God created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why He began His earthly project in the first place. He replied that He just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light," and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about themal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire; that He would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said He would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was okay until God said He wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then it would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.

14) Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
13) Enjoy being a sophmore -- it will be the best three years of your life.
12) Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until someone loses their 'nads.
11) Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
10) Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into a lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.
9) If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
8) Boring lecture? Start a wave!
7) College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.
6) "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.
5) Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
4) Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.
3) Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
2) Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as acing Biology.
1) In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer subsitute in you breakfast cereal.

10) Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you are, the easier it is to get laid.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6) It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else.
5) Fifty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if little kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the next morning.
1) You can "do" the whole neighborhood!

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of “It’s a Small World”.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, “Noogie patrol coming!”
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I’ve got new socks on!”
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, “Oh not now, damn motion sickness!”
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers that you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, “gotta go, gotta go,” then sigh and say “oops!”
23. Show the other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” while continuously pushing buttons. 25. Holler “chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says, “human head” on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp and then say, “mmmmm....tasty!”
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to the other passengers “through” it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “is that your beeper?”
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, “I must find a more suitable host body.”
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job interferes with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a cas -- coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem.
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
At an AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is ...uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, you underwear is in the bathroom, and you fell asleep clothed...hmmm.
The whole bar says "hi" when you come in.
You think the 4 basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize girlfriend unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
you wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash him hands with soap?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do a "practice"?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
When sign makers go on strike, is there anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you read the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at the toilet?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are construction workers afraid of 13th floors, but book publishers aren't worried about publishing Chapter 11?
Why do they report power outages on TV?

1) He had only one major publication.
2) It was in ancient Hebrew.
3) It had no references.
4) It wasn't published in a respectable journal.
5) Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6) It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7) His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8) The scientific community had had a hard time replicating his results.
9) He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10) When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11) When the subjects didn't behave as he predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12) He rarely came to class, he just told his students to read the book.
13) Some say he had his son teach the class.
14) He expelled his first two students for learning.
15) Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16) His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

1) Are you saying that I'm not good enough for Jack-in-the-Box?
2) Hey dad, are there any openings at your office?
3) I just can't take it anymore. The pressure! The Pressure! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!! (Click)
4) Mom, send me some neosporin. I seem to have a lot of cold sores.
5) I'm coming out of the closet! Just kidding...hello? Hello, anyone there?
6) I don't know, I think a nipple ring is very fashion conscious.
7) Who are you again?
8) Come to think of it, you're right! You're always right! I'm not going to make any more decisions! you can just take over my life, you manipulative bitch!
9) Mom, you too can be saved.
10) I need more money for my gambling ring.
11) Hold on a second, I have to get rid of the body.
12) I'm on page 54, right after the centerfold.
13) Have you ever tried Vivarin! I mean tried a lot of it at once! It's amazing! I wrote 2 papers, memorized the Spanish to English dictionary, made sis a sweater, invented a new way to dry laundry, and I- my heart...I can't bre-
14) From now on, you'll call me Mohammed.
15) I'd love to talk to you, but I have more important things in my life to do.
16) Hey mom, you know how you and dad got married at 20, well...
17) I never realized how many ways you can use petroleum jelly!
18) This is my home away from home. I have new friends, and a family here with two kids, and, um, forget what I just said.
19) There's only one thing left to do - kill the both of you!
20) Mom, dad, there are so many fucking parties here! Are you listening?

Lawyers are seldom funny -- unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2) Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3) Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' Q: Did he kill you?
4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5) Were you alone or by yourself?
6) How long have you been a French Canadian?
7) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
8) Do you have any children, or anything of that kind?
9) Q: I will show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated.
12) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
13) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time?
14) So you were gone until you returned?
15) Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls?
16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet.
19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 pm. Q: And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is this correct? A: No.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord lets you keep some of the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM. You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, slaughters them to feed the troops, and drafts you. DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They out-vote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Both major parties promise to give you two more cows if you vote for them. After the election, the losing party tries to impeach the President for speculating in cow futures. The media dubs the affair "Cowgate."

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government assures everyone that everything is fine.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it requires you to fill out forms -- in triplicate -- to account for the missing milk.

NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. You do whatever you like with them as long as you don't interfere with the lives or property of other people.

WHAT AM I????