The One and Only:
Turd List III


In the future all turds will be perfectly round and will go "Plop!" when they hit the toilet. But for now we have to settle with these:
Last Updated: September 8, 1996 10:44 PM PST

The Little Too Late Turd
The one that comes out just as you stand up and pull on your pants.
The Prayer Turd
The Prayer Turd is when you finish your dump and look over at the toilet paper and there is only enough for one wipe so you pray to god that it will be a dry turd.
The Suitcase Turd (by Hedonist)
The turd that is so hard to get out you finally decide to end it all.
The Cannonball Turd
The kind where you know that as soon as it drops, your butt will be splashed with water.
The Homesick Turd
Turd that you discover, after thinking it long flushed, has returned home.
The Atomic Blast Turd
The turd that smells soooo nasty, life on Pluto falls over and dies.
The Spray Can Turd
When you fart and the turd sprays all over the toilet bowl (sometime even on the seat).
The Coin Turd
The one when you swallow a quarter, dump it out the next day, pick it out of the turd, then spend it.
The "What-The-Hell-Did-I-Just-Do?" Turd
This thing is so big it kinda looks like it's staring back at you. You feel like if you flush it, you might kill it or something and that it'll come back for revenge and kill your dog and kids.
The Contemplating Turd
Does a turd in the toilet go "Plop!" when there is no one around to hear it?
The Star Wars Turd
The one that looks like Yoda and gives you special powers.
The Disolving Turd
The turd that came out solid but then melted and turned the water all murky brown.
The Pressurized Turd
The turd that comes out so fast that you wonder what is going on. Then after it is finished coming out, you let out a big fart that was behind it pushing it out.
The Explosive Turd
It is the kind that hits hard and comes out so fast that you think you are going to shoot off the toilet bowl through the ceiling.
The "It`s Too Late Now" Turd/DT>
After holding it in for too long, you try and go, but nothing comes out. You know it's still in there, though. Needless to say, very uncomfortable.
The Clay Turd
The poopie that is so big, hard and so difficult to get out of your butt that you have to stand up and sit down a few times to mold it into the right shape to get rid of it.
The Buddhist Turd
The one that requires an hour of meditation.
The Rawhide Turd
Turd you hold in so long that when you finally let it go, it comes out very smooth like leather.
The Politically Correct Turd
Turd that isn't too long, isn't too short, floats and sinks, and doesn't smell.
The School Water Fountain Turd
The kind that comes out so fast and furious so it causes dirty toilet water to splash up on your butt. Then that makes you feel unfresh all the rest of the day.
The Peanut Turd
Here you get leftover peanuts in your turds. You usually see these on airplanes.
The Fart Suprise Turd
When you go in there sit on the toilet fart once. Then you're already empty so you get up the toilet is full of turds.
The Cracker Turd
The turd that looks like that cracker you had a few minutes ago.
The Alien Turd
Green. That says it.
The Silly String Turd
A thin turd that swirls around the bowl in one, continuous, unbroken link. Generally it will leave it's mark after flushing. You have the urge to call someone to come and look.
The Dingleberry Turd
This is a probably a living turd. After a well taken dump (often Rabbit Turd), you flush. However the Dingleberry never goes down. It sits at the bottom looking up at you. Often you leave before you see it, but the next person will. The next person usually finds another stall because they are afraid of the Dingleberry, like the Dingleberry is saying, "Go away. Get the hell out of here. This is my home."
The Magic Turd
Possibly the most perfect turd. It is like the Clean Turd because you don't have to wipe, but like the Ghost Turd it dissapears. You do feel very relieved and like you have done a good job though.
UFO Turd
This turd usually comes whenever you see flying saucers in the sky, a ghost in your house or are taking a dump at school or work.
Explosion Turd
This turd is a combination of at least five turds from this page at once.
The Musical Turd
This turd is actually more of a fart. Depending on the size of the turd, you get a different pitched note. Cool.
The Bob Dole Turd
This turd usually is pretty hard to get out. After all the work, you check out the toilet and there's just this small old rock hard poop.
The Cling-On Turd
You don't want to get this turd when there's not much toilet paper left. It happens when you take a dump and some lost turd just sticks around and refuses to drop into the toilet. Make sure not to make it worse when you go to work on your butt. Good luck. (thanks to ky)
The Impersonator Turd
The kind of turd that resembles famous people or cartoon characters. (thanks to kr)
The UH-OH Turd
This turd usually is the result of a fart that goes awry. You think you can secretly pass gas and then the unthinkable happens: You take a dump in your pants. This can usually be rectified by putting the turd in the toilet when nobody is looking, just make sure to wash your hands. (thanks to kr)
The Clogger Turd
This turd is usually hard and cold and the color black. It happens when you take a dump and it wont flush down without overflowing. Since it's the turd clogging the toilet and not toilet paper, you have to put your hand in a plastic bag and grab it out of the bowl and put it in the garbage. (thanks to kr)
The Ghost Turd
The kind where you feel turd come out, see turd on the toilet paper, but there aren’t any turds in the bowl.
The Clean Turd
The kind where you feel turds come out, see turds in the bowl, but there's no turd on the toilet paper.
The Water Fart Turd
The kind of turd where you don't actually take a dump but sit on the toilet, fart a little and water comes out. Yellow water's the worst. (thanks to pm)
The Breakfast At Dinner Turd
The kind of turd where you eat some messed up food for breakfast, you can't digest it and have to take a dump really quick to get rid of it. (oh yeah, you forget to flush) Then that evening, your roommate or spouse, etc, prepares a dinner that looks surprisingly familiar... (my favorite)
The Wet Turd
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those brown skid marks.
The Second Wave Turd
This turd happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you still have to take a dump.
The Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose Turd
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Turd". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a heart attack.
The Corn Turd
No explanation necessary.
The Lincoln Log Turd
The kind of turd that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
The Notorious Drink Turd
The kind of turd you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the greasy skid marks left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
The “Gee, I Really I Could Turd” Turd
The kind where you want to take a dump, but even after straining your guts out, all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped up and fart a little.
The Wet Cheeks Turd
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
The Liquid Turd
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl then really burns your butt.
The Mexican Food Turd
The turd looks like a burrito. Also, it smells up the bathroom for like 3 days.
The Crowd Pleaser
This turd is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing or wiping your butt.
The Mood Enhancer
This turd occurs after a long time of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
The Ritual Turd
This turd occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
The Guinness Book Of World Turds Turd
A turd so special it should be recorded for future generations.
The Aftershock Turd
This turd has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the area within the next 7 hours is affected.
The “The Honeymoon’s Over” Turd
This is any turd created around another person.
The Groaner Turd
A turd so huge it can’t get out of your butt without a good grunt.
The Floater Turd
You know it by its floatiness, this turd has been known to come back to the top and float after many flushings.
The Ranger Turd
A turd which wont let go. You can try to rock back and forth to shake it off, but usually you have to push it off with a piece of toilet paper.
The Phantom Turd
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
The Peek-A-Boo Turd
Now you see it, now you don't. This turd is playing games with you under the toilet paper. Requires patience and muscle control.
The Bombshell Turd
A turd that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to take a dump (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near dumping facilities.
The Snake Charmer Turd
A long skinny turd which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
The Olympic Turd
This turd occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any sports event in which you are playing and looks a lot like the Drinker's Turd.
The Back-To-Nature Turd
This turd may be any kind but is always left either in the woods or while hiding behind the front seat of your car.
The Pebbles-From-Heaven
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can’t take a dump.
Premeditated Turd
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
Shitzophrenia
Fear of taking a dump, can kill you!
Energizer vs. Duracell Turd
Also known as a "Still Going" turd.
The Power Dump
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down before it shoots out of your butt.
The Liquid Plumber Turd
This kind of turd is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log turd)
The Spinal Tap Turd
The kind of turd that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
The “I Think I’m Giving Birth Through My Bunghole” Turd
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can.
The Porridge Turd
The type that comes out of your butt like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there and can’t do anything.
The “I’m Going To Chew My Food Better” Turd
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night cuts apart the insides of your bunghole on the way out in the morning.
The “I Think I’m Turning Into A Bunny” Turd
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
The “What The Hell Died In Here?” Turd
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the deadly bathroom fumes. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as people run out choking and gasping for air.
The “I’m Pretty Sure There’s Still A Turd Dangling There” Turd
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place and you’ll never get it clean.
Sneaky Turd
The kind that gets all over your hand when you go for the wipe.
The Ahead of Itself Turd
The kind of turd that stinks two minutes before you take a dump.
Heavy Turd
The kind when you get off the toilet and you fell like you lost ten pounds.
Bravo Turd
The kind of turd you're so proud of, you have to take a bow even if nobody’s there.
Rainbow Turd
The kind that has so many different colors that someone would think you eat nothing but skittles.
Camouflage Turd (most commonly found in cows)
The kind that looks just like muddy grass until you step in it.
The “Not Really Turd” Turd
The kind of turd that happens when someone secretly slips some laxative in your drink, then you eat a pizza. You have to take a dump right then and you can see things that look like mushrooms and pepperoni in it.
Countless Turd
The kind that is in so many pea sized pieces that you couldn't possibly count them.
Flu Turd
The kind of turd where you’re not sure if you want to take a dump in the toilet and throw up on the floor, or throw up in the toilet and take a dump on the floor.
Suicide Turd
The kind of turd that goes down the hole before you flush it.
Forgetful Turd
When you get through taking a dump and you forgot to check for toilet paper before you go into the bathroom. Then you have to use whatever you can find, like: The cardboard center of the toilet paper roll, an old washrag with a hole in it, or the pages ripped out of a Time Magazine that fell behind the toilet three years ago.
Hair Turd
Pieces of turd so thin, you don't feel them as they come flying out of your ass like a bunch of slimy, sleek snakes.
Jalapeno Turd
The kind of turd that burns so much, it makes you want to kill a Mexican.
Bravo Turd
The kind of turd you're so proud of, you have to take a bow even if nobody’s there.

© Christopher Reid 1996

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© Christopher Reid 1996