The One and Only:
Turd List III
In the future all turds will be perfectly round and will go "Plop!" when they hit the toilet.
But for now we have to settle with these:
Last Updated: September 8, 1996 10:44 PM PST
- The Little Too Late Turd
- The one that comes out just as you stand up and pull on your pants.
- The Prayer Turd
- The Prayer Turd is when you finish your dump and look over at the
toilet paper and there is only enough for one wipe so you pray to god that it
will be a dry turd.
- The Suitcase Turd (by Hedonist)
- The turd that is so hard to get out you finally decide to end it all.
- The Cannonball Turd
- The kind where you know that as soon as it drops, your butt will be splashed
with water.
- The Homesick Turd
- Turd that you discover, after thinking it long flushed, has returned home.
- The Atomic Blast Turd
- The turd that smells soooo nasty, life on Pluto falls over and dies.
- The Spray Can Turd
- When you fart and the turd sprays all over the toilet bowl (sometime even
on the seat).
- The Coin Turd
- The one when you swallow a quarter, dump it out the next day, pick it out of the
turd, then spend it.
- The "What-The-Hell-Did-I-Just-Do?" Turd
- This thing is so big it kinda looks like it's staring back at you. You feel like
if you flush it, you might kill it or something and that it'll come back
for revenge and kill your dog and kids.
- The Contemplating Turd
- Does a turd in the toilet go "Plop!" when there is no one around to hear
it?
- The Star Wars Turd
- The one that looks like Yoda and gives you special powers.
- The Disolving Turd
- The turd that came out solid but then melted and turned the water all
murky brown.
- The Pressurized Turd
- The turd that comes out so fast that you wonder what is going on. Then
after it is finished coming out, you let out a big fart that was behind it pushing
it out.
- The Explosive Turd
- It is the kind that hits hard and comes out so fast that you think you are
going to shoot off the toilet bowl through the ceiling.
- The "It`s Too Late Now" Turd/DT>
- After holding it in for too long, you try and go, but nothing comes out. You
know it's still in there, though. Needless to say, very uncomfortable.
- The Clay Turd
- The poopie that is so big, hard and so difficult to get out of your butt
that you have to stand up and sit down a few times to mold it into the right
shape to get rid of it.
- The Buddhist Turd
- The one that requires an hour of meditation.
- The Rawhide Turd
- Turd you hold in so long that when you finally let it go, it comes out
very smooth like leather.
- The Politically Correct Turd
- Turd that isn't too long, isn't too short, floats and sinks, and doesn't smell.
- The School Water Fountain Turd
- The kind that comes out so fast and furious so it causes dirty toilet water
to splash up on your butt. Then that makes you feel unfresh all the
rest of the day.
- The Peanut Turd
- Here you get leftover peanuts in your turds. You usually see these on airplanes.
- The Fart Suprise Turd
- When you go in there sit on the toilet fart once. Then you're already empty so
you get up the toilet is full of turds.
- The Cracker Turd
- The turd that looks like that cracker you had a few minutes ago.
- The Alien Turd
- Green. That says it.
- The Silly String Turd
- A thin turd that swirls around the bowl in one, continuous, unbroken link.
Generally it will leave it's mark after flushing. You have the urge to call
someone to come and look.
- The Dingleberry Turd
- This is a probably a living turd. After a well taken dump (often Rabbit Turd),
you flush. However the Dingleberry never goes down. It sits at the bottom
looking up at you. Often you leave before you see it, but the next person will.
The next person usually finds another stall because they are afraid of the
Dingleberry, like the Dingleberry is saying, "Go away. Get the hell out of
here. This is my home."
- The Magic Turd
- Possibly the most perfect turd. It is like the Clean Turd because you
don't have to wipe, but like the Ghost Turd it dissapears. You do feel
very relieved and like you have done a good job though.
- UFO Turd
- This turd usually comes whenever you see flying saucers in the sky, a ghost in your house or are taking a dump at school or work.
- Explosion Turd
- This turd is a combination of at least five turds from this page at once.
- The Musical Turd
- This turd is actually more of a fart.
Depending on the size of the turd, you get a different pitched note. Cool.
- The Bob Dole Turd
- This turd usually is pretty hard to get out. After all the work, you check out the toilet and there's just this
small old rock hard poop.
- The Cling-On Turd
- You don't want to get this turd when there's not much toilet paper left.
It happens when you take a dump and some lost turd just sticks around and refuses to drop into the toilet.
Make sure not to make it worse when you go to work on your butt. Good luck. (thanks to ky)
- The Impersonator Turd
- The kind of turd that resembles famous people or cartoon characters. (thanks to kr)
- The UH-OH Turd
- This turd usually is the result of a fart that goes awry. You think you can secretly pass gas and then the unthinkable happens:
You take a dump in your pants. This can usually be rectified by putting the turd in the toilet when nobody is looking, just make sure to wash your hands. (thanks to kr)
- The Clogger Turd
- This turd is usually hard and cold and the color black. It happens when you take a dump and it wont flush down without overflowing.
Since it's the turd clogging the toilet and not toilet paper, you have to put your hand in a plastic bag and grab it out of the bowl and put it in the garbage. (thanks to kr)
- The Ghost Turd
- The kind where you feel turd come out, see turd on the toilet paper, but
there aren’t any turds in the bowl.
- The Clean Turd
- The kind where you feel turds come out, see turds in the bowl, but
there's no turd on the toilet paper.
- The Water Fart Turd
- The kind of turd where you don't actually take a dump but sit on the
toilet, fart a little and water comes out. Yellow water's the worst. (thanks to pm)
- The Breakfast At Dinner Turd
- The kind of turd where you eat some messed up food for breakfast, you can't digest it and have to take a dump really quick to get rid of it.
(oh yeah, you forget to flush) Then that evening, your roommate or spouse, etc, prepares a dinner that looks surprisingly familiar... (my favorite)
- The Wet Turd
- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up
putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with
those brown skid marks.
- The Second Wave Turd
- This turd happens when you've finished, your pants are up to
your knees, and you suddenly realize you still have to take a dump.
- The Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose Turd
- Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Turd". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
practically have a heart attack.
- The Corn Turd
- No explanation necessary.
- The Lincoln Log Turd
- The kind of turd that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
- The Notorious Drink Turd
- The kind of turd you have the morning after a long night of
drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the greasy skid marks left on the bottom of the toilet
bowl after you flush.
- The “Gee, I Really I Could Turd” Turd
- The kind where you want to take a dump, but
even after straining your guts out, all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped up and fart a
little.
- The Wet Cheeks Turd
- Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out
of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
- The Liquid Turd
- That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl then really burns your butt.
- The Mexican Food Turd
- The turd looks like a burrito. Also, it smells up the bathroom
for like 3 days.
- The Crowd Pleaser
- This turd is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
show it to someone before flushing or wiping your butt.
- The Mood Enhancer
- This turd occurs after a long time of constipation, thereby allowing
you to be your old self again.
- The Ritual Turd
- This turd occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
the aid of a newspaper.
- The Guinness Book Of World Turds Turd
- A turd so special it should be recorded for
future generations.
- The Aftershock Turd
- This turd has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the area
within the next 7 hours is affected.
- The “The Honeymoon’s Over” Turd
- This is any turd created around another person.
- The Groaner Turd
- A turd so huge it can’t get out of your butt without a good grunt.
- The Floater Turd
- You know it by its floatiness, this turd has been known to come back
to the top and float after many flushings.
- The Ranger Turd
- A turd which wont let go. You can try to rock back and forth to shake
it off, but usually you have to push it off with a piece of toilet paper.
- The Phantom Turd
- This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
putting it there.
- The Peek-A-Boo Turd
- Now you see it, now you don't. This turd is playing games with
you under the toilet paper. Requires patience and muscle control.
- The Bombshell Turd
- A turd that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
inappropriate to take a dump (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere
near dumping facilities.
- The Snake Charmer Turd
- A long skinny turd which has managed to coil itself into a
frightening position - usually harmless.
- The Olympic Turd
- This turd occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any sports
event in which you are playing and looks a lot like the Drinker's Turd.
- The Back-To-Nature Turd
- This turd may be any kind but is always left either in the
woods or while hiding behind the front seat of your car.
- The Pebbles-From-Heaven
- An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often
a gift from God when you actually can’t take a dump.
- Premeditated Turd
- Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
- Shitzophrenia
- Fear of taking a dump, can kill you!
- Energizer vs. Duracell Turd
- Also known as a "Still Going" turd.
- The Power Dump
- The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down
before it shoots out of your butt.
- The Liquid Plumber Turd
- This kind of turd is so big it plugs up the toilet and it
overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log
turd)
- The Spinal Tap Turd
- The kind of turd that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's
got to be coming out sideways.
- The “I Think I’m Giving Birth Through My Bunghole” Turd
- Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer
can.
- The Porridge Turd
- The type that comes out of your butt like toothpaste, and just keeps
on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to
your butt while you sit there and can’t do anything.
- The “I’m Going To Chew My Food Better” Turd
- When the bag of Doritos you ate last night cuts apart the insides of your bunghole on the way out in the morning.
- The “I Think I’m Turning Into A Bunny” Turd
- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
- The “What The Hell Died In Here?” Turd
- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic
Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the deadly bathroom fumes. Instead, you
stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as people run out choking and
gasping for air.
- The “I’m Pretty Sure There’s Still A Turd Dangling There” Turd
- Where you just sit
there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's
going to smear all over the place and you’ll never get it clean.
- Sneaky Turd
- The kind that gets all over your hand when you go for the wipe.
- The Ahead of Itself Turd
- The kind of turd that stinks two minutes before you take a
dump.
- Heavy Turd
- The kind when you get off the toilet and you fell like you lost ten pounds.
- Bravo Turd
- The kind of turd you're so proud of, you have to take a bow even if
nobody’s there.
- Rainbow Turd
- The kind that has so many different colors that someone would think you
eat nothing but skittles.
- Camouflage Turd (most commonly found in cows)
- The kind that looks just like muddy grass until you step in it.
- The “Not Really Turd” Turd
- The kind of turd that happens when someone secretly slips some laxative in your drink, then you eat a pizza. You have to take a dump right then
and you can see things that look like mushrooms and pepperoni in it.
- Countless Turd
- The kind that is in so many pea sized pieces that you couldn't possibly
count them.
- Flu Turd
- The kind of turd where you’re not sure if you want to take a dump in the toilet
and throw up on the floor, or throw up in the toilet and take a dump on the floor.
- Suicide Turd
- The kind of turd that goes down the hole before you flush it.
- Forgetful Turd
- When you get through taking a dump and you forgot to check for toilet
paper before you go into the bathroom. Then you have to use whatever you can find,
like: The cardboard center of the toilet paper roll, an old washrag with a hole in it, or the
pages ripped out of a Time Magazine that fell behind the toilet three years ago.
- Hair Turd
- Pieces of turd so thin, you don't feel them as they come flying out of your ass
like a bunch of slimy, sleek snakes.
- Jalapeno Turd
- The kind of turd that burns so much, it makes you want to kill a Mexican.
- Bravo Turd
- The kind of turd you're so proud of, you have to take a bow even if
nobody’s there.
© Christopher Reid 1996
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© Christopher Reid 1996