THE INITIATION RITUAL INTO THE MYSTERY CULT OF BILL THE CAT
by Lady Orenda and Lady Nightwind
*CIRCLE SETUP*
Bill the Cat altar in the center of the circle or near fire pit.
At the west place a partially full bottle or can of beer (the
worst you can find, enough to anoint your initiates). At the
north place an ashtray filled with sand. Near the altar place a
spittoon (optional).
*ALTAR SETUP*
Bill the Cat icon, statue or image
Cigarettes and lighter
Lit candles
Several unopened bottles or cans of beer, Mountain Dew, Jolt
cola, Pepsi Free or purple flavorored anything (or diet chocolate
fudge soda)
Mayonnaise mixed with tuna juice or peanut butter (optional)
Brazier with charcoal
Catnip (for incense)
Plate of Goldfish Crackers in cat food bowl
Kitty Litter or Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer
*ANNOUNCEMENT*
HP: "Folks, this is a ritual which is offensive. If you are
easily offended, then leave now. If you are certain that you will
be offended by it then you really need this ritual. If, however,
at the end of the ritual you aren't sufficiently offended, come
up and see me and I'll offend you personally."
Gather coveners together and teach them this chant: Ack, Ack,
Ack, Plbb, Plbb, Plbb.
Repeat as a group until you get tired of it.
Put a pinch of incense on the charcoal.
*CAST CIRCLE*
HP: Take can of Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer. Walk around the
perimeter of the circle spaying Pet Fresh. If outside, use
litter.
HP: "We are gathered in a sandbox that is not a sandbox." Repeat
as necessary.
[Page LXXVIII]
*CALL QUARTERS*
HPS: Take cigarettes and lighter from altar and walk to the
south. Light cigarette, wave cigarette at the sound, and intone:
"Hi!"
Cross from south to east. Take deep puff from cigarette and blow
smoke out ostentatiously. Wave cigarette at east and intone:
"Hi!"
Cross from east to west. Pour beer on cigarette. Wave cigarette
at west and intone: "Hi!"
Cross from west to north and stub cigarette in ashtray. Wave
cigarette at north and intone: "Hi!"
*INVOKE BILL THE CAT*
HPS: Stand before Bill the Cat icon and hold hands our in
invoking manner. "I invoke you and call upon you, O Might Ruler
of Degeneracy, Bringer of Fun and Good Times! I invoke thee by
Pun and Limerick, Cartoon and Quip, by Herb and Brew and All
Other Manner of Consciousness-Changing Substances, to Descend
into this Figure of This thy Servant and Priest: Hallucinate with
His Eyes - Lick with His Tongue, Ingest with His Mouth - Grope
with His Paws so that thy Servants may be Fulfilled."
Pour some beer or other noxious substance over Bill's head as an
anointing (if indoors, and you object to kitty litter and beer
being poured all over your carpets, use Pet Fresh instead of
litter and put the beer in a bowl into which you dip your fingers
and lightly sprinkle the icon or petitioners). Walk to the center
of the circle, raise arms, and call: "Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
Repeat as needed.
[Page clxiv]
*STATEMENT OF PURPOSE*
HP: "We are here to night to initiate new friends into the
worship of Bill the Cat. Let the good times roll! Petitioners,
step forward." Wait for them to do so.
HP: "Is it your will to join the Cult of Bill the Cat?"
Petitioners assent--Yeah, Sure, why Not?, ..., What?, etc.
*OATH TAKING*
HP: "I, (state your name), of my won free will and accord, do
hereby swear to honor the discordian deity, Bill the Cat, Lord of
Humor, Perversity and Disgusting Noises. I promise to go for the
Cheap Jokes, indulge in Excessive Behavior and always maintain
my sense of the Ridiculous. I wear never to take my religion so
seriously that I forget to laugh and in token thereof do I give
fourth of my bodily fluids." Spit into fire or spittoon.
*ANOINT AND CENSE INITIATES*
HP takes beer or soda from altar and anoints forehead of each
initiate with the cough of "Ack." Mayo mixed with tuna juice, or
peanut butter, may be substituted for those with a kinkier
mindset. Replace anointing fluid on altar. HPS censes each
initiate with catnip incense.
[Page 666]
*CHARGE OF BILL THE CAT*
HP: "Hear now the charge of Bill the Cat! Whenever you have
needs, once in a while and better it be when your mouth is full,
then shall you spew forth in some public house or private place
or anywhere that persons may be gathered, and adore me, Bill the
Cat, prince of all vulgarity. You who would fain indulge in lewd
or disgusting acts but have not yet reached true depravity, these
will I teach true excess and the art of making rude bodily
noises, for I am come to tell you if it lookith gross and/or
feelith good, if others need to turn away in embarrassment or
disgust, if it causeth others to burst forth in uncontrolled
laughter, and if none be truly harmed, then have you stumbled
into true oneness with the great spirit of Bill: and as a sign
that you are truly free, you should be naked in your rites for
then shall there shall be no fumbling with clothing in your
drunken quest for the naughty bits. And spread humor, good will
and anything else that needs spreading. All in my name, crying:
Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb! Hail Bill!"
*LIBATIONS AND TOASTING*
HPS burns a pinch of incense and opens beer. Takes a swig of beer
and spits into the fire (or altar or spittoon). Passes beer to
the initiate/covener on the left who repeats the process. After
everyone has toasted Bill, beer is poured over his head and the
bottle or can is replaced on the altar.
Pass the cat dish of Goldfish shaped crackers.
*INNER MYSTERY*
HP: "Hear now the inner mystery of Bill the Cat as told to us by
Orenda, co-founding High Priestess of Bill the Cat: Why do you
wrap hamsters in electrical tape? Answer: so they don't explode
when you f### them!"
[Page B]
*CONCLUSION*
HPS: "Initiates, you are now full empowered priests and
priestesses of Bill the Cat, entitled to set up your own shrines
and to initiate others. Go forth and spread the word (and
anything else that needs spreading). Bill the Cat: he's hot, he's
hip and he's hairy. Hail Bill!"
All: "Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb!"
*CLOSING*
HPS: "Thanks, Bill. Y'all come on back now, hear?"
HP walks to the west and waves, intoning: "Bye-bye!" Repeats to
east, then south, then north, or in any random order.
HP: "Th-th-that's all, folks! It's Miller time!"
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