Jokes

This joke really only works if you are a guy telling it... What would happen if I were a rooster, and you were a donkey, and you ate my legs?....You'd have two feet of my cock up your ass. (I know, lame *S*)
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One day, a grandpa takes his grandson fishing. The grandpa pulls out a beer, and the boy says, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The grandpa asks, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" ...."No," says the little boy. .... "Then you can't have a beer." .... A while later, grandpa pulls out a cigar. "Can I have a cigar?" ....The grandpa repeats, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" .... "No," the boy says. ...."Then you can't have a cigar!" ... A while later, when they get back home, the boy's mom had just made him chocolate chip cookies. Grandpa says, "Hey, can I have a cookie?" So the boy asks him, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" ...... "Fuck yes, my dick touches my asshole!" ....."Then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies!"
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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
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Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck."What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend."Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck."No," his friend replied."You's QUEER, ain't ya?"
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Here's a good receipe for one of your holiday get-togethers!!!!
Holiday Fruitcake Recipe
(Grandma's Favorite)
You will need the following ingredients:
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
4 Large eggs
lemon juice
1 tsp. baking soda
nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

DIRECTIONS;= Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check whisky again to be sure it is of highest quality. pour 1 level cup and drink it. Repeat if necessary. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still ok. Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey again. Now sift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don"t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
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The first part of you to go to Heaven
A young woman was teaching Sunday school to a group of very young children. One day she asked the class a question. She said, "Class, who can tell me the first part of you to get to heaven when you die?" The young children sat silently thinking, then finally little Jimmy in the front of the class raised his hand. The teacher said "Okay, Jimmy, what do think is the first part of you that gets to Heaven?"
Jimmy said, "The top of your head, because when you're standing up, it's the closest thing to Heaven."
The teacher then said, "Well that's not quite what I'm looking for. Does anybody else have any ideas?"
So little Mary raised her hand and said, "I know the answer; it's your heart."
The teacher said, "Your heart, why do say that?"
Mary said, "Cause that's where all the goodness and stuff is and, when you die, it gets there first."
The teacher smiled and said, "That's real nice, but it's not quite what I'm looking for. Anyone else?"
Just then little Hank, the class troublemaker, raised his hand. The teacher thought to herself, "Oh great, Hank!" Aloud she said, "Okay, Hank, what do you think the answer is?"
Hank then said all confident like he knows exactly what he's talking about, "The soles of your feet!"
The teacher said, "The soles of your feet?!, Why do say that?!"
So Hank says, "Well the other day I went upstairs and my mother was lying on her bed with her feet up in the air saying, 'Oh my God I'm coming.', and if it wasn't for the mailman holding her down, I think she would have went."
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A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life." The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?" Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything." The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old." Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?" The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
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TIPS FOR MAKING THE TRANSITION FROM ONLINE TO REAL LIFE
Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does delivery.
Wear Pants - Countless attempts to better oneself have been cut tragically short by leaving the house without proper attire.
Use Your Real Name - Sorry, but nobody will be impressed if you go by the name "2HOT4U", "Monarch" or "SATAN666". Names like "Steve" or "Greg" will do just fine.
Do Not Stare at Breasts - Remember, women can see what you're doing now.
The Telephone is Your Friend - Hear that ringing sound? Pick up the phone. Now speak into it.
If Your Car Crashes, You Cannot Simply Reboot It
Do Not Be Surprised That Nobody Looks Like Gillian Anderson
Do Not Flame People - Comparing everyone you disagree with to unclean primates will not win you friends. In fact, you may get into a physical fight. If so, the next tip may be of help.
That Red Stuff is Called Blood - Not to be confused with ketchup, blood is what keeps you alive. If you are leaking, the real world offers human tech support in the form of doctors and hospitals
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TOP 10 SIGNS OF "JOB BURN-OUT"

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Stop asking me all these damn questions!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.
7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.
And the NUMBER ONE sign that you are burned out because of work.....
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
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One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
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Three Irishmen are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle... The drunk shouts: "Your mom's the best damn lay in town!"
Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.
The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was s-w-e-e-e-t!"
Once again the young man holds back his Irish temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.
Not two minutes pass when once again he's back harassing the young man. For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man's ear: "You know, your mom even let me..."
Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
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Now, at long last, some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic.
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors half-frames, too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's belly button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Floppy Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sore feet with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With mini van in robin egg blue or white, and a cooler filled with donut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-Life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping into her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car and Ken's boat.
10. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House, and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
11. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and a six pack of Caffeine Free Diet Coke.
12. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.
As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self." You can choose any of the above in the 'dishwater blond' or 'bleached blond with dark roots' version
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