HOW NOT TO BE EATEN BY A BEAR
MEANT TO BE A VERY HELPFUL GUIDE TO THE WILDERNESS OF THE GREAT OUT OF DOORS AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

Introduction It's a warm afternoon, the birds are singing and a slight breeze rustles the leaves of the trees on either side of a path. Then what should drop out of the big birch tree in front of you but a big old bear! What do you do? What DO you do? Option 1: Don't Run! Running is useless against a bear, because they're faster than you are. That, and running will put stress on you, and stress on the bear, and the bear's going to eat you eventually anyways, so you might as well just get eaten here and save everyone some effort. That and running will make your muscles stringy and not taste as good.  Option 2: if you don't run, there's always fisticuffs. Mano a Bearo. And we all know how honourable those bears are at fighting.

PROPER FORM IS ESSENTIAL!

How to Prepare Yourself The proper tools for being prepared for a bear, are a big knife (or a chainsaw, or similar large cutting implement), some pepper (or similar spices), grease or oil, and if you've got the space, some sauces.  Upon sighting the bear, immediately remove the sauce and spices and start to season and baste yourself. Remember, the bear's enjoyment is paramount, and a poor choice of sauces is very detrimental to the enjoyment of all concerned. Presentation to the snobby bear is important. Walk up to the bear with your head up, shifting your top hat a bit, and say in a loud confident voice "Hello, Mr./Mrs. Bear, I am top class meat, and will make a good meal. Enjoy."  Sometimes a song and a dance is necessary if you're dealing with an especially snobby bear. Oil yourself up as you go down the gullet so the bear will not be worried about friction.

How to be Eaten Proper form when being eaten is important as well. Squirming and kicking only makes the meal less pleasurable for the bear, and of course does nothing for you, so you might as well not do it. This is where the knife comes in. If the bear eats you feet first, you can fillet yourself so that the bear doesn't have large chunks to eat. If your head's eaten first, then you might as well just forget about it, as you're dealing with a rude bear that doesn't care about the preparation of the meal at all.

A RUDE BEAR

How to Prepare For Ejection From the Bear Being bear excrement is not the most pleasant of experiences, but one can prepare for the inevitable.  When preparing for ejection, proper lubrication is essential. Just like going in, when going out, friction is the largest factor to not enjoying the meal.

Afterword

Yes, there is a wrong way to be eaten by a bear, and not following the proper preparations can result in an undesirable end for both sides, and an unsatisfying meal for the bear. By following the preparation methods, at least the bear will leave happy.

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