Everyone loves reading about their own horoscopes, right?
(Don't take these seriously!)
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you're a F***ing jerk.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - Mar. 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the F.B.I or the C.I.A. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack convidence and are a general dips*it.
Aries
Mar.21 - Apr.19
You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
Taurus
Apr.20 - May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
Gemini
May 21 - June 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on insects.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a s*it. Everybody in prison is a cancer.
Leo
July 23 - Aug.22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you're an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are theiving mother-f***ers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.
Virgo
Aug.23 - Sept.22
You are a logical type and hate disorder. This s*it-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra
Sept.23 - Oct.22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male you are probably a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio
Oct.23 - Nov.21
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-b*tch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius
Nov.22 - Dec.21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarian. You are not worth the time of day.
Capricorn
Dec.22 - Jan.19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickensh*t. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.