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False Starts i
i am not the first to say it
but i'll repeat it
poetry and comedy are just lies
and the racetrack is more like life
than anything i know
there are people everywhere
yet you are alone
the odds stacked against you
and you have to make choices
life's choices only matter every now and then
while at the racetrack every decision matters
you see the difference right then and there;
so understand that it is not about gambling
it is about knowing who you are
remember that june day
after you got laid off
we sat in belmont's backyard
it was so beautiful
and i said to you
let's just see what happens
if we try right now
so we did
underfinanced
somewhat ill-prepared
not unlike that day in my car
when i asked you to marry me
ii
if there is a god
then he plays the horses
and he plays them at belmont park
so (again like our marriage)
we started out
in the presence of god
belmont was hard
we were scared
we pressed too hard
yet though we were behind
we decided to head up to saratoga
for a month and a week
saratoga wasn't easy either
but we did our work
each of us
buried in the racing form
and we studied our bets
to see what went wrong
and by the end of the month
things were going better
and we had some confidence
back at belmont
a slow turnaround
continued
until
finally
last day of the meet
last race of the day
we pulled off the big score
after five long months
we were in the black
we moved over to aqueduct
where every day seems the same
familiarity breeds contempt
except to those who pay attention
we went back and forth
but we were learning
a lot about ourselves
remember the day we realized
that everytime we'd win big
we'd cut down our bets
so as not to feel invincible
only after a day of that
we'd start making
bad choices all the time
when we think we have a cushion
is when we are at our worst
iii
then they switched to the inner track
which is what we were waiting for
and bang bang
mr. aquilino and mr. parisella
put us ahead for good
because we had learned
how to deal with a cushion
well
we thought we had
iv
soon it was january
a new year a new decision
we had accomplished a lot
more than i thought we could
forgive me for saying this but
i was impressed by us
all that time
day in
and
day out
at the track
three thousand dollars
became more than sixty three hundred
now listen to me everyone
i do not care if you are my father
or if you are my brother
and i do not care if you
are some stranger i have never met
i do not care
because this is the truth
if you can play the horses
everyday for months
never tap out
and double your stake
then you can do
just about anything
and we did that
and we can do
anything
this is not boasting because
it is the truth
v
there are a lot of truths at the track
one of them says that 3300 dollars
divided by 8 months doesn't pay the rent
especially when clubs are closing
and the landlord's selling the house
a decision had to be made
we decided we had won
together
we knew what we could do
but it takes money to do it
so we decided
to move to LA
vi
now you are back in an office
and i seem stuck behind the keyboard
which is not why i came here
haven't been to the track in a month
we went to hollywood park when
the horses were at Delmar
we sat in the grandstand
and watched the tv
and i looked around
for charles bukowski
and half-expected him to be there
do you remember in the hotel room at saratoga
when i read mr. bukowski's poem to you
i am the horseplayer who became the racetrack
i am myself alone with a racing form and a program
the words were so beautiful we both could have cried
but instead we went back to our racing forms
somehow i wanted to show him
that i was not alone that you
don't have to live alone
then i looked at you
and wondered
if i was
alone
decisions all the time
all the time decisions
vii
you told me about your separate bankroll
you turned 40 dollars into 400 plus
must have laughed at our 3300
can't say i was surprised by it
you can survive at the track
with or without me
and life is like the racetrack
except at the racetrack
you know where you stand
for 8 months we were together
every day at the track
fighting and winning the same war
when we realized what we had done together
we thought that we were invincible
but we should have known
we would take foolish risks
because we thought we had a cushion
now eight months and
a whole new life later and
for no reason i can think of
we look at each other
and wonder
if we are alone
viii
and so another decision to be made
and soon the breeders cup at belmont park
and i am saying
let's go to belmont park
and not to recapture what we have lost
at the racetrack
chasing after what has been lost
will always be a sure way to lose more
the racetrack is more like life
than anything i know
let's go to belmont park
where god (if there is a god)
intended for us to make wise decisions
let's decide to start again
to take another chance on
us
we have shown time
and time again
we can do just that
and win
we have shown
we can win
together
ix
you and me
me and you
together
Us
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