Mon., Aug 5/02 10:51pm
Ugh. The show goes on in... I can't even think. Thursday, that's when. Thursday through Sunday, and then that's IT. It's not so bad... besides the actors. My crew is fine... but the actors just don't stop yapping through anything. One in particular, the kind of outsider who hasn't done any shows with anyone else in the group, is kind of hard to read and... deal with, sometimes.
Camp starts again tomorrow. I hope Catherine isn't going to be a retarded spaz again for the whole session. I'll probably catch hell from her for not mowing the lawn today at the theatre, but fuck, the mower wouldn't start, what am I supposed to do? I even asked Murray about it, and he said not to worry about it. Fuck. Yeah, Catherine came in to the theatre yesterday on half a rampage. Blah blah blah, why isn't the lawn cut, blah blah blah, I'm a bitch. I told her today was for mowing the lawn, then she says well maybe I won't get paid for this past week because I didn't do anything. Fucking unbelievable. After that, well... looks like there's one more team forming in the Brantford theatre scene... mine. I mean, there's too many already... The Murray team, the Ken team, the Art team, the Catherine team... and now that I'm abandoning her... well, I guess there's mine. And the beautiful part... no one knows. Ahhhh, satisfying.
Fuck am I ever getting sick of Brantford. The appeal of living here is fading fast. I mean, no Doug, and with no Doug comes the absence of other people. As well, living at home bites... plus there's bitchy Catherine, irritating theatre people... Joel moved to Hamilton... arrgh. So what do I like to do? Go to Kingdom (like this past Friday, which was pretty good, I got shy-ly picked up) and kick it out... go hang out with Ken at Joels... and that's about it. Oh, and there's the crew stuff, like painting with Evelyn is usually a decent time.
Fuck this, time to blow some fuckers away on Unreal.

Sun., July 21/02 10:20pm
Back from rehearsal. Man, HorseHead is really the only thing keeping me going these days. I really don't feel like going back into camp tomorrow. Well, I don't feel like going in *early*, anyhow. I want to fucking sleep! Like, I got to Friday night, but only because I went to my mom's and avoided the traditional Friday night drunk-fest starring my dad.
Went out shopping in Hamilton yesterday with Matt. It was good, I just wish we'd have had more time for it. I snagged a BR workshirt, a couple of wristbands, a Misfits disc, a couple of patches, and a metal spike for my lip, which is actually really really sharp. Thing is, I used my debit card for the buying, and it came up as insufficient funds. Matt volunteered to pay for me, so now I owe him around $40.
Hmn, what else? I don't quite know. We made almost $200 at the bbq on Friday for HorseHead.
Ehn, I got nothin'. I'll be back at the theatre in less than 10 hours... whoop-dee-doo.

Mon., July 15/02 9:32pm
Ugh. Icq has just become a wasteland of annoying people. I think I might just start over with a new number again. I mean, blah... the invisible doesn't work... people still fucking message me on N/A... it's ridiculous. Yeah, so a new number might be grand. Or I might get on this MSN thing after all... it all depends on what Megan uses, really.
People have been big on the freaking out lately. And being stupid, too. Catherine had another stupid freakout this morning. We came in, and it said 'Ringer is OFF' on the phones in the office. So she had a mini caniption, thinking that meant a phone was off the hook somewhere in the building. So then, I just pushed the volume button and turned the ringer on. The display said, 'Ringer is ON' after that. Then she's still being weird, and says "That's not what it normally says though, is it? Is it?" And I pointed back to the display and it said the date like it normally does. So I put my hand on her shoulder and tell her it's okay, and she flips out, yelling about some 'yeah, well thanks for making fun of me, that made me feel really good' shit! I couldn't believe it. Like... what the fuck? Ugh. And that's just the latest of the spree. Fuck, this summer is really really starting to severely suck ass. I mean... I alienate Doug and Catherine... my dad starts working days... I fail with Amanda and Julia... HorseHead might not get off the ground... I'm almost completely broke... had to buy a new computer... my car doesn't run... I have no place to live when I go back to school... and there's more fucking annoying Subway commercials than ever!!
I need a beer.

Sat., June 29/02 9:44pm
Well, I went out and did it. I damn well asked Julia out. Uh, sort of. I had the basics planned going in to talk to her today... the basics being something like this: I ask her, hey, you have plans tonight? And if she says 'yes', then I tell her to blow them off, being all commanding and masculine and irresistable, and she's intrigued, and she does it. So then, if she says no, then I switch game plans, and then I be coy and say that's a damn shame, because if she did, then I could tell her to blow them off and come out with me instead. Well, it ended up being a combination, as I suspected it might anyhow. However, there was no blowing off, sadly enough. She was going out with Zoey, and Zoey had important stuff to say, I do believe. Arrgh. She told me that just because she couldn't tonight, it was no reason I shouldn't ask again (in major hint format that excited me greatly). I was, however, very decidedly un-sly in handing over my phone number, also as predicted. I think the goofiness adds to my charm. At least, I hope it does.
So yeah, that's about all I really wanted to talk about. It was a mostly bogus day otherwise, really. Lots of heat during a long walk to the theatre, the phone stopping working... bleh.
I did, however, wake up from an interesting dream this morning. I was in North Bay, living with some other guys, and someone wanted to hear a Misfits cd. I couldn't find mine, so I got Amanda to send me one of hers. Somehow it arrived pretty much automatically. Then she arrived a short while after that, wearing only classic black lingerie and a scowl... and talking on a cell phone. I found that to be fairly representative... never paying attention to who she's supposed to be.

Tues., June 25/02 2:27am
Been a while between writings. I'm trying to fight that, but it's hard. I know I need to keep writing on a semi-regular basis or I'll likely stop altogether. Which is not a good thing to happen.
Ugh, Amanda's talking to me on icq for some reason. It's actually making me physically ill and might eat into how long I write here. Quite the timing on that girl. It was nice of her to let me know other guys are making her happy, very sweet, and just the kick in the nuts I needed. It's also nice of her to make contact just to criticize me, ohhh yeah, what a turn-on.
Anyhow, on a less sarcastic front... it's hard to help feeling that things are falling apart. I've been banned from Doug again in regards to a situation I don't feel like getting into right now, only because it's too long and ridiculous a story. The basics of it though is that his (ex)girlfriend came to me with some problems, concerns, and secrets, and I didn't tell him any of them... so apparently I'm a bad friend for not betraying her confidence. Ehn, I don't regret my decision, I stand by it, rather. And if I had to do it again, I would. She needed help, I helped. The only thing I would have done differently was tell her how to keep icq from logging our message history. Because that's how he found out we talked, you see, by reading her history with *everyone* on her contact list. Ah shit, I guess I talked about the situation after all, eh?
So now after losing Amanda, I lost Doug, and now after losing Doug, I may have lost Catherine. She's in some weird huffy pissy fit over something that appears to be my fault. In typical female manner, she won't tell me what or confront me about it though, so what the fuck do I care? I mean, what can I do, you know? Sit around and pout? Fuck that. And *that* I really don't want to talk about, because it's a lot harder to explain, though it's been a shorter span of time. It's brutal, anyhow.
So... I don't know. I'm... well, I feel different things about... ah hell, I'll have to just jump right into this one... I don't know about asking Julia out. Yeah, Zoey's (see above: Doug's (ex)girlfriend)) friend Julia, who works at Sunrise, who is completely sexy, yet doesn't seem to get a lot of serious male attention for some reason (so she says). I just can't get her out of my head. Saturday, there was no question. If I had access to a car, and could have gone and seen her, I would have done it. Because... well, honestly... she makes me feel so good. I don't think she's ever said an ill word to me, and we have great banter and conversation and... I don't know. We just kind of seem to fit. So... Saturday, I was going to ask her out. I even had the date planned, which is not like me at all, because I don't like being presumptuous and making decisions like that. I was so sure, and still... I am, actually... I'm just worried, is all. Because right now just about everything is going in degrees of wrong. Residence was full so I have to start looking for a place to live, which is a lot of pressure. Catherine and Doug are both off their nut, and I don't *do* anything anymore besides theatre stuff. I just don't want to have to take another defeat. Thing is, if it worked out... then half the shit that's troubling me just wouldn't matter anymore, I know it. That's always been the case... as long as I have one great and positive thing to cling to, then half the other shit doesn't matter nearly as much. So I don't know. I think... fuck, you know what? I might as well. Another defeat is just really going to be another defeat at this point. So I guess we'll see, won't we?

Sat., June 15/02 11:47pm
So the story. Well, it started last night. Me and this friend of mine I haven't seen in a while, Ron, we went out. First to some lame bar/club where girls wear leather pants and heels and long hair, and the guys are all billboards. Yeah, billboards for like... the Date Rapists Society or something. So that sucked, and we left. I got Taco Bell(!), some fucking quesidillas! Then, as I suspected, we found ourselves in the strip club. Now, I don't know what it is, but I seem to have an excellent rapport with women in the service industry, which includes both waitresses and strippers. It's really strange how they flock to me in any environment, and how charming I end up being with them. Makes them quite disappointed when they find out I'm poor. Anyhow, there's two strip clubs in town, we went to one, kind of bad and empty, so we went to the other one. And then in began. By that time, I was fairly intoxicated. Going from place to place and drinking the mandatory beers at each... yeah, I was well on my way. Well, at our final destination, there were a few girls in the audience... and one of them just started hitting on me relentlessly. It's always a big weird strange shock when that happens, because it isn't very often. And this was the last place I expected it, right? As well there, I saw an employee who looked just like one of my ex's, and it took me a while to figure out if she was or not. I finally figured it out that she wasn't, because of the strippers lack of tattoos. But that was a really odd feeling, to think that an ex was a stripper. But, this drunk chick is hitting on me, and kissing my hand and stuff, it was really weird. So, I did what any normal Brantford guy would do... I walked her home, smoked drugs with her and she passed out. I got back here at 5 in the morning. Well, I slept til about 1. I was thrashed when I got in, and should have slept longer. But I got up, remembering that tomorrow is fathers day, and my dad would make a terrible stink if he didn't at least get a card, even though he's always saying how he doesn't need anything, and blah blah blah. Big liar. So, I go over to my mom's, get her new used car, and go to the mall in search of a gay-ass card. That subverted my real intent on going, however... in the hopes that Julia, a girl who I had great interest in before I left Brantford last summer, would be working at the music store. Well, she ended up being there. And she was outright charming for the whole visit. Like, the first thing she said when she saw me was, "You look GREAT!!". I ended up talking to her for around an hour, under the guise (which I fully admitted was a guise) of looking through cd's and dvd's. It was really... strange and refreshing and complimentative and honest, and I just ended up leaving the store with this great big smile plastered on my face. See, that story sounds a little more eventless, but felt better for me after.

Sat., June 15/02 6:21pm
Oooookay! I'm finally back. After a month and a half of no computer, I got this heap of junk back... sort of. They actually yanked the guts out of my old computer and put it in a new one with a slightly better processor and a little more RAM. The thing went kaput when I was moving back here from North Bay, back to Brantford, that is. That was a good move back, might I add. Amanda... she was great, I had a truly wonderful time with her... but... well, I don't know what happened. She had a really good time too, but when the next weekend came and we'd made plans to spend the whole weekend together... she just blew me off. It was pretty crushing, and has been still since then. Again, I wish I knew what went wrong, but I don't, and she's reluctant to share... so I'll never really know.
The ride back... the ride back was the best part, except maybe for the sleeping. Fit very well in my arms in the dark, she did. But the ride... it was so nice. I moved the divider out from between the two seats in the front, so it was one long row of seating, and she snuggled up next to me, it was classic... one hand on the wheel, the other arm around her. Damn, was it ever something. Right out of a movie or something... and as dumb as it sounds... it was something I always wanted to experience. A long night drive with a pretty girl next to me, some light kissing and snuggling... it was just perfect.
But... as we should figure... that's over with. So now I have a number of stories to tell. And tell I shall, soon. Now, however, I am crapped out. Didn't get home til 5 this morning, woke back up around 1... so yeah, I'm beat.
Oh yeah, one thing before I do go though... "Mmmm... Juuuuliaaaa..."