An Officer and a Gentle Drew

THE DREW CAREY SHOW

Written by:
David Feinman

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1.
(COLD OPEN/A)

COLD OPENING

SCENE A

INT. DREW'S OFFICE - DAY
(LARRY, DREW, MIMI, VARIOUS KIDS, LEWIS, ATMOSPHERE)

(DREW IS SEATED AT HIS DESK TALKING TO LARRY WHO IS SEATED
ACROSS FROM HIM GOBBLING DOWN A SLOPPY HAMBURGER.)

LARRY

Drew, this is great. You need to

go to Chubbyburger.

DREW

Why? So everyone can laugh at me?

"Look, a chubby guy at Chubbyburger."

LARRY

You live in a sad, sad world.

DREW

Yeah right. I've seen you walk a

mile to avoid parking in front of

the Hair Club for Men.

(MIMI ENTERS AND UNFURLS A HUGE BANNER IN FRONT OF DREW'S
DESK. DREW READS IT OUT LOUD.)

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2.
(COLD OPEN/A)

DREW (CONT'D)

"Hey, kids, have your picture taken

with the original Chubbyman"

(ON THE BANNER, WE SEE A CARICATURE OF DREW DRESSED IN A
CHECKERED APRON AND A CHEF'S HAT, STRIKING A BOB'S BIG BOY
POSE. MIMI GRABS A BURGER AND HANDS IT TO DREW.)

MIMI

Keep your mouth shut and eat.

(MIMI CROSSES TO THE ENTRANCE AND ADDRESSES AN OFFSTAGE CROWD.)

Okay, listen up. We're going to do

this nice and orderly or I swear

I'll kill every last one of you.

(A CROWD OF SCREAMING KIDS AND LEWIS RUSH IN AND SURROUND DREW.)

VARIOUS KIDS

It's Chubbyman. We love you

Chubbyman.

(AS DREW IS SURROUNDED BY SCREAMING KIDS, PARENTS FILL THE
ROOM SNAPPING PHOTOS. KIDS ARE CLIMBING ALL OVER DREW.
DEJECTED AND DEFEATED, DREW TAKES A BITE OF THE BURGER. FROM
THE FRINGE OF THE CROWD, LEWIS BEGINS SLOWLY WORKING HIS WAY
TOWARD THE CENTER, PUSHING KIDS ASIDE. FINALLY, LEWIS IS
ALONE IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM WITH DREW. A HUSH FALLS OVER
THE CROWD. ALL EYES ARE ON LEWIS WHO CAREFULLY LOOKS DREW UP
AND DOWN.)

LEWIS

HEY! This isn't Chubbyman. I'm

sorry, kids. It looks like she

duped us again.

DISSOLVE TO:

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3.
(COLD OPEN/B)

COLD OPENING

SCENE B

INT. DREW'S KITCHEN - DAY
(KATE, DREW, OSWALD, LEWIS)

(KATE AND OSWALD ARE SEATED. DREW PUTS AWAY GROCERIES. KATE
PULLS A MAGAZINE OUT OF ONE OF THE BAGS.)

KATE

Drew, this is Cosmopolitan. Is there

something you want to tell us?

DREW

Yeah. Leave my stuff alone.

OSWALD

A grown man reading Cosmo on a

Sunday. We don't deserve the Browns.

DREW

Sundays are the death of hope.

KATE

You're hopeless every day. Besides

what do you care if Monday's coming?

You like your job.

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4.
(COLD OPEN/B)

DREW

It's not the job. It's Mimi. I mean

I don't look a thing like Chubbyman.

(KATE AND OSWALD AD-LIB AGREEMENT BEFORE SNICKERING.)

KATE

You know, Drew, women love Chubbyman.

DREW

Really?

KATE

If I say yes will you put on the

apron and pose with me?

OSWALD

Just do what I do when dealing with

unpleasant women. It's foolproof.

KATE

Oswald, he can't just cover his

ears and sing I can't hear you.

(OSWALD COVERS HIS EARS AND SINGS.)

OSWALD

I can't hear you.

DREW

I think this article will help.

OSWALD

Lose 10 Pounds and Your Virginity

in 2.2 Days?

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5.
(COLD OPEN/B)

DREW

(EXCITED)

Oooh. I didn't see that one.

Anyway, I meant the other one.

"Your Co-Worker and You: The Stairway

to Heaven in Six Easy Steps"

OSWALD

Yeah. That'll help.

(LEWIS ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM. HE IS COVERED WITH GREASE.)

DREW

Lewis, I thought you left before.

LEWIS

No. I was upstairs in the bathroom.

DREW

This whole time. I guess it's a

good thing I bought this.

(DREW PULLS OUT A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER FROM A GROCERY BAG.)

LEWIS

Nooooo. I haven't done that outside

my house since the Cathy Radcliffe

incident in the second grade.

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6.
(COLD OPEN/B)

KATE

Oh, yes. That was a difficult time

for all of us.

LEWIS

I put new washers in for you.

DREW

Gee, I kind of liked the old ones.

LEWIS

I'm taking a plumbing by mail class.

DREW

Really? Your mailman must love you.

LEWIS

The first thing you learn is it's

never too early to replace a washer.

OSWALD

And it's never too early to wash.

(OSWALD HANDS LEWIS A WASHCLOTH.)

KATE

Look at you. You're a mess. That

DrugCo furlough is taking a toll.

LEWIS

The irony is I always thought I was

destined for the life of leisure.

DREW

Leisure costs money. You were broke

when you had a job.

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7.
(COLD OPEN/B)

LEWIS

Tell me about it. I can't even pay

my parking tickets.

(LEWIS GRABS A COUPLE OF BEERS AND HANDS ONE TO OSWALD WHO
TAKES IT GINGERLY TO AVOID GETTING DIRTY.)

OSWALD

Look on the bright side. You've

got no place to drive to anyway.

LEWIS

That's the problem. The longer I

leave the car parked in front of my

house the more tickets I get.

DREW

Just move the car.

LEWIS

Are you paying for the gas? I'm

telling you, I've gotta get a job.

(OSWALD WASHES OFF HIS BEER AT THE SINK. AS HE TURNS ON THE
FAUCET, WATER FLIES OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE. HE'S DRENCHED.)

OSWALD

Well, it's safe to say we can cross

plumbing off the list.

DISSOLVE TO:

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8.
(I/C)

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