(You can learn from these!)
- When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
- The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
- I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
- It was all so different before everything changed.
- Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
- There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.