 Fig 1 - One of our many smoke signal stations |
The Evil Company's Plan
to
Foil the FCC by Transmitting Information
with
Smoke Signals
No matter where the Evil Company is doing its evil deeds, we must have music. Unfortunately, the FCC has decided that it is unlawful for us to transmit with our 4,000,000,000,000,000 watt radio tower within the continental US. Most third world countries don't have the power systems or mindless labor that the good old USA has, so moving our tower outside of the country was out of the question. We could just turn it on and use it anyhow, but that's not EVIL enough, so our mad scientists have worked many months on devising our best plan yet: We've set up thousands of bonfires around the globe so that we can use smoke signals to send our music to anywhere in the world without using radio frequencies! (see fig. 1) This plan has been approved by the following companies and associations: The Coal Burner's Club, Pemex, Exxon, People for a Dirtier Earth, Corporations Against the Environment, Dow Chemical, the US Army, and People With More Than Two Arms Co. Inc.
Fig 1 - One of our many smoke signal stations |
The first smoke stations our scientists made were analog and could only run line-of-sight. This had limitations since so many signal stations were needed. Also, the sound quality of our music was limited to that of an AM radio. Many of these early stations were maintained by God-fearing souls who we had convinced that the fire was something sacred. (see fig. 2) The Evil Company installed representatives as "priests" to oversee the maintenance of the fires. However this backfired when the God-fearing peasants revolted against the priests and threw them into our music bonfires. It was then decided that the peasants should be masacred and the old analog system should be replaced.
 Fig 2 - Old analog smoke signal station |
Since then we've upgraded to the superior digital smoke station with a range of over 100 miles apiece. These stations can provide a full 16 bits of CD quality sound throughout the world. (see fig. 3) The Evil Company has set up a coalition of corrupt government officials throughout the world to avoid the heavy fines that come with the deforestation, polution, and the inevitable corpse burning that accompanies our digital bonfires.
 Fig 3 - A digital smoke signal station under construction |
None of this could be possible without the help of our great scientists and their stolen minds. Many new devices had to be stolen from their rightful inventors to opperate the vast network of bonfires. To translate the audio data to and from smoke signals, a simple device is used. It consists of a large cast iron base with a big wheel and a crank. (see fig 4) No one really knows how to use this device correctly. Luckily, as with all technology, there is one person who does know how to opperate this device, and the Evil Company has taken the liberty to lock this person in the basement of our home offices, occasionally feeding him dirty sport socks and lint.
 Fig 4 - Smoke signal translator |
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