©Sweet Kisses™

~*~

Date: April, 2001
Time: Morning
Place: Back at Kevin's
Mood: Weird
Weather: Raining


April Fools!

Sorry for my lack of writing and keeping you updated on the whole "Nick and Kevin Vacation", but things have been very crazy, which has a whole lot to do with Howie. And God, I pray that he'll keep his big mouth shut, at least until we can get this whole thing sorted out between us. And yet, I want him to tell everyone, because I hate sneaking around, and yet I don't want him to tell everyone because I don't want this thing to end between us. It's just been the best month of my life.

We've just been doing everything together (a-hem!). Like, for instance, last night we went to the beach before sunset, started a fire and toasted marshmallows before the sun went down. And then we just sat there, wrapped together in a blanket, and just talked forever. And I was just so happy, like I felt that life was worth living for those kind of moments.

Niven's being an absolute mental still, but Kevin loves her (well, he doesn't at 3 in the morning) and she loves Kevin. She attacks him and it's just so cute. She's the most gorgeous thing alive. Well, apart from Kevin, that is. Now, who in the world is more gorgeous than him? No one, of course.

Anyway, he's asleep right now, absolutely dead to the world. He looks so beautiful sleeping. Am I getting a little corny here, diary? I think I am, aren't I? Oh well, as I've said before, love will do that to you.

So, here's the big, bad news. We have six days left together. Let's hope we make it special.

Fingers crossed.


Date: April, 2001
Time: Afternoon
Place: Kevin's bed
Mood: Weird (again)
Weather: Cloudy


Niven's sitting next to me here on the bed, and Kevin just left. Actually, the whole thing is really bizarre. Brian called and then all of a sudden, Kevin grabbed his jacket and keys and just ran out. I was like "huh"? and he said he'd be back. I wonder where he disappeared to. This is really weird. I'm scared, too. I wonder if...no, Brian wouldn't know, would he? That wouldn't be the reason why Kevin ran out like that? And he didn't even kiss me goodbye.

Shit. He must know.

I'll update as soon as this whole thing is done with.

9 P.M. ----- Kevin's still not back, and his cell is mysteriously turned off. Okay, so I'm really, really scared now. I wonder what's going on. And he's not back, and Brian called, and he must have been the reason why Kevin left, and he...knows. He must, or else Kevin would be back by now. Shit. I wonder what they're saying.

Maybe Kevin's saying, "No, I'm never leaving Kristin for Nick." Shit (again). I felt slightly sick now. Excuse me.

Past Midnight ------ Kevin's car just pulled up.

2 A.M. ----- Okay, so I probably just had the biggest screaming match of my life. Kevin was hopelessly drunk and reeked of Bourbon. He stumbled in and I just completely lost my cool and just...screamed. We shoved each other around and screamed for ages. He said "you're not my goddamn keeper, leave already if you're not happy!" after I threatened to do just that.

And I think I would've, if Kevin hadn't have tried to walk up the stairs and fell over like a silly drunk. It kind of scared me, so I helped him up to bed where he could sleep it off. I feel sorry for him, having a wife and me can’t be easy, and not knowing which one to choose would be painful.

Maybe if that was me, I'd drink, too.

While I was taking off his clothes (ke-he-he), he grabbed hold of my shirt. "I'm sorreeeeee, Nickeeeeeee...please don't leave me...please...I'd die if you did...please don't leave..."

I told him the best thing was for him to sleep.

And he is, soon to have me next to him.


Date: April, 2001
Time: 8:56 A.M.
Place: Kevin's couch
Mood: Better
Weather: Finally sunny again


Kevin hasn't woke up yet. I tried to wake him up, you know, by kissing him and that didn't work. He just continued laying still. So then I tried to wake him up by whispering naughty words into his ear and that didn't work, either, so I thought that the best thing for him was to just sleep as long as he has to. Well, Niven's here to keep me company, and I'm going to demand that Kevin tell me everything when he wakes up, so let's hope he has a damn good reason.

12:13 P.M. ---- Kevin woke up a little while ago, he's in the shower now, with a massive headache (attention Tylenol). Anyway, he stumbled down the stairs, looking terrible (like shit, actually), and he told me the whole story.

He said that Brian asked Howie whether or not he'd seen either Kevin or me. Howie apparently said "why don't you ask them yourself" and so that's why Brian called, to see what Howie was talking about.

And Kevin lied.

He said "how the hell would I know where Nick is?" And that's why Kevin went out drinking, because he had to lie about us and he didn't want to, and he was confused about everything.

Meaning: who's better for him.

Me, or Kristin.

He started crying. "I'm sorry, Nick," he sobbed quietly, holding on tightly to my hands (cutting off the circulation). "I don't want to lie anymore, but I can't help it! I don't know what to do!"

And so all I did was lay back on the couch with him in my arms while he cried, thinking that this would have to be our most intimate moment yet.


Date: April, 2001
Time: Morning
Place: Still at Kevin's
Mood: A lot better
Weather: Still sunny


Things are better now, and I feel a lot closer to Kevin (if that's possible). We had another one of our conversations, just to get everything cleared up. And a good thing came from all of that. Kevin's now promised me that when Kristin comes back, he's going to tell her everything, regardless of how it all goes with her.

And that's good. But the bad thing is that he still hasn't decided who he wants. It's like he's got me hanging on string or like I'm a puppet, something he can just play around with when Kristin is away. And I don't want that. I don't want to be something someone just plays with during the off-season.

He has no idea how that makes me feel.

Anyway, so I don't completely lose it and break down into tears, I'll move on. We're going hiking today! I know, I know. Since when am I the nature-loving type? Well, since now. I think that all has to do with Kevin, I guess. What am I saying, I think it does? I know it does.

And now he's walking down the stairs. I try to be mad at him, and I try to hate him, but I can't. I just look into his eyes and everything melts away.

I wish he didn't do that to me.


Date: April, 2001
Time: 1:32 P.M.
Place: Kevin's
Mood: Sad
Weather: Sunny (repetitive, huh?)


It's our last day together, and I'm sad because being with him has made me so happy. I don't think that I've ever been as happy as I've been with him. Everything is going to be so painful from now on, because Kevin's going back to his wife and I'm going back to nothing. I'm going to be alone. I hate being alone. It's the worst thing in the world. I won't have a reason to wake up in the morning.

I HATE BEING ALONE.

Kevin's acting really weird today. First of all, he woke me up by singing to me. No big deal, but it was nice. I keep catching him giving me these weird little smiles and every time I'm near him, he has to do something to me that involves bodily contact. I don't get it. Maybe he's just trying to say that he loves me, no matter what happens.

God, I hope so.

Anyway, packing up tomorrow morning is going to be hell. Saying goodbye is going to be worse. And him not being around is going to be torture. He said it won't change anything, but I know it will. Who's he kidding? Him going to back to Kristin is going to change everything! I've actually thought of telling Kristin the whole thing myself. HA! But then Kevin would hate me and he'd never want me then.

I'm so confused.

And Kevin's still giving me these weird little looks.

What a strange, strange man.


Date: April, 2001
Time: 3:11 A.M.
Place: Kevin's bedroom
Mood: Ecstatic
Weather: At times like this...

OH MY GOD.

Something big, something drastic, something astounding has happened, diary! Should I tell you or should I make you withstand the suspense? Okay, I'm dying here so I'm going to have to tell you. Brace yourself, diary, you'll get the shock of your life (I sure as hell did!). Okay, here it is...

There was a reason why Kevin was acting the way he was, and you want to know why? Simply because of this: he was planning to sleep with me.

And that's why I said OH MY GOD.

And it was better than I imagined and he was just amazing. Now I know why Kristin must love him like she does, and now I know that I'm in way too deep and there would be no way that I'd ever stop this, even if I tried.

And here's how it all went.

I was sitting there on the couch, with Niven in my lap, and he came along and took her away before kissing me softly. But it happened to be one of those kisses that grows deeper with each moment, and he dragged me up the stairs and into the bedroom where he had started a fire. How nice. He pushed me down onto the bed and crawled over me. He stared down into my eyes, my heart was racing.

"I'm gonna love you, Nicky," he said and ran his hands up my shirt. "I'm gonna love you and kiss you and touch you...do you want me to?"

Did I want him to? What kind of a question was that? "Only if you treat me good," I teased.

He seemed to like that. "Baby, I'm going to treat you so good..."

I had never experienced anything like that before in my whole life. It was like he completed me, like I was missing something and he filled a void within me. It was more than beautiful, it was heaven.

Utopia.

Now I truly believe how people seem more perfect after sharing something like this, because if I thought he was perfect before, he's more perfect now. And I love him. God, if I thought I loved him before, that was nothing to how I feel about him now. His body is wrapped in the black silk sheets and he just looks so peaceful. He's made me so happy.

Don't leave me alone, Kevin.

Please.

I hate being alone.

~**~