Fred and Harry took their lunches to the local cafe to eat. "Hey!" shouted the proprietor. "You can't eat your own food in here!" "Okay," said Fred. So he and Harry swapped their sandwiches.

A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

Two blonds were traveling in a car to Disneyland. They were traveling along the freeway and were almost there, when they came to a sign which said "Disneyland Left". SO they turned around and drove home.

A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold beer.
The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't sell you that drink."
The hamburger thought about this for a second and said, "I'm over 21. Why can't you sell me a drink?"
After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."

Computer Skills
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards.
They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said.........
"Jesus saves."

Sister Logic and Sister Math were walking down the street, running some errands for the convent. Sister Logic asks Sister Math if she had seen that a guy had been following them for the last 15 minutes.
Sister Math: "Sister Logic, and what will happen?"
Sister Logic: "Well, the Logic thing, he will reach us"
Sister Math: "yes, at this pace he will reach us in less than 15 minutes, maybe we shall better walk faster".
They start walking faster, and they notice that the guy is walking faster too.
Sister Math: "Why did he start walking faster, too?"
Sister Logic: "it's logic, he is following us"
Sister Math: "What is he following us for?"
Sister Logic: "Well, he obviously wants to abuse us"
Sister Math: "And what are we supposed to do now?" Sister Logic: "Well, he can't follow two people at a time. Let's split."
Sister Math: "OK, let's split. See ya in the convent"
Sister Logic nodded back, and they split. The guy started following Sister Logic. Sister Math got back to the Convent to tell the other nuns and try to get some help. She was surprised to see that Sister Logic was there already.
Sister Math: "Sister Logic!! You're here! And you look fine!"
Sister Logic: "Yes, thank you"
Sister Math: "Well what happened?"
Sister Logic: "The logic thing, he reached me."
Sister Math: "OH Lord! And what happened!?"
Sister Logic: "The logic thing, I lifted my habit"
Sister Math: "OH Lord! And what happened next!?"
Sister Logic: "The logic thing, he pulled down his pants."
Sister Math: "OH Lord! And then what happened!?"
Sister Logic: "Well, the logic thing, I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down!"

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across Florida and were nearing a town spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it; KISS-a-me, kis-A-me, or kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress, "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that we can understand." The waitress looked at him and said, "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

A Cold Blonde Story

A blonde woman wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after gathering all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly-------from the sky-----a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moves further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said "Is that you Lord? "The voice replied: "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!"

Excuse this joke in Québécois... It is specially for my French-speaking friends.

Oui, je suis exténué! Déprimé!
Autrefois, je croyais que c'était la faute de la société, de la politique, de la morosité ambiante, des journées trop courtes. Mais je m'étais trompé, maintenant je sais.
Je travaille trop.
Nous sommes 30 millions de Canadiens
Si on exclu les 7 millions de retraités
Si on exclu les 6 millions d'enfants
Si on exclu le million provenant des Maritimes
Si on exclu les 2.7 millions de chômeurs
Si on exclu les 3.6 millions d'assistés sociaux
Si on exclu 2.3 millions de fonctionnaires
Si on exclu 5.3 millions d'incapables
Si on exclu les 499,998 étudiants qui ne foutreront jamais rien.
Il ne reste que deux personnes, sur qui repose l'avenir du pays.

TOI et MOI
Et alors que je travaille comme! un cave Toi tu restes planté là, à lire s't'osti de papier, pis à perdre ton temps
PAS SURPRENANT QUE JE SOIS FATIGUÉ!!

Four Catholic moms are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'
The third Catholic woman says smugly,"Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'6," Blond, Blue eyed, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say............. "OH, MY GOD!!!!!"

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole she ate.
The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and she lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A little girl answered the phone whispering, "hello". A man's voice said, "IS YOUR MOTHER THERE?" "yes", said the little girl.
"LET ME SPEAK TO HER!", said the man. "oh, she's busy", replied the little girl.
"WELL, IS YOUR FATHER THERE?", asked the man. "yes, but he's busy, too." replied the little girl still whispering.
"IS THERE ANYONE ELSE THERE?" "a policeman and a fireman"
"WELL, LET ME TALK TO ONE OF THEM!" "they're busy, too".
"WHAT ARE THEY DOING?" "they're looking for me."

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, It will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.....
You either married it or gave birth to it.

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

An antibush joke.
An Israeli doctor said "medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "that's nothing!". In Germany, "we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "in my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks".

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah!". We are about to take an a**hole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

An anti clinton-gore joke.
The Clintons (Bill, Hillary and Chelsea) and Gore were on the same plane. Bill Clinton said, "I could throw a 10,000 dollar bill through the window, and make someone very happy." Gore then said, "I could throw 10 1000dollar bills through the window, and make 10 people very happy." Hillary then said, I could throw 100 100dollar bills through the window, and make 100 people very happy." Chelsea, who wasn't particularly enjoying the conversation said, "I could throw you all three of you through the window, and make the whole country happy!".
A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where henoticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed, since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

Signs Found In Kitchens
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
12. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressedas follows:
GOD
c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat among her workmates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read, "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those bastards at the post office."

BRINGING THE FAMILY TOGETHER
An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we'regetting a divorce.
I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shocklater when I moveout."
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this!"
She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night."
The father agrees. He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes. I'm just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

George W. Bush was out walking when he saw Moses. "Hey, Moses! STOP!!" he yelled. But Moses walked on, ignoring him. After a few blocks, Bush caught up with him. "Moses, why didn't you stop and talk to me?" asked Bush.
"Well," Moses replied, "the last time I talked to a bush, I wandered the desert for 40 years."

A man was complaining:
Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meantime my wife stays at home, I would give anything if you would grant me one wish "switch me into my wife" she's got it easy at home I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish.
Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market.
It was 1: 00 o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school had an argument with the kids.
As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep.
At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and some how he managed to get them done and finally fell a sleep.
The next morning he prays to God once again: Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please.
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying: Dear son, of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail: you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.

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