So I still have connections with movie theatre people. Hell, I just got one of them to work for me at the theatre company. And with those connections, I of course still get to see movies for free after hours. I've had many good times seeing these free movies with my friends. 'Screwed' comes to mind, I enjoyed that. It's a great deal, freeness is. Even if you see something bad, you don't feel that cheated, because you didn't get stuck paying 8 bucks for it like a real sucker. 'Vertical Limit' comes to mind as one of those 'if I had paid for it I'd have been angry' times. But last night... last night I saw a free movie at the theatre, and I DID feel cheated. I wanted to go up to the projection booth and puke all over the reel.
I went to see Pearl Harbour... or is it Pearl Harbor to you Americans?
Fuck what a terrible movie, those people are going to lose MILLIIONS of dollars.
Every movie has it's good 'moments'. You know, points where emotions and circumstance build to a point and come out in passionate and drastic ways. And normally that works. However, normally there isn't a 'moment' in every single scene. If I had had a watch with me I would have counted how many there were in each hour. Every scene had it's 'moment', and every 'moment' was packed full if it's own ridiculous cliches and ample points that a sarcastic observer sitting with a couple of friends could take full advantage of. Whether it be a scene of macho posturing or lame, hurried love... it was all just too much. And the storylines! Girl loves one guy for about an hour. Guy dies. The Japanese plan. Girl loves Guy2 for about an hour. The Japanese plan. Guy1 comes back from the dead. The Japanese... yep, they plan. Cuba Gooding Jr. beats up some white guy. The Japanese plan. Prez. Roosevelt stand up to inspire us all. A guy stutters. Guy1 and Guy2 fight over the 'Bad Luck Hussy', as we dubbed her last night, for a half hour. With a half hour to go, the Japanese attack, in what is the only good scene in the whole movie. If you ARE stuck going to see it, just wait for that big first strike scene. That was some massive shit. But then Guy1 and Guy2 put their differences aside and take on the entire Japanese air strike by themselves, and DON'T DIE. Because see, they can decimate almost an entire section of the American military, and fuck it up GOOD, but they can't shoot two planes out of the air. But back to the 'story'. Amidst the bodies in the water floats a tattered American flag. Aww. Roosevelts black slave gives him a flower to make him feel better. The Bad Luck Hussy tends to patients, and probably gives them fellatio when we're not looking. Cuba Gooding Jr. rescues a flag out of the water, which isn't even the American flag for symbolism and inspiration, and then everyone gets medals.
THE FUCKING END.
It was fucking pathetic is what it was. And it was 3 HOURS of patheticism (which is my new favourite made up word lately). It was a piece of true crap that comes along surfaces a few times in a generation, only to be flushed back down the toilet. It was pieced together and cannibalized from a handful of other 'epic' movies, none of which were nearly as bad as this. Which ones? Well, there were obvious pieces of Armageddon, Independence Day, Titanic... fuck, what else? A couple others as well which I can't remember right now.
I guess the other saving grace of the movie was the weaponry, but that's just me. I've always been a big fan of the WWII arsenal, especially the fighter and bomber planes. It seemed like some of them were misplaced though, but hell, what do you expect? If they can't get anything right, how are they supposed to get that right? For a future note of reference you Pearl Harbour guys, the Grumman Wildcat just wasn't the manueverable. It was a fat, stubby little plane for short range attack and defense, okay? If you guys were flying around in Mustangs, sure I wouldn't mind, but come on!
But anyhow, I give it 7 thumbs down. Worst epic ever.
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