"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film."
"Put on your seatbelt...I wanna try something."
"The Universe is a figment of its own imagination."
"There's no future in time travel."
"Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn."
"Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface."
"A day without sunshine is like night."
"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?"
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery."
"Chocolate: the OTHER major food group."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"Death is hereditary."
"I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."
"Multitasking - screwing up several things at once."
"Dyslexics of the world, untie!"
"Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon!"
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth."
"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."
"How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?"
"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
"Polynesia: memory loss in parrots."
"Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!"
"A good pun is its own reword."
"Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor."
"Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?"
"Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!"
"To err is human, to moo bovine."
"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."
"Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate."
"Man who smoke pot choke on handle."
"MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe.""
"A cat will assume the shape of the container it is packed into."
"OK, so what's the speed of dark?"
"Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis""
"Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!"
"I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off."
"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
"All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand."
"Mary had a little lamb....and Mulder was determined to find out why."
"There's an exception to every rule, except this one."
"I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose."
Marilyn Schulte