He sits with wonder in his head.
'What's so wrong with me?' he thinks 'What's so wrong with me in a world where terrors walk the streets and fear of loneliness is larger than life?'
He'll get up and try and sit down and fail
and nothing ever changes.
And I have to shake my head and agree with him
I have to think what a miserable place this world can be
and how much worse it is when you think there's something so wrong with you.
And if I could make him feel better I would
but there's nothing that can do it this time but her.
If she'd just let him know
what went on inside her
neither of them would be stuck in their problems
and they could find the strength to crawl out of the chasms they've built around themselves.
The streets have always been empty for him
and it's hard to make life into a party when no one shows up to join you.
How does he make it enough? Nobody told him what he needs to know, they always just expected him to know how the machine works.
And that's fine in private
and that's fine behind closed doors
but out in the open and searching for sunlight in a smile
he gets darkness in a scowl.
It seems so pointless.
To have learned so many words, and none of them are ever the right ones for anyone but himself.
But why does it matter what someone else feels inside?
Why does it matter if they can't understand him if he understands himself?
Why does he lets the pointing get to him? That's what I don't understand.
Why does he let the names they call after him chill his bones?
I don't understand that either, but I guess I don't have to
because it hurts me just the same to see that happen.
And all things good and bad in the world come from one boy
sitting and wondering
when?
When will it be my turn?
When will I find out what's so wrong with me
that I can't be tolerated
that I can be enjoyed as much as anyone else
even though I'm not a monster
like all the terrors that walk the streets
with the larger than life fear of ending up alone, alone, alone.
He thinks;
I *have* to be better than a bad case of loneliness,
right?
...but can't quite convince himself of that.
Back.