"The Pirate legacy should ne'er be forgotten, lest we be doomed to inherit it."
-Anonymous


                                                                                                                                                                                                      

       Have some crazy fun with your nerd friends and obey the contents of this page dedicated to keeping the Pirate memory alive. You must become a Pirate, see? Let's get on with it, eh?

First thing yer gonna need is a name. According to Tom Lichtenheld, author of Everything I Know About Pirates (Simon & Schuster 2000), you must choose one word from each column:

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
Long John Kidd
Black Eye Bart
Evil Beard Bonny
Hook Leg Jack
Captain Calico Bob
Peg Skull Ned
BigBanditSam
StubBootBruce
BlindToothWilly
OnePatchTom
BlueLipsHenry
LimpWreckJoe

Now hit the books (or, as the situation usually is, the Internet). You must know what you are becoming. So study Pirates. Eating habits, signature practices, migration, famous pirates... whatever you can dig up. Get it? Dig? Ha!

And before we go any further, let's make sure you know that we do not encourage certain Piratey practices of ye olde ages on the sea. They were known to loot and boot and show zero respect to anyone, especially the ladies. We recommend that you just float around and dig up stuff.


Now you need a ship. And something to put it on. If you live by the sea, fantastic. But if not, there's always the Mississippi or the Erie Canal. Just watch out for barges and kids in kayaks. Those Boy Scouts don't move outta the way for nobody. You can buy or steal a ship, but it's always fun to build one. Make a small model and then watch "Honey, I Blew Up the Baby," and increase your ship's size by using the creative genius of Rick Moranis and Disney. Here are some popular looks (not scaled) you'll want to stick to:

Once you've bought, stolen, or built your ship and you have a nautical source on which to float it, you can hop in and, in the words of Enya, sail away, right? Wrong! You don't even look like a pirate. Don't take one step closer to that ship until you've found the proper garb.

Now, you need not go to great extremes when choosing your apparel, but you should be accurate. Twenty-first century Pirates are a baseball team. Don't go by their example. Real Pirates don't wear jerseys and stirrup pants out at sea. Our imaginary fashion expert has come up with some ideas:

  • Try a regular red bandana with a red vest to go with it. They compliment each other and create a lovely and fashionable wayfarer-of-the-sea look.

  • Pants should always and ever be above the ankles. For a rugged Pirate look, cut pants to proper length using no care whatsoever. Refer to the early 90's cut-off jeans look (but DON'T refer to their length).

  • Wear nothing, black boots, or a peg on your feet.

  • If you're lucky enough to find one, try the infamous "puffy shirt" from the episode of Seinfeld. It provides a classic look and signifies a stylishly inclined Pirate.

  • Don't forget your patch. Even if you actually have two eyes, there'll be no mistaking that you are a Pirate if you sport the infamous patch.


You can always refer to Hollywood if you actually trust them. Remember that movie Hook? Stan loves that movie. Or Muppet Treasure Island. Not one of their best, but it's a good source for Pirate info.

Alrighty, Cap'n (you are the Captain, right?). Ready to go? NO! You'll never make it to two knots without a crew. Choose your best mates and assign their posts. As the Captain, you just stand there and yell. Pick a first mate, a watchman, ore guys, prisoners, livestock, a technical assistant, and, of course, you need a parrot (name him Steve). Got em all? Good.



Now you need a place to go. Pirates are notorious for stealing stuff, but treasure hunting is much more rewarding. You could find the end of a rainbow where Ed the Leprechaun dances round his pot o' gold. But then you'd be mixing genres. Just have your technical assistant download a treasure map or two.


Now go get a tattoo (but don't say we didn't warn you about your parents' wrath).