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My World and Welcome to ItThe Hollywood Freeway is just the BQE only they chopped up the hills instead of Greenpoint and the Laurel Canyon Pass is the Midtown Tunnel except you don't pay a toll when you hit Ventura Blvd, so North Hollywood out to Van Nuys is Queens and Sherman Oaks is Forest Hills. Only don't think the 101 is the LIE because the first thing you learn is the 405 is the LIE. The second thing you learn is something you always knew: You never take the LIE unless you absolutely have to and you never absolutely have to take the LIE. The rest of the Valley out past Woodland Hills is Nassau County so Ventura is Suffolk except I've never been there but don't worry - I'm sure it's Suffolk - all the cops live there. Oh but the Hamptons aren't there but one day they'll discover the Hamptons aren't really in Suffolk anyway. Now if you need me to tell you this you don't need to know but the Hamptons are in Palm Springs, except in the middle of the summer they move them to Santa Barbara. Okay. Orange County is Connecticut -- never go there unless you're getting paid. You don't even have to drive through it; not even to get to Boston since I think that's in San Francisco. Well, maybe not -- but who really cares about either one of those towns? Downtown L.A. is Wall Street -- nobody I know goes to either one of those places. Okay. The bad news is we haven't got pizza and we haven't got subways but the good news is we have burritos and we haven't got subways plus the cab drivers are kind of nice since no one needs them and after awhile you realize burritos are pizza so the dumpier the place the better the slice except it's the opposite of New York so the free-standing buildings have the best burritos. Now the weird part is they put most of the poor people like sixteen miles away instead of sixteen blocks. They're over in East L.A., South Central, and even way out in places like Pocoima so like if you don't want to think about them you sort of don't have to except you sort of do especially if you're gonna watch the news or if you get a car with untinted windows or like if there's an earthquake or a riot. Of course, there's nothing here or anywhere like the Verrazano Narrows Bridge but then there's nothing here or anywhere that's like New Jersey plus LA has billboards for Angelyne and where else can you find that? Okay, I think that's it. You're all set for L.A. unless maybe you're not from N.Y. but then everyone who comes to L.A. should come from New York anyway, right? So if you're from someplace else and thinking of coming to L.A. my advice to you is move to New York first. Then move to L.A. once you understand. 
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