Funnies




I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.



Wife: Marriage.. you don't even know the meaning of the word.
Husband: Thats not a word... it's a sentence!



The beatings will continue until morale improves



Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.. no WAIT.. Not me... YOU!!

-- Jack Handy



Lady Astor: If you were my husband I'd poison your drink!
Churchill: If you were my wife, I'd drink it.



Lady Astor: You sir, are drunk!
Churchill: Yes, but you are ugly. And in the morning I'll be sober.



I wish that for just one time, you could stand inside my shoes. And just for that one moment, I could be you. Ohhh, yes I wish that for just one time, you could stand inside my shoes. You'd know what a drag it is to see you.

-- Bob Dylan



My father always said that laughter is the best medicine...
which I guess is why most of us died of tuberculosis.

-- Jack Handy



The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

-- Mark Twain



From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents. From 18-35, she needs good looks. From 35-55, she needs a good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash.

-- Sophie Tucker



Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, its time to reform.

-- Mark Twain



The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

-- Jack Handy



A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.



If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you are swimming.

-- Jack Handy



That man that hath a tongue, I say is no man
If with his tongue he cannot win a woman.

-- W. Shakespeare from Two Gentleman of Verona



"They killed Kenny!"
"You bastards!"
-- South Park