Signs that You May Be a Redneck Pagan
If any part of your invokation of the South Quarter includes any line
from any song by Lynard Skynard ...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb ...
If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells into the fire ...
If the bell on your altar was ever worn by an animal in a pasture ...
If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's and Little Debbie's ...
If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night ...
If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond with "YEEE-HAW!" ...
If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people ...
If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly ...
If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart (ouch!) ...
If you call the God & Goddess by hollerin' "Hey, Y'all! Watch me!" ...
If you call the North Quarter, but what you call it is an inner court secret ...
If you can play "The Burning Times" on the banjo ...
If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack ...
If you found out your familiar is an oppossum - and still ate it ...
If you have a combined Maypole Dance/Tractor Pull/Turkey Shoot for Beltane. ...
If you have cast a love spell on livestock ...
If you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess ...
If you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV ...
If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg ...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu ...
If you invoke the sprits so that your beer lasts longer ...
If you pray nightly to the god of big tires ...
If you sarcifice bbq and pork rinds on a altar made of old car hoods ...
If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "The circle is open but unbroken" ...
If you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance ...
If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club ...
If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture. ...
If you worship the worship the gods of cheap beer and Nascar ...
If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football team ...
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker ...
If you've ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos" ...
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade ...
If your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley ...
If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom ...
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod ...
If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag ...
If your altar cloth is vinyl ...
If your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or Howard Johnson's" ...
If your altar has a spit cup ...
If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame" ...
If your annointing oil smells like "Old Spice" ...
If your athame is by Bowie ...
If your broom has four-wheel drive and SC plates ...
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it ...
If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top ...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do" ...
If your circle dance is a two step ...
If your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest ...
If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks" ...
If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks ...
If your craft name starts with Bubba ...
If your familiar can point quail ...
If your familiar keeps mice out of the grainery ...
If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second and third cousin ...
If your favorite painting of the Goddess gives her hair like Reba McEntire ...
If your favorite ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard still ...
If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weedwacker ...
If your most sacred altar items include a hubcap, a velvet painting, and a half-empty can of chaw ...
If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars ...v
If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam, and the St. Pauli Girl ...
If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire" ...
If your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches ...
Well, you might just be a Redneck Pagan!
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