12/15/00

Ladies and gentlemen.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, you feed him for life...

I am tired of giving you fish.

At this moment I am proud to introduce you to the biggest pain in my ass.
To meet such a person, do as follows.

First of all, you will need to print a copy of this out.
Have you done so? I will wait.

You're done? Good.

Now to the real directions.

1.Take your copy of directions and stand up.
2.Leave whatever room you are in.
3.Find the bathroom or washroom.
4.Look in the mirror.

Hey, there you are!

Why are you my problem?
Well, I'll tell you why.
You are very co-dependant.
After meeting me, you made a decision.
You made the decision that your own decision making skills, and in fact your life skills are sub-par (which in fact is probably true), and you have noticed that my own skills in such fields are far above yours.
You have decided to tell me all of your problems.
All of your repetetive problems.
Over and over.
And over and over.
Each time, each one of you thinking your problem is completely unique and unsolvable.

Yet each time I came through for you, and led you to an 'impossible breakthrough'.

So you consciously or otherwise decided that I should handle your entire stupid life.

I, in fact, refuse to do this.

You, in fact, will make your own fucking decisions.
I'll teach you how.

First of all, you will separate logic and emotion.
Second, you will use logic.
For example, if what you want is not something you cannot achieve then you will not get it.
For example, if you want something, but will not work towards it,
then you will not get it.

Third, you will ask yourself questions.
Logical questions.
From questions will come answers.
If clear answers do not come, you have followed step one incorrectly and must do it over.
If you get upset, you have followed step one incorrectly and must do it over.
If clear answers arrive, you have gone through the process properly
and will know what you need to do.

If you continue to come up with no answers,
yet swear you are separating the two factions,
then not only are you stupid
you are also in denial.

Questions provide questions that provide answers.
You must simplify.
Complicating matters does not help.
You must simplify.
Complicating matters does not help.

You cannot live in the past.
You must live in the present.
You must get over things.
You need to relax.
You need to take things less seriously.
You need to develop a better sense of humour.

You need to stop being your own worst problem.

You need to grow up.
You must become independant.
Your answers do not lie in tears.
Your answers do not lie in outbursts.
Your answers do not lie in yelling or other forms of anger.
Your answers lie in solving of problems, by asking yourself the correct questions.

If I could program well enough to write some java code to ask you some basic questions, I would.
If you still have problems standing on your own two feet and taking responsibility for your own actions, and if I could send you a magic 8-ball to answer your questions with finality you could never muster, I would.

While it is true that for girls. you can often make men solve your problems with crying, this is a dirty, disgusting, respectless process.
Letting me take charge of your life is not the solution.

However.

We are not all leaders.
Followers are necessary.
Greed is not always bad.
Without it, who would choose to work in offices and do all the paperwork for us?
Think.
Please... think.

There are two sides to your brain.
Use them both alternately and together.

Kick off your shoes
and put on someone elses.
Think.
Please... think.
Understand.
Please... understand.

Turn the lights down low
and smoke some pot
or have a brandy
or masturbate
or listen to some Sinatra
or get a facial
or do whatever it is you do to relax.
Take some deep breaths.

Life is short, and is only ever a fluke away from being gone.
Life is short, and is only ever a car accident away from being gone.
Life is so so very very short short.

Do not be distracted by what is tangible.
Do not be distracted by anything you can touch.

Because in the beginning
and because in end,
all you have is you.
And all you are is your emotions...

and your logic.

If you have read all this...
if you have understood everything here...
if you can follow through with yourself, and refrain from pettiness...
breathe a deep breath
for you are now golden, and you are now my friend.

Unless...

you mention this page to me.
Doing so would be petty
and counterproductive to why it is here.
Simply read it.
Over and over, if necessary.

Do not whine and ask me what is wrong.
Do not persist and become an annoyance.
I have told you what is wrong.
It is you. Because you are helpless.