A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined him and asked "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this blonde chick next door. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the fridge and stick it on a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well," said the man,"I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog there, I removed it and substituted my dick.
"It was a great idea and everything was going real good, too. Then someone knocked on her door, and she jumped off of my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
This famous Greek sheep owner was having a house built on a large piece of land in Greece. He said to the architect:
"Don't disturb that tree over there because directly under that tree is where I had my first sex."
"How sentimental, right under that tree," the architect said.
"Yes," continued the Greek, "And don't touch that tree over there either. Because that's where her mother stood watching while I was having my first sex."
"Her mother just stood there while you screwed her daughter?" the architect asked.
"Yes," replied the Greek sheep owner.
"But what did her mother say?"
"Baaaa."
A woman is picked up by a basketball player in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt and she sees that on his arm is a tattoo which reads Reebok. She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. He says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for the advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees Puma tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word Aids tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has Aids!" He says, "It's cool baby...in a minute it's going to say Adidas.
A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.
After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, "I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around." She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.
There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.
He arrived home about 1:00 a.m.
and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked "Well, how was the party?" He
replied, "It was no fun without you honey." She said, "I don't believe
you. I bet you had lots of fun!" He replied, "Really, Honey. When I got
to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and
played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had
one hell of a great time!"
Do you know the difference between a cock-sucker and a corned-beef sandwich?
No.
Good. Come over for lunch tommorow.
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home. he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted', down one hill and 'putted up' the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiiippp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard the "phone farewells" he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his Hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peaked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled "Surprise!!" To his shock & terror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.