50 Hilarious Things to do at Wal-Mart
Next time you're out bargain shopping, try this stuff on for size. We triple dog dare ya. And remember to take advantage of the roll-back prices, you'll save even more.
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout
the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin
narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think
we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and
turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in
so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud
enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for
a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet
away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your
playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only
invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,"...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,
yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if thereare
any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask theclerk
if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic aspossible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:
Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,
etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,
quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If
the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get
out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask
the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about
nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's
"Master of Puppets" CD. "Chop your pizza on a mirror!"
"Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!"
"Gimme pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme pizza!"
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (If phoning Domino's, ask
for a CheeserCheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they
called you. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they
ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
20. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
21. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
22. Change your accent every three seconds.
23. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows
from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
24. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say
"Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
25. Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself
and say "No, I don't."
26. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK.
That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
27. Rent a pizza.
28. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
29. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a
sigh of relief.
30. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
31. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
32. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they
finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to
cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
33. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you
speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and
scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
34. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
35. Imitate the order taker's voice.
36. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
37. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
38. Play a guitar in the background.
39. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer
hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you
can surprise him/her.
40. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
41. Ask to see a menu.
42. Quote Carl Sandberg.
43. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
44. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
45. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
46. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should
be ashamed.
47. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
48. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
49. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say
"Where was I? Who are you?"
50. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
51. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
52. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
53. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that
these be included.
54. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk
and didn't mean it.
55. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor
he's fired.
56. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
57. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and
Mary in Tinsel Town."
58. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
59. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
swayed by your sweet words."
60. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
61. Try to talk while drinking something.
62. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1,
and... action!"
63. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
64. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
65. Be vague in your order.
66. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH
this time."
67. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
68. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.
69. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This
may be my last entry."
70. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is
going to get.
71. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up
a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
72. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they
felt that.
73. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
74. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
75. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at
regular intervals to play it.
76. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
77. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap
from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
78. Put them on hold.
79. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all
subsequent orders.
80. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat
that, say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
81. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing
you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
82. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is
repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just
don't get it, do you?"
83. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds
complicated. I hate math."
84. Haggle.
85. Order a one-inch pizza.
86. Order term life insurance.
87. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find
out, won't we?"
88. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
89. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
90. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often;
act embarrassed.
91. Engage in some serious swapping.
92. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs.
If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
93. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
94. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
95. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
96. Order a steamed pizza.
97. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is
your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
98. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the
above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best
pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."