(Some more of my thoughts...)
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- I'm still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Did you ever notice when you blow in a Inu's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.
- I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
- Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
- I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
- A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- It maybe that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes... That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone 2000 yen, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- Don't squat with your spurs on.
- If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
- Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side; and it holds the universe together.
- Always finish what ever you