Dummy.
We all know it, that's what I am, at heart. I have a pretty good understanding of a lot of things... understandings that make sense to me, anyhow, but probably not other people... and yeah, I'm just a big dummy, basically. For instance, I'm perfectly comfortable being completely comprised of antonyms and antonyms alone. I'm a bunch of weird opposites stuck together. I can dig it, it makes sense to me. I think it's kinda boss, actually.
So, given that... fuck, you know... I'm not even sure what I think I should be writing right now, only that I should be.
I had this thought the other day. I thought that when everything ends, like, when the universe collapses in on itself in a billion billion years and just becomes this tiny atom again, and then explodes again... everything is going to happen all over again, exactly the same way it did this time. There'll be the milky way and dinosaurs and this Jesus-lookin' guy wandering around the desert. There'll be the Crusades and Hitler and chocolate milk.
And why is that?
Because it happened this time. That's the only reason.
Why would anything turn out different? For instance, I could say that... hmn... what can I use for an example? Oh, lets try this... for example... today I chose to buy smokey bacon chips. I bought them instead of dill pickle, ketchup, or sour cream n' onion. I could have easily chosen any of them, but I didn't. I picked smokey bacon.
And I think everything else will be the same way, starting right at the beginning.
That one super-dense atom could detonate, and it couldn't. But it will.
Because it did.
There could be dinosaurs, and there could not be. But there will be, because there were.
I doubt I'm making myself at all clear. And that's fine. Mostly because I'm way the fuck off topic anyhow.
So what's the topic? I told you, I don't fucking know! Sort of.
I do know, too. It just won't come out.
I think... I think it has to do with people. Actually, I'm fairly positive it does... I mean, when doesn't it?
Now, going from that logic, it probably has to do with me too, and my interaction with people. I don't think that's too illogical an assumption.
Wow, I'm really going crazy here. Huh.
I wonder about people, you know? I wonder how people I knew are doing, what they're doing. There's no real logical reason for it... yet I wonder regardless.
I think when I come back upon this time in my life in my later years, I'll call it a time of exploration. I go off on a lot of headtrips as of late. None of them amount to a whole lot, none of them are too profanely insightful... I just find myself lost in thought a lot... a lot more than usual, even.
I'm experimenting a fair bit in humility and modesty. Some of it ends up sounding like self depreciation, too.
I don't know if it's my age, or the time of year or what. Seems a couple of other people are feeling some strange effects too. Admissions that used to be a lot harder are coming so freely that it doesn't even feel weird.
I've got these three little booklets that I carry around with me to write things in. I keep going off in them about people from the past. Not just people from the past though, people as they were in the past too, like my current friends. And I wonder about the people I just met here in North Bay, what they were like in the past. When they were 15, what they'll be like when they're 22 like me.
One of my fish is cranking out one of the biggest fish poops I've ever seen.
I think this all comes from my hair. Not the poop, this feeling. That was just an observation I wanted to share.
No, see, I'm growing my hair out again.
I shouldn't be. It really feels like I shouldn't be. Like... like this won't be happening next time... and didn't happen the last time... that the universe imploded. Like one, stupid, insignificant gesture like growing my hair out... it could be the end. Of everything. Forever. Just because it's never happened before in a billion, billion years... just because. And I'm not even talking about some kind of weird-ass chain reaction or something, like my long hair catches on fire while touring a nuclear missle silo, I run around in panic, hit The Button, and everything goes black in a boomboomboom of missles. Nuh uh.
Sudden, instantaneous, boom of time and space. So fast we wouldn't even hear it.
How about that? What if it were true?
It reminds me of my perfect jellybean, a bit.
If you're not familiar with the perfect jellybean theory, it goes a little like this:
Perfection exists, somewhere. Somewhere on this planet. Yes, somewhere on this planet is one jellybean... one (probably pink or white) jellybean, which holds every perfection mankind has ever known within it.
It's a ridiculous notion, but a very romantic one, I think. Because the real question isn't, 'where is it?', or even 'how could this be?'... but rather, 'what would you do with it once you found it?'
Would you eat it? Would you give it to the person you love the most? And if you did, would you tell them what it truly was, or let them be oblivious?
I'm starting to think that's what I'd do. At first, I thought maybe I'd showcase it somehow, and take it all over the world.
I hadn't even thought of that other option. Giving it to someone else, to devour, and have all that perfection become a part of them.
I think... I think I'd try to give it to the ol' Groundhog. I really do. Don't know why, exactly, and fuck, it'd probably be a hell of a hard time getting her to take anything from me *now* (that'd be a story in itself, most likely), but yeah. I mean, why not? She was full of the love for me at one point in time, didn't end up cheating on me or anything like the other girls. Put up with a lot of my foolishness... it's just that eventually she hit the wall, like everyone does.
I'm never going to find true happiness. At first read that sentence probably sounds much, much gloomier than it really is. True happiness would be to be completely understood, with a lot of the unconditional love added in. That just doesn't happen. Love without understanding is enough for me, if there even is such a thing.
As always, I think I've ended up pretty close to where I started. No, I dind't start out writing about love, but it's something I've held dear to me since the first time I felt it for real. Love, man.
You got something that can top that, you call me.
Hell, if you've got something that can top the *memory* of love, you call me.
Oh, there's no fucking doubt in me that I'd give away that perfect jellybean for some more of the good stuff. I hope I get to do it all again. All that love junk...
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