Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"  "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"  "I just touched this big spinning thing here like this .... Damn! There goes another one!"

Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that looks like Sean." to which Paddy replied "No, Sean was taller than that!"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

FINDING YOUR WAY HOME

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called-you left your wheelchair there again."

THE O'MALLEYS

Two Irish men meet in a bar. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender." Oh, nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.

IRISH MASTERMIND CHAMPION

Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.

Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question,

"In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'

Seamus responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?",

Seamus Responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?"

Seamus Responds.. "Pass"

Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell the English Nothing...."

GUINNESS AND HERITAGE

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.  The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

Q. What is Irish and stays out all night ?
A. Patty O'Furniture

An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here. The IRA man says "Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!"

DRIVING IN IRELAND

A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds "Sorry, but no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."

The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"

Billy and Seamus were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame Paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

A sign over a Irish urinal reads "Please don't eat the big white mints..."

This is actually a Scottish joke, but I think it's pretty funny, so here it so...

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!"

"But......" stammers the driver.

"Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!"

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

"Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin!"

"But....." says the driver.

"Now!"

So the driver does it again.

"Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again!" says the Highlander.

"I can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.

The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.

"All right laddie." he says, "NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"

Three guys work on a construction site. They're building a sky scraper, and work on the 25th floor. They have lunch together every day, eating their sandwiches, looking over the city. One day, the first guy opens his lunch-box and starts swearing. "I've been married now for 20 years, and every single day, and I've been having cheese sandwiches work at work. Look, if my wife gives me cheese sandwiches tomorrow, I'll jump." The second guy opens his lunch-box, looks at his sandwiches, and says: "Shit, I've been married for 15 years, and I've been eating tuna sandwiches every day at work. If my wife gives me tuna sandwiches again tomorrow, I'll join you, and jump with you." The third guy (Paddy) opens his lunch-box, and says: "For 20 years I've been having spud sandwiches every lunch break. And I hate spud sandwiches. If I'm having spud sandwiches again tomorrow, I'll join you guys, and jump with ya."

The next day, the three are having lunch again, on the 25th floor. The first guy takes his lunch-box, opens it and shouts: "Cheese!" He stands up,  jumps and drops dead, 25 floors lower. The second guy takes a look at his sandwiches, yells: "Tuna", stands up and jumps. Dead. Paddy looks at his sandwiches, says: "Shit, Spud." He stands up, jumps... Dead.

A week later, at the funeral, the three widows are crying together for the loss of their husbands. "I don't get it", says the first one. "We had a perfect marriage, three lovely kids... For 20 years, he never complained about the sandwiches. If he had only told me once he wanted something else... But he never did." The second widow cries: "I don't understand it... Fifteen years we've been married, we always talked about everything. But why did he never tell me he hated tuna so much? I would have prepared him something else for lunch... But he never complained..."

The third widow cries: "Do you think I understand it? For 20 years, Paddy has made his own sandwiches, every morning..."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are being chased through the streets of a village by an angry mob intent on tearing them to bits.

As they turn a corner, they spot a pile of sacks by the side of the path. The Englishman grabs three sacks and hands them out. "We'll hide in these until they've gone!" he explains. "Just do as I do."

They climb into the sacks. Just as they do so, the mob arrive. They see the sacks and stop. Suspiciously, the leader of the mob prods the Englishman's sack with his pitchfork.

"Oink! Oink!" shouts the Englishman. Satisfied, the mob proceed to the Scotsman's sack. Again, they prod it with the pitchfork.

"Quack! Quack!" shouts the Scotsman. Happy that this is also full of livestock, the mob go onto the Irishman's sack and prod that.

The Irishman shouts "Potatoes!"

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE BEING STALKED BY A LEPRECHAN

· 10. You're followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That's a sign you're being stalked by Chaka Khan)
· 9. You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
· 8. Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!"
· 7. When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."
· 6. Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.
· 5. Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.
· 4. Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?"
· 3. Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.
· 2. Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester.
· and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by a Leprechaun... Tiny scary person-check. Gold-check. Ears that stick out-check.