Miss Velveteen first read this book as a nasty, sweaty little twelve-year old. You know the age. You know something going on, but you’re not sure what it is. All you have to open your burgeoning sexuality is soap operas, HBO, and Judy Blume. Valley of the Dolls busted me wide.

For some reason, my auntie, a woman who was a queen of blue eye shadows and moisturizers, left this book lying around where inquisitive little paws could get at it, and get at it we did. My sister, Amata, and my neighbor, Della, were on a quest to learn about SEX. Della would hide out in the bathroom to catch her parents naked. She called them her 'shows.' Amata and I totally stole Della’s mother’s bodice rippers, and worked ourselves into prepubescent frenzies. Of course, it would’ve helped if we knew what the anatomy looked like. We found that out when we discovered our father’s stash of smut. All I could really remember about Valley was that they had SEX, and were ACTRESSES. When it finally went back into print, I picked up a copy of my own. The other one had fallen into a bathtub, and had gotten absolutely rancid.

OH HONEY, this book is *f*a*b*u*l*o*u*s*!!!!! Trashy men, betrayals, shock treatments. pill popping, insanity, affairs, glamorous actresses, singers, and models, and SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX!!!!!. I could not stop reading it from the moment I picked it up.

It’s about three girls, Anne, Neely, and Jennifer all move to New York, live together at one point, and become best friends. Anne’s from New England and absolutely beautiful. Neely was in Vaudeville and theater since she was seven. Jennifer was stunning too, and an actress. The whole thing takes place over the space of about twenty years. They chase men and have men chase them. They all become drug addicts. They all betray each other. One tries to commit suicide a lot, and the other one DOES.

One part I just love is that Anne calls up Jennifer to tell her that Anne’s mother died. Jennifer has been trying to convince her boyfriend to marry her by withholding sex. He totally does her on the while she’s on the phone listening to Anne. AND to prevent wrinkles, Jennifer also wears this face thing at night that STABS her if she frowns or smiles. She spends all her money on clothes and pills.

Anne is hopelessly in love with the wrong man, Lyon. Ophelia says he acts just like an Aries with every house and moon being in Aries also, and I think she’s right. Lyon gets huffy about the stupidest stuff, and you won't believe who he cheats on Anne with!!! He’s really macho, has a British accent, and wants to write novels. That should’ve tipped Anne right off there. Just a word of advice to all you girls out there--STAY AWAY FROM MEN WHO SAY THEY ARE AUTHORS UNLESS THEY HAVE BEEN PUBLISHED AT LEAST TWICE IN SOMETHING BESIDES THEIR OTHER LOSER FRIEND'S ZINES!! Even then, avoid them like they have HERPES. They probably DO!!!! They expect you to pay for dinner on your 2 month anniversary. They don't give you decent presents. All they ever do is write you really BAD poetry. They CHEAT on you with Anarchists that don't bathe. They are INSANE!!!! They get mad when you spill herbal tea on their half finished novel that really if you think about it, has no business being at your house in the first place. They move in at the slightest provocation, and eat all of your aspirin. No, Miss Velveteen is not bitter. SHE IS MAD, and thinks SHE's going to visit his PARENTS who send him money every week, and tell them EXACTLY what he DOES with the money. OF course, Miss Velveteen might tell a small untruth and say he spends it all on HER!!!!

Neely’s a diva. She’s a really cute star-struck kid at first, but once she gets famous,WOW! She FLUSHES another actress's WIG down the TIOLET! She sneers and dumps Scotch in swimming pools. She STAGGERS everywhere. She gets called a ‘cobra,’ and a ‘monster’ by HUNDREDS of people. She shoots up Demoral. All of this from a kid in the beginning who called a copy of 'Gone with the Wind,' milk, and cookies, an ‘orgy.’

Their lives totally fall apart all over the place, as time goes on. The ways their lives collapse is almost majestic. You can feel all of their dreams and castles in the air being smashed by a wrecking ball.

Something just occurred to me. ‘Dolls’ are pills, by the way. As they sink down into their own pits, they become more and more like real dolls: plastic, glassy eyed, and frayed at the seams, by taking more and more pill dolls. Ironic, huh?
THIS BOOK SHOULD BE REQUIRED READING FOR THE WORLD!!