HOW NOT TO BE EATEN BY A BEAR
Introduction
It's a warm afternoon, the birds are singing and a slight breeze rustles
the leaves of the trees on either side of a path. Then what should drop
out of the big birch tree in front of you but a big old bear! What do you
do? What DO you do?
Option 1: Don't Run!
Running is useless against a bear, because they're faster than you
are. That, and running will put stress on you, and stress on the bear,
and the bear's going to eat you eventually anyways, so you might as well
just get eaten here and save everyone some effort. That and running will
make your muscles stringy and not taste as good. Option 2: if you don't
run, there's always fisticuffs. Mano a Bearo. And we all know how honourable
those bears are at fighting.
How to Prepare Yourself
The proper tools for being prepared for a bear, are a big knife (or
a chainsaw, or similar large cutting implement), some pepper (or similar
spices), grease or oil, and if you've got the space, some sauces.
Upon sighting the bear, immediately remove the sauce and spices and start
to season and baste yourself. Remember, the bear's enjoyment is paramount,
and a poor choice of sauces is very detrimental to the enjoyment of all
concerned. Presentation to the snobby bear is important. Walk up to the
bear with your head up, shifting your top hat a bit, and say in a loud
confident voice "Hello, Mr./Mrs. Bear, I am top class meat, and will make
a good meal. Enjoy." Sometimes a song and a dance is necessary if
you're dealing with an especially snobby bear. Oil yourself up as you go
down the gullet so the bear will not be worried about friction.
How to be Eaten
Proper form when being eaten is important as well. Squirming and kicking
only makes the meal less pleasurable for the bear, and of course does nothing
for you, so you might as well not do it. This is where the knife comes
in. If the bear eats you feet first, you can fillet yourself so that the
bear doesn't have large chunks to eat. If your head's eaten first, then
you might as well just forget about it, as you're dealing with a rude bear
that doesn't care about the preparation of the meal at all.
How to Prepare For Ejection From the Bear
Being bear excrement is not the most pleasant of experiences, but one
can prepare for the inevitable. When preparing for ejection, proper
lubrication is essential. Just like going in, when going out, friction
is the largest factor to not enjoying the meal.
Afterword
Yes, there is a wrong way to be eaten by a bear, and not following
the proper preparations can result in an undesirable end for both sides,
and an unsatisfying meal for the bear. By following the preparation methods,
at least the bear will leave happy.
