RANDOM THOUGHTS

 
Christmas Time

In case anyone was having trouble trying to think of gifts to buy for people at home in the Sabillasville/Thurmont/Emmitsburg metropolitan area, I researched (made up) the following list...

Top 20 most popular gifts from the Sabillasville Christmas of 1996 -------------------------------------------------------------------------

20. Pot (any drugs OK)

19. A ticket from the Thurmont police

18. Can of spray-on primer for Camaro car door

17. Newsletter in mailbox from a local neo-Nazi/KKK/white supremacist wacko

16. A romantic evening for two at the Thurmont Park parking lot (before dusk)

15. Doing a "donut" in the high school parking lot

14. Spray painting "Merry Christmas _______(Name)" on the train bridge on 550 (obscenities optional; use green and red spray paint)

13. Stolen flags or money from McDonald's (stolen money from a bank will do)

12. A "You might be a redneck if..." T-shirt

11. Coupon good for "one free ride around the Thurmont circuit"

10. Car window decal of Calvin pissing on a Ford and/or Chevy logo

9. Gift certificate for a night of gluttony at Mountain Gate (ambulance not included)

8. "Marlboro Miles", redeemable for quality Marlboro officially endorsed crap

7. A beer hat (the kind that holds two cans and has mouth tubes on it)

6. Shotgun shells (buckshot, not slugs)

5. Large belt buckle with one syllable name on it (spelled correctly; for example "DOUG")

4. A Christmas video ("A KKK Christmas in Rocky Ridge")

3. A new mailbox (replacing the one destroyed by vandals last Christmas)

2. Pine tree car air freshener (original scent; none of that strawberry or vanilla shit)

And finally, the number one Christmas gift for the Catoctin High School area...

1. A Merry Christmas wish from one very bored cadet at West Point, and hopes that 1998 is not half as shitty as 1997....

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Douglas Haskin

Catoctin High; Class of '94

"If I had Christmas bells up my butt, they would jingle when I walked, but it would be hard to take a dump."