This is my story...my revelations at midnight.
I became aware of a force i had never acknowledged before. This force was brought to my attention by a spirit that i now view as my guardian. It was the power of the dark side. For a long time i had an interest in the forces of darkness, but i denied those interests because everyone told me to... (mistake number 1, never listen to what anyone else says...escpecaily when it goes against what YOU say)
Finally i began to explore it. I learned the truths of left handed paths, such as vampirism and satanism. I realized that i had no idea what these things really were. My ideas and concepts of such paths were based on the bed time stories my christian mother used to tell me to scare me away from the forces of satan. Completely lacking knowledge.
I was also going through a sort of spiritual breakdown. I realized that i had gone straight from the clutches of christianity to wicca, without ever really examining what i believed. Once i started searching through myself, i discovered that i could not truly call myself a wiccan. This realization left me, once again, searching for the path that fit me. Searching for what i believed and more importantly ..."what i was".
Then, last Thursday night at 4 am, drunk off my little gothic butt, i got into a conversation with a friend on satanism. I realized my concept of satanism was far from the truth. I also realized i was guilty of the same petty, closed minded, judgment with out facts attitude that had seen in other people.
After of hours of discussion, i finally got home at 8 am with my friend's copy of "the satanic bible". I need to know what it really was. I was so disappointed in myself for believing in the same common misconceptions. I sat down immediately and started reading. 3 hours later, lacking sleep, needing a shower, and still in the cloths i wore to the club, i finished the book and sat back to think over the information i had just absorbed. Then, suddenly, with out warning or reason, all the answers i had been desperately searching for were right in front of me. My wall of preconceived ideas and misconceptions that had been a road block for so long, came crashing down and faded to dust. I saw for the first time my true self and my true beliefs. No longer was i held back by the teachings and brainwashings of the religions of my past. To be truly happy and whole, i had to develop my own set of beliefs. My own personal religion, if you will. I grabbed a pen, and with ease in my euphoric god-like state of clarity began to write. What follows are the words that came to me in this altered state. They are MY beliefs...and what i hold to be true...
I take that energy into myself. I shape it and form it to fit my Will, then i release it back into the universe to complete my magick.
I have complete control over my life, and i accept full responsibility for it.
IF i do magick to harm, and i feel guilty about it, i will have set the preconceived idea that i must pay, thus it will come back. HOWEVER... IF I perform the magick and then release it, it is done...its gone...it is in the past with no repercussions.
I must choose the Magick i do with great care and thought.
I must truly want the outcome with everything i am, and every emotion i hold.
When i am finished with my magick i must release it and allow it to take its course. To dwell on it, would in turn, do nothing but sabotage the magick and waste my energy.
There is no god. If anyone is the God of me, it is I. I am the ruler of my destiny. I am the shaper of my future. Whatever i Will, SHALL BE.
I believe my soul will live forever. My mortal body shall wither and die, but my soul shall continue to grow and gain experience. It is my wish and Will to live forever, so it shall be. I will continue to learn and grow. I will be in every shape, form, situation and universe. When the time comes that i can learn no more, i shall shed my mortal shell, and return to a pure state of energy.
I will and do enjoy life and everything i do.
I hold no morals or social ethics as defined by anyone else.
I view sex as a source of pleasure and the embodiment of life.
I hold no preconceived or implanted shame for the physical body, or anything that brings me pleasure.
I follow my emotions and instincts. If it feels good, i do it. If not, I don't.
The only person i am responsible for, or answer to is myself.
I bow before no other (mortal or otherwise) and i worship no other gods.
I remain true to myself and my beliefs.
I recognize the darkness in my life and my world as good and necessary. I do not forbid myself from it, but rather i embrace it and accept what it has to offer me.
I do not fear that which is unknown, but explore it with the curiosity of a child. Eagerly awaiting what i may discover.
I do not fear death, but welcome it. I will live this life with passion and without regret. And when it is time to leave this one behind i will be ready, for beyond the veil of death lays a new world with new experiences.
I am everything and i am nothing.
I am a witch, a magician, a sinner, a God, a satanist and a vampire. To put a tittle on me would be to take away a part of me. I am undefinable. For what i am there are no words...and needs not be. My thoughts, ideas, and beliefs are mine and mine alone. This is my world, my realm, my reality. I know these things to be true because i Will them to be such. I follow my own path. I shape my own world into whatever i choose. What holds true for me, may not for another, however, that is not my concern. I am a follower of neither the right nor the left hand paths, but of my own.
I am a member, High priestess, and the God of the Church of Pandora. Live, be passionate, love, hate, cry, feel, experience, and learn..and do it all without regret.
No one can tell you who or what you are. No religion, philosophy, or belief system can serve as a shield from your own thoughts and ideas. The strong venture into the darkest shadows of the soul, and find for themselves what they believe and what they are. The weak join a congregation of sheep and follow the words of some mortal they don't even know.
Think for a moment on your chosen path. Do you agree 100% whole heartedly with every idea, concept, belief and philosophy? Is there anything you bend to better suit yourself? If you are as unfortunate as i you will discover that, in fact, you agree 100% with very little to nothing. If this is the case, why follow that belief system at all?? Why follow any system at all?? Why not form your own, that are tailored exactly to you.
For me, my biggest question was "what am i?" I know it sounds silly, but for some reason i needed to be able to say.."i am christian" or "I am Wiccan" I needed something to say.."this is what you follow, this is what you believe , and this is what you are"
With the crashing of my wall, i was given the clarity to look inside myself, wipe away all the left over debris and be born again. And born again i was. I am now strong. I am now free. I can now continue my life in whatever direction i choose.
It has now been 48 hours since my rebirth. My euphoric clarity is stronger than ever. I have accomplished more in the past 48 hours than i have in all the past years of my life. I have seen my guardian manifest in front of me for the first time. He now walks beside me and watches over me. I have had some amazing experiences on the astral. I have been inspired to write, dance and laugh for no reason. i have a wonderful sense of peace and calmness that i have never known.
I hope, that by the sharing of my experience...someone out there will wake up , and decide to live. My box has been opened. My evils have been realeased, and i have found hope.
Good-bye sweet souls, may your dreams be dark, and your life be full.
Walk in darkness,
Pandora
