Ophelia's Horrid Vampire Jokes
Where does the raver vampire hail from?
Trance—sylvania
Why did the carpetbagger vampire go down South?
It wanted a Cracker.
And of course, why did the carpetbagger vampire go to Georgia?
It wanted a Peach.
Ok, ok, I can hear y'all in my head, complaining. Fine. I realize that I ended the first one with a preposition, but "From whence did the vampire raver hail ?" . . . UGH! Look, just deal with it. "From whence . . ." doesn't go along with the mood of this bit. It's way too archaic from my mood, and using that phrase makes it much too serious. Besides, what exactly is wrong with having post-modern grammar? I'll split infinitives with the best of them. I'll dangle my participles off a cliff if I feel like it. My pronouns will be occasionally undefined, and you WILL like it! My tenses just may shift. I don't care. Down with grammar! Down with the Man!
Now I think that I hear the whining, "I don't get it.", "Shouldn't there be a parrot in the cracker joke?", and "Why would a vampire want fruit?" Well, first off, I know from whence you hail, [chunky phrasing, isn't it?] and I think your longitude is higher than mine. Secondly, Crackers are a type of North Florida and Georgia farmers. Let me shatter a myth while I'm on this, Crackers are not white trash. Crackers own lots of land. White trash rent. Crackers are usually well off. White trash buy lottery tickets. Crackers farm and do politics. White trash watch TV and do Job Force . 'Cracker' is an adjective, not an insult. 'White trash' is both. Anyway, enough history.
If you don't know what a Georgia Peach is, then you are missing out on a fine creature indeed. Your loss. {Hello, Renee, wherever you are. I never found out how that broken window turned out.]
Soothe your ruffled feathers, Northerner. It isn't as if we hate you down here, but y'all tie up traffic. Just buy a map, and don't laugh at me when I call you 'sugar.' Better yet, just stay in Boca Raton (translated RAT'S MOUTH), or at various Orlando theme parks. Actually, I wouldn't wander too far out of Orlando if I were you. The Swamp Cabbage Man lurks off of state road 50, and his favorite things to eat are humans and mangoes.