to love me that much.

Maybe he's realised the full ramifications of this thing between us. Maybe he's realised that having sex with me would make him feel something other than love, something like disgust. For me, and for himself. Maybe he's realised the full situation, with all the lying and cheating, and he's not man enough to own up to it all.

Maybe he's ashamed.

Sorry for that tear drop on you, diary.

I don't want to believe this is true, but the sad thing is that he's done nothing to stop me from believing it.


Date: March, 2001
Time: Dusk
Place: My house
Mood: Deathly afraid
Weather: At times like this...


Busted.

Big time.

Howie just had to make an unexpected visit, didn't he? When he walked in (I really tried to stop him), he gasped and stopped suddenly when he saw Kevin, who had just stepped out of the shower, walking down the stairs in a towel. Kevin, too, stopped and gasped. I winced and tried to remain as calm as possible.

Yep, we've finally been caught. For real. And here's some dialogue to help.

"Nick, what're you doing?" he asked me, eyeing Kevin disapprovingly in his towel, and I told him to go get dressed, which he did. "Didn't I tell you before? What're you doing fucking someone who's married? And who's a man and your best friend!"

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ranter.

"Howie, we're not sleeping together, and I'm fully aware that he's married. And yes, he is my best friend, in every sense of the word."

Howie wasn't convinced. "You expect me to believe you're not screwing him when he comes out wearing a towel?"

"Believe what you want," I said and Kevin walked out in something more than a towel. Clothes. "Look, I can't explain it, but it's happened. Is that so bad?"

"Kristin know about this?" Howie asked Kevin.

"No, but she will, as soon as she comes back," Kevin said and stood close to me.

"How could you do this?" he asked me in disbelief. Then he looked to Kevin. "How could you do this to your own wife? Okay, cheating on her with another woman, I could possibly handle. But with a man? Did you forget the part in your vows that says 'til death do us part'?"

"Hey," Kevin warned, "you, nor I, are perfect and you can't tell me how to live my life. Like I said, Kristin's going to find out in due time. One way or another, this will all be sorted out, once and for all."

Things were very awkward between us, and we were all overcome with silence. That is, until I spoke. "Can you please keep this to yourself for the time being? Please?"

Howie bit down on his lower lip, pondering. "I don't know," he said finally. "I just can't believe that this is happening. I'm not sure that I can look at the two of you in the same way again. I just...I can't do it."

So I sat him down and we both told him the story of how, with just one kiss, Nickolas Gene Carter and Kevin Scott Richardson had fallen in love. And he responded by shaking his head sadly and walking out.

God? If you're there, please tell me that he understood.

And if he doesn't, please help him understand.

I don't want to leave.