The First Time in a Long Time

the sunlight was trikeling in
through the half-cracked blinds
and was gently lighting up your soft skin.
your features were angelic
and the only thing i wanted
was to reach out and touch you.
these barriers, however, of no committment
protect you from evil things;
such as me.
so i just rolled over
and ignored the hurt inside
and the urge to cry
and fell back to sleep.

a perfect destination is where i wish we could be
but our hearts stand still, like death
and we will never arrive to that special place.
you had this secret way of pulling me in, babe
but i only loved you when i wanted.
i am my only guilty party and not worthy to shed a tear.
only he sees how i hurt. not you
and now, i find you unworthy of what we had.
you can only treat me like no one for a while.
only before i start to clue in.
oh, but i can't blaim only you.
i was envolved. but you can't see the fire in my heart for you.
you can't change your over-worked routine.
you can't be anyone anymore.
and with your self-endugled attitude
i excused myself from your friends' games.
if you ever just thought.
but that might hurt you too much.
so, as our destination dissapears behind the clouds,
so does this fire deminish.


your game is day to day, changes like the tides
two faced with something bringin' me in
what i felt with is numb
you are someone else professionally
continue to banter me until i'm blind
if it's good or bad i'll never know
stay dressed. stay away. stay who you were. you tell me. you always do.
complications you improve. you never have time.
i don't love anymore, i'm just here for the ride.
which i never get.
tied up forever.
i'd like to fuck you. i'd like to beat you.
i'd like to see you hurt without me. see you cry with no one.
what you had is putrescent and you will never rejuvenate it.
i just don't belong here. or so i think.
you can only kill fate so much.
love you? leave you? what to do.... what the FUCK is it anymore?
what do you see that you want ever so badly but won't excuse yourself to have!?
stop fucking me before i snap and you see....
see someone you've never seen and i never wanted you to.
you do this to me. you'll make me your enemy.
i swear, you will because you are no one anymore.
you think i can't leave, i can do it all.
you'll never be who you want to be.
you aren't good enough. you're too fake.
don't call me back. i don't want to hear your voice.
i don't want to see you. i don't want to smell you. i don't.
my eyes are dry. no urge to spill. i told you, this isn't new.
i am so petrified. you have me on a string.
i don't want to lose you.
what i want and what i needed i never got.
not lately. not for any present time.
you turn me off. block your self-channels. throw me aside.
admit it, you could do it.
so, what's stopping you?!

just one more and you'll be home, you called and told me so
but you have to have more so you are off to the floor

now i sit alone, drowning in music
my only life, it's only one too
i'm an alcoholic, alcoholic for you
my passion is deep and burried in lust
you made me sober, you are a must
without you i tremble and feel cold
but tonight, you aren't home, tonight you were sold
you are gone and don't won't return 'till the next round
but alas, my true love has now been found
i endulge myself in you
until i almost feel sick and look blue
i am drunk on you
and i'm going to have a hangover....
i wouldn't call it a "love" hangover
because it's not "love", it's only you
save me - i can't take the sickness
without you, i'm in pure duress
you are my fuel
fuel me, take me home, there we are one
this is no game, its all life, real-long-lost fun.

Another Love Poem

i would do anything to block those beautiful eyes
from the sun's harmful rays
he's so civil, he's so beautiful
i've watched him come and go
i've watched him transform into an angel
he has endowed keen dreams to only me.

i would fall in love with you
if i didn't know love was suicide to the heart
she's such an illusion, she's such a hope
i've watched her cry
i've watched her learn to walk away
she has shown me strength she never possesed

i could leave you alone
if it weren't for such an attraction
he's so much more different, he's so agile
i loved to watch him watch me
i loved to look into his blue eyes
he has pulled me into his warm grasp

i will never walk away from you
unless you do first, then i'd just be following
she's so witty, she's filled with felicity
i love to hear her
i've watched her heart bleed and sink
what she needs is what i need

if i jumbled everything together
we'd all live in the stars
no one is my everyone, she's my star
i can't confide
i can't be true
we can all sink into the dark and be one

Telephone Talk

doesn't mean anything anymore
gotten "old" with the many attempts to make it perfect
fades in and out of good moods nowadays
haven't had a good one since LSD
no one wasn't anyone then. someone better.
not good enough. not smart enough. not pretty enough.
almost half a year and i could've gotten better
abuse nothing but myself and how i function
tied down by my emotions.
i'm alone.
why'd i leave early that day?
why was i outgoing?
i wonder if it would've worked
temptation far and wide.
diciplined by my heart. heartache. fucked by my loved one. one and only.
it's old because YOU'VE MADE IT OLD
i could show you how i really feel
rage. guilt. love. sad. rewind.
i just don't understand. what makes you do this?
i wish i could take advantage of you like you do me.
put the knife to your throat. you would never sing again.
would you cry? feel like i do? wither in your own.
i love you. you're so complicating.
what have i done to you?
you're like the oceans to me. my other passion.
please. don't give up so easily.
it saddens my eyes. hole in my heart. bigger without you.
make me cry from joy from now on.


i don't know why i hurt myself so much
i don't know why i lead myself into pain
if i just listened to my instinct, i'd be scarless
but i follow that blood clotted rush
and then usually hang up or walk away asking myself "why"
i'm full of broken mixes that drive me senseless
you help about as much as a dull screwdriver
only thing is you reflect more damage onto me
i try. i try. i try. what for? where does it get me?
all i get is this flat, careless heap of shit tossed back at me
like a royal, "fuck off, you're worthless to me"
you've got bugs in your brain
and i know they help you none, but i think you only make them intensify
they're no excuse. you have no excuse.
you let me down and you ride my hurt until the next mishap
maybe i bring it on but
you never try. you never try. you never try.
you don't care about how i feel. honestly.
otherwise you'd make some sort of attempt - for anything
i cause you problems. i cause you hurt. i make you cry
or so you say. or so you. or so. or.
i wish it was october again.
because that month led me into six months of ecstasy
until now.

Forget All the Hate

you're so amazing but so confused
you hurt me intentially, maybe
but that dress looks so good on you
and for just one second i forget all the hate
and allow myself to escape into you.

everything's broken and will never be fixed so
i only hope that you will take the good things with you when you leave
like the love i had for you because
no matter how hard you try to make me forget,
i never will.


that first day, you were interesting
that next day, you were beautiful
you're what my parents warned me stay away from
but i just need to be closer to you
i was so tiny
i forced him to give you the info
and now i patiently await your voice
hold me now, for you know i am so afraid to love at all
this moment now, i would never want to hurt you
this feeling now, exhilerates every satisfactory emotion
you're the music that i want to intoxify with myself
but i need to touch you first
i am so tiny
i wish i could've given you me
and i hope i hear your voice
hold me now, for i am so afraid to be at all
i have to have you, i have to want you, i have to need you, i have to love you

Smug Smiles

you two were beautiful
walking hand in hand down the
mile long, winding hallways.
your grins looked sadistically fake
but could've been so smug just
because you were so proud of what you were holding.
i double-took you both
and in astonishment asked the one beside me,
"Did you see them?" "No."
so I just grinned when I got asked "Why?".
I wonder if it was for show
but you two were aged and would have
no reason to pull teenager nonsense.
i'll just say that you were happy and
not a figment of my confused imagination
because you represent what is real.


this is not yet finished*

why don't you fly anymore?
nowadays it seems
that your wings just hit the floor.
and i wish that i could just
help you fly again
but i can't even try
when you won't let me in.

we could be
so heavenly
if you just
loved me


pierce it and stab away at
modern morality
as you dig that grave for
legends filled with stones,
remember the times before
remember your lousy lovers,
and cry out. have you ever
cried.... laughed.... wondered... wished?
it makes me want to go home
look at that reflection
is it what you've always yearned
for it's ugly, shadowizing self to be?
or is that cloudy,
white powder over-riding your dreams?
don't die young like the rock and roll
stars that light up the dull night sky.
breath that intoxicating pollution in.
it'll kill you just like
society's whip marks will scar
hang your effigy by your
yellowed teeth that stain the expensive silver
but remember
you got them before they got you.


you need to be single
you need to stop telling me
you'll get with me
because i don't want you to cheat.
i don't want to share you
i want to flaunt you
because everyone is interested in you
and i'm three steps closer than the rest.
you're so dark it's a turn on
you're such a dizzy goth
but so forward with what you want
what you want. what i want
we've got similarities
just pretend you belong to me
and everything will be better


your tongue is made of feathers
and you've got to stop teasing my neck
because you're driving my insane, only being in my dreams

your fingertips are lined with silk
and you've got to stop testing my bare skin
because you're driving my insane, only being in my dreams

your eyes are blown glass materpieces
and you've got to stop giving me those seducing glances
because you're driving my insane, only being in my dreams

reality is a snapping click
but dreams are so awaited
i want to see you and feel you
and let you lull me to sleep


i want to die
just to leave you behind
i could melt into the lava
and just forget this whole fucking saga
because i've feel apart
ever since you stole my heart

you tell me i'm fake
and i don't know how much more i can take
admit this: you'll never know
how i loved you so
because you just ran away
and all you can say is, "Baby, maybe, one day"

but i don't need you
but i can't wait
and just let me be close
for one last time

No One

no one can replace you.
even though i sometimes say the opposite
of what i want,
i secretly can't get you out of my head.
no one kisses like you do.
that one felt as good as a dream,
not a nightmare,
but those heavenly dreams you never want to wake-up from.
no one loves me like you did.
i'm overtly jealous
of that other lucky, four-leaf-clover,
but you just can't love me anymore, i guess.
no one amounts to you.
i have a crush
on these two stores,
but i just miss that comfort.
no one sings to me.
i always wanted
for you to sing sweet nothings to me,
but you never did.
no one takes up more mental time than you.
rather it be heaven or hell,
it still knocks on my head
like death of like birth.
no one killed me more than you.
purposely or absentmindedly,
you aimlessly tortured my tired heart
until it suddenly failed on me one day.
and now i realize that
these rock hard hands
handled you with the sweetest care.
care that no one else has ever recieved.
i thought we were strong.
i thought we had something.
i thought you would love me eternally.
but i'm just not good enough
and i think too much
and you'll never give me that second chance.
so i just sit and mope. nite after hour after day.
because i fell into an oblivion
when i met you and now
i am nothing without you.
who do i have to love? who do i have to hold?
i can't let this go.
because i still love this, need to leave this, need to see
that you don't want me.
i need to let myself fall
back into my loveless world
and let you go up to your glowing heaven.
i know i can't be with you
and for once i wish i didn't pretend
to know everything.

Blue Eyes

people who hold blue eyes
are angels in disguise.
they descend from the starry sky
and transform into harmless souls.

your eyes. you claimed.
are blue. with a smile. you looked in my direction.
goofy, yet serious i claimed
mine are blue too.
so i looked into your bottom-less
deep-blue crystals
and thought about all of my
ex-nothing's shades and colors.
blue was absent.
and you need to fill that gap.
because i just need you to.

i need to look into your eyes
and let myself go.
let myself find comfort in this angel's arms
and admit to myself
that blue eyes are the second best thing to get lost in.


halo. hello. beautiful, baby-doll faced girl
with the illiterate taste in what she wants
and who she wants because
she's so screwed that even her mom's afraid
of what she really is.
she could be magick faery dust
with a touch of rust
to make a fuss
over her self-enduldged, absent lust.
she's so in love and so into crushes
but she's lagging behind with her two day jobs
in which could be her favorite new obsessions
if she only tried and stopped thinking about
that damn old relationship she lost a few months ago.
come catch her tears
as they fall to thoughts of her fears
while she stares into her crumbled mirror
and repeats "deer, deer, deer".
she has new, real hobbies
that teach her how to move
and teach her how to relax her researched heart
that tries to leave the past for the vultures
and tries to yearn for the future
because she knows that it could be better
than the evil curse she's living
and the wore-out dreams she has night after nite after nyte.
she needs you like she needs something new.
so just answer her pleas to save her from the depths of misery.

One Year Off

magic was halfway absent,
variety was knocking on the front door,
hob-nobbing was the number one hobby,
yet wandering through the trees was the top priority.

night stars accelerated by disco balls
and ringing ears from the overly excited new generation.
you're finally giving up to have a life,
but surprises are so dominant around christmas.

mocking the yellow girl because she's smiling at you,
licking the headliner when the cameras are banned,
joking about wife beaters needing to die,
and talentless voices straining over noise pollution.

nine hours of subsequent chaos
lead by tired, achey feet.
only to dance to the moon because
nothing matters when everyone has escaped.

Left Lost

my words were silhouetted by your enchanting smile
that smile that i cherish
and i sunk so far far into you in only moments.
your words left me with determination
and to hear i could only get lost in you for three weeks
left me in a daze of unknowingness.

you've moved to persue your god-given talents
and have left this emptiness behind.
i'm hunting down anything that's left to scavenge
and now i realize that everyone i love has gone.

without you, i feel like i'm nothing.
in three conversations i felt like i was on top
and does this all disgust you?
but i mean no harm, understand, you were the one.
and this star is for you.

accepting that nothing is to come
is the hardest direction to choose
because things are what they seem they should be.
you're my oasis and without you i'm so lost.

Ice Cube

he's got my heart wrapped up in an ice cube.
sometimes he let's it melt,
sometimes he let's it stay cold.
either way it's my choice because
i can be stubborn and stay frozen
or i can be lovestruck and crack.


she believes she still owns me.
she's got her confidence raised
as she sifts through my belongings.
and we laugh together as i wonder
what transformations have occured?

every weekend is an A+
she creeps around the corner
to make a point to let me know that she still exists
she acts like i'm unaware of her doings,
even though she never left her reserved spot on my shoulder.

maybe the new has drown out the old.
and maybe that's why i don't care anymore.
because as upsetting as it is
everything's wore-out in our future,
and only Fridays bring her happiness.

you are my classic

as soft as pavorotski or even bernardi
we can float among the stars and
reinforce my mind because sometimes i get lost
but i come back running
i am but a thriller tonite
rememberences of fate. her beauty on August 23
bringin' me on like black on black
shoot her downwith darkness
not worth my worry-shell of concrete
let me take you in. all of you
one on one you play my strings with a smile
like the classics, i love it all.
every inch, every note, every beautiful part.
hey, how could i not?
i was such a disease, don't catch me.
ever. because then we won't dance
i'm the maze and you're the puzzle
we make sense. cents. i mix two
and end up with combustion
leave us in silence for i love you better then.

Costume Room?

for hours i hear
"oh how i've missed you"
for days i see
nothing but the normal
for now i realize
maybe i was wrong.... all along
accept what i say
and become who you want
pleed and beg for my heart
to cradle in your soft hands
you can figure it out
you're a smart girl
you can play the field
until you become tired
only to succumb to
no one but me


lava embeded fingerprints
and charcoal imprinted emotions
swirl with illusional hypnosis
from 200 feet above,
she sparkles like one-hundred diamonds in the sun
with an attitude that could
swallow you whole and
suck you under, only play
don't break down her habitat
she has the bouancy for the world
and only a vicous cycle could harm you.
enjoy her, before she dries up
and then we will only have stories to share.

Wasting 2AM Time

sleep away time
wasting precious moments
that will never happen again
the past cannot change
but you
dream away time
forgetting the specialness
that dashes behind each crack
cracks that re-arrange themselves
i hate being wide-eyed
while you're sleeping
more so than when we're both away
i hate knowing that the night's over
even when i'm wide awake
i know the closeur is near
when you breathe deep gulps and sigh
and all i wish is that you'd awaken
so that the night would never die.


staring at the sun sitting on my finger
i'm lost even though your trail is ahead of me
we combine then crash and follow up moping....
boasting... in our stressful glory

i tugged at these tired holes nervously
avoided those crystalized oceans unfortunately
and finally fell into those inked arms perfectly...
the only place i want to be, possibly

fate followed me home, she says, "hello"
i ponder her visitation rights and hours
when she leaves, will she just be coming to you?
maybe... please never depart from us.

i ask myself too many questions
and i wonder why i can't be
nothing even matters anymore
so goodybe to all this bothersome trouble.


slowly i think, captivate what is left of us
honestly rejuvinating myself, wondering who i am
behind my uncaring mask of fantasy
lies, like a rug, my face of unsatisfication
cracks from worry... frowns from untrustful motives
look past my pupils, into my soul
drown into the misery of my life
swim in lust with mistakes growing feverishly
rethink while staring into stranger's windows
cheat unsucessfully to test my abilities of hiding
the day you understand me, the day i wilt
you laugh at my seriousness to hurt
and i collide with the other half
who still treats me like gold when i'm with
broken promises because i'm careless lately
emotional scars to your heart, i feel no sorrow
you disregard my evilness as something i've created
when in fact, it is the most real side of me
i'm sick of dying inside over immatureness
someone take this away from me
before it is out of my hands, out of control


no punishment such as hollow can wear one out
finally freed of the past, she let herself love
only to be taught the same lesson;
What Is Wrong With Lindsey Anderson?
she is a disease of where love ruins one
they fall into her and she seeps into their pores
they tell her they've had no better, they tell her she is the one
until they leave her alone one day
always the same, always leaving her for another
she begs and pleads and tries like ice
but they never return to her. they forget.
she gets worse with the times
and cries unbearably harder at the next episode
she kills them off, one at a time
for no one can see her sickness until they are too close
then too late, they fade out.
she never figured she was ill, that was the problem
and now locked away, she can hurt no one else.


i can't think of yesterday
because yesterday i was without you
and i can't think of tomorrow
because tomorrow i will be without you
and i can't think of now
because now i am without you
and i wish i knew what i was thinking
when i fell in love with you
and i wish i knew what you were thinking
when your lips touched her's and not mine
and i wish i could just stop thinking
so this pain would disperse

Bent By You

i'll take you slowly
rare and alive
careful as to where i probe
i stole your blindness
and now you are left with me

jealous car wheels
that never forget mistakes
but i'm so bent by you
that even the darkest clouds eventually pass

let me slip into you
warm and wet
gentle play time for two
you borrowed my heart
and decided to finally get it out of lay-away

jealous car wheels
that never forget promises
but i'm so bent by you
that even the darkest clouds eventually pass

escape into us, fall into my hold

26 Degrees

winter chilling
summer fulfilling
you're on my lips
nibbling my fingertips
you grip
numbing my heart
loved you from the start
leave the pain behind
take me another time
so fine
until we fall


after so many months of hiding
i finally lost you in Mexico
what a feeling of relief...
what an empty soul i've carried

it came upon me like a whirlwind
softening my hair, whipping my skin
fifty times of denial
followed by one-hundred more
questioning every low note to its equal

it's quite depressing yet
it's finally truthful
and as i step further away from you
i still doubt it all.

Brightness - Why I Hate It

bright lights on,
but i could still fall into slumber
popped another pain killer
can't feel anything but
pure adrenaline
laying waveless in 88 degrees
i start to drift off
but need to stretch myself
to turn off the lights
then i stare
and awaken again
and repeat to the beginning
then back to this end.


i bite my tongue-
listening to you
remembering; awakening
to the sound of gun shots
i would grasp for shelter
within your warmth-
and now we only talk
for hours of how we
put on a show
for each other, i suppose
until our stubborn selves give in
and we are left with loneliness

What Ever Replaced This?

knock knock let me in
to watch your delicate fingers
produce your beautiful pictures
while i stand up and stumble
trying to let you know
i just can't live with or without you
i could buy you alaska
and a year's supply of cherry jones
but you'd still dismiss me from your presence
over shabby incidents that i try not to create
what i want and what you want
collide with anger and confusion
so i storm out and scream alone
knowing that this will last


I could cup you into my hands
and drink you very slowly
your creamy white skin -
softer than an angel's touch
i'll be the bow, you be the arrow
and i'll guide you to the stars
you've got 15 different laughs
that accent your every side
oh how i wish,
wishes came true...

Mind Parts

driving around inside my head
driving with square wheels
i get nowhere; only cause friction
cause headaches and impatience
if my wheels were round
maybe i'd be on time once in a while
maybe i wouldn't have so many problems
only if everything were perfect
from my wheels to my windows,
from frames and seatbelt covers
i've tried to fix everything
put hundreds into something so old
it'll never be new
but i keep adding parts and pieces,
wasting money and time
maybe i shouldn't have been so interested
in this... in the first place


i feel sick
choking on my worry
gagging on my words
i want to leave this
be the weak one
give up and forget
i wish i never wished
or maybe i lie
today is simply miserable

Ice-Cubed Coffee

driving home
i noticed
the haziness
of the street lights
and how they mimick
my eyes
when i'm with you.
they glaze over
from pure excitement
and clear up
when the fog lifts.
driving home
i could still feel
you on my lips
and taste your
on my tongue.
i am your ice cube-
i melt too frequently-
soon - i will be
your pool
and then i will know
that i am
purely your possession

9AM Projects

Why can't they see you through my eyes?
Eyes that are so alive and new.
Eyes that don't judge so harshly.
Eyes that yearn to know and love you.


Things must be complicated with bifocals.
Making us live our own Romeo and Juliet.
Trying to make us fall out of arms.
Losing our minds for the volunteering blind.

Why can't they see me through your eyes?
Eyes that have problems but still shine bright.
Eyes that cry so hard for all they want.
Eyes disguised but still seeing me right.


How we feel is blurred by the 1950's magnified.
Treating us like we're confused toddlers.
Loving is straight and not for the two of us.
Listening to you is too hard so they send you to therapy.

Sick sad twisted life
You make me complete
I make you happy
We make them disgusted
Whatever happened to... to... it all?


If I were to give you something,
what would it be?
not a material possession, no
you already are surrounded by those.
I would give you much more than that.....
I would give you my eyes,
so you could wake up in the morning without a blur.
I would give you my soul,
to show you my experiences and how I am loved.
I would give you my mind,
so sad thoughts wouldn't occur without reasoning.
I would give you the right side of my face,
so you could be a step closer to perfect (in your view).
I would give you my nose,
so your "cabbage patch" nose would be gone.
I would give you my dreams,
so that you could see that you never leave me.
I would give you my sarcasm,
Oh, wait, you already inherited that.
I would give you my jokes and personality,
so you could laugh all day long.
And last, but not least,
I would give you my heart.
Not that I haven't already,
but I would let you feel how I feel
when I'm with you. When I'm without you.
Every minute of everyday, how you make it flutter,
and just how much
I truly love you.