My Collection of Cool Quotes
The opinions expressed here are not necessarily mine - I haven't even read
them all. If you find any of this material offensive then please feel free to
stop reading.
While you live, Drink! - for, once dead, you never shall
return.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the
operation of life.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; coincidence?...
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time -
Catherine Zandonella
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of
alcohol.
I never drink anything stronger than gin before
breakfast.
What contemptible scoundrel has solen the cork to my
lunch? - W. C. Fields
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have
given us stomaches - David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes - Oscar Wilde
"I'd prefer to have a full bottle in front of me than
a full frontal lobotomy." - Jack Nicholson
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
One more drink and I'd be under the host - Dorothy
Parker
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few
drinks behind - Humphrey Bogart
Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything
in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat - David Geary
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it
from urine - David Moulton
A drink a day keeps the shrink away - Edward Abbey
People who drink light beer don't like the taste
of beer; they just like to pee a lot - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week
without drinking.
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as
much as you.
University is a fountain of Knowledge... and the
students are there to drink.
Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak
ones.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Don't drink and park; accidents cause people.
"I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has
taken from me." - Winston Churchill
"One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not
enough." - James Thurber, American humorist (1894-1961)
"Young men are apt to think themselves wise enough, as
drunken men are to think themselves sober enough." - Earl of Chesterfield
"Wine is as good as life to a man, if he drink
moderately; what life is then to a man without wine? For it was made to make men
glad" - Ecclesiasticus Ch 17
"What pleases men most is old wine and young women" -
Herodotus, Histories
"Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet
my mind and say something clever" - Aristophanes: Knights
"No verse can give pleasure for long, not last, that is
written by drinkers of water" - Horace
"He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise and stand
and shout for more" - Ogden Nash
"You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without
holding on" - Dean Martin (in NBC interview)
Water for oxen, wine for men - Spanish proverb
There's no wine in heaven, let's drink it here on earth.
- French proverb
Nothing equals the joy of the drinker, except the joy of
the wine being drunk - Old Bulgarian proverb
Good wine praises itself - Arab proverb
Only the first bottle is expensive - French proverb
Drink a glass of wine after your soup and you steal a
rouble from the doctor - Russian proverb
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation
Any given program costs more and takes longer each time
it is run.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useful, it will have to be documented.
Any given program will expand to fill all the available
memory.
Computing power increases as the square of cost.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more
unreliable.
There's always one more bug.
It works better if you plug it in.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
If it looks tough, it's damn near impossible.
Adding manpower to late software makes it later.
Whatever you did, that's what you planned.
Our computer has never had an undetected error.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out
the window.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a
computer.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from
a feature.
The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes
around it.
EMAIL - when it absolutely positively has to get lost at
the speed of light.
A Big Mac, french fries and a large Coke!
A Macintosh a day keeps Apple Happy and Rich!
A supercomputer is a machine, that runs an endless loop
in just 2 seconds.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
"Bother," said Pooh, as he deleted UNIX from his
machine.
Compassion -- that's the one thing no machine ever had.
Complexity of a Mac user:- The number of buttons on the
mouse.
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
Data convinces the Coke machine that Pepsi is better.
Data convinces the Pepsi machine that Coke is better!
EMACS: "Eight Megs And Constantly Swapping"
Go not to the machines for counsel, for they will say
both 0 and 1.
God is real, unless declared integer.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of
man.
How can you respect a machine controlled by a mouse?
IBM: Its Better Manually
IBM: Its Being Mended
IBM: Intercourse Beats Masturbation
IBM: Intimidation By Marketing
IBM: Ishoulda Boughta Mac
IBM: It's Broken Man
IBM: Inferiorly Built Machine
IBM: I befriended Microsoft (remember 1980?)
IBM: I'd Buy Macintosh
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
IBM: Institute of Black Magicians
IBM: In Being Mended
I didn't write this; a very complex macro did.
I want my data back, machine, and I want it now!
If a train station is where the train stops, what's a
work station?
Intel: Putting the "backward" in "backward compatible".
Its only a macro, only a macro, only a macro...
Just a 2 bit programmer on a 32 bit machine.
Let the machine do the dirty work (Elements of
Programming Style).
Macintosh: Machine Always Crashes If Not OS Hangs
Macintosh error message: "Like, dude, something went
wrong."
Macintosh, adj. The excuse for not wanting to learn
computing.
Macintosh: The etch-a-sketch you don't have to shake to
clear the screen!
Macintosh: Computer With Training Wheels You Can't
Remove
Machine language programmers do it very fast.
Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing
machine.
Modem - Monumentally Overpriced Data Eating Machine
Newton: A pocket-sized Machine That Goes Ping!
Real programs don't eat cache.
The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to
choose from.
The only good Mac is a big Mac!
Unix: When you can't afford the very best.
"What a depressingly stupid machine," said Marvin and
trudged away.
Windows 3 - the MAC for the rest of us!
Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers.
Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with
a sledgehammer.
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only
the third one works.
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to
make one believe in God.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool
will want to use it.
To understand recursion one must first understand
recursion.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are!
Windows: Just another pain in the glass!
Who's General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because
fools are so ingenious.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are
lousy actors.
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
Beware the information super-cliche!!
It's a FLAW, dammit, not a bug!
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be
kicked.
Go not to Usenet for counsel, for it will say both no,
and yes, and no, and yes, ...
Program: the conversion of input into error messages.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is
insufficiently advanced.
Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real
computers act like the ones in movies.
Calm down - it's only ones and zeros!
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
Do witches run spell checkers?
My software never has bugs. It just develops random
features.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted - Cereal port not responding.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Error reading FAT record; try the SKINNY one (Y/N)?
Read my chips; no new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
If hardwear overheats, does it turn into software?
He's dead Jim. You get the tricorder, I'll get his
wallet.
Enter any 12-digit prime number to continue.
Error reading FAT Table. Try Skinny one? (Y/N).
Error: General Protection Fault. Condom not installed.
Is OS/2 only half an operating system?
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better
idiot.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things which
aren't broken.
Air-conditioned environment - do NOT open Windows.
All computers wait at the same speed.
All you need to know is the user interface.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a
paperless bathroom.
A program is never finished until the programmer dies.
A user-friendly computer first requires a friendly user.
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are
transmission errors.
Every time I type win I lose!
How an engineer writes a program: start by debugging an
empty file.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
User error: replace user and press any key to continue.
What boots up must come down.
"`Automatic' simply means that you can't repair it
yourself." - Mary H. Waldrip
"An expert is someone who knows some of the worst
mistakes that can be made in his subject and how to avoid them." - Werner
Heisenberg
"Any smoothly functioning technology will have the
appearance of magic." - Arthur C. Clarke
"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." -
Isaac Asamov.
"It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because
fools are so ingenious" - anonymous
"Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a
pathological criminal." - Albert Einstein
"The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do
not. We have plenty of messenger boys." - Sir William Preece, chief engineer of
the British Post Office, 1876
"The fault lies not with our technologies but with our
systems." - Roger Levian
"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires
a computer." - anonymous
"When I was a kid, my parents told me what to do. When I
went to school, my teachers told me what to do. Now I'm married, and my husband
tells me what to do. I'm not going to use a computer and let it tell me what to
do." - Anonymous
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -
Hunter S. Thompson, American journalist.
"You simply cannot understand psychedelic drugs, which
activate the brain, unless you understand something about computers." - Timothy
Leary
"If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut
must cost $31 billion" - Dennis Miller
Keyboard: Device used to enter errors into the computer
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates,
1981
"DesqView!" ... Gesundheit.
"Me hav'em heap trouble." - Tonto the programmer
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power
cord.
A fatal error has been detected. Call mortician (Y/N)
...... hello?
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
A Scotty error has occurred an' Ah kent chenge the laws
o' physics!
Access denied: nah nah na nah nah!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
ATTORNEY.LAW found...(A)bort (R)etain (S)ue
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay!
BASEBALL.BAT found, executing STRIKE.ONE
BEER.CAN found ... User loaded
BENJI.COM found...%&#&!
$ Lost terrier
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100%
compression
Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore....
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to
go!
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
C code. C code run. Run, code, run ... PLEASE!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Chernobyl used Windows to monitor their reactors.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
COFFEE.MUG missing, user halted
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers don't byte, they just nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
CONFIG.SYS complete. CONFIG.BRO? (Y/N)
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Definition: Computer - A device designed to speed and
automate errors.
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
E Pluribus Modem
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Error - BEER.CAN contains a null value. User not loaded
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Eunuchs, the non-gender-specific OS
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
I/O, I/O, it's off to work we go...
ID10T error at keyboard; replace user, strike any key
when complete
Keep the CPU virgin, do not remove HIMEM.SYS
KLANS.MAN found, unable to open MIND
Klingon error: Strike any other user to continue.
LIFE.EXE found...download now? (Y/N)
Mary had a little RAM- about a MEG or so.
Modem is not responding... Send APB for serial killer
(Y/N)
Mouse found, place in maze (Y/N)
MOUTH Opened...Insert FOOT? (Y/N)
Not tonight dear.... I have a modem.
Old McDonald had a computer, with EIA I/O.
One if by LAN, 2 if by C, 3 if by ERR.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Press < CTRL-ALT-DEL > to continue...
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
PTOMAINE found (A)bort (R)egurgitate (P)uke
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to
DOS...
SHOT.GUN found...Programmer executed
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
Backup not found: (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)hrowup
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then
programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of
conversing with inanimate objects
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to
write, it should be hard to understand."
SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by
children.
System error. Press F0 to continue.
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK
CRASHING.
Taco Bell Laboratories: where UNIX programmers eat out.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its
electrical cord.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new
ones in.
The name is Baud... James Baud.
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world.
Please log off."
This virus requires Microsoft Windows 3.11
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
anothergame?
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
To return to the Home screen, close your eyes and press
escape three times.
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past
Due...
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or
filename!"
Why would somebody named Gates call his product Windows?
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now?
(Y/Y)"
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it?
(Y/N)"
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL &
PAPER.SYS)
Your web search has returned one VERY LARGE spider.
Execute QUICK.RUN? (Y/N)
SCSI: System Can't See It
WWW: World Wide Wait
There are 10 types of people in the world, those that
understand binary and those that don't
A man always has two reasons for what he does - a good
one and the real one.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as
much as you please.
Corruption wins not more than honesty.
Let your own discretion be your tutor.
Disinformation not as good as datinformation.
Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless
you stop peddling.
We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
The stone that is rolling can gather no moss.
Better a day of strife than a century of sleep.
Strike when the iron is hot.
Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.
No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.
It's easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
He who has health has hope; and he who has hope has
everything.
A goal is a dream with a deadline.
You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
"A great teacher never strives to explain his vision. He
simply invites you to stand beside him and see for yourself." - Reverend R.
Inman
"A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something." -
Frank Capra
"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval."
- Mark Twain
"Advice is like kissing. It costs nothing and is a
pleasant thing to do." - H. W. Shaw
"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence,
and then success is sure." - Mark Twain
"Always do right. This will gratify some people and
astonish the rest." - Mark Twain
"An artist never really finishes his work, he merely
abandons it." - Paul Valéry
"As you ramble on through life, brother, whatever be
your goal: keep you eyes upon the doughnut, and not upon the hole!" - Frederick
Philip Wertheimer, marketing director for the Doughnut Machine Corporation
(1927)
"Be an optimist--at least until they start moving
animals in pairs to Cape Kennedy" - Current Comedy
"Be happy. It is a way of being wise." - Colette
"Beauty is also to be found in a day's work" - Mamie
Sypert Burns
"Books are good enough in their own way, but they are a
mighty bloodless substitute for life." - Robert Louis Stevenson
"Character is what you know you are, not what others
think you have." - Marva Collins
"Compromise makes a good umbrella but a poor roof; it is
a temporary expedient." - James Russel Lowell, American editor (1819-1891)
"Discretion is the salt, and fancy the sugar of life;
the one preserves, the other sweetens it." - Bovee
"Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a
chasm in two small jumps." - David Lloyd George.
"Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for
that's the stuff life is made of." - Benjamin Franklin
"Every heart that has beat strong and cheerfully has
left a hopeful impulse behind it in the world, and bettered the tradition of
mankind." - Robert Louis Stevenson
"Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep
it a few minutes." - Edgard Varese
"Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It
is the only thing." - Albert Schweitzer
"God wisely designed the human body so that we can
neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily." - unknown
"Goodness is the only investment that never fails." -
Henry David Thoreau
"Harmony seldom makes a headline." - Silas Bent,
American writer (1882-1945)
"He is happiest who hath power to gather wisdom from a
flower." - Mary Howitt
"He whose face gives no light shall never become a
star." - William Blake, English poet and artist (1757-1827)
"I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday
and I love today." - William Allen White, American journalist (1868-1944)
"I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake
of claiming I never made one." - James G. Bennet
"I prefer the errors of enthusiasm to the indifference
of wisdom." - Anatole France
"I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can
borrow." - Woodrow Wilson
"I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm
on my way." - Carl Sandburg
"If a child lives with approval, he learns to like
himself." - Dorothy Law Nolte.
"If poetry comes not as naturally as the leaves to a
tree, it better not come at all." - John Keats
"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see
every problem as a nail." - Abraham Maslow
"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may
as well dance with it." - George Bernard Shaw
"If you're strong enough, there are no precedents." - F.
Scott Fitzgerald
"Imagination, not invention, is the supreme master of
art as of life." - Joseph Conrad, Polish-born author (1857-1924)
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert
Einstein
"In spite of everything I still believe that people are
really good at heart." - Anne Frank
"Iron rusts from disuse, stagnant water loses its
purity, and in cold weather becomes frozen, even so does inaction sap the vigors
of the mind." - Leonardo Da Vinci
"It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquillity and
occupation, that gives happiness." - Thomas Jefferson
"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with
one trifling exception, is composed of others." - John Andrew Holmes
"It's not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are
winners before the game even starts." - Addison Walker
"Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects." -
Anonymous
"Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the
whole world will be clean." - Göthe
"Let us so endeavor to live, that when we come to die,
even the undertaker will be sorry." - Mark Twain.
"Man is only happy as he finds a work worth doing, and
does it well." - E. Merrill Root
"Most of the evils of life arise from man's being unable
to sit still in a room." - Blaise Pascal
"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the
plot." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to
do, and they will suprise you with their ingenuity." - General George S Patton,
Jr.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your
consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm." -
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Nothing is more intolerable than to have to admit to
yourself your own errors." - Beethoven
"Rainbows apologize for angry skies." - Sylvia A. Viorol
"Real love stories never have endings." - Richard Bach
"Remember: the average is as close to the bottom as it
is to the top." - Anonymous
"Smart is when you believe only half of what you hear.
Brilliant is when you know which half to believe." - Orben's Current Comedy
"Some people strengthen the society just by being the
kind of people they are." - John W. Gardner
"Some people want to achieve immortality through their
works or their descendants. I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying." -
Woody Allen.
"The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient
while nature cures the disease." - Voltaire
"The coward regards himself as cautious; the miser, as
thrifty." - Publilius Syrus
"The greatness of a man can nearly always be measured by
his willingness to be kind." - G. Young
"The man who, in a fit of melancholy, kills himself
today, would have wished to live had he waited a week." - Voltaire
"The pyramids will not last a moment compared with the
daisy." - D. H. Laurence
"The world stands aside to let anyone pass who know
where he is going." - David Starr Jordan
"There is as much dignity in tilling a field as in
writing a poem." - Booker T. Washington
"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots
of old things we don't know." - Ambrose Bierce
"They always say that time changes things, but you
actually have to change them yourself." - Andy Warhol, American pop artist
(1928-1987)
"Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out.
That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die; and do not outlive
yourself." - George Bernard Shaw
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at
the stars." - Oscar Wilde
"We are continually faced with a series of great
opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems." - John W. Gardner
"We are what we pretend to be." - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
"What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in
the fight; it's the size of the fight in the dog." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
"What you get is a living; what you give is a life." -
Lilian Gish, American actress
"When one has good health it is not serious to be ill."
- Francis Blanche
"When things go wrong, don't go with them." - Anonymous
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth
shut" - anonymous
"When you're through changing, you're through." - Bruce
Barton
"Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit
is?" - Frank Scully
"Seize the day;trust the morrow as little as possible."
- Horace (65-8BC) Roman Poet
"There is a certain relief in change, even though it may
be from bad to worse." - Washington Irving (1783-1859) US Writer
"When I grow up, I still want to be a director." -
Steven Speilberg
Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.
They laugh that win.
It makes no difference whether you win or lose until you
lose.
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
How do you make a dog drink? Liquidize it!
What do you do if you see a space man? Park in it, man!
"Umm, trouble with grammar have I, yes?" - Yoda.
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
You can't have everything; where would you put it?
For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord.
A man once walked into a bar - and said 'Ouch!'
I sink, therefore I swam.
I'm against animal testing; either eat 'em or leave 'em
alone!
Never hit a guy with glasses; always use your fists!
I wouldn't touch the imperial measuring system with a
3.048m pole.
We should go metric every inch of the way.
Staring competition: Medusa-18901, Opponents-0
Owners of digital watches - your days are numbered!
82.8% of statistics are made up on the spot.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or
prohibited by law.
The shortest distance between two points is under
construction.
They say there is divinity in odd numbers.
A circle is a line of no depth running round a point
forever.
Infinity - where no-one can get, but where all lines
meet.
"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and
statistics" - Disraeli
Fifty percent of people have a below-average
understanding of statistics.
Maths and alcohol don't mix. Please don't drink and
derive.
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to
them they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
entirely different.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at maths.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into
theorems
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking
for a black cat which isn't there - Darwin
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Maths problems? Call 0800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality,
they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to
reality." - Albert Einstein
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as
much as you please." - Mark Twain
"Give me a lever long enough, and a prop strong enough.
I can single-handedly move the world." - Archimedes, Greek mathematician
(287?-212 B.C)
"I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the
problem" - Ashleigh Brilliant
"If I have seen farther than others, it is because I
have stood on the shoulders of giants." - Sir Isaac Newton
"It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of
leading causes of statistics." - Fletcher Knebel
"Logic is a system whereby one may go wrong with
confidence." - Charles Kettering
"No great advance has ever been made in science,
politics, or religion, without controversy." - Lyman Beecher, American clergyman
(1775-1863)
"The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out." -
Tennessee Williams
"The scientist is a lover of truth for the very love of
truth itself, wherever it may lead." - Luther Burbank, American horticulturist
(1849-1926)
"The shortest distance between two points is under
construction" - Noelie Altito
"The smallest fact is a window through which the
infinite may be seen." - Aldous Huxley
"There is something fascinating about science. One gets
such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact."
- Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
"Two and two continue to make four, in spite of the
whine of the amateur for three, or the cry of the critic for five." - Jame
McNeil Whistler
"Up is, by definition, the direction which broadens
horizons." - A. Cygni
Pie are not square! Pie are round! Cornbread are square!
Memory is a crazy woman who hoards coloured rags and
throws away food.
Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because
his memory is too good.
Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the
wish to forget it.
Happiness? That's nothing more than health and a poor
memory.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember
anything.
Knowledge is not what the pupil remembers but what he
cannot forget.
Education is what survives when what has been learnt has
been forgotten.
Money is like muck, not good except it be spread.
The more goods a man has, the more he thinks he needs.
The fly that sips treacle is lost in the sweets.
He is well paid that is well satisfied.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
Wealth is not his that has it, but his that enjoys it.
Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.
The love of money is the root of all virtue.
Make money and the whole nation will conspire to call
you a gentleman.
Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
Money can't buy you friends, but you get a better class
of enemy.
If possible honesty, if not, somehow, make money.
No bees, no honey; no work, no money.
Greed is envy's eldest brother.
Poor is the man in debt.
Look after your pennies, and your pounds will look after
themselves.
A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.
Happiness can't buy money.
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when
the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain." - Mark
Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
"A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever
heard of." - Jane Austin
"A young man with good health and a poor appetite can
save up money." - James Montgomery Bailey
"Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission." -
Fred Allen, American humorist (1894-1956)
"All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of
every organism to live beyond its means." - Samuel Butler
"Beware of little expenses; a small leak will sink a
great ship." - Benjamin Franklin
"Death and taxes may always be with us, but death at
least doesn't get any worse." - Los Angeles Times Syndicate
"Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do
without the necessities." - Frank Lloyd Wright
"I believe that every right implies a responsibility;
every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty." - John D.
Rockefeller
"I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous
to offer me the position." - Mark Twain
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man."
- Mark Twain
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing
a couple of car payments." - Earl Wilson
"Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy
fortune-tellers take economists seriously." - anonymous
"It is odd, is it not, that a person's worth to society
by is measured by their wealth, when instead their wealth should be measured by
their worth to society." - A. Cygni
"Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like
excess." - Oscar Wilde
"Money is like an arm or leg: use it or lose it." -
Henry Ford
"Money may be the husk of many things, but not the
kernel. It buys you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health;
acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not loyalty; days of joy, but not
peace or happiness." - Henrik Ibsen
"Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs
painting." - Billy Rose
"Rich men without convictions are more dangerous in
modern society than poor women without chastity." - George Bernard Shaw
"So far, I haven't heard of anybody who wants to stop
living on account of the cost." - Kin Hubbard
"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income
tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale." - Arthur C. Clarke
"The budget should be balanced, the treasury refilled,
public debt reduced, the arrogance of officialdom tempered and controlled, and
the assistance to foreign lands curtailed, lest Rome become bankrupt." - Cicero,
Roman statesman (106 B.C.-43 B.C.)
"The difference between a rich man and a poor man is
this: the former eats when he pleases, the latter when he can get it." - Sir
Walter Raleigh
"The future, according to some scientists, will be
exactly like the past, only more expensive." - John Sladek
"The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral
rights." - J. Paul Getty
"The middle class is always a firm champion of equality
when it concerns a class above it; but it is its inveterate foe when it concerns
elevating a class below it." - Orestes A. Brownson
"The trouble with the profit system has always been that
it was highly unprofitable to most people." - E. B. White
"The wisdom of man never yet contrived a system of
taxation that operates with perfect equality." - Andrew Jackson
"Try not to become a man of success, but rather, try to
become a man of value." - Albert Einstein.
"We have no more right to consume happiness without
producing it that to consume wealth without producing it." - George Bernard
Shaw.
"What's a thousand dollars? mere chicken feed. A
`poultry' matter." - Groucho Marx
"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard
work, ask him: `whose?'" - Don Marquis
"Wickedness is always easier than virtue; for it takes
the short cut to everything." - Samuel Johnson
"Work to become, not to acquire." - Confucius
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" -
Steven Wright
Patience is the honest man's revenge.
Patience is what you require when the fish are not
hungry.
Patience is a tree with sweet fruit, but bitter roots.
Nature, time and patience are the three great
physicians.
Genius is a superior aptitude to patience.
Beware the fury of a patient man.
To climb steep hills requires slow pace at first.
Those that with haste will make a mighty fire begin it
with weak straws.
Never say "Oops" always say "Ah, interesting"!
"Nonchalance is the ability to remain down to earth when
everything else is up in the air." - Earl Wilson
"People who never get carried away should be." - Malcolm
S. Forbes, American publisher.
"We must interpret a bad temper as a sign of
inferiority." - Alfred Adler, Father of individual psychology (1870-1937)
"You can tell the size of a man by the size of the thing
that makes him mad." - Adali Stevenson
"Men count up the faults of those who keep them
waiting." - French Proverb
"Better three hours too soon than a minute too late." -
William Shakespeare, The Merry Wives of Windsor
"Better late than before anybody has invited you." -
Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) US Writer
"Manners require time, as nothing is more vulgar than
haste." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can
in a week." - William Dean Howells (1837-1920) US Author
Be nice to people on your way up because you'll need
them on your way down.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why
practice?
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work,
ask him: `whose?'
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
Smile they said, for things could be worse. So I did,
and they were!
There's many a pessimist who got that way by financing
an optimist.
All sunshine makes a desert.
If it isn't one thing, it's another, unless it's
neither.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get
done.
Plan to be early, because you'll always end up late.
Sometimes the road is less travelled for a reason.
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway!
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
If something can go wrong, it probably will.
Optimism is the fear of fear.
Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils,
chooses both.
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and
the value of nothing.
Give space to time, and time will fill space.
Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect
to be paid back.
A pessimist thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and
hates them for it.
A torch is a case for holding dead batteries.
If Adam and Eve were alive today, they would probably
sue the snake.
There's many a slip 'twixt cup and lip.
There's no such thing as a free lunch.
Don't go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under
pressure!
Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel,
the roof caves in!
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do
it himself.
A committee is a group of men who keep minutes and waste
hours.
Experience enables you to recognise a mistake when you
make it again.
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs
repairing.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there
to appreciate it.
Life is a razor; you are always in hot water or a
scrape.
Don't drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence
that you tried!
True friends always stab you in the front.
"`It can't happen here' is Number 1 on the list of
famous last words." - David Crosby, rock singer and musician
"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking." - Arthur Block
"A conference is just an admission that you want
somebody to join you in your troubles." - Will Rogers
"A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a
bad novel tells us the truth about its author." - G. K. Chesterton
"A hospital is no place to be sick." - Samuel Goldwyn,
immigrant turned famous movie producer
"A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it
would be hell on earth." - George Bernard Shaw
"A nation . . . is just a society for hating
foreigners." - Olaf Stapledon
"Advice is seldom welcome; and those who want it the
most always like it the least." - Earl of Chesterfield
"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom." - Soren
Kierkegaard, Dansish Philospher (1813-1855)
"Any time you have influence, try ordering around
someone else's dog." - The Cockle Bur
"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he is
buying." - Fran Lebowitz
"Be nice to people on your way up because you'll need
them on your way down." - Wilson Mizner
"Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait." -
Stanislaw Lec
"Clear writers assume, with a pessimism born of
experience, that whatever isn't plainly stated the reader will invariably
misconstrue." - John R. Trimble
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody
may be looking." - H. L. Mencken
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over
if you just sit there." - Will Rogers
"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of
humor itself is not joy but sorrow." - Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
"Every age is fed on illusions, lest men should renounce
life early and the human race come to an end." - Joseph Conrad
"Every successful person has had failures, but repeated
failure is no guarantee of eventual success" - anonymous
"Exclusiveness is a characteristic of recent riches,
high society, and the skunk." - O'Malley
"Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you
the test first, and the lesson afterward." - Anonymous
"Farming looks easy when your plow is a pencil and
you're a thousand miles from a cornfield." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own
children have teenagers of their own." - Doug Larson
"Figure it out. Work a lifetime to pay off a house. You
finally own it and there's no one to live in it." - Arthur Miller, "Death of a
Salesman"
"Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that
everything he encounters needs pounding." - Abraham Kaplan
"Good judgement comes from experience; and experience,
well, that comes from bad judgement." - Anonymous
"Half a man's life is devoted to what he calls
improvements, yet the original had some quality which is lost in the process." -
E. B. White, American author (1899-1985)
"Human history becomes more and more a race between
education and catastrophe." - H. G. Wells
"I don't think anyone should write their autobiography
until after they're dead." - Samuel Goldwyn
"I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated
his ability." - Oscar Wilde
"I would rather be attacked than unnoticed. For the
worst thing you can do to an author is to be silent as to his works." - Samuel
Johnson
"I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a
member." - Groucho Marx
"If, while you are in school, there is a shortage of
qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with
the necessary qualifications, that field's employment is glutted." - Marguerite
Emmons
"If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it
easier to get to the airport." - George Winters
"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man
alive." - Samuel Goldwyn
"If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday
to any patient who considered his work important." - Bertrand Russell
"If you want a place in the sun, you've got to expect a
few blisters." - Dear Abby
"Is there life before death?" - Belfast Graffito
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it." -
Steven Wright
"It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when
they refuse to get in line." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"It's not the things we don't know that get us into
trouble; it's the things we do know that aint so." - Will Rogers
"Learning music by reading about it is like making love
by mail." - Luciano Pavarotti
"Life is an unbroken succession of false situations." -
Thornton Wilder, American playwright (1897-1975)
"Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young." -
Russell Banks
"Men don't change. The only thing new in the world is
the history you don't know." - President Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)
"No one really knows enough to be a pessimist." - Norman
Cousins
"Nostalgia is the realization that things weren't as
unbearable as they seemed at the time" - Anonymous.
"Often it is fatal to live too long. " - Racine
"Often you must turn your stylus to erase, if you hope
to write anything worth a second reading." - Horace
"One of the few rules of Evolution is that extreme
specialization results in eventual extinction." - Hardin
"Our existence is but a brief crack of light between two
eternities of darkness." - Vladimir Nabokov
"Over and over again mediocrity is promoted because real
worth isn't to be found." - Kathleen Norris, American author (1880-1960)
"People who feel well are sick people neglecting
themselves." - Jules Romains
"Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is
going to replace automation." - John Tudor
"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's
ignorance." - Confucius
"Really, we create nothing. We merely plagiarize
nature." - Jean Baitaillon
"Rivers in the United States are so polluted that acid
rain makes them cleaner." - Andrew Malcolm
"Scripture teaches us to be as wise as serpents and as
harmless as doves. All too often, [we] are as wise as doves and as harmless as
serpents." - Moishe Rosen
"Suicide is cheating the doctors out of a job." -
Billings
"Take care to get what you like, or you will be forced
to like what you get." - George Bernard Shaw
"The art of acting consists of keeping people from
coughing." - Sir Ralph Richardson
"The English certainly and fiercely pride themselves in
never praising themselves." - Wyndham Lewis
"The ladder of life is full of splinters, but they
always prick hardest when you're sliding down." - William Brownell
"The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar
doctrine that age brings wisdom." - H. L. Mencken
"The reason people blame things on previous generations
is that there is only one other choice." - Doug Larson
"The trouble with our times is that the future is not
what it used to be." - Paul Valéry
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win,
you're still a rat." - Lily Tomlin
"The two most important tools an architect has are the
eraser in the drawing room and the sledge hammer on the construction site." -
Frank Lloyd Wright
"The world has achieved brilliance without conscience.
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants." - Omar N. Bradley,
American general (1893-1981)
"There is a capacity of virtue in us, and there is a
capacity of vice to make your blood creep." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"There is no country and no people who can look forward
to the age of leisure and abundance without dread." - John Maynard Keynes,
English economist (1883-1946)
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all
its pupils." - Hector Berlioz
"Time is what we want most, but alas, what we use
worst." - William Penn
"We don't look for truths, just excuses." - A. Cygni
"Why is it that we rejoice at a wedding and cry at a
funeral? It is because we are not the person involved." - Mark Twain
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get
worse.
A Conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Testing people by exams is like testing digestion by
turd length!
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from
happening at once.
Philosophy is a good horse in the stable, but an arrant
jade on a journey.
Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the
misfortunes of others.
There is nothing so absurd that some philosopher has not
said it.
Philosophy is not a theory but an activity.
Leisure is the mother of philosophy.
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
Do invisible cats drink evaporated milk?
"I think not," said Descartes, and promptly disappeared.
You must believe in free-will; there is no choice.
"A large brain, like large government, may not be able
to do simple things in a simple way." - Donald O. Hebb
"A man can do what he wants, but not want what he
wants." - Arthur Schoperhauer
"A man who seeks truth and loves it must be reckoned
precious to any human society." - Frederick the Great.
"All men are equal; it is not birth, but virtue alone,
that makes the difference." - Voltaire
"All men naturally desire knowledge." - Aristotle, Greek
philosopher (384-322)
"Art is the lie that makes us realize the truth." -
Pablo Picasso
"Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you will cease
to be so." - John Stewart Mill
"Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think." -
Ambrose Bierce
"Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum: I think that I think,
therefore I think that I am" - Ambrose Bierce
"College isn't the place to go for ideas." - Hellen
Keller
"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." - Peter
Ustinov
"Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is Genius." -
George Bernard Shaw
"Creative minds always have been known to survive any
kind of bad training." - Anna Freud
"Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth." -
Lillian Hellman
"Every sentence that I utter must be understood not as
an affirmation, but as a question." - Niels Bohr, Danish physicist (1885-1962)
"Genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains." -
Jane Hopkins
"Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per
cent perspiration." - Thomas Alva Edison
"He who wonders discovers that this in itself is
wonder." - M. C. Escher
"I am not sincere, even when I say I am not." - Jules
Renard
"I don't necessarily agree with everything I say." -
Marshall McLuhan
"I got a simple rule about everybody. If you don't treat
me right, shame on you." - Louis Armstrong, American jazz musician (1900-1971)
"I have long considered it one of god's greatest mercies
that the future is hidden from us. If it were not, life would surely be
unbearable." - Eugene Forsey
"I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall
defend, to the death, your right to say it." - Voltaire, French writer and
philospher (1694-1778)
"In the province of the mind, what one believes to be
true either is true or becomes true." - John Lilly
"In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is
certain." - Pliny the Elder
"It is not necessary for the public to know whether I am
joking or whether I am serious, just as it is not necessary for me to know it
myself." - Salvador Dali
"It is not necessary to understand things in order to
argue about them." - Pierre Augustin Caron de Beaumarchais, French
author-dramatist (1732-1799)
"It would be as useless to perceive how things 'actually
look' as it would be to watch the random dots on untuned television screens." -
Marvin Minsky
"Less than fifteen per cent of the people do any
original thinking on any subject.... The greatest torture in the world for most
people is to think." - Luther Burbank, American horticulturist (1849-1926)
"Man is an infant, with the toys of a child, and
delusions of adulthood." - A. Cygni, Philosopher
"No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes
himself." - Thomas Mann, German author (1875-1955)
"Opinion says hot and cold, but the reality is atoms and
emty space." - Democritus, Greek philosopher (460?-370? B.C.)
"Seeing consists of the grasping of structural features
rather than the indiscriminate recording of detail." - Rudolf Arnheim
"Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action
arrives, stop thinking and go in." - Andrew Jackson.
"The alphabet will create forgetfulness in the learners'
souls. They will trust the written characters and not remember themselves." -
Socrates
"The crowd will follow a leader who marches twenty steps
in advance; but if he is a thousand steps in front of them, they do not see and
do not follow him, and any literary freebooter who chooses may shoot him with
impunity." - Georg Brandes, Danish literary critic (1842-1927)
"The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion." -
Arnold H. Glascow
"The great artist is the simplifier." - Henri Frédéric
Amiel, Swiss poet, philosopher (1821-1881)
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that
it is comprehensible." - Albert Einstein.
"The most merciful thing in the world is the inability
of the human mind to correlate all its contents." - H. P. Lovecraft
"The opposite of a correct statement is a false
statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound
truth." - Niels Bohr
"There are trivial truths and the great truths. The
opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is
also true." - Niels Bohr, Danish physicist (1885-1962)
"There is only one difference between a madman and me. I
am not mad." - Salvador Dali
"This world is comedy to those that think, a tragedy to
those that feel." - Horace Walpole
"Three things are necessary for the salvation of man: to
know what he ought to believe; to know what he ought to desire; and to know what
he ought to do." - Thomas Aquinas, Italian theolgian (1255-1274)
"To define a thing is to substitute the definition for
the thing itself." - Georges Braque, French artist (1882-1963)
"To generalize is to be an idiot." - William Blake,
English poet, artist (1757-1827)
"Truth above all, even when it upsets and overwhelms
us." - Henri Frédéric Amiel, Swiss poet, philosopher (1821-1881)
"We think in generalities, but we live in detail." -
Alfred North Whitehead, British philospher (1861-1947)
"Weep not that the world changes--did it keep a stable,
changeless state, it were cause indeed to weep." - William Cullen Bryant,
American poet and editor (1794-1878)
"What governs men is fear of truth." - Henri Frédéric
Amiel, Swiss poet, philosopher (1821-1881)
"Why is this thus? What is the reason for this
thusness?" - Artemus Ward
"Wir sind gewöhnt daß Leute verhöhnen was sie nicht
versthehen." (We are aware that people will scoff what they do not understand) -
unknown
"Wonder rather than doubt is the root of knowledge." -
Abraham Joshua Heschel
"Words can sometimes, in moments of grace, attain the
quality of deeds." - Elie Wiesel
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime
next door went nuts.
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you
know the battery is dead?
Why are they called buildings when they're already
finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
If a tree falls in a forest and no-one is around to see
it, do the other trees make fun of it?
What do little birdies see when they are knocked
unconscious?
"Jaw, jaw is better than war, war." - Winston Churchill
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
The less government we have the better.
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who
has the better lawyer." - Robert Frost
"Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies."
- Honoré de Balzac
"Education makes people easy to lead, but difficult to
drive; easy to govern, but impossible to enslave." - Henry Peter Brougham,
Scottish statesman and historian (1778-1868)
"Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by
one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel." - Ambrose Bierce,
American author (1842-1914)
"Frequent punishments are always a sign of weakness or
laziness on the part of a government." - Jean Jacques Rousseau
"How can you expect to govern a country that has two
hundred and forty-six kinds of cheese?" - Charles de Gaulle
"I will answer anything I can with honor, but not about
others." - John Brown, American abolitionist (1800-1859)
"I'm very critical of the U.S., but get me outside the
country and all of a sudden I can't bring myself to say one nasty thing about
the U.S." - Saul Alinsky, American political activist (1902-1972)
"If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make
violent revolution inevitable." - John F. Kennedy
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them" - Harry S.
Truman, U.S. President (1884-1972)
"If you want to make enemies, try to change something."
- President Woodrow Wilson (1856-1924)
"In this world, nothing can be said to be certain except
death and taxes." - Benjamin Franklin
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to
them." - Alfred Adler, Father of individual psychology (1870-1937)
"It is people who live by the rules that are always
hoping to get them changed." - Robert Harbison
"It is perfectly true that the government is best which
govern least. It is equally true that the government is best which provides
most." - Walter Lippmann
"Justice is incidental to law and order." - J. Edgar
Hoover
"Never could any increase of comfort or security be a
sufficient good to be bought at the price of liberty." - Hilaire Belloc
"No great scoundrel is ever uninteresting." - Murray
Kempton
"No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach." - William
Cowper, English poet (1731-1800)
"One thing the world needs is popular government at
popular prices." - George Barker
"Patriotism is a lively sense of collective
responsibility. Nationalism is a silly cock crowing on his own dunghill." -
Richard Aldington, English poet, novelist, critic (1892-1962)
"People will sleep better not knowing how their sausage
and politics are made." - Bismarck
"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to
build bridges even where there are no rivers." - Nikita Khrushchev
"Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns
and detective stories." - Arthur C. Clarke
"Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists of
choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable." - John Kenneth Galbraith
"Poverty in a democracy is as much to be preferred to
what is called prosperity under despots, as freedom is to slavery." -
Democritus, Greek philosopher (460?-370? B.C.)
"Poverty often deprives a man of all spirit and virtue.
It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright." - Benjamin Franklin
"Probably all laws are useless; for good men do not want
laws at all, and bad men are made no better by them" - Demonax (c 150 A.D.)
"Since a politician never believes what he says, he is
surprised when others believe him." - Charles de Gaulle
"The law is not an end in itself, nor does it provide
ends. It is preeminently a means to serve what we think is right." - William J.
Brennan, Jr., U.S. Supreme Court justice (1906-)
"Those who voluntarily put power into the hands of a
tyrant or an enemy, must not wonder if it be at last turned against themselves."
- Aesop, Greek fabulist (620-560 B.C.)
"To tyrants, indeed, and bad rulers, the progress of
knowledge among the mass of mankind is a just object of terror; it is fatal to
them and their designs." - Henry Peter Brougham, Scottish statesman and
historian (1778-1868)
"When a true genius appears in the world, you may know
him by this sign; that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." -
Jonathan Swift
"When large numbers of men are unable to find work,
unemployment results." - Calvin Coolidge
Between saying and doing, many a pair of shoes is worn
out.
Procrastination is the thief of time.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day
after tomorrow.
Always put off until tomorrow the things you shouldn't
do at all.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day
after tomorrow.
Tomorrow never comes.
Plan for today as well as for tomorrow.
Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.
To worry about tomorrow is to be unhappy today.
If you have one foot in tomorrow and one foot in
yesterday, you're bound to find yourself pissing on today.
Don't wait for your ship to come; swim out to it.
We learn geology the morning after the earthquake.
"Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what
I'm doing." - Wernher Von Braun.
"I've been trying for some time to develop a life style
that doesn't require my presence." - Gary Trudeau
"If time be of all things most precious, wasting time
must be the greatest prodigality, since lost time is never found again; and what
we call time enough always proves little enough." - Benjamin Franklin
"Not to be able to bear poverty is a shameful thing, but
not to know how to chase it away by work is a more shameful thing yet." -
Pericles
"One disadvantage of having nothing to do is you can't
stop and rest." - Franklin P. Jones
"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass
under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching
the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time" - Sir J.
Lubbock
"Resting on one's laurels makes for an uncomfortable
bed, and only crushes the laurels." - A. Cygni, Philosopher
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the
moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the
office." - Robert Frost
"There's nothing to match curling up with a good book
when there's a repair job to be done around the house." - Joe Ryan
"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things
which escape those who dream only by night." - Edgar Allan Poe
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today." -
Proverb
"Put off the evil hour as long as you can." - Proverb
"One hour's sleep before midnight is worth two after." -
Proverb
"We must use time as a tool, not as a couch." - John F
Kennedy (1917-1963) US Statesman
A proverb is a short sentence based on a long
experience.
"The air of heaven is that which blows between a horse's
ears" - Arabian proverb
Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.
If you wish to know what a man is, place him in
authority: Yugoslav proverb.
Woolen clothing keeps the skin healthy: Venetian proverb
Better a thousand enemies outside the house than one
inside: Arabic Proverb
A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives
you roses: Chinese proverb
One kind word can warm three winter months: Japanese
proverb
A word of kindness is better than a fat pie: Russian
proverb
A good dog deserves a good bone: Proverb
No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn
back - Turkish proverb
Medicine can only cure curable diseases, and then not
always - Chinese proverb
Tell the truth and run - Yugoslav proverb
If work were good for you, the rich would leave none for
the poor - Haitian Proverb
Water floats a ship. Water sinks a ship - Chinese
proverb
Every book must be chewed to get out its juice - Chinese
Proverb
A far friend is better than a stupid neighbour - Dutch
Proverb
Who drives fat oxen should himself be fat.
Early and provident fear is the mother of safety.
Poor men, when Yule is cold, must be content to sit by
little fires.
Welcome the coming, speed the going guest.
"A friend is one who warns you." - Near East proverb
The devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
Faith: not *wanting* to know what is true.
Which is it, is man one of God's blunders or is God one
of man's?
How can finite grasp infinity?
I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all
the time.
Taoism: Shit Happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say "Shit Happens".
Buddhism: If shit happens, it is not really Shit.
Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of Shit Happening?
Hinduism: This Shit has Happened before.
Islam: If Shit Happens it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let Shit Happen to someone else.
Catholicism: If Shit Happens you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does Shit always Happen to us?
New Age: Love your Shit, let it Happen!
Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief.
The last Christian died on the cross.
Science without religion is lame. Religion without
science is blind.
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred
versions of it.
Truth, in the matters of religion, is simply the opinion
that has survived.
In England there are sixty different religions and only
one sauce.
A man is a god in ruins.
Beware of the man whose God is in the skies.
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated
his ability.
When the gods choose to punish us, they merely answer
our prayers.
A blank page is God's way of showing you how hard it is
to be God.
If God is your partner, make your plans large.
If God made un in His image, we have certainly returned
the compliment.
If triangles invented a god, they would make him
three-sided.
Dyslexic atheists don't believe in Dog!
An atheist has no invisible means of support.
Jesus saves sinners... and redeems them for VALUABLE
PRIZES!
"A man lives by believing in something, not by debating
and arguing about many things." - Thomas Carlyle
"Be not so bigoted to any custom as to worship it at the
expense of Truth." - Johann Georg Von Zimmermann
"Death meant little to me. It was the last joke in a
series of bad jokes." - Charles Bukowski
"Decay is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on
with diligence." - Buddha's last words
"Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you
have forgotten your aim." - George Santayana
"For my part, the longer I live the less I feel the need
of any sort of theological belief, and the more I am content to let unseen
powers go on their way with me and mine without question or distrust." - John
Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
"Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I
have walked in his moccasins for two weeks." - Sioux Indian Prayer
"He who is sorry for having sinned is almost innocent."
- Seneca
"Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads." -
Henry David Thoreau
"I've never met a healthy person who worried much about
his health or a good person who worried much about his soul." - Haldane
"If we take science as our sole guide, if we accept and
hold fast that alone which is verifiable, the old theology must go." - John
Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
"If you give me six lines written by the most honest
man, I will find something in them to hang him." - Cardinal Richelieu
"It is always easier to believe than to deny. Our minds
are naturally affirmative." - John Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a
needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of god." - Matthew 19:24
"It is not what we do, but also what we do not do, for
which we are accountable." - Moliere
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to
worship god but to create him." - Arthur C. Clarke
"Man is a credulous animal and must believe something.
In the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones."
- Bertrand Russel, British philosopher (18872-1970)
"Maybe this world is another planet's hell." - Aldous
Huxley
"Miracles happen to those who beleive in them. Otherwise
why does not the Virgin Mary appear to Lamaists, Mohammedans, or Hindus who have
never heard of her." - Bernard Berenson, American art authority (1865-1959)
"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the
illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are
able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind." - Albert Einstein
"Nothing is so easy as to deceive one's self; for what
we wish, that we readily believe." - Demosthenes, Athenian orator and statesman
(385?-322 B.C.)
"Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We
have guided missiles and misguided men." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Say what you will about the ten commandments; you must
always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them." - H. L.
Mencken
"The bible shows the way to go to heaven, not the way
the heavens go." - Galileo
"The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but
set no limits on his stupidity--and that's just not fair!" - Konrad Adenauer,
Chancellor of Germany
"The Kingdom of Heaven is not a place, but a state of
mind." - John Burroughs, American essayist (1837-1921)
"The religion of one seems madness unto another." -
Thomas Browne, English physician, writer (1605-1682)
"The universe is looking less and less like a great
machine and more and more like a great thought." - Ortega y Gasset
"The world holds two classes of men--intelligent men
without religion, and religious men without intelligence" - Abu'l-Ala-Al-Ma'arri,
Syrian Poet (973-1057)
"The worst of madmen is a saint run mad." - Alexander
Pope
"There are thousands hacking at the branches of evil to
one who is striking at the root." - Thoreau
"There are two ways to slide easily through life: to
believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking." -
Alfred Korzybski
"We didn't inherit the land from our fathers. We are
borrowing it from our children." - Amish belief
"We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected
the Sermon on the Mount." - Omar N. Bradley, American general (1893-1981)
"While forbidden fruit is said to taste sweeter, it
usually spoils faster." - Abigail van Buren
"Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein." - Paraphrasing
the Book of Proverbs
"Life's to short for chess." - Henry J Byron (1834-1884)
English Dramatist
On their own merits, modest men are dumb.
A person who has a right to boast doesn't have to.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Don't give other people a piece of your mind unless you
can afford it.
So far the only successful substitute for brains is
silence.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer.
The beginning of wisdom is silence. The second step is
listening.
The most effective answer to an insult is silence.
The cruellest lies are often told in silence.
Sometimes you have to be silent to be heard.
Most people know how to keep silent but few of us know
when.
Stand still and silently watch the world go by - and it
will.
Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice.
Brevity is the soul of wit.
Men of few words are the best men.
The world knows nothing of its greatest men.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
"A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some
other way." - John Tudor
"All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays
no attention to criticism." - unknown
"Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of
some sense to know how to lie well." - Samuel Butler, English poet and satirist
(1612-1680)
"Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of
weak ones." - C. C. Colton
"Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at
any moment." - Iara Gassen
"It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy
as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell" -
Ambrose Bierce, American writer
"It is always brave to say what everyone thinks." -
Georges Duhamel, French author (1884-1966)
"It is better to remain silent and thought a fool, than
to open your mouth and remove all doubt." - Anonymous
"One way to prevent conversation from being boring is to
say the wrong thing." - Frank Sheed
"Perfection, then, is finally achieved, not when there
is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." - Antoine
de St. Exupéry
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best
speech you will ever regret." - Ambrose Bierce
"The highest happiness of man is to have probed what is
knowable and quietly to revere what is unknowable."
"To sin by silence when they should protest makes
cowards out of men." - Abraham Lincoln
"When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry,
a hundred." - Thomas Jefferson
"Why doesn't the fellow who says, 'I'm no speech maker',
let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration?" - Kin Hubbard
"You can observe a lot just by watchin'." - Yogi Berra
"Acting is the shy person's revenge on the world." -
Sinead Cusack
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why
some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
It's not the man that says the most that has the most to
say, and it's not the man that has the most that gives the most away
Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest
bidder!
War's a game which, were their subjects wise, Kings
would not play at.
Never give a sword to anyone who can't dance.
A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is
brave five minutes longer.
If we must fall, let us fall like men.
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to
shoot at.
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the
main attack.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an
ambush.
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in
the combat zone.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
The easy way is always mined.
Try to look unimportant, they may be out of ammo.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his
enemies.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so
much.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
God is on the side not of the heavy battalions, but of
the best shots.
"We make war that we may live in peace." Aristotle
The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for
it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Self-defense is nature's eldest law.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those that dont.
"A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a
sword." - Robert Burton, English author and clergyman (1577-1640)
"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a
statistic." - Joseph Stalin
That's fighting talk where I come from; luckily I don't
live there any more!
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Hanging and wiving goes by destiny.
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more
frequent.
You can drink an ugly girl pretty, but you can't drink a
fat girl skinny.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
Every woman should marry--and no man.
Women like quiet men because they think they are
listening!
Woman was God's second mistake.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a
house.
The only really happy folk are married women and single
men.
A man is as old as he's feeling; a woman as old as she
looks.
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
The gossip of two women will destroy two houses: Arabic
proverb
Americans like fat books and thin women.
A man without a woman is like a neck without pain.
Faint heart ne'er won fair lady.
A bachelor's life is no life for a single man!
A bachelor never makes the same mistake once.
Love is the art of hearts and the heart of arts.
Love sought is good, but given unsought is better.
A person of genius should marry a person of character.
If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.
Have an affair. It will break up the monogamy.
"A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the
purgatory of the purse, and the paradise of the eyes." - Fontenelle
"A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad
as she dares." - Elbert Hubbard
"A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of
knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can." - Jane Austin
"A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke."
- Rudyard Kipling
"A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the
purgatory of the purse, and the paradise of the eyes." - Fontenelle
"A man is as good as he has to be, and a woman is as bad
as she dares." - Elbert Hubbard
"A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of
knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can." - Jane Austin
"A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke."
- Rudyard Kipling
"As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course
he will. He will be sure to repent." - Socrates
"Between two evils, I always like to take the one I've
never tried before." - Mae West
"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright,
they're grand." - Benny Hill
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an
exception." - Groucho Marx
"If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy
ring the front doorbell on his first date." - Olin Miller
"It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole
in a stained glass window." - Raymond Chandler, "Farewell, my lovely."
"Love cures people; both the ones who give it, and the
ones who receive it." - Dr. Karl Menninger
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for
an institution yet." - Mae West.
"Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly." -
Voltaire, French writer and philospher (1694-1778)
"Men like to pursue an elusive woman like a cake of wet
soap - even men who hate baths." - Gelett Burgess
"My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be
able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties." - Douglas Jerrold
"Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and
discovering the Farmer's Daughter." - Julius H. Comroe.
"Sleep is conducive to beauty. Even velvet looks worn
when it loses its nap." - Joan L. Zielin
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because the average man can see better than he can think" - anonymous
"The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by
the infernal constancy of women who love me." - George Bernard Shaw
"The more the pleasures of the body fade away, the
greater to me is the pleasure and charm of conversation." - Plato
"The most important thing a father can do for his
children is to love their mother." - Reverend Hesburgh
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London's society
is full of women who have of their free choice remained thirty-five for years."
- Oscar Wilde
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful,
we must carry it within us or we will find it not." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Too much of a good thing is wonderful." - Mae West.
"When I'm good I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad I'm
better." - Mae West
"Woman is like a teabag; you can't tell how strong she
is until you put her in hot water." - First Lady Nancy Reagan
"Tenors get women by the score." - James Joyce
(1882-1941) Irish Novelist
"Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old
mistresses." - Lord Beaverbrook
Never let a fool kiss you, and never let a kiss fool you
Efficiency is intelligent laziness.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is
what keeps us there.
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put
up with the rain.
Apology is only egotism wrong side out.
Congenial spirits part to meet again.
'T is an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers.
Wrens make prey where eagles dare not perch.
We shall sooner have the fowl by hatching the egg than
by smashing it.
One false step is ne'er retrieved.
It is a good sight easier to git a fish hook in 'n 'tis
to git it out.
Flattery's the food for fools.
That's a valiant flea that dare eat his breakfast on the
lip of a lion.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
To err is human, to forgive, divine.
Fortune brings in some boats that are not steered.
He makes no friend who never made a foe.
The ripest fruit falls first.
The tree that bears no fruit deserves no name.
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
The great man never falls.
Folks never understand the folks they hate.
A heart to resolve, a head to contrive, and a hand to
execute.
No legacy is so rich as honesty.
The hardest knife ill-used doth lose his edge.
Life's but a series of trifles at best.
The life that is worth living is worth working for.
All men think all men mortal but themselves.
The multitude is always in the wrong.
What must be shall be.
A necessary act incurs no blame.
New times demand new measures and new men.
A dog's obeyed in office.
None but himself can be his parallel.
Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
They have rights who dare maintain them.
No man knows so well where the shoe pinches as he who
wears it.
Style is the dress of thoughts.
It is not best to change horses while crossing a river.
The tempter or the tempted, who sins most?
Thought is deeper than all speech, feeling deeper than
all thought.
Time wasted is existence; used is life.
Never leave that till to-morrow what you can do to-day.
Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.
Rugby is a game played by men with odd-shaped balls!
Those who believe succeed.
Don't compliment the staff, they'll think you're taking
the piss!
Is this a question
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy,
wealthy and wise.
I don't really care that much about apathy.
It is easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar
The only place you find free cheese is in a mousetrap!
Wash your face in the morning and your neck at night
A gentleman never crumbles his bread or rolls in his
soup
Watch with one eye and listen with the other
A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on
Revenge is a dish more wisely eaten cold.
You never get a second chance to make a first
impression.
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that
are dangerous.
If you haven't struck oil in your first 3 minutes, stop
boring!
Originality is the art of concealing your source.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your
way.
It's no use calling the tiger to chase away the dog.
The whisperer is a liar.
Do not ask the way of a blind man.
The poor seek food, the rich an appetite.
One is never a friend by force.
False doctrine means giving people the wrong medicine.
An artist is a man with long hair who can't sell
anything.
Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
A good deed never goes unpunished.
You cannot control what you cannot measure.
Many a wise word is spoken in jest.
Fun is a good thing, but only when it spoils nothing
better.
The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage.
No need to teach an eagle to fly.
Let every fox take care of its own tail.
Judge not the horse by its saddle.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
The best parachute folders are those that jump
themselves.
Write bulletproof code before the shooting starts.
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in
rising every time we fall.
If three of us travel together, I shall find two
teachers.
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
Truthfulness so often goes with ruthlessness.
Death and taxes may be certain, but we don't have to die
ever year!
There is no love sincerer than the love of food.
If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em!
Effort is only effort when it begins to hurt.
Cliches should be avoided like the plague.
A penny saved is a penny earned.
He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no
simpler.
Don't wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, and the
pig likes it.
The best way out is always through.
Don't learn the tricks of the trade. Learn the trade.
Even the lion has to defend himself against flies.
Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.
Your mind is like a parachute - it only works if open.
The worst an honest man can do is make an honest
mistake.
The first step in making your dreams a reality is to
wake up.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Success is more attitude than aptitude.
Truth is the safest lie.
Advice is least heeded when most needed.
He who never fell never climbed.
Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the
piano needs moving.
Go as far as you can see, and when you get there you'll
see farther.
If you can't win, make the fellow ahead of you break the
record.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the
privilege.
Anarchy is better than no government at all!
All general statements are false.
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste
the person you are.
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take
you there.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in
it.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes
before work.
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway!
The harder you fall, the higher you bounce!
If you want your eggs hatched, sit on them yourself.
It is better to have loved and lost that to have hated
and won.
The more beautiful the snake, the deadlier its venom.
Mushrooms look like little umberellas because they
always grow in damp places.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
A Smith & Weston beats four aces.
Don't mess around with people who do crossword puzzles
in ink.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs,
programming must be the process of putting them in.
A watched clock never tells the time.
Put all your eggs in one basket - and watch that basket.
Prediction is difficult - especially about the future.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
When the mind is thinking it is talking to itself.
Never confuse motion with progress.
Protection is not a principle, but an expedient.
Justice is truth in action.
Time is the great physician.
All power is a trust.
Never complain and never explain.
Man is only truly great when he acts from the passions.
Knowledge of mankind is a knowledge of their passions.
Change is inevitable in a progressive country. Change is
constant.
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
The profound thinker always suspects that he is
superficial.
Youth is a blunder; manhood a struggle; Old Age a
regret.
Read no history; nothing but biography, for that is life
without theory.
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected
generally happens.
When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are
corrupt, laws are broken.
Be and not seem.
A man is related to all nature.
Every man has his own vocation, talent is the call.
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
To be great is to be misunderstood.
Life is a festival only to the wise.
Knowledge is the only elegance.
We boil at different degrees.
Infancy conforms to nobody; all conform to it.
What is the hardest thing in the world? To think.
Make yourself necessary to somebody.
The only way to have a friend is to be one.
It is not length of life, but depth of life.
The greatest homage to truth is to use it.
The only reward of virtue is virtue.
Go oft to the house of thy friend, for weeds choke the
unused path.
We become what we think about all day long.
Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own
mind.
There is no knowledge that is not power.
Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.
Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this
planet.
The one thing in the world, of value, is the active
soul.
Who so would be a man must be a nonconformist.
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm
A great part of courage is the courage of having done
the thing before.
Heroism feels and never reasons and is therefore always
right.
A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
Life is a perpetual instruction in cause and effect.
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of
you.
Thought is the blossom; language the bud; action the
fruit behind.
The only sin we never forgive each other is difference
of opinion.
All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make
the better.
A great part of courage is the courage of having done
the thing before.
Judge of your natural character by what you do in
dreams.
There is properly no history, only biography.
There is creative reading as well as creative writing.
Next to the originator of a good sentence is the first
quoter of it.
The true poem is the poet's mind.
Poetry must be as new as foam and as old as the rock.
It does not need that a poem should be long. Every word
was once a poem.
Every word was once a poem. Every new relationship is a
new word.
Every artist was first an amateur.
Art is the path of the creator to his work.
Wit is the epitaph of an emotion.
Discontent is the seed of ethics.
Talking about oneself can also be a means to conceal
oneself.
Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.
In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
Is life not a thousand times too short for us to bore
ourselves?
He who has a why can endure any how.
One should never know too precisely whom one has
married.
The better the state is established, the fainter is
humanity.
The only real valuable thing is intuition.
A person starts to live when he can live outside
himself.
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for
nothing.
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried
anything new.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by
age eighteen.
Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to
earn one's living at it.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your
sources.
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my
education.
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that
it is comprehensible.
Virtue is insufficient temptation.
All great truths begin as blasphemies.
He who can, does. He who cannot teaches.
Do not try to live forever. You will not succeed.
The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
What is virtue but the trades unionism of the married.
To be in hell is to drift; to be in heaven is to steer.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also
stupid.
I often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation.
It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
A dramatic critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
He who has never hoped can never despair.
Liberty means responsibility. That is why most me dread
it.
The liar's punishment ... is that he cannot believe
anyone else.
The more things a man is ashamed of, the more
respectable he is.
Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy.
All professions are conspiracies against the laity.
The perfect love affair is one which is conducted
entirely by post.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as
well make it dance.
We should have had socialism already, but for the
socialists.
Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people
without blushing.
Man can climb to the highest summits, but he cannot
dwell there long.
Has fear ever held a man back from anything he really
wanted?
Whilst we have prisons it matters little who occupies
the cells.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything
from experience.
The world is populated in the main by people who should
not exist.
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on
children.
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not
object to it.
Dancing: The vertical expression of a horizontal desire
legalized by music.
In art the best is good enough.
The deed is all, the glory nothing.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.
Who thinks little of himself, is often more than he
thinks.
There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to
live.
I can promise to be frank, I cannot promise to be
impartial.
A man that all the world hates, there must be something
about him.
You have to ask children and birds how cherries and
strawberries taste.
What government is the best? That which teaches us to
govern ourselves.
Whatever necessity lays upon thee, endure; whatever she
commands, do.
Be generous with kindly words, especially about those
who are absent.
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
The secret of life is in art.
All great ideas are dangerous.
Art never expresses anything but itself.
Divorces are made in heaven.
Artists, like the Greek gods, are only revealed to one
another.
The only beautiful things are the things that do not
concern us
Comfort is the only thing our civilization can give us.
Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.
Bore: a man who is never unintentionally rude.
Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
I don't like principles. I prefer prejudices.
I have nothing to declare but my genius.
All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.
Nothing is so aggravating as calmness.
Popularity is the one insult I have never suffered.
The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us
astray.
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be
wrong.
It is only shallow people who do not judge by
appearances.
Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously
about.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so
much.
Everyone who is incapable of learning has taken to
teaching.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be
fascinating.
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like
excess.
I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent
engagement.
The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
The only possible form of exercise is to talk, not to
walk.
It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us
absolution.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Action: the last resource of those who know not how to
dream.
Democracy is the bludgeoning of the people, by the
people, for the people.
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt toward people
we personally dislike.
Anybody can be good in the country. There are no
temptations there.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the
same.
I am the only person in the world I should like to know
thoroughly.
America has been discovered before, but it has always
been hushed up.
One should always be in love. That is the reason one
should never marry.
Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and
the bloom is gone.
Ah, well, then, I suppose that I shall have to die
beyond my means.
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is
what fiction means.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at
the stars.
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It
is never any use to oneself.
Put your talent into your work, but your genius into
your life.
Society produces rogues, and education makes one rogue
cleverer than another.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
In all matters of opinion are adversaries are insane.
I have never let schooling interfere with my education.
A man with a new idea is a crank until he succeeds.
There is no security in life, only opportunity.
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not
absence of fear.
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us
economize it.
Civilization is a limitless multiplication of
unnecessary necessaries.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that
is laughter.
I've seen many troubles in my time, only half of which
ever came true.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance
of a good example.
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech.
A bore is a person who brightens a room simply by
leaving it.
A bore is someone who, when you ask him how he is, tells
you.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A complete catastrophe includes not learning from the
experience.
A conference is a way of postponing a decision.
A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under
pressure.
A man is known by the company he avoids.
A mind is like a parachute: it only functions when it is
open.
A person who walks in another's tracks leaves no
footprints.
A smile confuses an approaching frown.
A steady salary is an invitation to mediocrity.
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense.
A wise man knows everything; a shrewd one, everybody.
A wish is a desire without an attempt.
All men are self-made, but only the successful will
admit it.
An endurance test for some people is the pursuit of
happiness.
An excuse is often substituted for reason.
As a rule, a quitter isn't a very good beginner either.
As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every moment
of time.
As you grow older, you stand for more and fall for less.
Better aim at a star than shoot down a well; you'll hit
higher.
Death and taxes may be certain, but we don't have to die
every year.
Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of
choice.
Doing nothing gets pretty tiresome because you can't
stop and rest.
Don't worry too much about what people think, because
they seldom do.
Don't wrestle with pigs; you get dirty and they enjoy
it.
Education is learning a lot about how little you know.
Education should include knowledge of what to do with
it.
Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
Every survival kit should include a sense of humor.
Few blame themselves until they have exhausted all other
possibilities.
Flowers are the poetry of earth, as stars are the poetry
of heaven.
Footprints on the sands of time are never made by
sitting down.
Free advice generally costs more than the other kind.
Frustration is when you have ulcers but still aren't a
success.
Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be
miserable.
He was a how thinker, not an if thinker.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the
next exit.
Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had
it.
Hyperpolysyllabicomania is a fondness for big words.
I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.
I wash everything on the gentle cycle. It's much more
humane.
I'll always cherish the initial misconceptions I had
about you.
If at first you do succeed - try to hide your
astonishment.
If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.
If you want a place in the sun, you've got to expect a
few blisters.
In a negotiation, he who cares less, wins.
In every fat book there is a thin book trying to get
out.
Is life worth living? That depends on the liver.
It is better to know nothing than to learn nothing.
It seems confusing that narrow-minded people are thick
headed.
It was such a primitive country we didn't even see any
joggers.
Knowledge become power only when we put it into use.
Live not for time, but eternity.
Man has now conquered almost everything in nature except
human nature.
Many men boast of having an open mind, when it is only
vacant.
Misers make wonderful ancestors.
My mind's made up - don't confuse me with the facts.
Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Never let your studies interfere with your education.
Never mistake endurance for hospitality.
No dream comes true until you wake up and go to work.
Nothing of importance is ever done without a plan.
Old mufflers never die, they just get exhausted.
Old termites never die. They just get board and lumber
on.
Plan in marble if you would work in stone.
Plan your work. Work your plan.
Punctuality is disappointing if no one is there to
appreciate it.
Regarding trade relations, most people would like to.
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies & to
the john.
Secular education can make men clever, but it cannot
make them good.
Self-determination is fine but needs to be tempered with
self-control.
So near and yet so what?
Some men go through a forest and see no firewood.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others
whenever they go.
Some people jump to conclusions while others dig for
facts.
Some peoples' heads are particularly suited to handle
empty praise.
Some pursue happiness - others create it.
Someday is not a day of the week.
Sometimes we are limited more by attitude than by
opportunities.
Sometimes we miss happiness by looking too far for
things nearby.
Spellers of the world, untie!
Strategy is when you run out of ammunition but keep
firing anyway.
Success comes before work only in the dictionary.
Success is more dependent on the backbone than the
wishbone.
The best way to bluff is to keep your mouth shut.
The biggest block to any man's success is in his head.
The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that
does not grasp.
The fire of glory is the torch of the mind.
The hardest work is being idle.
The heart of education is the education of the heart.
The man who wakes up and finds himself famous hasn't
been asleep.
The nicest thing about the future is that it comes one
day at a time.
The person who sings his own praise is probably a
soloist.
The person who thinks too little usually talks too much.
The person with nothing to do always gives it his
personal attention.
The relationship of editor to author is knife to throat.
The shortest distance between two points is usually
under repair.
The silver lining is always easier to find in someone
else's cloud.
The two hardest things to handle in life are failure &
success.
The way to kill time profitably is to work it to death.
The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the first to be
replaced.
There is no right way to do a wrong thing.
There is nothing like sealing a letter to inspire a
fresh thought.
Those who are afraid of doing too much always do too
little.
To err is human, but it is against company policy.
To get nowhere, follow the crowd.
To get to heaven, turn right and keep straight.
To have more, desire less.
To reach a great height a person needs to have great
depth.
Today's mighty oak is yesterday's little nut that held
its ground.
Torture the data long enough and they will confess to
anything.
Turn your stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
We generally admire the wisdom of those who come to us
for advice.
What I said never changed anyone. What they understood
did.
What the fool does in the end, the wise man does in the
beginning.
When a person is always right, there is something wrong.
When the going seems easy, you may be going downhill.
When you don't have an education, you've got to use your
brains.
Wisdom consists of letting the non-essentials pass by.
Worry takes as much time as work and pays less.
You can lead a car to a highway, but you can't make it
think.
You can't steal second base and keep one foot on first.
You're entitled to your own opinion, even if it is
wrong.
"The world is but canvas to our imagination." Thoreau
"It is not possible to step twice into the same river."
Heraclitus
"One murder makes a villain, millions a hero." Billy
Porteus
"A man paints with his brains and not with his hands."
Michelangelo
"Fire is the test of gold; adversity, of strong men."
Lucius Annaeus Seneca
"Anger is never without a reason; but seldom a good
one." Benjamin Franklin
"Nothing is permanent but change." Heraclitus
A guilty conscience needs no accuser.
Fool me once, shame on you - Fool me twice, shame on me.
A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the
car.
There is nothing like death. Everything that approaches
is a metaphor.
It is by believing in roses that one brings them to
bloom.
We forget our faults easily when they are known to
ourselves alone.
Better starve free than be a fat slave.
Hatreds are the cinders of affection.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to
the bone.
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks
his neck out.
Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument an
exchange of ignorance.
Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of
growth.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is
looking.
The earth does not belong to man. Man belongs to the
Earth.
Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the
shadow.
Birds sing after a storm, why shouldn't we?
Few minds wear out; more rust out.
Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.
How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not
stood up to live!
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human
face.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy
people?
"Only eyes washed by tears can see clearly." Louis L.
Mann
Never a lip is curved with pain that can't be kissed
into smiles again.
Each flower is a soul opening out to nature.
Anger is one letter short of danger.
I was sad that I had no shoes until I saw a man with no
feet.
You think education is expensive? Try ignorance!
If you can't change your mind, then maybe you don't have
one.
For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds
of happiness.
Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.
One can live in the shadow of an idea without grasping
it.
Education is not received, it is achieved.
Whatever your past has been, you have a spotless future.
There are no degrees of honesty.
Smile, it only takes 13 muscles; a frown takes 64.
"Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do."
Voltaire
This sentence no verb.
BLISS is ignorance.
The next sentence is true. The previous sentence is
false.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at
the track.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
"Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!"
Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.
All generalisations are false, including this one.
Don't think of a blue monkey.
One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the
beach.
The nicest thing about standards is that there are so
many to choose from.
Dollars and guns are no substitute for brains and
willpower.
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being
called an idea at all.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for
it.
Should your riches increase, let your mind keep pace
with them.
When the going gets tough, the wierd turn pro!
Life is what happens while you were making other plans.
The mind cannot long act the role of the heart.
The eagle doesn't hunt flies.
A living dog is better than a dead lion.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is god.
Humour is the ability to see all three sides of the
coin.
Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes
from bad judgement.
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Anyone can count the seeds in an apple. No one can count
the apples in a seed.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's
research.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Eschew obfuscation.
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not
reach a conclusion.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a
nail.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and
practice. In practice, however, there is.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a "No
Exit" sign.
A metaphor is like a simile.
The one who says it cannot be done should never
interrupt the one who is doing it.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a
left.
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins, you
can't imagine the smell.
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is
enough.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself
on the back.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and
less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where
it itches.
The Light at the end of the tunnel is only the light of
an oncoming train.
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side
of the bread to butter.
The second greatest thrill after flying, is landing.
Whatever problem mind of man can pose, mind of man can
solve.
A lecture is where the notes of the professor become the
notes of the student without passing through the mind of either one.
An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code.
No matter who you vote for, the government always gets
in.
Quoting one is plagerism; quoteing many is research.
A moment's thinking is an hour in words.
We have two ears and one mouth that we may listen the
more and talk the less.
The greatest sin is to do well that which should not be
done at all.
It is almost impossible to overestimate the unimportance
of most things.
The rich get richer; the poor have children.
The only good Indian is a vindaloo after the pub!
A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose.
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties.
"Dancing, n.: A vertical expression of a horizontal
intention."
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
If wishes were horses then beggars would ride.
Youth and skill are no match for experience and
treachery.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone
in mind to blame.
Knowledge becomes wisdom only after it has been put to
practical use.
I cannot be fired. Slaves have to be sold.
Skiing: the art of catching cold and going broke while
rapidly heading nowhere at great personal risk.
Past tense means you used to be nervous.
If a tree falls on a laboratory mouse, does it cause
cancer?
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Nothing is so unscientific as the assignment of wages.
Life is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to
those who feel.
Always move fast in life - a dog can't piss on a moving
car!
A cage is a cage, even if the bars are gold.
The eye does not see what the mind does not know.
Where there is too much, something is missing.
Never play cards with a man named Doc, and never eat at
a place called Mom's!
Common sense is what tells you the earth is flat.
Nothing is really work until you would rather be doing
something else.
He has half the deed done who has made a beginning.
It's much easier to appologise than it is to get
permission.
My other shed is a porch.
BASIC programmers never die, they GOSUB without RETURN.
The child is the father of the man.
False face must hide what false heart doth know.
Fools for arguments use wagers.
The tree that bears no fruit deserves no name.
When was ever honey made with one bee in a hive?
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
The map is not the territory.
Plans are useless; planning is essential.
The problem with being a troubleshooter is that real
trouble shoots back.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
There are three possible states for a project: done,
nearly done, and PANIC!
Never trouble 'till trouble troubles you.
"Work and play are two words to describe the same thing
under different conditions" - Mark Twain
Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it
starts to work.
On average, people are mean.
Style is like a frog. You can disect it, but it dies in
the process.
The art of prophesy is very difficult, especially with
respect to the future.
The bored are those without imagination.
The enemy of the best is the good.
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you
are talking about.
Torture the data long enough and they will confess to
anything.
One should always live within walking distance of one's
tailor.
Laugh at your problems. Everyone else does!
Some people will believe anything if you whisper it to
them.
I don't need state-of-the-art technology. It'll just
give me state-of-the-art problems.
Creative people need time to be lazy.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A coupla months in the lab can save a coupla hours in
the library.
Folly is wisdom spun too fine.
A kite rises against the wind.
If all else fails, corrupt the data.
We herd sheep, we drive cattle, we lead people.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
If I listen I have the advantage. If I speak, the others
have it.
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and
hang on.
It's better to shoot for the stars and miss than to aim
for a manure pile and hit it.
You can't be too rich or too thin.
A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him.
A good scare is worth more than good advice.
There's many a good tune played on an old fiddle.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around the
middle.
Inexperience is what makes a young man do what an older
man says is impossible.
A cask of wine works more miracles than a church full of
saints.
He who rides a tiger is afraid to dismount.
There is always room at the top.
Fine feathers make fine birds.
It takes two to make a quarrel.
A good face is a letter of recommendation.
Early to rise and early to bed, makes a male healthy and
wealthy and dead.
Believe nothing of what you hear, and only half of what
you see.
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.
Men are blind in their own cause.
Books and friends should be few but good.
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured
and then quietly strangled.
Nobody loves life like he who is growing old.
Better to reign in Hell than to serve in heaven.
The measure of a man is what he does with power.
Better is a poor and wise child than an old and foolish
king.
All crass generalisations are dangerous, including this
one.
Democracy is a sheep and three wolves deciding what's
for dinner.
There's only one pretty child in the world, and every
mother has it.
Anybody who hates children and dogs can't be all bad:
W.C.Fields
Conscience is the inner voice that tells us somebody may
be looking.
A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.
Fortune favours the brave.
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks
around for the coffin.
Dead men tell no tales.
There will be sleeping enough in the grave.
Once you're dead you're made for life: Jimi Hendrix
It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no
more...it's an ex-parrot.
No one ever suddenly became depraved.
To deceive oneself is very easy.
A disease known is half cured.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
A physician who treats himself has a fool as a patient.
A drug is a substance which, when injected into a rat,
will produce a scientific report.
But I'm not so think as you drunk I am.
Don't spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar.
A budget is a method of worrying before you spend
instead of afterwards.
If all economists were laid end-to-end, they would not
reach a conclusion.
What can't be cured, must be endured.
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
A cat may look at a king.
All cats are grey in the dark.
Practice what you preach.
One should try everything once, except incest and
folk-dancing.
A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's
experience.
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which
can be made in a very narrow field.
Specialist - a man who knows more and more about less
and less.
Facts speak louder than statistics.
A miss is as good as a mile.
Faith will move mountains.
Familiarity breeds contempt.
No man is a hero to his valet.
Contentment and fulfulment don't make for very good
fiction.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Flattery is alright as long as you don't inhale.
An army marches on its stomach: Napoleon.
Empty vessels make the greatest sound.
You cannot fashion a wit out of two half-wits.
Football isn't a matter of lifa and death - it's much
more important than that.
Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not
want to hear.
Do good by stealth and blush to find it fame.
Listeners never hear good news of themselves.
One day the don't-knows will get in, and then where will
we be?
This is the sort of English up with which I will not
put.
A truly great man never puts away the simplicity of a
child.
He that eats till he is sick must fast till he is well.
One joy scatters a hundred griefs.
Happiness is no laughing matter.
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Haste makes waste.
It does not matter what a man hates, provided he hates
something.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
History is the sum total of the things that could have
been avoided.
History does not repeat itself. Historians repeat each
other.
East, west, home's best.
A drowning man will clutch at a straw.
Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.
Hunger is the best sauce.
All are not saints that go to church.
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in
it.
The devil finds work for idle hands to do.
He that knows little often repeats it.
What you don't know can't hurt you.
To err is human.
When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them.
The right people are rude. They can afford to be.
He who praises everybody praises nobody.
A really intelligent man feels what others only know.
The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it.
You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his
friends.
Life is too short to learn German.
It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have
loafed at all.
Life is just a bowl of cherries.
Life isn't all beer and skittles.
Logic must take care of itself.
Love laughs at locksmiths.
Lucky at cards, unlucky in love.
You cannot run with the hare and hunt with the hounds.
A liar is worse than a thief.
I am a human being: Do not fold, spindle or mutilate:
Hippy slogan.
Only mediocrity can be trusted to be always at its best.
A great many open minds should be closed for repairs.
It is easy to bear the misfortunes of others.
It never rains but it pours.
Music is the arithmetic of sounds as optics is the
geometry of light.
Reading is sometimes an ingenious device for avoiding
thought.
Routine is not organisation, any more than paralysis is
order.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Beggars can't be choosers.
Needs must when the devil drives.
Necessity knows no law.
Love your neighbour, yet pull not down your hedge.
Never believe in mirrors or newspapers.
Round numbers are always false.
Jack of all trades, master of none.
Science is the father of knowledge, but opinion breeds
ignorance.
Opportunity seldom knocks twice.
Whenever you fall, pick up something.
A wise man makes more opportunities than he finds.
Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
After a storm comes a calm.
It will all come right in the wash.
The darkest hour is just before the dawn.
When one door shuts, another opens.
One picture is worth ten thousand words.
The man who is master of his passions is Reason's slave.
The past is the only dead thing that smells sweet.
A watched pot never boils.
A little of what you fancy does you good.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Policemen are numbered in case they get lost: Spike
Milligan
Before the data we can but bow.
No-one can whistle a symphony; it takes an orchestra to
play it.
While it's important to win, it's imperitive to compete.
Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill
bucket - George Orwell.
The only stupid quesion is the one not asked.
Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground.
It is easy to bear the misfortunes of others.
Nature has always had more power than education.
Love your neighbour, yet pull not down your hedge.
Round numbers are always false.
Opportunity seldom knocks twice.
Whenever you fall, pick up something.
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
After a storm comes a calm.
It will all come right in the wash.
The darkest hour is just before the dawn.
When one door shuts, another opens.
A watched pot never boils.
Constant dripping hollows out a stone.
He who pays the piper calls the tune.
A man may build himself a throne of bayonets, but he
cannot sit on it.
Speak softly and carry a big stick, you will go far.
Self-praise is no recommendation.
Whenever two good people argue over principles, they are
both right.
Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken.
He gives twice who gives promptly.
Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.
Forewarned is forearmed.
Prevention is better than cure.
One does not insult the river god while crossing the
river.
An animal psychologist is a man who pulls habits out of
rats.
A man who does not lose his reason over certain things
has none to lose.
Many medicines - few cures.
The outcome of any serious research can only be to make
two questions grow where only one grew before.
A bad workman always blames his tools.
A crown is merely a hat that lets the rain in.
Rules and models destroy genius and art.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
He travels fastest who travels alone.
A timid question will always receive a confident answer.
Shyness is just egotism out of its depth.
A still tongue makes a wise head.
Old sins cast long shadows.
One hour's sleep before midnight is worth two after.
Facts speak louder than statistics.
What gets measured gets done.
A genius shoots at something that doesn't exists - and
hits it.
Mediocrity can talk; but it takes a genius to observe.
You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
Achieving life is not the same as avoiding death.
Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very
important.
The success of a rain dance has a lot to do with timing.
I had no shoes and complained until I met a man with no
feet...so I stole his shoes!
I cried because I had no sex life. Then I met a man with
no hands.
True merit is like a river, the deeper it is the less
noise it makes.
At least once a year, everyone is a genius.
A lot of comedy is tragedy plus time.
Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be
practiced in moderation.
The world is divided into people who do things and
people who get the credit.
I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am
now.
"I'm throwing twice as hard as I ever did. The ball's
just not getting there as fast" - 'Lefty' Gomez
Where there's smoke, there's toast.
If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to
yours.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while
ladies are present.
Marriage is not a word but a sentence.
There is no problem so big or complicated that it can't
be run away from.
You go to a psychiatrist slightly cracked and keep going
until you're broke.
Two in one people in this country are schizophrenic.
As ye smoke, so shall ye reek.
It is difficult to learn what you think you already
know.
Hyperpolysyllabicomania is a fondness for big words.
To get nowhere, follow the crowd.
Nothing new ever entered the mind through an open mouth.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have
inlaws.
"I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and
call it a weasel" - Edmund, Blackadder III
First things first - but not neccessarily in that order.
Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right
wrench to pound in the correct screw.
Sex is evil, Evil is sin. Sin is forgiven so sex is in.
"Any technology distinguishable from magic is
sufficiently advanced" Arthur C Clarke
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your
astonishment.
If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a
while.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"A witty saying proves nothing" - Voltaire
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
What's blue and square? An orange in disguise.
I don't have a solution but I do admire the problem
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you
can find a rock.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
What is the speed of dark?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack
it in?
How come you never hear of gruntled employees?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with
sushi?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured catfood?
How can there be self-help groups?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
If you can't be good, be careful.
An hour in the morning is worth two in the evening.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever
get done.
Why do you chop a tree down, and then chop it up?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of
it.
Weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
Welcome to Hell... here's your accordion.
This line is umop apisdn.
Desk: a large waste-basket with drawers and a phone.
Profanity, the language computerists know.
Programmers do it with their fingers.
Physchoceramics: The study of crackpots.
You people are so apathetic. Then again, who cares?
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
Not breaking the rules, just testing their elasticity.
An elephant is a mouse built to government
specifications. -Robert A. Heilein
If man was intended to fly it would be easier to get to
the airport.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Forgive your enemies, but remember their names.
Go hence, and sin more creatively next time.
System halted - Press any key to do nothing.
If at first you don't succeed, go work for Microsoft.
Windows 3.1 - The XT Emulator for the 486.
Experience: A name we give to our mistakes.
Please return stewardess to original upright position.
BATHROOM HUMOR: We aim to please, could you aim too
please?!
Ouch...I caught my floppy in my PKZipper.
This statement is false.
It's not fire retardant, it's "thermally challenged".
"Oh, ya! My dad can damn yours to eternal torment!"
-young Jesus.
Death - 30,000,000,000 people can't be wrong.
Imagine a goat. It's like that, only different...
Apple. When a computer with power just won't do.
"OK guys, let me down. I was only kidding." -Jesus, on
the cross.
I'm exploring myself right now...HEY! What's this?
Barney Beefcow says ,"Eat Me!" -A public service
announcement.
A book is like a leg, only it doesn't bleed as much if
you stab it.
STOP GUINEA PIG RAPE! What part of "SQUEAK!" don't you
get?
"Petting zoo? I thought this was a Killing and Corpse
Raping Zoo..."
My hands feel numb...Hey! Who cut off my arms?
If you sit around anywhere long enough, you'll die.
Jello can be violent in the wrong hands...
Posterity is a very long time.
Bureaucracy Rule #1 : Expand to fill all available
resources.
"Stop talking while I'm trying to interrupt!"
Ikea : Swedish for long line-ups.
Dyslexics against drugs. Just say 'ON'.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Support DAM - Mothers Against Dyslexia
I'm not crazy..I just have a unique sense of reality.
My Karma ran over your Dogma
I am Gilligan of Borg. Rescue is irrelevant. Escape from
the island is futile.
Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.
I am Ohm of Borg. Conductance is futile.
"I am Homer of Borg, prepare to be ... Mmmmmm. Donuts."
Bill of Rights: Void where Prohibited by Law.
Monotheism is a gift from the gods
The best way to accelerate a Mac? 9.8 m/s/s.
Take 2 CH3COOC6H4COOH'S and call me in the morning.
The shortest distance between two points is under
construction.
The 4 Basic Food Groups: Ice Cream, Pizza, Coke and
Women.
Hey Santa, How much for your list of NAUGHTY girls?
Romulans are so ruthless because every day is a bad hair
day.
I'm not a man, I'm vaginally-disadvantaged.
Red supergiant seeks white dwarf for binary
relationship.
Bad command or filename! Go stand in the corner.
At a nude wedding everybody can see who the best man is.
Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation
Bacteria: Rear entrance to a cafeteria.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
race car spelled backwards is race car.
BASIC programmers never die, they GOSUB and don't RETURN
Prostitution is Sex+Free Enterprise. Which don't you
like?
Captain, I need to kill someone. - Worf
BorgDOS v5.0 - Assimilate Another? [Y/n]
I'ze Popeye of Borg. Yuse kin prepare'z to be
askimilgrated!
Earthlings! Your weapons are useful on us! All we have
is this P.A.!
Lawnboy? Pff! MY lawnmower is a flame thrower.
"They're directly beneath us, Moriarty. Release the
piano!"
Live Long and Perspire.
"Do not be angry with me if I tell you the truth." --
Socrates
"Tell the Truth and run."--Yugoslav proverb
Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the
impossible. -Escher
I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go
upstairs and check. -Escher
"CAUTION: Knife is very sharp. Keep out of children"
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power
to taxi.
/earth is 98% full...............delete anyone you
can....
3x10^5 km/sec. It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
I want American food, damnit, I want French Frys.
Conserve Solar Energy : Turn off the sun when not in
use.
Apes evolved from creationists.
Obscenity is the crutch of the inarticulate
motherfucker.
To join boldly infinitives which no man has joined
before.
"Creator: a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh."
--H. L. Mencken
"It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural
causes."
Heisenberg Might Have Slept Here
What if they held national condom week and nobody came?
Delays created while you wait.
Welcome to Mars! Your passport and visa, comrade?
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
"A feature is a bug with seniority."
Mars in 1980s: USSR, 2 tries, 2 failures; USA, 0 tries.
"You can't have everything -- where would you put it?"
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
What's another word for thesaurus?
"If you can't dazzle them with style, riddle them with
bullets."
I'm a paranoid schizophrenic! I'm after me!
For every idiot-proof system, a new improved idiot will
arise to overcome it.
A manager does the thing right. A leader does the right
thing.
I got a fortune cookie that said "You like Chinese
food".
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Digression is the better part of Valium.
Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu--when you're tired of the
lesser of two evils.
Flattery: the art of telling another exactly what he
thinks of himself.
Will your answer to this question be in the negative?
Help the police... beat yourself up.
"We come from two different worlds - mine has toothpaste
and soap"
Fotomat burns down ... no film at 11.
For a real sweet time, call C6 H12 O6.
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
Quantam mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.
New Chinese Travel Slogan: We'll toss another dissident
on the barbie!
Vic's Discount Mortuary -- We won't charge you an arm
and a leg.
The plural of "luck" is "skill".
Linda Lovelace and Jim Henson in: I'VE GOT A FROG IN MY
THROAT.
Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an
emergency on my part.
Ah, tourism. Things to see and people to do.
Button: "If we are what we eat, I could be you by
morning."
The employer generally gets the employees he deserves.
-Walter Bilbey
Prices subject to change according to customers
attitude.
Archaeology is the only profession where your future
lies in ruins.
"Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature."
The man who invented the eraser had the human race
pretty well sized up.
In 20 years there will be radio stations playing classic
rap.
Committees do harm merely by existing. - Freeman Dyson
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do they call them apart-ments when they're all stuck
together?
They call television a medium. That is because it is
neither rare nor well done.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to
music.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an
exception.
I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me
as a member.
"Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix."
VIOLATORS WILL BE TOAD! - Dungeon Police
If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I
thought.
Ignorance is the Mother of Adventure.
Have you tried McSquared, the pure energy fast-food?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
"James, I've decided to commit suicide. Drive over that
cliff."
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any
survival value.
We died and brought our sins back with us...and they're
pissed. -Flatliners
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting."-Alan Dean
Foster
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
When you pull the pin on Mr Grenade, he is no longer
your friend.
Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also
timed for 70 mph.
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape
somewhere.
"If people ate what they killed, there would be NO MORE
WARS!"
IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
"The Stealth Condom - they'll never see you coming."
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer
in rats.
Save energy: be apathetic.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be
left to chance.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. - Dykstra
Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps.
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse
code.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself
on the back.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an
undetected error. - Weisert
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of
my own importance.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired
of thinking.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
If you can survive death, you can probably survive
anything.
"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a
six-pack."
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's
time to get up.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -Henry N.
Camp
355/113 - Not the famous irrational number PI, but an
incredible simulation!
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone
Company."
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such
a long time.
Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss? He
elected to receive.
People have one thing in common: they are all different.
The trouble with our times is that the future is not
what it used to be.
You always find something in the last place you look.
My play was a complete success. The audience was a
failure.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.
Procrastinate now!
I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop
exagerating.
Nature abhors second order differential equations.
Be kind to plants--eat more herbivores.
If it can't be expessed in figures, it is not science;
it is opinion.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
It is better to copulate than never.
All men are created unequal. -Robert A. Heinlein
The second most proposterous notion is that copulation
is inherently sinful.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
-Robert A. Heinlein
You live and you learn. Or you don't live long.
One man's magic is another man's engineering.
Supernatural is a null word.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
-Robert A. Heilein
Secrecy is the begining of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
-Robert A. Heinlein
Yeild to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
"All's fair in love and war" -what a contemptible lie!
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no
brain.
Those who fail to understand hyperbole may lose their
asymptotes.
Do not adjust you mind, it is reality that is
malfunctioning.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice
cubes.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy
anything specific.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a
second.
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If you melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting
wet?
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a
house.
The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to
add to it.
The nice thing about kleptomania is that you can take
something for it.
Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
Chess players mate better.
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently!
Nuns do it out of habit.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Politicians do it with everyone.
Scuba divers do it deeper.
Vicars do it with amazing grace.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to
laugh at that man.
A signature always reveals a man's character -and
sometimes even his name.
I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem
classy. -Bern Williams
You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are
made.
When you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek,
that's a moray!
Civilian: Out numbered 10 to 1. Military: A target rich
environment.
Its not a first strike. Its a pre-emptive
counter-attack.
We have a DEFENSE department that has a first strike
capability?
Remember, two wrongs don't make a right, but three
rights make a left.
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is
coming from.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
APL is a write-only language. -- Roy Keir
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether
submarines can swim.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two
fingers. -- Tom Lehrer
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of
it.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at
the source code.
Long computations that yield zero are probably all for
naught.
Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Nice computers don't go down.
Programming with goto's is like swatting flies with a
sledgehammer.
Real programs don't eat cache.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. -- Robert
Heller
Wanted: Schrodinger's Cat -Dead or Alive.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same
thing. -- Anon
Always avoid alliteration.
When in Trouble, And in Doubt, Run in Circles, Scream
and Shout.
UNIX: The Operating System that makes you say Hmmm...
If it doesn't work, change the documentation.
Hiroshima--the first city lighted by nuclear power.
"I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman." -- Dan Quayle
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else.
Adultery is the application of democracy to love. --
H.L. Menchen
Affirmative Action is mediocrity's answer to Darwin.
TANSTAAFL - There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their
money.
The lottery is just a tax on people who are bad at math.
Think 'honk' if you're a telepath.
COMPILE ERROR 77: You learned to program in FORTRAN,
didn't you?
"Trust everybody ... then cut the cards."
Hard work never hurt anybody... but why take any
chances?
Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is
humane", says the Pope.
Void where prohibited (That's a statement, not an
order).
The other day I went to the stationery store...but it
had moved.
There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell
everything you know.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
"Watch out where the huskies go, don't you eat that
yellow snow." -Frank Zappa
In the beginning there was nothing...which exploded.
Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when
you've made it again.
Seen on T-shirts at NASA: WILL BUILD SPACE STATION FOR
FOOD.
WARNING: This product not intended for use by stupid
people.
How do I know anything really exists? Kick it *really*
hard.
Real Programmers confuse Christmas and Halloween because
OCT 31 = DEC 25.
Mankind is naturally good, society corrupts it.
Mankind is naturally evil, society inhibits it.
"If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." - B
Gates
"No, I said Bud Light!" - Captain of the Hindenburg
640k = 4480 in dog bytes.
668 -- the neighbor of the beast.
8 of 10 Americans suffer from hemorrhoids. 2 enjoy them!
((wrong && wrong) != right)
*IT IS* documented, look under "For Internal Use Only."
1024x768x256.... Sounds like one mean woman.
1st rule of marriage: If you're right, apologize fast.
"That's entertainment," - Vlad the Impaler.
"Once," adverb: Enough.
A KGB keyboard has no key.
A low yield atomic bomb is like being a little bit
pregnant.
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
It's always darkest right before you step on the cat.
It's amazing how mature wisdom resembles being too
tired.
Mac screen error message: "Like, dude, something went
wrong."
Why can't women remember to put the seat back up?
Why did CNN cancel that cool "Desert Storm" show?
Why use a big, long word when a diminutive one will do?
We've replaced the Dilithium with new Folger's Crystals.
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
When I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.
When a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?
When agnostics die, do they go to the Great Perhaps?
When in doubt, use brute force.
When things go wrong, just don't go with them.
Tomorrow is another day, but it'll suck too.
Tonight's forecast: dark, followed by light.
To Err is Human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
To Err is Human; to blame it on someone else is
politics.
To Err is Human; with blondes it's mandatory.
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
Those on the cutting edge bleed a lot.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
There go my people. I must follow for I am their leader.
There is always a law against doing anything
interesting.
The ultimate in courage? Two cannibals having oral sex.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do.
The music's kinda nice. My compliments to the clef.
The only winner of the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
The problem is not if machines think, but if people do.
Television proves people will look at anything except
each other.
The Boy Scouts is like the army with adult supervision.
The buck doesn't even slow down here.
The difference between sex and lust is inconsequential.
Status Quo--Latin for the mess we're in.
Suicidal twin kills brother by mistake.
Seven Deadly Sins: All the good stuff in a short list.
Sex in a Volkswagen = Farfergnookie.
Sexy women are nature's way of saying 'keep it up!'
Shareware? Reminds me of a girl in my high school.
Sick Pay: Ill-gotten gains.
Since she won't live forever, why give her a diamond?
Skiier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.
Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine.
Smokey the Bear says: Strip mining prevents forest
fires.
Snails' pace: .00758 mph.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? [yep/nope]
SYSTEM ERROR: press F13 to continue.
SLEEP.COM *** Process interrupted. Kill intruder (Y/N)?
SMARTDRV installed. It's your data that's stupid.
SMOREPLAY: What Smurfs do before they smuck.
Raise your IQ-- eat gifted children.
Red meat isn't bad. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad!
Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens.
Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.
Practice good mirth control, use a conundrum.
Praise: What you receive when you are no longer alive.
Pray for the success of atheism.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Press all the keys at once to continue...
Press any key... NO! NOT THAT ONE!
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist.
Prostitute: Someone who sleeps using the Buddy System.
Prune: A plum that has seen better days.
Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
Patriotism: Willingness to kill or die for trivial
reasons.
Pedestrian: The most approachable chap in the world.
Pedestrians come in two types: Quick or Dead.
Perot/Bush/Quayle: The Milionaire, the Skipper &
Gilligan
Our program, who art in memory, EXE be thy name...
Obscenity exists to shock the elderly.
Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.
Old age and treachery will beat youth and enthusiasm.
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Never test for a condition you don't know how to handle.
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb
luck.
Nobody has ever learned all of WordPerfect.
Not a slob; a victim of a dysfuntional wastebasket.
Networks - computing method of shared blame.
Money can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of
misery.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Money won't buy happiness, but it will get a dinner
date.
Money won't buy happiness, but it's a great downpayment.
Mosquito: Designed by God to make flies seem better.
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
Murphy's law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
McBorgs - Over one billion assimilated!
Mary had a little lamb -- The doctor was very surprised.
MacIntosh: Computer with training wheels you can't
remove.
Machine-independent program: Will not run on any
machine.
Malice is merely stupidity raised to a higher power.
Man loves little and often, woman much and rarely.
Manuals: Never has so much been so confused by so many.
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Marketing is simply sales with a college education.
Love means having to say you're sorry every 5 minutes.
Love thy neighbor ... just never get caught.
Knowing Murphy's law won't help either.
Warning. Trespassers may be horribly mutilated.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Lawyers: the larval form of politicians.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Life has a lot of undocumented features.
Life is like......an analogy.
Join the Army, Meet interesting people, and Kill Them.
Junk - stuff we throw away. Stuff - junk we keep.
Jury: A group chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
It's not a bug, it's a hidden and seldom used feature.
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop.
It's okay to laugh in the bedroom, but don't point.
It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
Inflation is a result of legalized counterfeiting.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If it appeals to everyone, evangelists will target it.
If the shoe fits, it's not government issue.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If you can't speak softly, just use the stick.
Ignorance is temporary; stupidity is forever.
Illegal aliens are an American problem. Ask any Indian.
In case of atomic attack, prayer in schools will be OK.
I've never liked morticians, all they want is my body.
IBM Typing Method: See DOC# 1221-3122213-22 ppg
192-1634.
I'm with you all the way, at least until the cops
arrive.
I'm still an atheist, thank God -- Luis Bunuel
I never nake misteakes.
I prefer foolish over wicked. The foolish sometimes
rest.
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an
education.
I think ... therefore I am obviously overqualified.
I think, therefore, I am single.
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.
I wish life had scroll back - with cut and paste.
I'm having an out of money experience.
I'm miserable without you, it's like having you here.
I'm always, more or less, exact and precise.
I'm tolerant of your fruitcake-like beliefs.
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
I came; I saw; I screwed up.
I can be decisive, I think.
I can't be overdrawn, I still have cheques.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.
I didn't write this; a very complex macro did.
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I don't just tempt fate - I give it the finger.
I either want less corruption, or a chance to get in on
it.
I have a new "User Surly" computer...
I have a vitally important role serving as a bad
example.
Hungarian food is OK if you like dog tartare.
Human Being: An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.
Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
Heck's Angels: Born to be Mild.
Heisenberg may have been right.
Help. I'm trapped at 0D1C:01DA.
History doesn't repeat itself. Historians do.
History is a lie commonly agreed upon. - Neitzche
How do I set my laser printer to stun?
He who dies with the most of anything, is still dead.
He who hesitates is last.
Genealogy. Tracing descent from someone who didn't.
Gigabytes, more desireable than Mosquitobytes.
Girl who douche with vinegar walk round with sour puss.
Give me patience . RIGHT NOW.
God created people. Samuel Colt made them all equal.
God is real, unless declared integer.
God made everything out of nothing, and it shows.
Got kleptomania? Be sure to take something for it.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Expensive silk ties attract spaghetti sauce.
Fuck your friends. Enemies won't let you get that close.
Fame: Chiefly a matter of dying at the right moment.
Farfrompoopin...German word for constipation.
First the memory goes then...I forget the rest!
Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty
things.
Dry Ice: A Carbon Dioxymoron.
Due to inflation, all clouds will now be lined with
zinc.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Did you ever stop to think, and then forget to restart?
Dijon vu: the feeling you've tasted this mustard before.
Dilate: What happens when you live too long.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
Don't get mad, just win!
Don't just do something, sit there!
Dachshund: Half a dog high by a dog and a half long.
Dancing: A vertical manifestation of a horizontal
desire.
Dating: Social Anxiety.
Cat: a nice animal, frequently mistaken for a meatloaf.
Cats teach that not everything in nature has a function.
Celibacy: most unnatural of perversions.
Chaste makes waste.
Children: the most common sexually transmitted disease.
Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint him.
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Complex problems have easy to understand wrong answers.
Conscience: The inner voice warning somebody is looking.
Contraceptives: To be used on all conceivable occasions.
Corrugated iron is really groovy.
Curiosity killed the cat. What the heck they got 9
lives.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Bugs are sons of glitches.
Build a system a fool can use and only fools will use
it.
C code. C code run. Run code, run. PLEASE!
C programming means never having to say you're done.
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
CONgress (n) - Opposite of PROgress
Carpenters are just plane folks.
Bigamist: One who makes the same mistake twice.
Black holes are where God is dividing by zero.
Blame Murphy when you dig at the wrong end of a rainbow.
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the
earth.
Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
Blessed are the pessimists, for they have made backups.
Boredom -- the desire for desires -- Leo Tolstoy
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
BIGAMY: only crime where two rites make a wrong.
BOSS spelled backwards is Double S-O-B.
BREKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to
go!
Bachelor: A guy who has cheated a woman out of a
divorce.
Be spontaneous.......combust.
Avoid the 5 o'clock rush - always leave work at noon.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Assembly line workers do it over and over.
Apathy Error: Don't Bother Striking Any Key.
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
Architecture is the art of how to waste space.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're searching for.
An electrical engineer deals with current events.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
All the world's a stage. Where does the audience sit?
Always look out for #1 and be careful not to step in #2.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it
later.
After things go from bad to worse the cycle repeats.
Alimony is the screwing you get for the screwing you
got.
All Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
A shower is the halfway point between bed and world.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going
on.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.
A lie is terminological inexactitude.
A kind word and gun gets you more than a kind word
alone.
A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
A good hacker knows all the right MOVs.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
The most powerful force in the world is that of the
frisbee straining to land under a car, just out of reach.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth
shut.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling
to get out.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end
of the blackboard.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
Gravity is a myth. The earth sucks.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to
be lazy.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
handle.
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the
group divided by the number of people in the group.
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early
withdrawal)
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
I used all my sick days so I'm calling in dead.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random
features.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Talent does what it can, genius does what it must, I do
what I'm paid to do.
If you don't understand my silence, you won't understand
my words.
Work fascinates me. I could sit down and watch it for
hours.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed must be mad.
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in
trouble, delegate.
When it's you against the world, back the world.
When cryptography is outlawed, baly bhgynjf jvyy unir
cevinpl.
668: The Neighbour of the Beast
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am
not mad - Salvador Dali
"Time's fun when you're having flies" - Kermit the Frog
Demons are a Ghoul's best friend.
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write
it should be hard to understand.
Not dead - just "people of special metabolism."
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
It's all fun and games until someone loses a testicle;
then it's a sport.
Staring competition: Medusa-18901 Opponents-0
Is it OK to yell "MOVIE" in a crowded fire-station?
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
You are in a maze of twisty subroutines, all alike.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
It's as easy as
3.1415926535897+323846264338327950288419716
If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
Not breaking the rules, just testing their elasticity.
Go hence, and sin more creatively next time.
Death - 30,000,000,000 people can't be wrong.
Stop talking while I'm trying to interrupt.
Monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Hey Santa, how much for your list of naughty
girls?
Prostitution is sex and free enterprise. Which don't you
like?
Earthlings! Your weapons are useful on us! All we have
is this P.A.
Obscenity is the crutch if the inarticulate
motherfucker!
If you can't dazzle them with style, riddle them with
bullets.
The plural of luck is skill.
Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an
emergency on my part.
They call television a medium because it is neither rare
nor well-done.
If I can be of any help, you're in worse trouble than I
thought.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be
left to chance.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
You always find something in the last place you look.
Be kind to plants - eat more herbivores.
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether
submarines can swim.
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of
it.
Real programs don't eat cache.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. - Robert Heller
Think honk if you're a telepath.
Trust everybody, then cut the cards.
1024x768x256.... Sounds like one mean woman.
Why can't women remember to put the seat back up?
When I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails!
Red meat isn't bad. Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad!
A semi-conductor is a part-time musician.
Not a slob; a victim of a dysfunctional wastebasket.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time either.
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
How do I set my laser printer to stun?
Have an affair. It will break up the monogomy.
Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
A kind word and a gun get you more than a kind word
alone.
"`Contrariwise', continued Tweedledee, `If it was so, it
might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's
logic.'" - Lewis Carroll
"A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a
sword." - Robert Burton, English author and clergyman (1577-1640)
"A book may be compared to the life of your neighbor. If
it be good, it cannot last too long; if bad, you cannot get rid of it too
early." - H. Brooke
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have
read and nobody has read." - Mark Twain
"A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you
could eat what you watch." - Hermione Gingold, actress-comedienne (1897-1987)
"A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually
has his suspicions. " - Wilson Mizner
"A friend is one who warns you." - Near East proverb
"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D.
Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B." - Fats Domino
"A man is a critic when he cannot be an artist, in the
same way that a man becomes an informer when he cannot be a soldier." - Gustave
Flaubert
"A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green,
which otherwise would heal and do well." - Francis Bacon
"A painting in a museum probably hears more foolish
remarks than anything else in the world." - Edmond & Jules Goncourt
"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a
statistic." - Joseph Stalin
"A stitch in time would have confused Einstein." -
anonymous
"A truth that's told with bad intent|Beats all the Lies
you can invent" - William Blake, English poet, artist (1757-1827)
"America did not invent human rights. In a very real
sense, it is the other way around. Human rights invented America." - Jimmy
Carter
"America is a fortunate country. She grows by the
follies of our European nations." - Napoleon
"America is the only country that went from barbarism to
decadence without civilization in between." - Oscar Wilde
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his
head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you
esteem your own reputation for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company."
George Washington
"Astronomy compels the soul to look upward and leads us
from this world to another." - Plato
"Being kissed by a man who didn't wax his moustache was
like eating an egg without salt." - Rudyard Kipling
"Beware of the man who won't be bothered with details."
- William Feather, Sr.
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no
influence on society." - Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
"Common-looking people are the best in the world: that
is the reason the lord makes so many of them." - Abraham Lincoln
"Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing
evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with
others." - Ambrose Bierce, American author (1842-1914)
"Doctrine is nothing but the skin of truth set up and
stuffed." - Beecher
"Don't be so humble. You're not that great." - Golda
Meir
"Eat to please thyself, but dress to please others." -
Benjamin Franklin
"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain
an artist after he grows up." - Pablo Picasso
"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we
have to alter it every six months." - Oscar Wilde, British playwright, poet, and
novelist (1854-1900)
"He is not an honest man who has burned his tongue and
does not tell the company that the soup is hot." - Yugoslav proverb
"He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will
strike." - William Shakespeare
"He that is proud eats up himself; pride is his own
glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle." - William Shakespeare
"He that would perfect his work must first sharpen his
tools." - Confucius
"He who hurries cannot walk with dignity." - fortune
cookie
"Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history
that man can never learn anything from history." - George Bernard Shaw
"Here's to your love, health, and wealth--and time to
enjoy each." - Spanish Proverb
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it
from betting on people." - W.C. Fields
"I always say that, next to a battle lost, the greatest
misery is a battle gained." - the Duke of Wellington
"I avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep
going forward." - Charlotte Bronte, English author (1816-1855)
"I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a
word one way." - Mark Twain
"I know that there are people who do not love their
fellow man, and I hate people like that!" - Tom Lehrer, Satirist and Professor
"I look forward to an America which will not be afraid
of grace and beauty." - John F. Kennedy
"I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at
least five years." - Samuel Goldwyn
"I once played a sheriff who thought he could do the job
without a gun. I was dead in twenty-seven minutes of a thirty minute show." -
Ronald Reagan
"I predict that exact reproduction through cloning will
not become popular. Too many people already find it difficult to live with
themselves." - Jeanne Dixon
"I'm always fascinated by the way memory diffuses fact."
- Diane Sawyer
"I've gone into hundreds of (fortune-tellers' parlors),
and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a
policewoman getting ready to arrest her." - N. Y. C. detective
"I've often said that my rats have taught me much more
than I've taught them." - B. F. Skinner
"If all the cars in the United States were placed end to
end, it would probably be Labor Day weekend." - Doug Larson
"If death did not exist today it would be necessary to
invent it." - Count Jean Baptiste Milhoud
"If God lived on earth, people would knock out all his
windows" - Yiddish saying
"If the aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western
civilization would presumably flunk it." - Stanley Garn
"If there is a gun hanging on the wall in the first act,
it must fire in the last." - Anton Chehkov, advice to a novice playwright.
"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?" -
Art Hoppe
"If you hear a wise sentence or an apt phrase, commit it
to your memory." - Sir Henry Sidney
"In a painting I want to say something comforting." -
Vincent van Gogh
"In America there are two classes of travel - first
class, and with children." - Robert Benchley
"In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary, 'patriotism' is
defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an
enlightened but inferior lexicographer, I beg to submit that it is the first." -
Ambrose Bierce, American writer
"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in
French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language." -
Mark Twain
"Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere." -
Orben's Current Commedy
"Inform all the troops that communications have
completely broken down." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"It is bad luck to be superstitious" - Andrew W. Mathis
"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively
and still carry a tune." - Woody Allen
"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of
light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." - Woody
Allen
"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a
good impromptu speech." - Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
"It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould
inevitably have been always thus." - Dean Lattimer
"It's said that pigeons are the smartest people around;
they're always getting the drop on the rest of us." - Anonymous
"Journalists are like whores; as high as their ideals
may be, they still have to resort to tricks to make money." - A. Cygni
"Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would
make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it." - Mark
Twain
"Keep a stiff upper chin." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Let's have some new cliches." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Love your neighbors, but don't pull down the fence." -
Chinese proverb.
"Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler." -
Albert Einstein
"Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper
when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason." -
Oscar Wilde, British playwright, poet, and novelist (1854-1900)
"Man is the only animal that blushes... or needs to." -
Mark Twain, American Writer (1835-1910)
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most
of the time he will pick himself up and continue on." - Winston Churchill,
British statesman and writer (1874-1965)
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms." -
Groucho Marx
"My husband gave me a permanent wave, and now he's
gone." - Dawn Messer
"Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed
the river." - Cordel Hull
"Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make
a living; the other helps you make a life." - Sandra Carey
"No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a
church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve...." - Mercutio, Romeo & Juliet, Act
III, scene I, William Shakespeare
"No affectation of peculiarity can conceal a commonplace
mind." - W. Somerset Maugham
"No one has ever bet enough on a winning horse." -
Richard Sasuly
"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." - Ralph
Waldo Emerson
"Nothing so needs reforming as other peoples' habits." -
Mark Twain
"One should never make one's debut in a scandal. One
should reserve that to give interest to one's old age." - Oscar Wilde
"Our bodies are our gardens, to which our wills are
gardeners." - William Shakespeare
"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved
by understanding" - Albert Einstein
"Peace may cost as much as war, but it is a better buy."
- Anonymous
"Pedestrians never seem to realize that they are a
threat to the safety of cars." - Thomas Sowell
"People who have what they want are fond of telling
people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it." - Ogden Nash,
American humorist and poet (1902-1971)
"Prejudice is the reason of fools." - Voltaire
"Proverbs are mental gems gathered in the diamond
districts of the mind." - W. R. Alger
"Put more trust in nobility of character than in an
oath." - Solon
"Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and to
think what nobody else has thought." - Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
"Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but
they are more deadly in the long run." - Mark Twain
"Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot;
others transform a yellow spot into the sun." - Pablo Picasso
"Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is
a kind of order that sets me free to fly." - Julie Andrews
"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive
away if your car could go straight upwards." - Fred Hoyle
"Take from me the hope that I can change the future and
you will send me mad." - Israel Zangwill
"Tell the truth and run." - Yugoslav proverb
"The author of the Iliad is either Homer or, if not
Homer, somebody else of the same name." - Aldous Huxley
"The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to
write a book about it." - Benjamin Disraeli
"The despot, be assured, lives night and day like one
condemned to death by the whole of mankind for his wickedness." - Xenophon
"The dogs bark, but the caravan passes." - Near East
proverb
"The first condition of immortality is death." -
Stanislaw Lec
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." -
Shakespeare: Henry VI, Part 2, act ii
"The fixity of a habit is generally in direct proportion
to it's absurdity." - Proust
"The flush toilet is the basis of western civilization."
- Alan Coult
"The genius, wit, and spirit of a nation are discovered
by their proverbs." - Francis Bacon
"The greatest use of life is to spend it for something
that will outlast it." - William James
"The man who has nothing to boast of but his ancestry is
like a potato. The only good belonging to him is underground." - Sir Thomas
Overbury
"The polar ice cap is melting and all you can do is look
at reruns of Barney Miller?" - 'What A Guy', by Bill Hoest
"The Show-off is always shown up in a showdown." -
fortune cookie.
"The true artist will let his wife starve, his children
go barefoot, his mother drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at
anything by his art." - George Bernard Shaw
"The unnatural, that too is natural." - Göthe
"There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable,
justifiable, and praiseworthy." - Ambrose Bierce
"There are no friends at cards or world politics." - F.
P. Dunne
"There are no second acts in American lives." - F. Scott
Fitzgerald, American Author (1896-1940)
"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at
a typewriter and open a vein." - Red Smith
"There was never a good war or a bad peace." - Benjamin
Franklin
"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have
erased this line " - Oscar Levant
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were
before." - Dwight D. Eisenhower
"Those who welcome death have only tried it from the
ears up." - Wilson Mizner
"Throw a lucky man in the sea, and he will come up with
a fish in his mouth." - Arab proverb
"Tip the world over on its side and everything loose
will land in Los Angeles." - Frank Lloyd Wright
"To be seen is the ambition of ghosts, and to be
remembered is the ambition of the dead." - Norman O. Brown
"Trapped, like a trap in a trap." - Dorothy Parker
"Truth has a way of shifting under pressure." - Curtis
Bok, U. S. federal judge (1897-1962)
"Universities are designed for the convenience of the
faculty, not for the convenience of the students." - Adam Smith
"Unless a man feels he has a good memory, he should
never venture to lie." - Montaigne
"Using words to describe magic is like using a
screwdriver to cut roast beef." - Tom Robbins
"Virtue is like a rich stone, best plain set." - Francis
Bacon
"War is just when it is necessary; arms are permissible
when there is no hope except in arms." - Machiavelli
"Washington is a city of southern efficiency and
northern charm." - John F. Kennedy
"We forgive once we give up attachment to our wounds." -
Lewis Hyde
"We have all passed a lot of water since then." - Samuel
Goldwyn
"We have really everything in common with America
nowadays except, of course, language." - Oscar Wilde
"We hold these truths to be self-evident: all men could
be cremated equal." - Vern Parlow
"We seem to believe it is possible to ward off death by
following rules of good grooming." - Don Delillo
"We should distrust any enterprise that requires new
clothes." - Henry David Thoreau
"What time hath scanted men in hair, he hath given them
in wit." - William Shakespeare
"When a dog bites a man, that's not news because it
happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news." - John Bogart,
American journalist (1845-1921)
"When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth." -
George Bernard Shaw
"When the man who knows all about the fruit fly
chromosomes finds himself sitting next to an authority on Beowulf, there may be
an uneasy silence." - Brand Blanshard
"When you return to your boyhood town, you find it
wasn't the town you longed for. It was your boyhood." - Earl Wilson
"Whenever I hear the word culture, I reach for my
revolver." - Hermann Goring
"White hair is not a sign of wisdom, only age" - Greek
proverb
"Whoever tells the truth is chased out of nine
villages." - Turkish proverb
"With the monstrous weapons man already has, humanity is
in danger of being trapped in this world by it's moral adolescents." - Omar N.
Bradley, American general (1893-1981)
"Words wound. But as a veteran of twelve years in the
united states senate, I happily attest that they do not kill." - Lyndon Johnson.
"Working as a journalist is exactly like being a
wallflower at an orgy." - Nora Ephron
"Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net
down." - Robert Frost
"You can't say civilizations don't advance . . . in
every war they kill you in a new way." - Will Rogers
"You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself,
and how little I deserve it." - W.S. Gilbert
"Young men are fitter to invent than to judge, fitter
for execution than for counsel, fitter for new projects than settled business."
- Francis Bacon
"May you live all the days of your life." - Jonathan
Swift (1667-1745) Irish Writer
"April weather, rain and sunshine both together." -
English Country Saying
"After dinner, rest a while, after supper, walk a mile."
- Arab Proverb
"What is the use of running when you are on the wrong
road." - Proverb
"Make hay while the sun shines." - Proverb
"Fish and visitors smell in three days." - Benjamin
Franklin (1706-1790) US Statesman
"You can never plan the future by the past." - Edmund
Burke (1729-1797) British Politician
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all
its pupils." - Hector Berlioz (1803-1869) French Composer
"They who lose today may win tomorrow." - Miguel De
Cervantes
"Don't just move to the music, listen to what I'm
saying." - Bob Marley
"John Wayne is dead. The hell I am!" - Anonymous
Graffiti
"A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad." -
Samuel Goldwyn
"I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a
tree." - Alfred Joyce Kilmer
"Can't act, can't sing, slightly bald. Can dance a
little." - Fred Astaire
"An actors a guy who, if you ain't talking about him,
ain't listening." - Marlon Brando
"Once your dead, your made for life." - Jimi Hendrix
"In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door
shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture." - Nancy Banks Smith,
The Guardian 1969
Aunt Em - Hate you, hate Kansas. Taking the dog.
Dorothy.
Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet
engines.
You never know who's swimming naked till the tide goes
out.
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Corruption is a
crime. Crime doesn't pay. So if you keep studying you'll go broke!
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges
didn't live there.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
from?
So what is the speed of dark?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before
getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people
at the special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they
taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s
in it?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but
always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes then why do we
still have monkeys and apes?
I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing!
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a
lot.
I am as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is
indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
I'm not playing hard to get, I am hard to get!
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very
important that you do it - Ghandi
We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the
impossible for the ungrateful.
The one who dies with the most toys wins.
If you don't understand my silence you won't understand
my words.
Love means having to say you're sorry every five
minutes.
I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality.
Never offend with style when you can offend with
substance.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
You can tell the men from the boys by the price of their
toys.
It's been Monday all week today.
It's not easy for a night person to work days.
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in
trouble, delegate.
Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the
leather straps - Emo Phillips
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's
less confusing that way.
Life is short: take risks. If you win, you'll be happy;
if you lose, you'll be wise.
I am a mistake - legalise prostitution.
Lower the age of puberty.
Help stamp out philately.
Drive defensively - buy a tank!
Help a nun kick the habit.
Eggheads of the wold unite! You have nothing to lose but
your yokes.
Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends.
Start the day with a smile - get it over with.
Up with miniskirts! Down with hotpants!
To save face - keep lower half shut.
Visit your mother today. Maybe she hasn't had any
problems lately.
Birth-control pills are habit forming.
Help get rid of the lunatic fringe - support your local
barber.
Autopsy is a dying practice.
Anarchists unite!
Identify your friends by their enemies.
Support your local police force - steal.
Life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit.
Enjoy a good laugh - go to work on a feather.
Only dirty people need to wash.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee
breaks.
The difference between this company and a cactus plant
is that the plant has pricks on the outside.
The best-laid plans of mice and men... are filed away
somewhere.
You'll never be the man your mother was.
An elephant is a mouse drawn to government
specifications.
Florists are just petal pushers.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day
keeps everyone away.
If you can keep your head when all about are losing
theirs, maybe you've misunderstood the situation.
The world is your oyster, so eat it!
What has posterity ever done for me?
Sudden prayers make God jump.
Alimony is paying for something you don't get.
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Even dirty old men need love.
King Kong taught me to love.
Lassie kills chickens.
You think Oedipus had a problem - Adam was Eve's mother!
Cinderella married for money.
If you can stay calm when all around you is in chaos...
then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in
large groups.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.
You have to bin some to win some.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
42.7 %. Of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people
have.
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your
life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
payments.
OK, so what is the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have
film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just **** off and leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan
belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going
to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't
getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember: you're unique ... just like everyone
else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone Ł20 and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.
Some days you are the fly; some days you are the
windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of
that comes from bad judgment.
Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side and a
dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women - neither
one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your
lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry and then we get
slapped on our bottom ... and it goes downhill from there.
It's the fat pig that feels the butcher's knife -
Chinese proverb
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two
tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count
votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but
broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine fully
recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint
mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a
small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.