"Sometimes, there just aren't enough rocks" -Forrest Gump
lame, I know.



Children/The Almighty Red Tape: 1/5/00
There are a couple of things that have gotten me really angry tonight for some reason. It started off earlier tonight, when Matt and I were talking in the car on the way home from band practice. Anyway, basically we were talking about adoptions, and I said off the top of my head that I thought it just seemed really unfair and unjust that someone could have the complete ability to be a loving, wonderful parent, but be denied the chance to adopt because say, they have a messy house, or because they have had depression or some other mental illness in their past. Neither of those reasons would necessarily affect a child's upbringing, but yet they are used as reasons for being denied adoption rights. But well... I suppose you can never be too careful and it's better to be safe than sorry. But I am saying, it's often tough to adopt no matter what... but yet, if you really can have children naturally, there is nothing to prevent that... no matter whether you would love that child or not, you would beat that child or not. It just seems to me incredibly unfair that you can bring a child into this world and beat it, torture it (mentally), not feed or clothe it, etc etc. and yet there are people who would be wonderful parents who cannot have children because some case worker arbitrarilly decided they were unfit. I know there is not much that can be done about this, (there will always be abusive parents, and there will always be gross mistakes made in who should be approved and who shouldn't), I am just talking off the top of my head. What I am really writing this about is things that can be prevented. I was watching the tv yesterday (yes, I know... such a hypocrite aren't I?), and I see this news report about a boy who was living in foster care. His foster "mother" apparently was VERY abusive... once it got to the point where he misbehaved once, and she burned off the bottoms of his feet, so deep to the point where he had to have skin grafted from his hip onto the bottoms of his feet. Anyway, this boy ended up getting a social/case worker, and the case was going to be brought to court. You know, hopefully so the boy could be taken out of the home and put into one that was not so abusive. But, in order for the boy to testify, the case worker had to be there. Well the court day came, the boy was there, and the case worker never showed. So the boy was put back into the same home with the same abusive foster parent! Anyway, she was so angry about him taking her to court, that later in the week... guess what? SHE BEAT HIM TO DEATH! And this wasn't like... he barely died... she beat him so hard... I saw pictures and I wanted to cry. His little body barely had form to it, and the skin was all black with blood. And this all happened because someone had too busy of a schedule to remember what she had on her schedule on a certain day. Pathetic. Also, I heard on the news just today, about this woman who had an abusive husband. The husband was so abusive that there was a warrant issued to put him in jail so he would not be able to hurt her. Not even just a restraining order, a warrant. Anyway, the warrant sat on a desk in an office, unprocessed, for many days, because the office didn't have enough staff to take care of it. So, while he had the chance, the husband killed her in cold blood. How could this happen??? Innocent people die because of clerical errors!! I can't even fathom this. It just seems so unfair to me... that because an office is understaffed, that people can die. That something as important as these two incredibly abusive situations can just slip through the cracks. I don't know exactly what I am railing against right now, but this has all really affected me. It all seems so unfair, and I felt like writing about it. As a final word... if you know anyone who beats their child with their fists, or worse... or know anyone who is abused by someone... report it. Please do not hesitate. I don't know how anyone can live with themselves letting an adult beat on a defenseless child with their fists. It's not fair. I truly don't know how people come off beating on the young...

Again, I am sorry for this being so disjointed. I am just angry and the only way I feel comfortable letting this out is through text.


If there can be closure, this is it... 11/20/99
As a continuation from the last rant, or as a statement of what has happened to me since the events of october 17th, here is my newest story. In the week after Brian's death, I talked to Wade (guy who sets up shows at the wilson center [where this all went down]) several times about how we both felt about what had happened, and basically just, cathartic conversation. It felt good to talk to someone who was going through the same things I was. Anyway, he mentioned to me that he and Ryan (his brother, who was also there) had been trying to find out if it would be possible for us to drive up to boston that weekend for his funeral. Well, I got to it and pulled strings and ended up meeting (online) some of Brian's close friends, who said we would definitely be welcome at the funeral and that we were even welcome to stay with them if we wanted. Anyway, I am getting off the subject. To me, the reason I really wanted to go to Boston was because I wanted to be able to meet this boy's parents. For one, to change what was for me, a completely isolated few moments of horror, into something real. I would know how what I had seen related to things in the rest of the world. Also, I wanted a chance to say to Brian's parents and friends that there had been someone there with him when he passed away, who at least tried to help and who at least cared whether he lived or died. Just so they'd know that he wasn't alone. Well, we went to the funeral and met his parents and everything went down just as planned and I actually ended up having a really great time up in Boston. Anyway, what I'd like to say is... there may have been one good thing, at least for me that has come from this. I feel like, for the past year and a half, I have been seperating myself more and more from my emotions. Things never get to me anymore. Before Brian's incident, I hadn't cried in close to a year and a half. I just felt like I was slowly becoming more and more cold and heartless, and not letting anything get to me. Well, when I was sitting out there on the pavement outside of the wilson center, it was like someone had opened the floodgates, and suddenly all the tears that should have been there in the past came rushing out. If you talk to people who were there, you'd know I cried for almost 20 minutes straight. And ever since then, it's like... I am more in touch with what really matters. I have just felt so much more alive, and in touch with other people and their emotions as well. I have cried more in the past month than I have in the previous two years combined. Things such as war, famine, killing... they hit me a lot harder than they did before. I have a much greater understanding now, I think, of what matters than I did before. Brian's death, however tragic and traumatic, well... it taught me how to savor life again, that every moment we have with our loved ones should truly be held on to. Thank you, Brian.
Brian's Page

Tonight... 10/17/99
This is not really a "rant" per se... as in, I am not really angry about anything. Just... well, you'll see. Tonight I went to a show that I helped set up. It was going to be my band, Grimple, Monotonashhfuck, Bodybag Romance, Darkest Hour, and De Nada. Well, after de nada's set (D.H. and Grimple were still left to go), I was going to walk down to the store to get something to eat. I saw a bunch of people gathered around and heard some people saying "what's going on?" and so I went to check it out. I found a guy laying on his stomach, and all I could see of his skin was purple/black. Everyone was just sort of standing around, not knowing what to do. This girl and I rolled him over, and then we continued pondering... we checked his pulse and he didn't have one, and he definitely wasn't breathing. His eyes were just locked straight foreward in his head (they were open). I swept his throat to make sure he wasn't choking, and we continued pondering what to do. Not once did I think "cpr". I kept alternately thinking "he'll be ok" and then "he's dead, he's dead, he's dead". It was absolutely the most surreal, and one of the most horrible, things I've ever been through in my life. I have never had to deal with death before, and today it just punched me in the face. I don't even know what to say... I feel like, there has to be a reason... this guy just died, and there was no reason for it, and I just sat there and watched it happen. Goddamn it. It came time for me to deliver on what I'd learned in cpr class, and I couldn't. All I could do was go outside and cry. The paramedics finally came and when they left, they had him on a stretcher and they were still giving him oxygen and chest compressions, so there's hope. But it's still unlikely that he lived. Even if he had, it would have been at least 15 minutes or so since he'd breathed, and well... no one can survive that long without oxygen without some serious brain damage. I just feel like... there was no reason for this. This guy was just going through his normal day, and then bang, he's dead. I can't even stand to think about it any longer. I just keep kicking myself for not doing more than I did. It sort of reminds me how fragile life is, and how truly precious...

Warped Tour/Woodstock: 8/19/99
I have never been to Warped Tour in any of the few years that it's been running. Therefore maybe I am not the authority here. But well, the entire thing seems rather ridiculous to me. First of all, who in the world would want to pay $30 dollars more or less to stand out in a hot field (or a parking lot as is the case here in DC) for a whole day, have your bags searched, have everything from water to chains on your neck taken away (only to have them sold back to you at way-inflated prices), pay $5 for water, $10 for a meal, etc... Why in the world would anyone pay for this??? Besides that, and this is my main gripe with this whole thing, this is what the mainstream media sees as "punk". A bunch of kids with dyed hair and spiked bracelets listening to poppy bands who sing about girls. Now, I am not the authority here, but punk to me is something that is so much more special. Punk to me is questioning what has been handed to you. Punk is pointing out the problems in this world and hopefully finding solutions to them. Punk is basement shows and you know, paying only $3 to see some really amazing bands. It's this entire network of friends which allows bands to tour on a shoestring budget, sleeping on people's floors and playing in warehouses, basements, etc. But it's definitely not fucking... beachballs, $20 shirts, "crowdsurfing" and all that other shit that goes on at warped tour. Warped tour is about as punk as Woodstock. Which brings me to my other point... this woodstock business is such bullshit. First of all, I can actually see woodstock '94 being organized simply for nostalgia reasons. You know, the 25th anniversary and "oh, it's this new generation and their music" and all of that. I can give them the benefit of the doubt and say that woodstock '94 MAY have actualy been organized for the "right" reasons... or at least the reasons they'd have us believe". But this Woodstock '99, it just makes me sick how blatantly greedy they are being. It's just another reminder of how, if anyone in the corporate world sees a chance to make money, they will completely fucking milk it dry. Now I hear that they plan on doing one "every five years"... what a load of bullshit. You know, I am not defending hippy culture or the original woodstock (I know that one was a profit scheme, too), but it just seems to me that that one seemed to be coming from a much different place than the latter two. And everyone in the "punk" community seems to be defending it with "well, at least they rioted at the end and burned everything down". Fuck that shit. A bunch of fucking stupid fratboys who finally realized that they were being ripped off, so they decided they'd fuck some shit up. What a load of bullshit. We can never have a worker's riot, but we get a bunch of fratboys rioting over a profit system that they helped to create. Fuck that. Sorry for being so flitty and dumb this time. I promise my next writing will be better.

Killings in Colorado- the aftermath (partII): 6/12/99
Well, I know some of the things I said in my last rant were kind of harsh. I just read over it for the first time since I read it and it seems like I left some things unclear. First of all, I'd like to make it clear that I am not being un-compassionate to the people that died or their friends and families. I extend my utmost sympathy to all those affected. That said, I do not even pretend for one second to know what these kids went through. It seems now like everyone is an expert or something... I am not even going to get into that, because basically it just seems like a lot of unconstructive ranting and raving. Anyway, I have truly been made sick by the fucking media blitz, though, a little less than before. It was pointed out to me (by myself... hmmm...) that well, the first step towards stopping this sort of thing is talking about it, a lot. So, I can somewhat understand. Still, I read newsweek and I can't help but be a bit sickened by what I read. Everything laid out so nicely. Ecch... It's still all to make money, even if some people are honestly in it to stop this sort of thing. It still holds true that the news is only there to make money, not to inform. If people stopped watching the news, or if there were some sort of regulation saying that there could be no advertising during the news, well, guess what... there'd be no news! Well, anyway, enough of that. I think everyone knows how I feel about the media. One other thing I have to say, a couple of weeks after the killings, some cheerleaders were walking around my school with this big fold out, presentation type posterboard, card. A card, for the kids in Columbine. With a SCHOOL HOUSE on the front (I believe. I have a pretty faulty memory sometimes). Aaaaahhhh! I couldn't believe it. These people were about to send a card to kids they didn't even know. I would imagine that if I'd just been through this, I certainly wouldn't want cards, flowers, whatever, from kids who didn't even know me! Augh! Does it need to be said that I didn't sign the fucking card. Of course, I was too chickenshit to tell them how I felt, either. Anyway, that's all I have to say. I just wanted to clear it up that I am not some deadpan in the face of human suffering. ok, bye.
(P.S.- does anyone else think it's bullshit that all the "news magazine" shows like dateline made such a big deal out of that girl who, when she had a gun pointed at her head, answered yes to the question "do you love God?". Ecch... RIDICULOUS! It's just another death. It's not like it mattered what she said, becuase she was dead a second later anyway... last words don't matter... huh... I am not making any sense again... goodbye!)

Killings in Colorado: 4/21/99
Anyway, yeah I've heard a few things about this bullshit out in Colorado. Frankly, it makes me sick. Not so much what actually happened (I am still not clear on that), but more how the media completely exploits the pain of all those people. Also, I think it is completely ridiculous that everyone in school acts all troubled and sad and whatnot. They didn't even know those kids. Fuck, 15 children die every minute in America from gunshot. You never see anyone crying for their sakes. The only reason people act all severe about this is to make themselves feel better. To make them seem like they're "good people" or whatever... I am not gonna front, I don't give a shit about this. I mean, I never knew these kids. I am not gonna say it's not tragic, you know. I mean... it's horrible what happened, and it's horrible whenever innocent people die. But it's not like this is something new, and it's not like some violent trend like the media portrays it to be. Everything comes in waves, just like the economy. I mean, look at the race riots that happened back in the 60's. Just as many people died in isolated incidents, and many more people were involved. Rapes, murders, etc... all that shit took place then, too. All I'm saying is the only reason the news media gives this shit so much coverage is to make money. To get you (the viewer) to not change the channel for possibly another commercial break longer. People don't realize that the news is only there to make money, just another fuckin' sitcom. People actually think that the news is there to "inform" them. This situation in Kosovo has been going on for 15 years, but when's the only time we hear about it? When the U.S. is involved. The same, there is a fucking class war going on in Chiapas, Mexico and I have never heard a fucking thing about that on U.S. news except for once when Zack De LaRocha from Rage Against The Machine went to speak on the situation up in Washington... I am sorry for such a long rant, but I just feel that this is not any more of a tragedy than all the children killed, beaten, etc every single day in america, no more of a tragedy than all the innocent men, women, and children who are forced out of their homes and killed in kosovo, all the hutus in africa, or any of that. Human suffering is human suffering, period, and I can't believe that people would have the gall to use this just to seem "proper". Ok, I'm done now.

Meine shade Weinachten: 1/3/99
So, on christmas night, I told someone who was very special to me that I never wanted to talk to them again. This person had been the main force in my life for about a year and a half. I am not saying their name in case they see this, so they won't think I am simply talking shit about them. Basically, it was a sour relationship all in all. She cheated on me all the time at first, but even besides that, she never (as I realize now) respected me at all. Well, respect isn't the right word. She never took me seriously. She would always criticize me for doing things "just to be punk rock". Totally untrue, of course. I got past that three years ago. She did sooooo many things that embarassed me or pissed me off or whatever, and on top of that, she would always criticize me for things that were basically just how she saw them. Ie, not how they really were. She criticized me for having this girl put mascera on me saying "Why do you do that stuff? It's not like girls are gonna think you're cool because of that or like you." and then she started saying that if I considered myself "bi" now that she would lose all respect for me. Basically, that was the sort of stuff she said when she got mad. Only then would the truth about how she felt come out. There are a bunch of other stories I could tell you, but I'll limit it to one. We were hanging out at another friend of mine's house, and we all decided to go to Nick's NY pizzaria (known within my circle of friends as the "mafia pizza place". We always joke about how you shouldn't piss them off or you'll end up with a pair of concrete boots or whatever). So anyways, this girl decided that she was too good for pizza, and that she'd go to the Thai place a few doors down. As if that wasn't snooty enough, she got angry when the pizza place wouldn't let her in with the thai food. The pizza place had already treated the rest of us very well, going as far as to give us a room in the back all to ourselves. It was totally reasonable that they wouldn't let her in with food from another restaurant. They finally let her in, and then she starts going off about how pizza is so horrible and why would anyone want their pizza anyway and basically just embarassing the hell out of everyone there. It was so bad that we had to order our pizza to go and go eat it at dunkin' donuts (cause they just don't care). Whatever... long story, too long to convey here, but basically, that is the sort of shit that went on all the time with us. I basically decided that she is a brat and that she has hurt me too much and I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. Besides that, when we talked, towards the end, all we did was fight anyway. So I ended it. Is that so bad? Cause I sure do feel cruel.

Kids in photography
So I'm sitting there in photography today, and I hear this kid Chris Mahoney talking... "Hey Ryan, you remember that one time you shot those birds with your bb gun?"... "yeah"... "well, after you left, those birds were still alive"... "yeah?"... "yeah, so after you left, so-and-so put his bb gun up to one of the birds heads and fired it. Its brains came out. It was so cool"... "yeah!"... What the fuck is that??? First off, this kid Ryan, he tries to be all punk or whatever, and wears those anti-nazi buttons on his bomber jacket and whatnot... and then listens to fucking skrewdriver (for those of you who don't know, skrewdriver is this nazi band. Alledged connections to the kkk, and they have a song called "white power")! What's up with that?!? And then this kid Chris Mahoney, he is always calling kids faggots and whatnot... that just made me more sick than about anything that I've heard lately. I wanted to cry right then and there. I couldn't believe that those kids put that bird through more misery than is even imaginable, and then did one of the most gruesome things they could possibly do and thought it was "cool". At that moment, I lost all respect for either Chris Mahoney or Ryan Stewart. It made me so angry that people could have such a blatant disrespect for nature, life, whatever. I only wish that I could make them feel the pain they cause. I wish I could find the chicks that their actions left motherless and make sure that they grow up healthy and strong. I wish I could explain to them how little their life is worth in comparison to that innocent bird they killed. Fuck you, Chris. Fuck you, Ryan. I hope you get run over by a fucking truck.

I hate shit talkers...
You know what? People really shouldn't talk shit... I mean, I know that it is human nature to be curious or whatever. And I know sometimes it's just talking about your friends. Thats ok. What's not ok is talking about people/things you don't even know, or have never even talked to/done. Example: This girl Crystal... she seems to think she has the right to insult me to my friends, and just talk and talk... She says I am pathetic and the only people I talk to are freshman girls when I am flirting with them, because they are the only people at school who will talk to me. First of all, how does she have the right to talk about me to my friends? I have talked to her all of once. I don't even know her! She doesn't even know me at all, yet she feels like it's ok... I suppose she just doesnt think. Well, thats the problem. You know, I dont honestly think she was trying to hurt my feelings, but it happened. I mean, you don't usually think of the ramifications of what you say, you know? People should really start. Like this other dude Reed. I don't even know this guy. I only know his name. Reed. Thats it. That, and he's friends with this other guy who was in my math class. So, for some reason, he goes and tells some more of my friends that "Jay's house smells like cat shit". Now, this is so preposterous, it doesn't even piss me off. It just makes me wonder. I mean, I have never said a word to this guy in my life. No one he even knows (to my knowledge) has even been to my house before. To everyone reading this: Please, think before you go running your fucking mouth. I mean, words hurt, you know. Don't talk about what you dont know shit about, ok? Sorry this rant was so dumb and un - thought out.

Christian? Hardcore?
I just got a new cd. It's by this band "Training For Utopia". I was assured by a friend of mine that, even though they are on tooth and nail, they were not christian, or at least, if they were, they didnt talk about it (preach) in their music. Well, their music rocks, so, dumbfuck that I am, I bought the cd (at tower records for like, $15). Well, I'm going through the cd, and I am sort of getting a christian vibe from the whole thing, but nothing that really offended me much. Then, I get to the next to the last track... SHIT! This long ass rant about how christianity is great and how everyone who denies christianity is stupid. Basically, disguised bigotry to me. Like, so many skins who wear their SHARP and anti nazi patches, just so the real them cant show, which is actually pretty bigoted. Well, Training For Utopia hide behind hardcore, which is generally accepted as pretty open minded, just so they can get out their truly closed-minded and bigoted ideas. Here is where I stand: Christianity, as a religion, is ok. I mean, straight up anti-christianity is kind of bad. The religion really does offer some good things, morality-wise. But, anti-non christian is worse. That is rejecting someone simply based on the fact that they dont believe the same thing as you. I mean, maybe I was wrong, but I thought compassion was sort of written in to christianity. I mean, you couldnt tell from the followers, but you know... I would think... fuck... I am babbling.
Anyways, I am kind of depressed by this trend of christian hc. I mean, its ok to be christian and in a hc band, but all the openly christian hc bands that I have heard just cant seem to keep from expressing their narrow-minded bigoted views. And it makes me sick that that is becoming popular now. I mean, look at the fuckin' tooth and nail fests that they have. They're fucking huge! And its partly because they are funded by televangelists and some famous christian organizations... but its also because this christian hc is getting quite a stranglehold on some people. I say, let people practice whatever religion they want, be it christianity, satanism, islam, whatever... just as long as they leave it with themselves, and dont try to force it on others, or close their minds to everything else. What I think is so funny, is, what if training for utopia are wrong? Ah, fuck it. Ill stop now. By the way, if anyone wants the Training for utopia full length, email me. I dont want it.

FUCK REGGIE WHITE!
Why? Because, thats why. Not only is he a football player who does endorsements (not that I dont like Campbells soup) his bigotry makes me sick. Today (3/26) he said in a press conference "Homosexuality is a decision, not a race". What the fuck is that? ! He was saying that homosexuals should not complain about repression because they dont know what repression is because theyre not black. Because theyve never been slaves, or they dont have slurs such as "nigger" put upon them. Well, a day has not gone by for me that I have not seen gays ridiculed by the media, but how often do we see blacks ridiculed by the media? Almost never. how many people know how the term "faggot" came into use? Almost no one. So how can the repression of the black man even come close to the repression of the gay community, whether it is a decision or not? Not that the black man doesnt have his problems as well. But really, how many young boys and girls in this day and age are ashamed of being black? ...and how many are ashamed of that one homosexual thought they might have? Think about it. Hey, Reggie White, when was the last time you were beat up or harrassed by a group of racists, or saw this happen. ...and when was the last time you saw a gay person enduring this same treatment. So dont come talking this "decision" shit to me. If it really was a decision, why do you think gays would have put up with people like you's shit for over a hundred years?
You make me sick, Mr. White.

(As a disclaimer for the above rant, I have nothing at all against the black commmunity, whether they work for negro liberation or not. I just think that, as a community that is rejected by the majority, we must work together and learn to forget out differences. Reggie White is just feeding the flames of hatred for everyone in our various movements.)



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